Kubrickian
Member
Hi there, I contacted Gary on YBOP and he recommended I start a journal on this site! After accidentally stumbling across YBOP and seeing the video explaining porn induced ED from a dark and heavily ingrained submission of no hope in getting past my problems I finally saw some hope and have been avidly reading YBOP this past week while committing to stay away from porn (7 days), I even deleted a dating site as I believe what you say about artificial image stimulation substituting the need for the real makes huge sense just I never thought of it until the video explained it so simplistically!
This is very scary for me as what I have to say is the bare truth and not something I've shared in its entirety with anyone so I'm really hoping for discretion as well as any help anyone can offer! First thing first, I really don't know if my E.D is porn induced I actually hope beyond all hope that it is as I've struggled with getting past performance anxiety for over 16 years now, I have been to therapists for nearly a decade and psychiatrists taken all forms of antidepressants been miserable beyond belief knowing I can't have spontaneous sexual encounters that the only way I can guarantee being able to perform is taking pills which after taking so long lost their potency as I became desensitized to them! I tried the test where I masturbated to no porn and it took me about 5 minutes to get anywhere near hard, each time I stopped getting nowhere it would get a little harder (as if it was taunting me) and eventually after 4 attempts with pauses I became rock hard, my heart sank because after reading your members blogging its evident that porn induced E.D is curable and I've tried everything to get past the anxiety E.D and still after 16 years of it first happening I find it impossible to not think ' please don't fail me please don't embarrass me ' etc and thus don't even trust myself to try without the aid of a pill anymore! When the pills started getting less effective I started to think quite dark thoughts some involving finality over my having had enough! I dont think I got E.D while being a porn watcher (though I certainly did watch some back then, video tapes and the like) but I have since and maybe due at first to my worries of embarrassing myself with a real partner from 23 to now 38 watched millions of hours of hardcore pornography I have sat in all day on weekends watching and downloading and I have stayed up to stupid hours edging as you call it to porn on poppers imagining I am there making the sensation vivid and habitual!i had and still have major anxiety approaching girls even though I am fit healthy decent looking and so went with prostitutes the number of which between then and now is certainly in the hundreds, I wanted to live out all my sexual fantasies and have thus escalated to swinging scenarios which I fantasize about heavily as being the lifestyle for me and yet still could hardly keep an erection when I had the opportunity to do the real thing at swinger clubs and with couples even with a pill, and as much as I don't want to admitt as I don't want it to be the case I was extremely nervous of losing my erection so am certain this was the reason. During this phase I tried gay sex to see if I would enjoy it and while some sensations were pleasurable the sight sound feeling and smell of a man really put me off it was only I surmized 'the penis' I enjoyed thus I came across transsexuals (beautiful feminine porn star ts) in my late 20s and obsessed about them for two years watching as much porn as I could and looking for Escorts in my area, eventually i went with an escort and was disgusted in myself but then moved to Spain after another year of obsessing about them and tried again this time much more feminine, anyway in the past 8 years I have probably been with around 50+
I have questioned my sexuality and been so disgusted as to hate myself on a daily basis, I escalated in reality to performing acts that could be considered dangerous but it was like I couldn't see straight until I had orgasmed I practically couldn't think of anything else till I'd done the deed me always (wanting to) being the passive party it was like a tractor beam a dirty little secret which repulsed me, interestingly I would feel no attraction and only feel disgust and remorse in myself after I'd orgasmed, I have now got to the stage where my biggest fantasy is to be g*** ****ed by transsexuals, I feel like a pervert like there's something wrong with me that the only way to stop thinking such thoughts is to end ones life and I honestly don't want to do that but I've not as yet found another permanent positive solution! When I read about your members saying they can achieve spontaneous erections it makes me more than anything want to make this work, I've not had an erection or any movement down there from looking at a girl since my early 20's at least 16 years ago it feels like it's dead unless there is some touch or kissing and then it still won't last unless I concentrate hard on not thinking ( I mean what a joke right?? What a cruel joke) And the thing is I'm addicted to women I can't stop thinking of them, I've done all the Pick up Artist research to try gain confidence get a beautiful woman who can get me past and out of this hellish rut, I see women and wish and wish and admire and fantasize but I don't get one bit of sensation or movement from this whereas with porn I'm hard in a second!
I suppose im writing because I want to beg 'please tell me there's finally hope for me? I know I'm not gay poss bi but I'm not attracted to men??? I know I'm healthy I've done all the tests and I have a healthy penis blood flow etc but I feel like I'm going insane, I just need to believe there's a way out??
