I admit - I am addicted

H

homerun

Member
Porn is not ok. No more excuses.

My wife asks me if I have desire for her anymore and I tell her I do. But the fact of the matter is that porn is crushing this desire. I wasn't brave enough to admit this to her but deep in my heart I think somewhere I know the truth. That is why today instead of looking at porn I decided to search for porn addiction and I found my way here.

Is this the start of a new path? Is this the proverbial fork In the road? I am determined to make this work but I know I can't do it alone. It is the with the power and strength of this community that will help me get back on track - I will post here regularly to provide a progress update. Thank-you for reading my thread
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
Welcome to the forum and the start of building a happier, healthier porn free version of you.
Will it be easy? No but as long as you put in the work into recovery it is possible. I relapsed after nearly 600 days due to letting my recovery tools fall behind.
That might be a bit scary to read but its the truth.

Tell us a bit more about yourself? How long have you been using P?
What do you think triggers you?
What approaches if any have you taken to stopping before?
 
H

homerun

Member
Chris1986 said:
Welcome to the forum and the start of building a happier, healthier porn free version of you.
Will it be easy? No but as long as you put in the work into recovery it is possible. I relapsed after nearly 600 days due to letting my recovery tools fall behind.
That might be a bit scary to read but its the truth.

Tell us a bit more about yourself? How long have you been using P?
What do you think triggers you?
What approaches if any have you taken to stopping before?
Click to expand...
Day 1 - no issues. Honestly didn't feel any draw yesterday - I think it's because of the forum - it crushed desire

On to my story - started using P heavily since I was about 16 right through highschool, university and into my working and married life. Almost 20 years. I have tried to quit in the past just via shear will power but to be honest couldnt really make it past the 10 day mark. The trigger could be anything but generally occurs as a way to fall asleep. I am typically alone at that time of night and just have an urge to see something... Revealing. I would find myself making excuses to justify it but over time felt less and less guilty.

The reason I came to this website is I really felt that i needed to break the cycle of insanity - doing the same thing and expecting different results. I felt what was missing was a group of like minded folks pulling for me, encouraging me and uplifting me. I am too embarrassed to talk to friends and family or any sex therapist because I find this to be an embarrassing subject
 
H

homerun

Member
Chris1986 said:
Welcome to the forum and the start of building a happier, healthier porn free version of you.
Will it be easy? No but as long as you put in the work into recovery it is possible. I relapsed after nearly 600 days due to letting my recovery tools fall behind.
That might be a bit scary to read but its the truth.

Tell us a bit more about yourself? How long have you been using P?
What do you think triggers you?
What approaches if any have you taken to stopping before?
Click to expand...
After 600 days I'm shocked that there was a relapse -=would love to understand how this happened and what recovery tools let you down,?
 
H

homerun

Member
Day 2/3
Honestly felt pretty good, didn't really feel many urges. One interesting item - when i google "reboot nation", a message showed up saying that "safe search is off" - that was the first time i recieved an urge. I quickly selected the filter explicit results option and proceeded to type up this update. On day 4 now...
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
homerun said:
After 600 days I'm shocked that there was a relapse -=would love to understand how this happened and what recovery tools let you down,?
Click to expand...
Hey sorry not really been on here for a few days but phone keeps me signed in so why appears I am online. My tools didn't let me down but me not using them is what let me down. We were house hunting/then doing all the process of buying a house and I let my self care slip. I started just laying down with phone brainlessly getting dopamine to numb my stress. I also didn't allow myself space to relapse. I was 100% convince that it would never happen to me. So when it did i just felt so full of shame that I couldn't reach out. I let all those thoughts in of being fake. Being disgusting.
If I allowed myself space and self compassion on relapsing I could of managed it better and reached out for help sooner but instead I had 6 months of becoming more and more disconnected from myself, my partner and my world.
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
homerun said:
The reason I came to this website is I really felt that i needed to break the cycle of insanity - doing the same thing and expecting different results. I felt what was missing was a group of like minded folks pulling for me, encouraging me and uplifting me. I am too embarrassed to talk to friends and family or any sex therapist because I find this to be an embarrassing subject
Click to expand...

If we keep treating it like a shameful secret how are we suppose to not live in shame?
I found it helpful having people close to me aware of my issues.
 
H

homerun

Member
6 clear day have passed. Overall I’m feeling pretty good. I have to say - I really do believe that this forum is helping. It is keeping me accountable.

Thank you @strongfuture89 for liking my previous post and taking the time to read it. I appreciate all the love and support from everyone.
 
strongfuture89

strongfuture89

Active Member
I also think it is very beneficial being here on rebootnation while in a place or time that you would have used for pmo in the past. Our mind needs to link these situations to building yourself and not destroying yourself. It is why the mind also loves different places for eating, sleeping and working.
Good job, man, keep going! 👊
 
H

homerun

Member
I appreciate all the awesome support. Happy to report that I have made it to day 8! @strongfuture89 - totally agree, infact this is a great spot - when you feel the urge just come on here and post - almost instantly there is a relief/disconnect.
 
H

homerun

Member
A CHALLENGE
Day 11 - OK i have made it to day 11 - and i know this is one of the longer stretches I have gone without looking at Porn.
How do i feel? Well, happy that i have made it thus far, but i also know i have a mountain ahead of me to climb.
I just purchased a NEO Garmin Smart bike - why? Because I have decided to take on another challenge - this one to improve my health dramatically. I am not stranger to challenges, and I am feeling confident that I will overcome this as well
 
H

homerun

Member
Day 15 - decided against Fapping but still exploring the question of pros and cons of it, good news is I'm over half a month done which is most definitely one of the longest periods of control.inhabe ever had
 
H

homerun

Member
Day 18 in the books.. I am.pleasantly surprised at how I am handling this. I don't have much of a motor drive - but at the same time I'm not finding myself in a dangerous position and on the edge. It just feels like the cons are overwhelming right now. What are your perspectives forum? Was the first reboot easier than the second ?
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
My first true reboot was really chaotic as I was working through being an active addict since my early teens. I was very manic. Really high ups and very very dark lows.

My 2nd reboot less manic but was definitely feeling more depressed.

I feel the clouds are lifting now though.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Chris1986 said:
My first true reboot was really chaotic as I was working through being an active addict since my early teens. I was very manic. Really high ups and very very dark lows.

My 2nd reboot less manic but was definitely feeling more depressed.

I feel the clouds are lifting now though.
Click to expand...
This experience is definitely ironic. We get to the highest possible without drugs by looking at porn and then when we want to quit, it's like the brain says: "Nah, motherfucker, now you are going to experience the exact opposite of all the fun" and that's how many of us enter that flatline phase where you feel no libido and if dopamine makes you feel fully alive, flatline definitely makes you feel dead.

After pleasure there comes pain, they are the two faces of the same coin. The cycle for me is something like this: I experience (emotional) pain, I use pleasure as an escape and then pain comes again. Addiction for me starts with pain and ends in pain. Unfortunately, after all those years of "fun", it's clear that I need to experience a form of suffering to be let out, it's like a clinic for suffering: "Did you get your suffering quota? Okay, now you can leave."

I remember telling myself: "My life is shit, it's enough suffering, why the fuck do I need to suffer some more to quit this idiotic porn thing? This should be easy because I've suffered mentally enough since around 17-18." But it doesn't work like this. One of the key components in me quitting porn is that I need to accept the suffering, stop rebelling against it and then I might have a good beginning.
 
H

homerun

Member
Folks onto Day 25 now... I edged a couple of times but decided against going all the way - that being said I am feeling positive over making it this far
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top