First Post - Feeling Scared!

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Hi Everyone. Please bear with the long post - I could really use some advice and perspective after an emotionally draining weekend.

I'm a straight man in my early 30s. Like many folks, I upgraded from magazines to internet porn in high school and continued the habit until I was 26/27. I began dating my now-wife at 25, and after some issues with ED, DE and subsequent performance anxiety, I discovered YBOP and cut out PMO pretty successfully for a few years. I found myself more attracted to my wife and even to women I'd see around the city, etc. I began successfully masturbating using only imagination and touch, and was happy with this progress. I still didn't consider myself the horniest person around, but my wife and I were in a good place with our sex life. I realized that stress and anxiety were issues for me that required some intervention, and I took up meditation on top of exercising and playing music.

Sadly, I relapsed this year at the worst possible time.

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for the last year. Sadly, we've experienced two back-to-back miscarriages. After the second miscarriage, the doctor said we shouldn't try for three months and that I should use a condom, but we ended up just having very little sex and I started a new job working-from-home alone. You know what comes next - relapse. I fell into old habits PMO'ing while alone in the house, telling myself it wouldn't impact my ability to have real sex. Boy am I paying the price.

Now that we're trying to conceive again, I should be having sex to climax with my wife three times during her ovulation week (more or less). In August, I had to take a break from sex and look at porn on my phone once while in the bathroom to get my erection back and feel the rush to climax. In September, I did this twice because I was losing my erection during sex with my wife and I needed to orgasm. I could barely feel anything while inside her. Then, this weekend, I could barely get excited by her touch and turning to porn only made me feel like a complete POS and launched us into a weekend of disappointment, pain, stress, anxiety and worry for the future.

I was honest with my wife about my porn usage and the possibility that it had affected my libido, which only made her more disappointed in me for picking up this habit when she really needed me to prioritize us and our goal of making a baby.

After several failed attempts this weekend, we are emotionally exhausted, scared and unsure how to proceed. My wife wants me to do something and not wallow in the low feelings, but I'm struggling. I am committed to rebooting (again), but not sure if I'll be able to perform again next month - which would be scary as I don't want her to suffer again.

I could use some advice and support, please. Thank you.

 

[GrateClips]

definietely feel this is a lot of stress as a cause. you are putting a ton of pressure on yourself to have a baby. when women do this they very often have trouble conceiving. heck my wife was one of those women. basically once she gave up on the idea of having children in her mid/late 30's she ends up getting pregnant.

let me phrase your life to you differently. you are in your early 30's wife is only 25. you both should feel little pressure to have a child right now. trust me on this. you should look at sex as something enjoyable to do with your wife and if a baby comes along great. i remember when we tried for a baby so seriously it felt like studying for a test, my wife literally would say its time for me to do my duties. that phase i remember getting sex a lot but it was very mechanical sex and not very inspiring.

you should definitely reboot and work on your own journey away from PMO. And hopefully your wife will begin to rebound emotionally. in the meantime don't put pressure on yourself to conceive. think of the millions/billions of pregnancies that result from a man and a woman who just decide to have sex because that is what they want to do.. act on their feelings. Not have a baby per se.

as far as next month, just abstain from PMO, communicate with your wife and try and put less pressure. you have one very nice advantage over many men here in that your wife *is* motivated to have sex with you!

i feel for you because i have performance anxiety for a different reason but its just the same.. its a scary feedback loop mentally and as you put it, its scary and unsure how to proceed is a good way to put it.