Thankyou for your time, I hope you can maybe make time to write me something real!
P.S as I said to Gary well done to you all for really helping men who are hurting and feel helpless what an act of true altruism!
I feel embarrassed to be doing this but I also see it as the only viable way left to become the man I dream of being
This is very scary for me as what I have to say is the bare truth and not something I've shared in its entirety with anyone so I'm really hoping for discretion as well as any help anyone can offer! First thing first, I really don't know if my E.D is porn induced I actually hope beyond all hope that it is as I've struggled with getting past performance anxiety for over 16 years now, I have been to therapists for nearly a decade and psychiatrists taken all forms of antidepressants been miserable beyond belief knowing I can't have spontaneous sexual encounters that the only way I can guarantee being able to perform is taking pills which after taking so long lost their potency as I became desensitized to them! I tried the test where I masturbated to no porn and it took me about 5 minutes to get anywhere near hard, each time I stopped getting nowhere it would get a little harder (as if it was taunting me) and eventually after 4 attempts with pauses I became rock hard, my heart sank because after reading your members blogging its evident that porn induced E.D is curable and I've tried everything to get past the anxiety E.D and still after 16 years of it first happening I find it impossible to not think ' please don't fail me please don't embarrass me ' etc and thus don't even trust myself to try without the aid of a pill anymore! When the pills started getting less effective I started to think quite dark thoughts some involving finality over my having had enough! I dont think I got E.D while being a porn watcher (though I certainly did watch some back then, video tapes and the like) but I have since and maybe due at first to my worries of embarrassing myself with a real partner from 23 to now 38 watched millions of hours of hardcore pornography I have sat in all day on weekends watching and downloading and I have stayed up to stupid hours edging as you call it to porn on poppers imagining I am there making the sensation vivid and habitual!i had and still have major anxiety approaching girls even though I am fit healthy decent looking and so went with prostitutes the number of which between then and now is certainly in the hundreds, I wanted to live out all my sexual fantasies and have thus escalated to swinging scenarios which I fantasize about heavily as being the lifestyle for me and yet still could hardly keep an erection when I had the opportunity to do the real thing at swinger clubs and with couples even with a pill, and as much as I don't want to admitt as I don't want it to be the case I was extremely nervous of losing my erection so am certain this was the reason. During this phase I tried gay sex to see if I would enjoy it and while some sensations were pleasurable the sight sound feeling and smell of a man really put me off it was only I surmized 'the penis' I enjoyed thus I came across transsexuals (beautiful feminine porn star ts) in my late 20s and obsessed about them for two years watching as much porn as I could and looking for Escorts in my area, eventually i went with an escort and was disgusted in myself but then moved to Spain after another year of obsessing about them and tried again this time much more feminine, anyway in the past 8 years I have probably been with around 50+
I have questioned my sexuality and been so disgusted as to hate myself on a daily basis, I escalated in reality to performing acts that could be considered dangerous but it was like I couldn't see straight until I had orgasmed I practically couldn't think of anything else till I'd done the deed me always (wanting to) being the passive party it was like a tractor beam a dirty little secret which repulsed me, interestingly I would feel no attraction and only feel disgust and remorse in myself after I'd orgasmed, I have now got to the stage where my biggest fantasy is to be g*** ****ed by transsexuals, I feel like a pervert like there's something wrong with me that the only way to stop thinking such thoughts is to end ones life and I honestly don't want to do that but I've not as yet found another permanent positive solution! When I read about your members saying they can achieve spontaneous erections it makes me more than anything want to make this work, I've not had an erection or any movement down there from looking at a girl since my early 20's at least 16 years ago it feels like it's dead unless there is some touch or kissing and then it still won't last unless I concentrate hard on not thinking ( I mean what a joke right?? What a cruel joke) And the thing is I'm addicted to women I can't stop thinking of them, I've done all the Pick up Artist research to try gain confidence get a beautiful woman who can get me past and out of this hellish rut, I see women and wish and wish and admire and fantasize but I don't get one bit of sensation or movement from this whereas with porn I'm hard in a second!I suppose im writing because I want to beg 'please tell me there's finally hope for me? I know I'm not gay poss bi but I'm not attracted to men??? I know I'm healthy I've done all the tests and I have a healthy penis blood flow etc but I feel like I'm going insane, I just need to believe there's a way out??
Thankyou for your time, I hope you can maybe make time to write me something real!
P.S as I said to Gary well done to you all for really helping men who are hurting and feel helpless what an act of true altruism!
I feel embarrassed to be doing this but I also see it as the only viable way left to become the man I dream of being
