Strength from Despair
New Member
Hi everyone! I never thought I’d be posting a journal about my porn addiction, because I have been lying to myself and everyone else for the last 40+ years. My anxiety is off the charts as I write this, so I hope I am making sense. It is so scary to admit how I powerless I became, and I am ashamed to admit I avoided this moment for so long.
It took my wife threatening to throw me out and to possibly lose my family (I may still) for me to get serious and get help. I’ve been In therapy for over a year now for anxiety and depression, but neglected to discuss what was causing it all - my addiction/my escape.
Everything started was I was around 10 or so and was introduced to porn and alcohol by an older family member, who eventually began sexually abusing me as well. I am finally facing that for the first time too. The addiction took a hold of me through magazines at first, then phone sex, then websites, and then video. I always thought I could stop, but eventually came back and was more reckless.
Over time my self-hate has resulted in me not taking care of myself, becoming closed off, avoiding old friends, and genuinely not being happy. All while having a wonderful family, wife, job, etc. I have everything I ever wanted, but wasn’t happy. I was too busy keeping track of my lies and deceit.
It has been nearly two weeks of reboot and I am happy about that, but I am still so ashamed of myself, upset that I waited so long, and scared of losing everything. I know I need to think positively that I am helping myself, but I’m struggling to get there.
Thank you all for listening. I know it’s probably a tale you’ve heard before, but it does feel good to get it out. As my name says, I am hopeful to rid myself of this and be happy again.
It took my wife threatening to throw me out and to possibly lose my family (I may still) for me to get serious and get help. I’ve been In therapy for over a year now for anxiety and depression, but neglected to discuss what was causing it all - my addiction/my escape.
Everything started was I was around 10 or so and was introduced to porn and alcohol by an older family member, who eventually began sexually abusing me as well. I am finally facing that for the first time too. The addiction took a hold of me through magazines at first, then phone sex, then websites, and then video. I always thought I could stop, but eventually came back and was more reckless.
Over time my self-hate has resulted in me not taking care of myself, becoming closed off, avoiding old friends, and genuinely not being happy. All while having a wonderful family, wife, job, etc. I have everything I ever wanted, but wasn’t happy. I was too busy keeping track of my lies and deceit.
It has been nearly two weeks of reboot and I am happy about that, but I am still so ashamed of myself, upset that I waited so long, and scared of losing everything. I know I need to think positively that I am helping myself, but I’m struggling to get there.
Thank you all for listening. I know it’s probably a tale you’ve heard before, but it does feel good to get it out. As my name says, I am hopeful to rid myself of this and be happy again.