My names spade. Great to see that there’s more people out there like me. I been knew of the no porn and no fap lifestyle.But I never thought Of stopping because I thought my consumption of porn was very liberating and actually really cool and normal. Turns out it’s not. I’m a gay 25 year old man. The first memory I had with porn was when I watched a video with my straight older cousin . He showed me a video of a girl climaxing. I must’ve been 14 at that time . I took a very disgusted approach to him showing me this and told him I that wasn’t into it. Almost ironic because at that point I considered myself a puritan Who walked the “good boy path” Doing good in school and everything that follows with that. And porn was definitely not on that path.
Fast forward and something changed. I was a teenager and started watching regular internet porn. As I knew this was normal, everyone else was doing it. The guys in middle school and high school boasted about it so I knew it was . The only difference was I was watching gay porn. That was my secret. I was gay. And I kept this secret up until I was 18 and proudly came out at that time… Well fast forward even more and I was no longer on the “good boy path” as I started smoking weed around my senior year. And Everything else my strict parents kept me away from: skipping class, hanging with friends, getting less than straight A’s on my report card and of course WATCHING PORN.
I grew up in white suburbia as a black youth. Who on top of feeling inferior and different from my peers from my skin color but also I was gay and chubby. I longed for the experiences that I’ve seen in cinema. Boyfriend’s holding hands cuddling ,love and yes sex! Because I’ve seen my self as so undesirable. I found out that I can be desired. Desired as a version of myself Porn showed me that if I could become: a Dom bbc. . I started working out and trying to become a Rippled black muscular sex god , to gain distance of the the version of myself that I thought didn’t deserve it. Using porn and the gym a band aid for my self esteem issues. From 19-25 I’ve amassed a huge collection of nudes from men I’ve sexted and porn videos from naked men I’ve idealized sexually. In the end I was left with 20,000 picture porn Stacie and huge hole in my self esteem and ED . I had and have anxiety of not being enough of the fetishized bbc role that I’ve seen in porn. And still to this day fear sex because I’ve played this role since my early days as a teen. I’ve told myself that this is the only way that I can have sex.
I currently have a boyfriend who I love that has been an amazing support system for me. We’ve realized the gravity of my porn addiction together and had told me that he loves me for me and would rather not take the falsified” bbc sex god “version of me that I’m trying so hard live up to. We’ve deleted my porn Stacie recently together and cleaned out my phone of all other men that I’ve sexted online.
I met my boyfriend last year and when we first met sex was exciting and fun. And alluring . But present day we are having sex problems, I’m afraid of now having sex with my partner and have been choosing to masturbate to internet porn instead. I do love my boyfriend but I can only climax when I think of porn. I am now feeling inadequate because I can’t fulfill my partners needs in the bedroom and fear losing him. Although he said he would not leave me for it. And I do believe him. But I am still terrified. Of now becoming a new man who does not depend on internet porn but instead my partner for orgasm and sexual satisfaction. I am on my first day of not watching porn and he’s sent me this forum and others like it to read. I’m extremely thankful to everyone here who’s posted their stories and I’m hoping to be another success story. Thanks everyone
Fast forward and something changed. I was a teenager and started watching regular internet porn. As I knew this was normal, everyone else was doing it. The guys in middle school and high school boasted about it so I knew it was . The only difference was I was watching gay porn. That was my secret. I was gay. And I kept this secret up until I was 18 and proudly came out at that time… Well fast forward even more and I was no longer on the “good boy path” as I started smoking weed around my senior year. And Everything else my strict parents kept me away from: skipping class, hanging with friends, getting less than straight A’s on my report card and of course WATCHING PORN.
I grew up in white suburbia as a black youth. Who on top of feeling inferior and different from my peers from my skin color but also I was gay and chubby. I longed for the experiences that I’ve seen in cinema. Boyfriend’s holding hands cuddling ,love and yes sex! Because I’ve seen my self as so undesirable. I found out that I can be desired. Desired as a version of myself Porn showed me that if I could become: a Dom bbc. . I started working out and trying to become a Rippled black muscular sex god , to gain distance of the the version of myself that I thought didn’t deserve it. Using porn and the gym a band aid for my self esteem issues. From 19-25 I’ve amassed a huge collection of nudes from men I’ve sexted and porn videos from naked men I’ve idealized sexually. In the end I was left with 20,000 picture porn Stacie and huge hole in my self esteem and ED . I had and have anxiety of not being enough of the fetishized bbc role that I’ve seen in porn. And still to this day fear sex because I’ve played this role since my early days as a teen. I’ve told myself that this is the only way that I can have sex.
I currently have a boyfriend who I love that has been an amazing support system for me. We’ve realized the gravity of my porn addiction together and had told me that he loves me for me and would rather not take the falsified” bbc sex god “version of me that I’m trying so hard live up to. We’ve deleted my porn Stacie recently together and cleaned out my phone of all other men that I’ve sexted online.
I met my boyfriend last year and when we first met sex was exciting and fun. And alluring . But present day we are having sex problems, I’m afraid of now having sex with my partner and have been choosing to masturbate to internet porn instead. I do love my boyfriend but I can only climax when I think of porn. I am now feeling inadequate because I can’t fulfill my partners needs in the bedroom and fear losing him. Although he said he would not leave me for it. And I do believe him. But I am still terrified. Of now becoming a new man who does not depend on internet porn but instead my partner for orgasm and sexual satisfaction. I am on my first day of not watching porn and he’s sent me this forum and others like it to read. I’m extremely thankful to everyone here who’s posted their stories and I’m hoping to be another success story. Thanks everyone
