20/20 Hindsight - If you HAD to go through it again…

[ImBroken]

I am and always have been a risk averse person - limit risk, limit loss. To those who have gone before me - whether if is 3 months or 10 years since your s.o.’s last episode with p - I have a question. Would you stay again and go through every emotion you went through? Would you leave again? Would you stay if you left? Would you leave if you stayed? I’ve looked at all possible outcomes and factored in the recidivism stats - its an INCREDIBLE risk to take on and find success…just would love to hear all of you mentors…and your opinions.
Tangent Question: My shrink told me tonight that I am suffering from PTSD from this event - I don’t like diagnoses thrown around - but anyone else heard that or felt that - I’m wondering if I am in denial now…Is this pain ever going to end?

 

[Beautiful1973]

Hi @ImBroken, I have been suffering with Betrayal Trauma since the discovery that my man (ex) was a Porn Addict and had a paid membership to an Explicit site, its like a type of PTSD, has similar symptoms. So yes it's definitely a real thing.......I've had moments where I felt like I was going crazy.

As I've said in previous posts, I had to walk away from my man and relationship as I no longer felt safe or secure.....not to mention my trust was shot to pieces. With regards to staying or going and would I do it again, I still flip flop between this, I have moments where I question why I stayed so long, why I went back to him 12 months ago when I was almost over him after a 3+ month break, and then I spin the other way, where I feel guilty for abandoning him, wanting him to change, willing him to change.......but that's fantasy. The man I fell in love with is gone, he has become an empty lifeless shell of a person, Porn did that to us, to him, I don't believe he will change, I think he will take this affliction to the grave, sorry if that sounds harsh, its just me speaking my truth. Example, I text him yesterday to see if he wanted to have a cuppa next week or if he'd rather not see me. He said it's hard to say because he's in a really shit place mentally........he hasn't been to Counselling for 3 weeks, has taken backwards steps with, healthy eating, smoking, weed, selfcare, porn consumption and mental health........I told him that it's like watching the sinking of the Titanic!!!!

I've read all of your posts over the last few weeks and I really feel for you, I understand your pain, I know how it hurts......I wish I had all the answers but I don't!

 

[ImBroken]

@Beautiful1973 - I can’t thank you enough for your constant input and truths. It is why I have stayed with this group. There are both sides of the coin…I’m sure the s.o.s have found moments, long periods, none….of happiness again. I am strong and I will survive. But I have NEVER been in this much physical pain and mental anguish…I have no control over it…I can only describe it as I am wandering around in a long dark room that has no doors and no light switch - this has become a recurring dream as well. I do not want to be a victim of this. I just feel so god damned foolish. Right now, his apologies are hollow to me. I just got a text from him that sounded more like a suicide note. I have no emotions - I just feel damned if I make him leave - damned if I let him stay. Our life may not have been fantastic before D Day but I have never even come close to feeling the feelings I am now. I also don’t know why I am so effing hung up on the marriage vows. Together we fought for decades to have the legal right to marry and have equal rights. Why am I letting that oath guide my decision process? I just can’t figure any of it out. The word WHY? Just keeps repeating…over and over and over. F*ck…I’m sorry I have nowhere else to dump these feelings - I am not a weak man - none of us deserved this or signed up for it. Sorry for the vent…back into the long dark room….

 

[Beautiful1973]

But I have NEVER been in this much physical pain and mental anguish…

I absolutely get it......it literally feels like someone stabbed a 6inch blade into your heart a million times over.
I think you are experiencing a type of grief, that's where all the WHY's come from, you have lost something sacred to you, I sometimes feel like I lost a piece of myself.....you are right, this shit is fuk'd up.

I totally understand the entwined emotions around your marriage vows and the fight for equal rights (I'm a huge advocate BTW)! I tried for years to have a child, the day I held my first baby in my arms was the happiest day in my life, I finally had the family I had craved for so long......so when I had to make the heart breaking decision to walk away from my husband after 17 years and dismantle our family, it was the hardest thing I have ever had too do.....I still carry a lot of guilt about that now.....especially on days like today when my kids message me to say 'we want to come home to you Mama, we miss you'.......but at the end of the day I had to do what was right for me and I could no longer stay in a marriage where I no longer was attracted to the man, after years of sexual and emotional neglect......so I left and went looking for a relationship filled with fun, adventure, sex and intimacy......and found myself in love with a porn addict.......[mic drop]!!!!

