1 Month in Recovery Part 3

1 week after being clean I started to feel things again, 2 weeks I started to feel desire for my wife, but I also was getting porn flashbacks too. I have only acted out to dreams about my wife to date... but I still feel guilty for being the porn addict that I have become and will always be. I want to get better for her. I love her so much. I love my daughter so much. The thought of losing them, and lose them I would if she was to find out... as again... I have hidden all this so well, the shock AGAIN, would be overwhelming and too much, this I know.

I do feel I get aroused more often now... but I also feel temptation now more than ever in my one month of recovery. Please don't judge me too harshly... I know I fucked up bigtime. I fixed the strangers addiction, but the porn has been a monkey on my back that I have been unable to shake, but shake I must for my own self worth and to save my marriage. I want to be the sexually fulfilling man my wife deserves. In real life I'm the most unselfish person anyone knows... I put every one first before my needs, I help everyone out as best I can, I'm loyal and trustworthy... but in my addiction.. I reign as supreme ruler and I think I loved that aspect of it all too. Plus it was zero effort, so I have become lazy and inexperienced about how to even be a real lover anymore.

I will need your help over the coming months to stay sober and clean and to help me get my natural libido back for my wife and myself, so that we can enter this later part of our lives with absolute joy and hope for our future.

Apologies for the very large post, but even typing all this stuff up has made me reflect once more on what I did and how I have grown... but I need to do so much more.

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