Thread 'Addicted to porn not my boyfriend'
https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/23076/
Today is the 8th day.
And I very much want to watch porn. Out of boredom , out of fulfillment ,out of calming me down. There’s absolutely nothing to do is what my mind is telling me. bBut I could have looked into a S.A program. (Therapist recommended) So I guess I’ll do that. But you know what that is? It’s a lot of work. And I don’t feel like doing that shit. Especially since I didn’t get a good nights sleep. My new dog Sobi was super annoying. I’m glad that he acts out -and that this acting out is indicative of him having to use the bathroom.
But still from 2 am to 4am my mind is focused on sleeping not how the dog needs to pee. It’s my work day and Im already not wanting to go and not sleeping throughout the night is not helping. Especially since my boyfriend was knocked out cold. I should’ve known to take the dog out when he was being a nuisance but still who’s getting out of bed and getting the dog ready for a walk outside at 2am?? I feed the cat at 6 am already. The caretaking of the animals —It’s becoming a bother. And I’m already not using porn. Internally I want to k*ck that dog and throw the cat against the wall. But I don’t. And I swallow the fresh fistful of anger and go about my day.
Then there’s my cousin. He’s really getting on my nerves right now. He’s easily the most selfish man in my life. And I enable him. And I feel so shitty about the whole thing. Because why am I expected to tell a grown man hey dude Can you hurry up and get your own Goddamn car? .( A little backstory me and my cousin decided to pull our money together and buy a decent car ..after My divorce I lost my previous car to my spouse. Well when it came time I put down all my savings and bounty the car with no help from him other than his signature.
I told him it’s cool just take care of the car insurance payments and it’ll be good. Fast forward 5months of sharing the car. And it’s been so bad. He’s always late with car insurance, he trashed the car. He’s late picking me up and anything else you could think of to make anger someone beyond belief. I really just want to solely take over the car and leave him for his own devices.
I actually have tried this already and somehow the conversation went from me listing why I’m taking complete ownership of the car to how I’m setting him up for failure
. I have a stye on my eye that Has been bothering for so long I’ve normalized it. And it’s awful. Fucccccccccking shit add that
Thennn there’s my boyfriend . I know he’s worried about me . And it’s nice that someone actually cares about me. But sometimes it feels like having to check in with him rather than just talk. And I’m not going to lie. Some days I don’t even want to talk. I really don’t. I don’t want to take out our dog i don’t want to share my car and I don’t want to talk about my porn addiction. I just want to be left alone and be in my feelings.
Today I went on an app o used to sext with strangers and I was 60 percent about to hit up strangers on there. So close that I felt the porn monster winning for a second, great thing is that he didn’t. But …Why was I even on there? I was actually hoping someone hit me up. Not because I was going to talk to anyone . But that I wanted someone to tell me that they missed that version of me. That’s false sex god persona of myself.. That I was attractive. Something to ease all this darkness But Nobody was there. I looked at all the old guys I use to talk to through on the app in my block list. And fantasized. I was actually dancing with the devil in my head. Remembering how good those ego boosts felt. And I feel guilty about it. Guilty for being on the app. enough that I cleaned out all the recent searches(the search terms I used when I was looking for strangers to sext with that hand been there since the last time I used 8 days ago.) i cleared them and closed the app. I took a breath …The thoughts and porn monster were raging inside me. I’m back in a despair feeling. I hear
in my head. “ just do it” it’ll feel so good” “WATCH PORN!!” .“It’s so easy“
but I bury it. Ignore it and feel the hollow victory that I just secured. It feels so empty. I call my boyfriend and he can sense that I’m agitated. But he doesn’t know that I feel guilt. Guilty for going on telegram. I’m not going to tell him. I don’t think he needs to know. He ask me why I’m mad and I tell him it’s because I can’t use porn. Which is the only thing I can really pinpoint my anger to. Truth is I don’t know why I’m mad. We finish off the convo with me saying “let’s close this conversation before it gets ugly” he said ok and we got off.