 

[Gracie]

So......I was pretty much non-functional for about four months. I considered suicide. Decided I could not do that to my grandkids. It was before there was anything for partners on the Internet. It was all it’s only pictures. 25 years together. He was the first person I ever shared absolutely everything with. Our sex life was not much. We were roommates. We were 60 I thought is this what happens? And then bam I discovered his sex life. Pictures and his hand. I stayed because of who he had been before. The man I confided in. But there were boundaries and rules and he knew if they were broken I was done. I needed to be truly loved. I needed to be respected. We are really great now. But I hold back a space that is mine. I am not all in. He knows one small glimmer and I am out. He does not give me anything to worry about. But now I watch. He knows if I am not the one for him, I walk. However unlike others I did not withhold physical connection. I knew if I did that I would be done. I set up routines we had with him. After a year we had spontaneity creeping back in. It took time. It took talking. It took crying. If I could change anything it would be my thoughts at occasionally watching porn was okay. He only watched the Cinemax stuff. So I was spared the Internet uncertainty. He did have to tell our sons about it. I talked to daughters in law. It was hard work.

 

[Beautiful1973]

If I could change anything it would be my thoughts at occasionally watching porn was okay.

I would definitely have changed my mindset on this too @Gracie, it would of allowed me to set a strong boundary from the start and will be taking that into my next relationship!

 

[Sammyjo]

I think it comes down to whether you still love him or not.

@Beautiful1973 mentioned grieving - this is exactly what you are going through, and it makes is difficult to think rationally. As a matter of fact, when I found out about the porn (by the way, this is my 2nd go-round with my husband regarding porn) it felt the same (only worse) than the day my dad died.

I had to really think about whether I still loved him or not because I was blinded by hurt and fear, and some resentment that he would "do that to US". He is kind, generous, giving, understanding, many great traits. Truthfully I felt like I watched him behave this way with others but for a long time - he put others first and I felt neglected (I believe another side effect of porn). So recalling his wonderful traits was a bit of a battle because I had spent so much time watching him be so thoughtful about others and being envious of them. I had to do some deeper digging to recall the many times he he exhibited those wonderful traits towards me. AND being hurt doesn't make it easy to recall nice times.

We are no 6 1/2 months past D Day. Almost every day has it's challenges, but not every day anymore. And there are now good times mixed in. The kind, loving, generous person I married is re-emerging.

So, ya...ya just gotta figure out if the fight is worth it to you.

 

[ImBroken]

Thanks y’all - you are all right - it’s THE decision. Right now I still think I am in shock and just existing as a person. I committed to ask him not to leave for his first 90 days. I know we can’t compare situations - but his porn addiction is long and the kinks (to me) have progressed to a level of beyond fucked up. Right now the love and the care is not there for me - I see no way of ever returning to a semblance of normalcy. I’ve got enough in me to provide the home he knows for the first 90 days and he seems to be working his program pretty hard - this is shitty to say…I really don’t care. I have gotten a string of emails and texts from him … and he has a pretty good grasp of what he has done to us…to himself … and how it has made me feel. Right now I just don’t feel anything. I’m doing my work as well - so for today…I don’t see us making it as a couple…he does…and I’m just not there - this is a 2nd big offense - trust shattered, hope long doused, love - I’m sure there will always be a tiny part of “it” - but it has radically changed. I AM NOT GREATER THAN ANY OTHER HUMAN on this rock. I cleaned up my act from drugs and alcohol long before I met him. He brought this addiction with him…hid it…its manifested in numerous ways…I just don’t want to deal with it again. Where I am at right now - 1. This is the biggest disappointment I have ever experienced in my life 2. I’m so sad that 30 years together is going down the shitter. - But at 55 I have a lot of living to do. I deserve the love I want - shame on me for not realizing that sooner. 60% of the marriage was good - 40% was not. The past two days have brought relative calm…to my thinking process…now I just have to pick the pieces of shrapnel out of my body over time. There is no winners in this…we both have lost.

