What’s the point?

[TheFuture1]

Not sure why but this is on my mind a lot today.

I feel like the chance for a meaningful life has passed me by. I’m almost 40. Never been in a relationship, bored of my job, no real transferable skills. Future feels really bleak. Like I’m just going to wait out my life and cope as best I can.

I remember when I first attempted recovery 10 years ago. It was going well but then these feelings of worthlessness came up. I guess I figured that being an “addict” was better than being useless and I gave up on recovery completely.

More than that, I basically made myself re-addicted. I chose it this time. I keep replaying it. I was getting into a 12-step group and I guess that being an “addict” gave me an identity, community and meaning in my life for the first time. As I started to really recover and focus on my life, I realised that the 12-step group I was in wasn’t working for most people.

I wanted to believe that it worked though - if the 12-step group wasn’t working, i feared it would mean that everything good about me had come from my therapist.

It felt humiliating. She had never been an addict but she understood my problem so well. I loved and admired her but sometimes she made me feel like a lab rat. I’m sure she didn’t mean to. I couldn’t take it and I couldn’t tell her how I felt so I quit therapy.

I just can’t get over it. I threw my life away and chose addiction and I don’t think I can ever get that chance at a meaningful life back.

Finding it hard to hold my head up these days. Hard to really get excited about a future life without addiction when I know that I’ve thrown 10 years away for no good reason. The chances of me ever being in a relationship are pretty low now. The chances of me ever having any success in a job that’s meaningful to me also seem very low.

So all I have to look forward to is a boring, lonely life. It could be worse. I do have things to be grateful for. It just feels like I’ve failed.

 

[Galatians51]

Don't give up! Life is what you make it. Being nearly 40 doesn't matter, there are plenty of people that find success in their career, a fulfilling relationship, purpose for their life, etc. in their 40's or later. I've been trying to quit porn since I was a teenager, about 20 years, so i totally understand the feeling of failure. You have to pick yourself up and decide to go forward anyway, because nobody can pick you up but yourself. People can be there to encourage you or help you, or sometimes you're just on your own, ultimately you are the only one that can decide what to do with your life. You have plenty of time in your life to learn new skills, start a business, travel, meet people... whatever you want. You just have to snap yourself out of this funk and decide to do something.

 

[AlexthenotsoGreat]

I'm in a similar situation. 37, never had a real relationship, too much time on my hands, few friends to speak of. I also used to attend 12-step for five years but then I realized that only very few of those attending experienced any real change. Shortly after I quit the group I was off porn for the longest time I'd ever been. The book The Heart of Addiction by Lance Dodes changed how I saw my addiction and myself. Now I'm on my longest time without porn and I feel hopeful for the first time in years.

I used to be suicidal. I was medicating the pain of feeling like a complete nobody with no prospects. Yes, it is late in life. Yes, I keep asking myself "what went wrong?" that my life turned out like this. But I could keep asking myself those questions till the day I die, or I could decide to make the best of what I have left and find some joy. I can choose to be bold and ask that woman out on a date, or I can go home and spank my monkey and have another pity-party. I choose boldness. And if she says no, then I'm still not going to feel hopeless.

Let's face it, whatever ideas you have about what sex is going to be like when you're married, odds are it will be nothing like how male pornstars do it like machines. And it took me the longest time to realize that that is actually a good thing. One thing most people forget is that pornstars are actually the losers. Most of them can't get a regular girlfriend, because most women don't want to marry a guy who has sex with other women for a living. So these male pornstars end up marrying women who have been or are in the business. That doesn't sound so great in my book. Don't buy that all women want a sexually experienced guy. That is a load of bull sold by the porn establishment to keep you feeling like a nobody who has to use porn. I wish I could say it's easy trying to change things, but it is hard going. Most people will tell you you're going about it the wrong way. "Dude, you have to get out there and smash if she's gonna be into you." "Dude, no woman is going to want a virgin." (I'm assuming you are, like me) and of course "It's too late, you had your chance." I used to believe that too. But I took steps to find out where I had the biggest chance of finding someone. Maybe the club or bar is not the best option for someone like me. So I started going to church again after many years. And soon I found out that there are plenty of women out there, only we're looking for them in the places we're least likely to find them. Not gonna lie, I'm still not in a relationship. But at least today I'm going to ask a woman out, and I know just who it is. Life is worth it. Be bold. You're better than what everyone else tells you to be. And if you're ever feeling hopeless, feel free to send me a personal message. I'll gladly be a friend when you need one.

 

[Go Flow]

I love the heartfelt depth of this thread.

You guys are all so on point.

Blessed are the hearts of gold!

 

[TheFuture1]

Thanks everyone.

I won’t give up. I was just saying how hard it is and reaching out.

I’m taking it in small steps. I’m exercising regularly now and eating fairly well. The next step will be to start sleeping regular hours. I’ve got to make that my next priority.

I also joined a Church a few years ago @AlexthenotsoGreat. It’s taken me ages to feel like I’m starting to connect with it but I do really feel a part of it now. The people there have really made an effort to make me feel a part of it. I don’t know where else I could have found that kind of community and I’m so grateful.

 

[AlexthenotsoGreat]

That's great, I'm glad. And of course the most important thing is to quit addictive behaviors. I don't know how far along you are in that, but it does have an effect on mental wellbeing as well. Don't forget to pray to God for a wife. It's too easy to think it's all up to us.

God bless!