Day 8
https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/23076/
Today is the 8th day.
And I very much want to watch porn. Out of boredom , out of fulfillment ,out of calming me down. There’s absolutely nothing to do is what my mind is telling me. bBut I could have looked into a S.A program. (Therapist recommended) So I guess I’ll do that. But you know what that is? It’s a lot of work. And I don’t feel like doing that shit. Especially since I didn’t get a good nights sleep. My new dog Sobi was super annoying. I’m glad that he acts out -and that this acting out is indicative of him having to use the bathroom.
But still from 2 am to 4am my mind is focused on sleeping not how the dog needs to pee. It’s my work day and Im already not wanting to go and not sleeping throughout the night is not helping. Especially since my boyfriend was knocked out cold. I should’ve known to take the dog out when he was being a nuisance but still who’s getting out of bed and getting the dog ready for a walk outside at 2am?? I feed the cat at 6 am already. The caretaking of the animals —It’s becoming a bother. And I’m already not using porn. Internally I want to k*ck that dog and throw the cat against the wall. But I don’t. And I swallow the fresh fistful of anger and go about my day.
Then there’s my cousin. He’s really getting on my nerves right now. He’s easily the most selfish man in my life. And I enable him. And I feel so shitty about the whole thing. Because why am I expected to tell a grown man hey dude Can you hurry up and get your own Goddamn car? .( A little backstory me and my cousin decided to pull our money together and buy a decent car ..after My divorce I lost my previous car to my spouse. Well when it came time I put down all my savings and bounty the car with no help from him other than his signature.
I told him it’s cool just take care of the car insurance payments and it’ll be good. Fast forward 5months of sharing the car. And it’s been so bad. He’s always late with car insurance, he trashed the car. He’s late picking me up and anything else you could think of to make anger someone beyond belief. I really just want to solely take over the car and leave him for his own devices.
I actually have tried this already and somehow the conversation went from me listing why I’m taking complete ownership of the car to how I’m setting him up for failure
. I have a stye on my eye that Has been bothering for so long I’ve normalized it. And it’s awful. Fucccccccccking shit add that
Thennn there’s my boyfriend . I know he’s worried about me . And it’s nice that someone actually cares about me. But sometimes it feels like having to check in with him rather than just talk. And I’m not going to lie. Some days I don’t even want to talk. I really don’t. I don’t want to take out our dog i don’t want to share my car and I don’t want to talk about my porn addiction. I just want to be left alone and be in my feelings.
Today I went on an app o used to sext with strangers and I was 60 percent about to hit up strangers on there. So close that I felt the porn monster winning for a second, great thing is that he didn’t. But …Why was I even on there? I was actually hoping someone hit me up. Not because I was going to talk to anyone . But that I wanted someone to tell me that they missed that version of me. That’s false sex god persona of myself.. That I was attractive. Something to ease all this darkness But Nobody was there. I looked at all the old guys I use to talk to through on the app in my block list. And fantasized. I was actually dancing with the devil in my head. Remembering how good those ego boosts felt. And I feel guilty about it. Guilty for being on the app. enough that I cleaned out all the recent searches(the search terms I used when I was looking for strangers to sext with that hand been there since the last time I used 8 days ago.) i cleared them and closed the app. I took a breath …The thoughts and porn monster were raging inside me. I’m back in a despair feeling. I hear
in my head. “ just do it” it’ll feel so good” “WATCH PORN!!” .“It’s so easy“but I bury it. Ignore it and feel the hollow victory that I just secured. It feels so empty. I call my boyfriend and he can sense that I’m agitated. But he doesn’t know that I feel guilt. Guilty for going on telegram. I’m not going to tell him. I don’t think he needs to know. He ask me why I’m mad and I tell him it’s because I can’t use porn. Which is the only thing I can really pinpoint my anger to. Truth is I don’t know why I’m mad. We finish off the convo with me saying “let’s close this conversation before it gets ugly” he said ok and we got off.
Day 8