6 years battling PA, at my wits end.

[Anon22]

Hello, I’m new and found this forum through a support group I’m in! Reading everyone’s stories and threads has been heaps helpful but also heartbreaking.

Long story short my partner and I have been together almost 6 years now. D-day was 5 years ago. Since then there’s been lots of hidden use, lies, gaslighting etc.

We are both 26, have a house and children together. Which makes the situation much harder. But I have absolutely reached my limit with this addiction.

He has apparently been clean since February, and I say apparently because my trust has been completely broken over the years, therefore I cannot take his word for it.

My biggest concern is that he’s been white knuckling it this whole time. He’s spoken to a counsellor a few times, but it was not someone who specialized in porn addiction. He’s read up on the damages of it. But right now he is not actively recovering. He believes he is just “recovered” now. Upon doing a lot of my own research, it is very rare to recover all on your own and not actively recovering in a group, or with a therapist.

This is my last time trying. If I find out he has relapsed and lied to me that would be the end of our relationship and he’s known this for the last 9 months. So, he very well could still be using and lying to me but too scared to be honest because he knows this was the last chance I was giving us.

I don’t know, I’m just kind of rambling but ultimately looking for some insight on if you think he really has been staying clean all on his own, and if that is sustainable.

Thank you for taking the time to read!

Hope for healing for all of us.

 

[Phineas 808]

Welcome to the forum, Anon.

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourselves in.

I do think it's possible that he could be staying clean all on his own, but given his history of deception and secrecy, he really needs to search for ways to build trust again.

If he has a computer in his office, as an example, to keep his door open. Or, if it's in a problematic location, that he puts it in a more open and exposed area of the house.

I hope that you two can work out a way of him checking in, or ways he can show transparency. And if he can find a therapist that specializes in this area, all the better.

 

[Anon22]

Welcome to the forum, Anon.

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourselves in.

I do think it's possible that he could be staying clean all on his own, but given his history of deception and secrecy, he really needs to search for ways to build trust again.

If he has a computer in his office, as an example, to keep his door open. Or, if it's in a problematic location, that he puts it in a more open and exposed area of the house.

I hope that you two can work out a way of him checking in, or ways he can show transparency. And if he can find a therapist that specializes in this area, all the better.

Thank you for your reply!

He does have a computer, in a room in our basement, it’s mostly used for the games he plays.

Usually all of his acting out is done on his phone, since he can use incognito.
We’ve recently been doing FANOS check-in’s every few days, and that’s been super reassuring. Until I have time to overthink and over analyze the ways he used to lie straight to my face and I’d believe it.

It is definitely a huge struggle right now!

 

[Phineas 808]

You're welcome.

Knowing how a secretive mind can work (from experience, unfortunately), the basement location makes me nervous. Him playing games, too, can (but not necessarily) feed into the same dopamine addiction as well.

Again, he can use 'Incognito' (or Firefox's version) on the pc downstairs, too.

I've not heard of FANOS before...?

Another option I just thought of, is he can use a porn blocking software where you hold the password, or receive a report of any averse internet searches... though a specific name of one doesn't come to mind (as I've not used them).

 

[Anon22]

I’ve heard that video game addiction can go hand in hand with porn addiction as well. But I feel that is one of his outlets to relieve stress of daily life, anxiety etc. as well as it’s a hobby of his! (I game as well)

I think him using the computer for it would be too much of a pain compared to his phone, as that’s with him 24/7. He would use at work, in the middle of the night, get up early in the morning to use. He also has gotten very well at deleting all evidence on the phone too, so it’s more safe for him to use.

We’ve discussed using an app on his phone with me as an accountability partner. We just aren’t sure which one to use. I also can’t get over feeling like I’m policing him, or being controlling. It’s exhausting.

FANOS is a check in system created by a sex/porn addiction therapist.

It goes like this:

Feelings.
Affirmations.
Needs.
Owning up.
Sobriety/Struggles.

Both partners have the time to open up and communicate.

