The greatest victories are achieved through patience.

[GermanKangaroo]

Hello all. The subject of this blog is a quote from an Austrian poet and I found it to be quite fitting.

Where to begin? I am a 26 year old student living somewhere in Germany. I studied German at university and so moved here to try acquire fluency.

My story with PMO began around the age of 16, and has been a regular habit since. It wasn't until the age of around 21-22 that I began to notice changes in my behavioural patterns and memory. I would become (and still am) easily irritable and moody, my patience and concentration levels became shorter. My anxiety and self-esteem plunged to new lows, and I became more socially awkward to deal with. Even more noticeable was the dramatic change in my short-time memory. Put simply, I have none. I have the memory of a doorknob and am extremely forgetful to the point where I feel as if though I have Alzheimers. Combine this with language learning and you have one hell of a problem. Put simply, I have been learning German for a number of years now and I still feel fucking hopeless in the language.

Yesterday I broke up with the love of my life. Though I would not attribute my addiction to the demise of the relationship, it certainly played a role in how I behaved at times. I have had three serious relationships, and I firmly believe that I had found the perfect person for me. So I am feeling quite low now, especially more so that I know no-one here.

I don't drink, smoke and have always had a healthy lifestytle, so I was at a loss as to understand why these changes were occuring. It wasn't until several years ago, a good friend of mine admitted his problem and showed me the website www.yourbrainonporn.com, that I began to view the habit with more concerned eyes. Though it would be naive of me to point the finger at PMO without having any concrete evidence, I do know that, when I try to 'reboot' or abstain, all the above mentioned symptoms improve. My memory begins to clear up and become sharper, I am much more calmer and rational, and my self-esteem rises. I am less restless and easier to get along with. So I can definitively conclude that PMO has played a crucial role in detrimentally re-shaping my brain.

I have tried, in the past few years, to reboot several times. All unsuccessful, the longest lasting around 50 days. I have decided to suck up my pride and admit that I have a problem, and that I need help dealing with it. All the more so that I am now living in a society where it is MUCH harder to meet and get to know people. Don't get me wrong. I love Germany... but breaking the ice with people here is just fucking difficult and a pain the arse. Combine that with the classic symptoms of PMO and you can end up with a walking disaster.

As one other forum user put it, it is so frustratingly predicatable, yet destructive. I am desperate and angry, that such a seemingly simple habit can have seismic ramifications in all aspects of life. I have so many goals and ambitions, and I have been told that I am an extremely intelligent person and a small part of me believes this, but most of the time I feel so worthless and hopeless.

My goal is to first try and do a 100 day reboot, just before my 27th birthday. That way, I can try put an end to what would be a 10 year habit which has prevented me from living life to the fullest. Wish me luck, and I wish all others the very best of luck; I sincerly believe this is one of the most destructive and not-yet fully understood habits born in the 21st century.

Here is the full quote:
Gro?e Siege wurde durch Mut errungen, gr??ere durch Liebe, die gr??ten aber durch Geduld.
Great victories are achieved through courage, greater through love, but the greatest through patience.

 

[GermanKangaroo]

Quoted from another member. Describes to a T how I feel.

'I'm tired of all the lies and rationalization in my head. I hate that I view porn. I hate the way it makes my body feel, and I hate the way it detracts from other aspects of my life. I want to be done with it, not for a month or two, but for forever.'

 

[Yelashade]

Hey GermanKangaroo,

I'm totally with you on your issues. My ex broke up with me in September and I'm still finding difficulties at times to face life's challenges without her. That feeling of hitting rock bottom and being miserable all the time is difficult to accept and even harder to pull through. All I can say is reach out to as many people here as possible, write down your problems in the form of an online journal and try to keep yourself distracted as much as you can by pursuing your interests/goals.

I hope you get your desired results man and if you want to talk, feel free to message me

 

[GermanKangaroo]

Hey Yelashade 

Thanks for the words of encouragement, it really helps. I will try to follow your advice

So today was an ok day, it certainly helps when one has lot to keep oneself occupied. But I am unemployed, and, unless I find a job soon, I will have to abandon my dream of living here in Germany and Europe. How depressing.

Someone remarked the other night that I was a little 'restless'. They were probably right, gah. Really gets on my nerves how distant and unwelcoming people can be here. Even a smile or a friendly wave to fellow students is too much of an effort for people here!

I think the most important thing is to stay occupied! Until tomorrow!

 

[GermanKangaroo]

So, day 5 and counting.