 

[Gracie]

We are all worthy of that love you mention. Every one of us. The feelings we have , after we find out, are mind numbing. Always in this we must take care of ourselves. Set Fire to the Rain by Adele was a song I used for strength. Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit is a helper to at times. I use my car and my awful singing ability. And yes my husband and I we do have a love song list. We are worthy. We should not change ourselves to meet a standard that is not us. In looks, actions or words. It is up to our partner, to realize that it is they who have or could lose the prize. And they need to take steps to earn our trust. If they have made it so that trust is gone then that is not on us.

We are not the problem. Not being as sexual or sexual enough is not the problem. My husband said,he thought I did not want sex anymore. He never talked to me. He never asked. He started sleeping in another room or stayed up late. He said compared to girls he was watching, I was not sexual. Huh? They get paid you know. He stopped all non sexual affection. We and I are worth more than that.

 

[Tha]

estou sofrendo de TEPT por causa deste evento - não gosto de diagnósticos espalhados - mas alguém ouviu isso ou sentiu isso - estou me perguntando se estou em negação agora ... nunca vai acabar

I'm sorry again... Unfortunately, that's exactly what it feels like, a diagnosis of PTSD. I say this with the lucidity of someone in the health area and also because I have it, I am using medication. The trauma is so great and overwhelming that we become survivors of a war, with all the wounds one can have. And I feel like we're going to carry them for the rest of our lives. This weekend I had a crisis. I wanted to go away and leave him. I realized I didn't recognize the person I was at the mall having coffee with. I didn't trust that person, there's no more connection, I couldn't enjoy a simple moment with him anymore. I left crying in the middle of everyone to the bathroom. It's a physical, tearing pain, I know. I cry at work, on the street, in the shower. Maybe this will pass with time... With the changes happening. But maybe not. My desire is to end it all and move on with my life. You're right, we all NEED to be loved. WE DESERVE it! But I couldn't look for that in another person as traumatized as I am today. For what he did and the guilt of me not trying. I need to get rid of the guilt of not trying, so I set myself a time limit on his side, playing my part in all of this. But honestly, if this feeling of pain doesn't go through my personal deadline that I set, I can't imagine myself next to him, even with ALL the love I feel. And honestly, I would DEFINITELY not go through that again. Either things get better, or I really can't stay in a relapse. I really admire whoever gets that gesture.

I think only we ourselves know the extent of our pain and how far we can go. I NEED to stay to prove to myself that it's not right and to be able to move on with my life without guilt (or be convinced that love can save him after all). But once again trapped in the time variable.
But look at it this way. If you look closely, my decision to stay is based on a selfish gesture, on a way I found myself to feel better at the end of it all, without guilt. Maybe the way is for you to do something for yourself too, that makes you feel lighter, stronger to take control of your life again.

 

[ImBroken]

@Tha - THANK YOU - @Gracie - THANK YOU - Every S.O. - THANK YOU - Sometimes I feel like I am just too bitter, resentful, selfish a person…but this is the 2nd big relapse in the past twenty years - I thought it was long done - buried - what a fool I was to not even think his addiction was alive, well and all-consuming…I feel like such a dolt. Weirdly - the past two days I have contracted a cold, 102.7 fever - Brian (my husband…for now) took the day off from work to play nurse. He was great - Gatorade, tea, meds, - fortunately I was in too much of a fog to think about anything - it was a little mental holiday from all of this. He is not getting any points for this - it did not remind me of the “love in partnership” - he did me a solid - I didn’t ask for it. I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth - but I am not going to throw it in his face either. I’m sticking to my time frame of letting him have 90 days at our home so he can work his program. I’m starting activities on my own. My mind is 99% made up that we are over…but my shrink said - a lot can happen in those three months. Just being honest here - I have a very strong urge to act out and revenge cheat - Just to get it out of my system - be with another man for one night of passion - just to get it out of my system - Im not even fantasizing about it - -I just want to do it - almost as proof to myself that it was never about me (his addiction) and reclaiming my fucked up sense of self-worth. Its a long time ago - but when I was in active addition with drugs and alcohol - I knew I was hurting those that loved me - How the hell did he never realize his porn obsession/game playing/virtual affairs would devastate me…again? One day at a time for me. Thanks for all the support and honesty…A lot of these feelings are very new to me.