 

[ImBroken]

@Anon22 - Just wanted to say WELCOME - here if you need any support. I am a brand new spouse of an addict - D-Day was about 50+ days ago. I’m still pretty shattered and numb - but the spouse is working his program. We have been married for 30+ years and apparently the P addiction predated me. I don’t mean to be a downer…but my spouse is/was also a gamer…and wound up creating an interactive porn game/sex game. This is how D-Day came about. One of his players (in the tens of thousands around the globe) sent a “gift” to our home address for him. I’ll admit - I was naive and trusting - I, too, thought let him have his gaming activities - at least he is not out of the home. Wow - was I in for a rude awakening.
He has stopped everything - all technology under some Nanny Watch thing - I’m a shitty accountability partner as I have no desire to check on his activities - it was too devastating when I did check…I didn’t know this man. I’m also of the mindset that this disease is so insipid - if he wants to go back to P - there are a million ways he can do it. I’m staying in the relationship for the first 90 days of his recovery - then, I will make decisions. Everything has changed. My circumstances are different from yours and everyone else’s. I just want to be happy again. I’m realizing that it is his addiction. He was so quick to give everything up to save the marriage - it just hurts so badly that for all these years he was active in his addiction - he never saw the consequences or the effect it would/could have on me. Its an incredibly selfish disease and since PMO is not a person I can fight or blame - I don’t know how much I want to fight. I’m taking it one day at a time…but shit hasn’t gotten easier - things haven’t gotten clearer - I have not gotten happier - trust is shattered. Lies hurt. And I am questioning every single day of our 30 year relationship. Wishing you well - again - here if you need support. This forum has saved me from doing stupid things these past 50 days.

 

[Anon22]

@Anon22 - Just wanted to say WELCOME - here if you need any support. I am a brand new spouse of an addict - D-Day was about 50+ days ago. I’m still pretty shattered and numb - but the spouse is working his program. We have been married for 30+ years and apparently the P addiction predated me. I don’t mean to be a downer…but my spouse is/was also a gamer…and wound up creating an interactive porn game/sex game. This is how D-Day came about. One of his players (in the tens of thousands around the globe) sent a “gift” to our home address for him. I’ll admit - I was naive and trusting - I, too, thought let him have his gaming activities - at least he is not out of the home. Wow - was I in for a rude awakening.
He has stopped everything - all technology under some Nanny Watch thing - I’m a shitty accountability partner as I have no desire to check on his activities - it was too devastating when I did check…I didn’t know this man. I’m also of the mindset that this disease is so insipid - if he wants to go back to P - there are a million ways he can do it. I’m staying in the relationship for the first 90 days of his recovery - then, I will make decisions. Everything has changed. My circumstances are different from yours and everyone else’s. I just want to be happy again. I’m realizing that it is his addiction. He was so quick to give everything up to save the marriage - it just hurts so badly that for all these years he was active in his addiction - he never saw the consequences or the effect it would/could have on me. Its an incredibly selfish disease and since PMO is not a person I can fight or blame - I don’t know how much I want to fight. I’m taking it one day at a time…but shit hasn’t gotten easier - things haven’t gotten clearer - I have not gotten happier - trust is shattered. Lies hurt. And I am questioning every single day of our 30 year relationship. Wishing you well - again - here if you need support. This forum has saved me from doing stupid things these past 50 days.

Awh, I am so sorry and absolutely heartbroken for you. I actually read most of your posts in here, and was bawling over them and many others. It is honestly the hardest thing to go through.

Like you said, you don’t know who they are anymore. It is extremely selfish. I’m the same as you when it comes to being an accountability partner as well. The thought of going through his phone, computer puts me in such a state of fight or flight, I get shaky. I just don’t do it as much as I used to.

I want to believe he has been clean these last 9 months, but something deep inside me tells me hasn’t been.

Thank you for the offered support, the same goes to you of course! Especially if you just need to vent. I find that helps the most.

Hoping things start to look up for you.