Felt very frustrated and agitated yesterday, like a pressure cookie. In other words, I was full of testosterone and was very tempted to flip open my laptop and do the extremely predictable. Did not cave in, but had a wet dream. Zzzz.

Felt pretty miserable today, but I have finally received a job, so that was good news. I was so happy and relieved to have finally found a job after six months, but the feeling was bittersweet; my ex-girlfriend supported me and believed that I would get this job, even though I thought my chances to be slim. Alas, there were a few sad tears in my eyes on my way home.

Trying to keep myself distracted as much as possible. Learning a language certainly helps  I'll have to pick up another language soon, as the minimum requirements for study here is knowledge of English and German, as well as another foreign language. I am thinking either Spanish, Russian or Swedish. Decisions, decisions...

 

[CrazyGopher]

Congratulations on your 5 days, GermanKangaroo.

I have been more successful when I am busy and distracted, so I think you have a winning strategy there!

 

[GermanKangaroo]

Cheers CrazyGopher!

Distractions do certainly help. But with this newly acquired job, I have a lot of paperwork to do and all in a bureaucratic language that is not my own. Not good for the stress. Everyone here seems to be in a damned foul mood, even my own flatmate is behaving like a snappy, biopolar mongoose. I always try to be friendly and greet people with a smile, but everyone here is either too serious or unhappy.

So it has been one week now. Had another wet dream last night. The first two weeks are usually the worst for me; I always feel on edge and the temptation is always there. After two weeks or so, my temptation levels drop and I feel more connected to the 'real-world' or so to speak. The feeling of being a prisoner to one's own desires is awful; you more or less create a 'cage' in which you shut yourself off from the real world.

Really looking forward to the end of week two!

 

[GermanKangaroo]

So, now 10 days and counting. Ja, wunderbar!

I seem to be in a phase wherein I am experiencing extreme highs or feelings of eurphoria. Being on top of the world. Feeling like I can accomplish anything. Which is usually followed by periods of extreme negativity and depression, but these periods are becoming shorter and less frequent.

Although I have completely abstained from porn, I am still exposed to the occasional sly advertisement of a beautiful woman scantily dressed. Immediately I feel the beast within, wanting to rise up and take control. But I am doing well enough to acknowedge the thought and then push it out of my head.

I can feel the grey fog clearing out of my head and my mind becoming sharper. One openly noticeable effect of my reboot is my foreign language production. As I have said before, I have been learning German for a while now. Simply put, the longer my reboot goes, the more fluent I become. My language production is more spontaneous, I need less time to think about formulating what I want to say, and the conversation flows better (less pauses, stutters and moments of hesistation). Yesterday I was told by my flatmate that I speak 'near-perfect' German. I have never felt so pleased in a long time!

I am my own worst enemy, I believe. Amazing how much my self-esteem drops and my opinion of myself under an addiction. I need to start treating myself better.

Strength to you all!!

 

[GermanKangaroo]

So, the dreaded two weeks are over. Hopefully things should be easier from here on (touch wood).

The last few days were awful. Felt so on edge again and really wanted to have a 'fix'. The loneliness isn't really helping either. Thoughts about my ex-girlfriend were a constant bother. I miss her.

On the other hand, I am doing well to keep myself distracted through study, and have taken up reading again. I read novels wherever I can, when I am waiting for the trams, on the trams or in the cafe. Furthermore, my memory and concentration levels are improvng noticeably with each day. I find that getting out of the home really helps in staving off the temptations, in addition to keeping oneself occupied.

I also miss Australia, my homeland. I miss the weather, beach and the open friendliness of people there.

Good health to you all.

 

[LS90]

Well I suppose you could join some university groups in your city? Languages caf?s, sort of those things to meet some new people. I'm a traveller myself though so I get sometimes the pain of not being able that easily to meet new people. Remember yourself it's not a matter of days but of mind - focus on why you started and what you want to change in your life that doesn't work.

The 'fix' you're looking for is just dopamine. Substitute it with something else, something pleasant, something positive. 

 

[GermanKangaroo]

That green counter is giving me all the motivation I need 

Well said LS90; it certainly is a matter of mind. But time certainly helps, as it does get easier to manage with each passing day.

But yes, my dopamine levels tend to fluctuate crazily within the first weeks. Just like all addictions, I guess.

