My story.

[Crackers1]

Where do I begin. I grew up in Is New Jersey. Both my parents were very young teenagers when they had me. As far as I can remember, my most vivid memories when I was probably 2 or 3 years old was my father beating up my mother. I used to live in sheer terror .My mother was your typical cold distant mother, and was suffering from battered wife syndrome. Both their behaviors were very dismissive , and as a result I started developing Very Erratic behavior, and Became a biter Of other kids.As I got a little older, I had seen sexual magazines in my house. Eventually I started acting out with a boy and a girl in my development. As I've gotten older I sensed it was self soothing, and neglect from all the chaos and anxiety that went on in my house. As I got a little older I started putting on weight. At that time it was my formidable years of the ages between 10 and 13. My father shifted his abuse towards me as well. He was so insanely abusive with his names he had for me that it just tore my soul apart. On top of that ,I feared for my life with his physical abuse. Growing up in the eighties I also had kids torturing me about my weight. I had nobody to turn to. My mother was weak and self centerered and reveled in keeping her children overweight. Even to this day she still contends that she was a great mother. Because of the constant abuse from all angles, I shifted my focus in losing weight and exercising. I knew there was no other escape from the abuse. As I got into my teen years I became very powerful and strong And sexually active. I was actually one of the best football players in my state and had a brief NFL stint. Finally as I thought my life was going so good, it got even better as I met a beautiful girl of my dreams. We were so sexually active It was insane. Then she started mentioning about her other boyfriend being better than me. That's where the instincts of my father took over and I started verbally abusing her. Eventually she got tired of my crap and broke up with me with eventually it being mutual. Because of the shame of the relationship I stayed away from women For almost 10 to 11 years. Now I'm in my late twenties and I have been watching pornography and using visual masturbation. I got into relationships with 2 different girls but could never achieve an erection. Even though they were girls I would not necessarily have been in a relationship for long term I still found it humiliating. 3 years later I met my wife. At that time my pornography addiction had escalated. Also the Internet and high speed porn had come into play. I was so shamed that I could not get an erection the 1st week of our relationship I totally flipped out. Some sort of mania took over where I started getting erections all the time even when I was sitting down. It was some sort of hypomania or a hyposexuality to the 10th power. When on all I was just trying to prove that I could get an erection... When in all reality all I wanted to do is go back to porn. Sure enough our sex life had died off after we had 4 kids. I got back in the porn and she was OK having a sexless marriage or at least that's what I thought. Fast forward about a month and a 1/2 ago... my weight had soared through the roof. Something in my mind snapped. I end up losing 60 pounds, by stopping drinking and eating a complete vegetarian diet. But my Mania has returned. I've had serious health anxiety and preoccupation with my Genitalia. I'm worried that I have all these illnesses with that area even though I can still get an erection masturbating. Now I'm scammering all over the place to find somebody to help me with my rebooting( ie a good therapist). I've searched high and low. I thought having an ivy league education , I would be able to find somebody to help me. I've found no resources, and it really sucks doing this on my own. I can't stand going to SAA because all these guys talk about is sexual things when they get done with the meetings. The counselor that I'm seeing specializes in alcohol addiction and totally avoids what I'm going through. If anybody could recommend any sources of therapy I'd be so indebted to you. Thanks and everybody be well.