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

definietely feel this is a lot of stress as a cause. you are putting a ton of pressure on yourself to have a baby. when women do this they very often have trouble conceiving. heck my wife was one of those women. basically once she gave up on the idea of having children in her mid/late 30's she ends up getting pregnant.

let me phrase your life to you differently. you are in your early 30's wife is only 25. you both should feel little pressure to have a child right now. trust me on this. you should look at sex as something enjoyable to do with your wife and if a baby comes along great. i remember when we tried for a baby so seriously it felt like studying for a test, my wife literally would say its time for me to do my duties. that phase i remember getting sex a lot but it was very mechanical sex and not very inspiring.

you should definitely reboot and work on your own journey away from PMO. And hopefully your wife will begin to rebound emotionally. in the meantime don't put pressure on yourself to conceive. think of the millions/billions of pregnancies that result from a man and a woman who just decide to have sex because that is what they want to do.. act on their feelings. Not have a baby per se.

as far as next month, just abstain from PMO, communicate with your wife and try and put less pressure. you have one very nice advantage over many men here in that your wife *is* motivated to have sex with you!

i feel for you because i have performance anxiety for a different reason but its just the same.. its a scary feedback loop mentally and as you put it, its scary and unsure how to proceed is a good way to put it.

Thank you so much for that perspective and reassurance. You’re right - it’s such a pressure cooker to have scheduled sex as opposed to it being light and enjoyable. My wife is actually in her early 30s too but we met when we were 25. But it’s reassuring to hear your wife got pregnant in her 30s, too. I will definitely focus on rebooting and reconnecting with my beautiful wife. Thanks again. Hope you’re doing alright with the anxiety, too.

 

[GrateClips]

also another word of caution. once you hopefully do get pregnant and a child. throws a wrench in everything, the wife is often tired and very consumed with taking care of a child as she should be.

for me this was a time where i acted out and used porn a lot more. sex when it came around often felt like it had to be scheduled. definitely not the best circumstances.

if i had known now what i had known then i would have not used any PMO after children. just focus on my child, my wife, and myself. and let sex happen when it happens.

anyways, talk to your wife, be open with her. She sounds supportive ; you are lucky. Some partners would get very upset, and some would even leave.

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

also another word of caution. once you hopefully do get pregnant and a child. throws a wrench in everything, the wife is often tired and very consumed with taking care of a child as she should be.

for me this was a time where i acted out and used porn a lot more. sex when it came around often felt like it had to be scheduled. definitely not the best circumstances.

if i had known now what i had known then i would have not used any PMO after children. just focus on my child, my wife, and myself. and let sex happen when it happens.

anyways, talk to your wife, be open with her. She sounds supportive ; you are lucky. Some partners would get very upset, and some would even leave.

Wise words. Thank you, again. I definitely want to prioritize her and our marriage and not play with fire again.

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Hi friends. I am writing with positive developments to celebrate small wins and provide some encouragement.
This morning, my wife and I shared a really intimate and light sexual moment. We were in bed kissing, she got “in the mood,” and so I focused on her and made her feel good using my fingers. She also touched me and while I didn’t have my desired level of sensitivity, I got hard enough to go in for a little bit and continue giving her good sensations! I consciously stayed away from visualizing porn scenes, which has been a long-time crutch for me in the bedroom in order to stay hard and orgasm. I also didn’t beat myself up for not coming, which I used to do in the past and only made me feel insecure. I definitely feel more mature and confident in the fact I’m on the right path, and I thank all of you for the support and shared perspectives!

 

[Simon2]

That's amazing! I think not focusing on orgasms is the ticket. The pressure of it can just be too much. Especially when you are trying to conceive. Focus on making each other feel good (not just in bed but throughout your day when possible) and the rest will follow I think and porn definitely gets in the way. Our damn brain trying to ruin things...

 

[Moore0]

Hello guys , today is first day trying to break this porn addiction of 15 years . I’ve been addicted to this since I was a teenager and now I’m 27 I’m beginning to see the first signs of PIED and I’m determined not to let it get to a bad stage . Wish me luck

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Hello guys , today is first day trying to break this porn addiction of 15 years . I’ve been addicted to this since I was a teenager and now I’m 27 I’m beginning to see the first signs of PIED and I’m determined not to let it get to a bad stage . Wish me luck

you got this! Some days will be highs, other lows, but stay the course and lean on us for support.