Things have been going ok lately, though I got some bad news yesterday. The job I had initially been granted has been turned down, after higher authorities considered me 'overqualified' for the role. The irony is rather painful; I spend six months unemployed and having trouble finding a job (mostly due to visa complications) only to be considered 'overqualified' for another. Fate has a funny sense of humour.

I am meeting up with my ex-girlfriend tomorrow. Not exactly sure if that is a good idea or what will happen. But most importantly, I am sticking to my incentive to quit porn for good!

Power to you all!

 

[readytobefree]

I love reading blogs of guys rebooting, it's like we're all the same person in a sense fighting a "seemingly" invincible demon. I wrote "seemingly" because as I read the success stories and seeing people with nice long green bars of reboot time, I get really inspired and see the cracks in that demon's aura. He can be beaten, many have done so, I want to do the same.

German Kangaroo, congrats on the 17 days, for me if I can beat 15 I'll be in uncharted territory!

btw, this is a tangent, but the Australian guitarist Tommy Emmanuel is like the greatest guitarist in the whole world lolol.

 

[LS90]

Ah jeez. sorry about the work. Well think positively as generally in Germany salaries are f****g over the roof high so hopefully you'll get back financially pretty easily. Hope you'll find something! 

I love reading blogs of guys rebooting, it's like we're all the same person in a sense fighting a "seemingly" invincible demon. I wrote "seemingly" because as I read the success stories and seeing people with nice long green bars of reboot time, I get really inspired and see the cracks in that demon's aura. He can be beaten, many have done so, I want to do the same.

Start focussing on why you're doing it. Everytime you're about to type something stupid on a search engine STOP. Think about 'why'. Close the computer and go do something else. Your freewill has to be stronger than your impulses, your habits, your addiction. Whenever I was about to do something stupid I actually opened YBPO and chilled out with an article - instead of relapsing, I was just getting more informed about it. Hope it helps!

 

[GermanKangaroo]

Thanks for the responses 

readytobefree, you are doing well. I imagine the next few days will be extremely tough owing to the strong urges (dopamine) you will feel. But persevere, and it will become easier. About Tommy Emmanuel, I'm glad that you have a positive impression of Australia!

LS90, I am actually studying, so I can only work casually or part-time. Hopefully something will come up soon.

So, it has been a little while since I last posted. 24 days and counting, woo hoo! I am pleased to say that the temptations are more or less gone (touch wood*) and I no longer feel the urge to surf porn. My memory, as reported before, is becoming even sharper, as well as my analytical and problem-solving skills. I feel super confident and 'top of the world', and that it can only get better from here.

I have had quite a few wet dreams, but they are beginning to taper off.

Reflecting back on the last 24 days and my previous attempts to reboot, there are several things which, in my opinion, influence the degree of sucess in rebooting.

1. Health: diet, exercise and sleep.

I eat mostly paleo (95%) and I try to stick to a regular eating plan. I believe that infrequent and sporadic eating habits can wreak havoc, disrupting sleep patterns, leading to mood swings and weight gain/loss.

Exercise is a no-brainer: everyone should make time for exercise in their schedule. I have several programs which I follow - Freeletics and various other programs which utilise bodyweight only (and a few other instruments, such as a pullup bar, skipping rope and a good pair of sprinting shoes). I used to work out in a gym before deciding to educate myself more about exercise, ultimately coming to the conclusion that the gym was a hinderance; one can become far more faster, fitter, stronger and more athletic through utilisation of simple, yet very tough exercises which can be performed in our natural surroundings (a park, forest or our backyard). Life is too short to waste in a gym surrounded by 'exercise machines' and egotistic, puffed up men whose achievements in the gym do not translate to functional fitness in the real world.

Sleep is probably the most important and most neglected aspect of health in our world today. I have neglected my sleeping patterns far too much since my mid-teens, always going to bed around or past midnight. I now regret this, as numerous studies have shown how this can severly affect our physical and mental wellbeing. Simply put, it affects every aspect of our lives. Through a cruel stroke of the German education system, which I am grateful for, I am forced to go to bed early in order to get adequate sleep in order to be at my 8.30am class. I now go to bed between 9:30 and 10 and arise at 7. Since adopting such a pattern, I feel my wellbeing has improved tremendously.

2. Being social and having healthy habits.

As part of the rebooting process, I cannot stress how important it is to be socially active. Loneliness is one of the best friends of porn, as it can 'compensate' for lack of social connection, especially towards the opposite sex. A side-effect of porn is that it makes us even more detached and withdrawn, as we are already 'instinctively' meeting our needs. With porn, we feel less inclined to pursue encounters with women in the real world, friendly or otherwise.

