Day 1 of recovery... here's too many more...

[brendan]

My story...

I didn't think typing the subject line would feel so amazing.

Right now as I type this I keep thinking "what am I doing here? This is dumb. This wont help." But I realize as well that I need help. Enough is enough. I can't stand what I've been doing for the past, I don't know how many years. Maybe since I was early teens I think I've been looking at porn. Started off as the usual light stuff. Regular porn. *ALERT - Trigger Warning* Vivid stuff, Playboy, Hustler... all those types of hardcore porn. Man on woman stuff.

But from there it grew. I needed more. I needed other stuff. I wanted that next big orgasm from looking at things. Needless to say from high school until the end of college I never had sex with a girl. I always felt something was wrong with me. I believe in the back of my head I felt as though I wouldn't enjoy it because it wouldn't be like what I've seen. I wanted THAT. I wanted that sex. The first time I received a blow job I felt as though I took too long to orgasm. I didn't know if it was too long. I had no idea. As the years have gone on, any time I've had sex I've craved something else. I feel embarrassed to bring up my "fantasies" because I know the girl I'm with isn't a porn star. She's a person. But I can't help it. I can barely get it hard at times or keep it hard and I usually brush it off to the girl I'm with as "I'm just really exhausted" or my "back is killing me". I even blame my diet and say I've been eating poorly that week. Anything to not accept responsibility for what I'm doing online.

As I said above, shortly after I began to search out porn and get off, it soon escalated. I needed to go to the next thing. I've looked at almost everything *ALERT - Trigger Warning* lesbians, orgies, 1 man/2 girls (or more), blowjobs, anal, gay and transsexual porn. School girl stuff. Anime porn. Voyeur stuff and amateur porn. BDSM, vomiting, peeing, analingus, even guys flashing girls in public. The list goes on and on. Some stuff even more extreme then what I've mentioned. I don't consider myself to be gay but I don't know if watching gay/tranny porn was just another thing to get off too because it was different. In other words, just something I hadn't seen before.

I can't stand it. I had a big hard drive full of my "favorites" or my "go to" stuff. It's awful just thinking I had that. It was lost when the drive crashed and I was devastated. How sad is that? How sad is that when you're devastated that you've lost porn. Ridiculous.

I've tried to swear off porn many times before. But it doesn't last long. I even said I'd only look at it on Sunday nights and Wednesdays. So dumb. Again, didn't last long. I even formatted my computer and wanted a fresh start. Next day? Looking at porn.

I hate that I do it. Hate it. When I get going looking at it, it's amazing. I feel great. I "place" myself in the situation and love it. As soon as I'm done I feel awful, ashamed and gross. I immediately delete whatever I've downloaded or clean the browsing history even though I'm the only one who uses the PC.

I've looked at porn at work on my phone. I've had it playing on my phone while I've been driving! So stupid and dangerous. I've looked at while on vacation too.

For fuck's sake, I'm 30 years old and can barely get or maintain an erection and I can't fully enjoy sex with whatever girl I'm with. This is ridiculous and needs to stop.

I'm so happy that I've found this place. Even if it means that I can slowly cut back on how much I watch and slowly move away from it, I'll be happy. I'm not expecting to quit cold turkey. I know this'll take time.

Wow. Even just typing this all out and thinking back as to how long I've been doing this makes me realize how awful this problem really is at hurting you. Hopefully I will remember to check in here. Even if it's once a week. Knowing I have somewhere to speak and lay it all out will hopefully help me.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to finally tell someone (even if it is on the internet) how I feel and how ashamed I am.

So, Day 1 begins tomorrow. I'm excited but also scared.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Brendan

I need help. Enough is enough. I can't stand what I've been doing for the past, I don't know how many years. Maybe since I was early teens I think I've been looking at porn.

What's up man. Just wanted to say I'm proud of you for making an account and posting and sharing. It surely will also help other people relate...and hopefully be freeing for you, and comforting to know you are not alone in this.

Many guys here all started watching porn when we were very young and escalated into the same type of porn you mentioned. The novelty of porn can really screw up our sexual tastes over time, especially for an adolescent.

Some stuff even more extreme then what I've mentioned. I don't consider myself to be gay but I don't know if watching gay/tranny porn was just another thing to get off too because it was different. In other words, just something I hadn't seen before.

You are absolutely right. You were seeking the novelty, shock, and surprise that internet porn provides. Put simply, you were seeking a dopamine hit to get the same high after desensitization kicked in. Happened to me as well. Started watching very abusive and shocking porn that originally disgusted me, but ended up arousing me after years of use.

Check out this article to help you understand the science behind it - http://yourbrainonporn.com/can-you-trust-your-johnson

and also this one - http://yourbrainonporn.com/why-shouldnt-johnny-watch-porn-if-he-likes

Even if it means that I can slowly cut back on how much I watch and slowly move away from it, I'll be happy. I'm not expecting to quit cold turkey. I know this'll take time.

I'd suggest quitting cold turkey so you can go through the recovery process and get your ability to maintain erections. Slowly quitting is usually a slippery slope that almost always leads you back to the pit of watching everyday again. Not saying it isn't possible, but I'd at least aim for cold turkey in order to let your brain sort itself out faster and delaying the inevitable.

you might like this FAQ - http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/why-doesnt-moderation-work-with-porn-use

Welcome to the Nation bro. Glad you're here and hope the best for you! Much Love

 

[Blenderhead]

Good luck. It's really a tough journey. I have had sex with more women after quitting porn and to some extend masturbation. I went from total ED and almost no sexual desire to being able to have sex after 6 months. After 1 year and a few months I still cannot get erection without physical stimulation, so I really want to fix that, but at least now I can have sex and I enjoy it more - plus I seek it out more and I have been on many wonderful dates because my attraction for women improved. A few years ago I thought something was wrong with me, and I was asexual. So I guess my reboot will take years.

So that's my story. I hope you will improve too ... and hopefully at some point those natural erections will return !

 

[brendan]

Thank you Gabe and Blenderhead. Those comments are great to hear!

However, I hate to say it, but I fucked up. I caved today. I viewed some mild lesbian porn this morning and then earlier tonight went into the hard stuff.

I hate myself for it. I really  do.

The only positive is that I was able to make it 12 days without PMO'ing. I see this is a plus. I don't think that I have ever been able to go that long (voluntarily) without PMO'ing ever since I first started looking at porn.

I suppose we all mess up with the first try. Now I know that I need to beat the first try. This morning when I viewed the lesbian porn I had a strong erection and I loved it. Earlier tonight? Not so much. I had to forced myself to get hard.

I'll give myself the one fuck up. I'd love to be able to make it to the new year without PMO'ing.