 

[Sammyjo]

I have a very strong urge to act out and revenge cheat - Just to get it out of my system - be with another man for one night of passion - just to get it out of my system - Im not even fantasizing about it - -I just want to do it - almost as proof to myself that it was never about me (his addiction) and reclaiming my fucked up sense of self-worth.

I had a very brief thought of doing the same - literally a fleeting thought - but I had been reading so much here that I thought if I did I would feel crappier because since reading here I feel like every man has this addiction and I would just be filling some momentary f'd up fantasy he has and that is super creepy to me. (That is quite a run-on sentence!) Then I had the thought that I would start looking at P - men with huge dicks, maybe get a GIANT vibrator, and tell him he couldn't satisfy me anymore because I have these other things to replace him with (to let him FEEL in his heart what he did to me). But again, chose not to. This is not "who I am". As much as I seem different (tantrums, throwing things, saying mean things) this (I hope and believe) is a temporary me, and frankly one I don't like.

How the hell did he never realize his porn obsession/game playing/virtual affairs would devastate me…again?

HA! That seems to be the one question they can't answer. I've been looking for this answer for 7 months now. He can't seem to find an answer. If he doesn't know the answer than how can I be sure he won't do it again? Perhaps he knows the answer and just can't admit it - like "I was a selfish jerk, only concerned with my desires and I figured what you didn't know doesn't matter"....but then that leaves more questions like "how do I know you're not still that person"

Sigh - rant over - off to the gym to burn off some anger.

I hope you have some sunshine in your day.

 

[ImBroken]

Sidebar: Can’t tell you all how comforting in a really uncomfortable reality - all of your sharing means to me. I literally feel like I am the only person on Earth who has these “not really me” aberrant thoughts. @Sammyjo - YUPPERS - my biggest “I can’t get over” thing is his lack of an answer how I didn’t even cross his mind during all of this acting out??? This is a man with two PhD’s and all of the sudden - he can’t think or put words together to answer this question. “I don’t really know” - is possibly the worst answer to be given - and thus contributes to: damned if I know, damned if I do know…so what’s the point?

 

[Sammyjo]

Sidebar: Can’t tell you all how comforting in a really uncomfortable reality - all of your sharing means to me. I literally feel like I am the only person on Earth who has these “not really me” aberrant thoughts. @Sammyjo - YUPPERS - my biggest “I can’t get over” thing is his lack of an answer how I didn’t even cross his mind during all of this acting out??? This is a man with two PhD’s and all of the sudden - he can’t think or put words together to answer this question. “I don’t really know” - is possibly the worst answer to be given - and thus contributes to: damned if I know, damned if I do know…so what’s the point?

Uh ya. So I'm not sure I really buy into it, but in the reading I've done over the last 7 months (and there's been A LOT of reading!) I have read several in places it has to do with compartmentalization. One description was something like "think of a man's brain like shoe boxes in your closet. He pull one down to use and doesn't think of anything else...put's the box back and pulls another out and focuses on what's in that box"...Basically you're a box and porn is a separate box. (One thing we know for sure, they sure do like boxes) (Pun intended).

I'll tell you one stupid thing that has helped me while waiting to see if he can stick to the changes he's making, helps me not focus on the situation for at least a few minutes each day...I found Huskey Reels on facebook. They are short tik-toks all with Huskies doing silly things. They make me smile, and it's so important to find a reason to smile each day. Maybe you can find a something silly to take your mind off all this crap and make you smile if only for a couple minutes each day while you wait out your 90 day commitment?

I can't recall how long you've known, like I said, I'm at 7 months, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. Not to say the thoughts don't eat up a lot of my time still, but starting to think more clearly and having WAY less extreme emotional moments. Thinking clearly is SO important when you are making such a long term decision.

Sending you hugs!

 

[Beautiful1973]

I’m starting activities on my own.

As I have said in other posts, this is immensely important and will do wonders for your healing!

How the hell did he never realize his porn obsession/game playing/virtual affairs would devastate me…again?

My man(ex) has a slightly different take on this, he has said that he knew he was being selfish, but that in the moment he would tell himself 'just one more time. I just want to orgasm'.......but then afterwards he would be filled with guilt and shame, so he would disconnect, withhold love, be cold....which would create more hurt.....and the cycle would go around and around!