Having healthy habits is also extremely important. In the field of medicine, there is a growing recognition that the most effective strategy to deal with an addiction or a bad habit, is to replace it with another habit. For example, a person addicted to sugar could simply substitute sugary meals for meals with stevia added. This way, the addiction can be dealt with effectively and in such a way that it does not entail a torturous and tough withdrawal. In my case, I stopped all computer-associated habits (games, deactivation of Facebook) and took up reading for pleasure, something I have neglected for years. I am all the better for it, and can only think how much I have wasted my past time.

3. Having concrete goals and a rough long-term plan.

Although I am very much a free-spirited and 'go with the flow' kind of person, it does help to have some idea of where you are headed. Meticulous, laid-out plans for the future are ridiculous, but some ideas or goals are essential for staving off boredom and despair. In my case, my long-term goals are to become fluent in two foreign languages and to see as much of the world as I can. I will let the pursuit of these goals decide what kind of adventure I have.

I look forward to day 30! Most importanly, I look forward to seeing how my 'rebooted' and 'rewired' self turns out! (cue lightning and omnious thunder  )

All for now, I hope you can steal a idea or two from my writings. Courage to you all!

 

[LS90]

I wouldn't ever be able to do a full paleo.. A man needs its bread  ;D. I'm afraid I'm part of the buffed up-wannabies category eheheh. I noticed sports and a healthy diet are a staple of most successful reboots anyway.

I'm abroad as well studying and I can't find a part-time job even if I try  :-\. Not speaking the language here doesn't help.  ???

 

[rainman]

I love reading blogs of guys rebooting, it's like we're all the same person in a sense fighting a "seemingly" invincible demon.

Right on! just started a blog and (hopefully) a recovery journey myself. is there a list of these blogs somewhere?

 

[GermanKangaroo]

Yes LS90, living in a foreign country can be tough at times. Are you making an effort to learn the language at least?

So, 35 days and going strong. Has been a while since I last posted, there have been some ups and downs in my mood. But nothing out of the ordinary. My memory is MUCH better and continues to get even better. A robust memory is essential for success in language learning, as well as organisation in everyday life.

Another thing I have noticed is the steady improvment in fitness levels. When I abstain or reboot, I see bigger and faster improvments in my workouts; I become stronger, more flexible and generally more athletic. More testosterone avaliable for the body perhaps?  ??? I did one arm pullups for the first time a few days ago. Am looking to do one arm pushups soon, as well as pistol squats. I am also working towards freestanding handstand pushups and muscleups.

On the downside, I haven't found a job yet. The prospect of having to return home is looking more likely as my savings dwindle. Put simply, I am fed up and tired here, seems like I am fighting a losing battle. Everything here in Germany comes with about 70 strings attached. Ugh.

All for now. Power to you all.

 

[LS90]

Yes LS90, living in a foreign country can be tough at times. Are you making an effort to learn the language at least?

Slowly. I plan to reach the A2 level before the year ends and then B1 before June .. My master is completely in English though and here they speak all English as well. You order in the native language and they reply in English. The only conversations I can make is with grannies at the mall and even them start speaking in English when I can't understand!  :


Viel gluck for your next months!

 

[GermanKangaroo]

Haha I know the feeling. It still happens, though it is less frequent nowadays. Simply because I have been working hard (and still am) to try minimise my accent as much as possible. Mind you, it has been four years since I started to learn to language, so it does take time. On the other hand, the amount of effort you put in and the consistency of that effort, ultimately determines the rate of success. Having said that, I would say that my first three years in learning German were quite half-assed and very patchy, due to lack of motivation and other issues (work, relationships, bad/uninspiring teachers).

Sounds like you are in a Germanic-speaking country, considering how high the level of English tends to be in these countries. Not learning German by any chance? If so, feel free to send me a PM for tips or advice. I am around the C1 level, and hope to be completely fluent by the end of next year and blow C2 out of the water. 

I was thinking of learning Swedish as well, but considering the problem you just mentioned, I am not sure if it's even worth the effort, more so that English is practically a secondary official language in Sweden.

Vielen Dank for your words! Liebe Gr??e!

 

[LS90]

I was thinking of learning Swedish as well, but considering the problem you just mentioned, I am not sure if it's even worth the effort, more so that English is practically a secondary official language in Sweden.

Duktig! Yeah, you got me. I'm living in Sweden.  ;D