19 YEARS OLD SAD LIFE,SEVERE SOCIAL ANXIETY,BOREDOM, NOT ATTRACTED TO REAL BABES

[Ricky]

I am a 19 year guy,will soon turn 20.I had picked up a variety of addictions when i was 14.PORN was one of them.I had later realised that porn wasnt something new to me.I started watching sexually arousing pictures and videos from A rated movies at the young age of 11 which later moved to pornography when i had access to high speed internet.

Porn never became a habit until I knew the level of arousal it created.I was exposed to porn videos saved on my brothers laptop.But never got attracted to it until my level of addiction increased.

Everything was going on smoothly until i realised that I had symptoms of sever social anxiety and depression.I never had a huge social circle until i reached high school.I would realise that i could not communicate very well with the girls :-[ .I would pretend as if I was the alpha I need not show any interest to girls  8) ,but this kind of behaviour was formed when i was deluded by pornography and other stimulatants like cigarettes,loud music.I would never really understand that why am I so anxious around girls which i would think of interacting.I am two different people all the time with girls.Whenever i spend time texting with them or on facebook i am so much interesting!But as soon as i would conforont them in real I would become extremely numb,nothing to say,bored expressions, a complete turnoff in easier words.

My expectations outweighed my reality.My reality would turn out everytime as a loser. :-[
I sucked at sports all the time.

i see a perfect picture of myself in my thoughts around women which is what i truely want to see in reality every single day.I would always fill that empty glass with porn,cigerettes .loud music.Quitting porn became extremely essential when i wanted to get my  life back on track again

I decided to change my behaviour by quittiing cigerettes at first.Now i am avoiding social contact with almost everyone.I wouldnt wait for anyone in the college.I prefer going home alone.Extreme feelings low,brain fog and blank emotions when confronted with highly enthusiastic people.
Whenever i had the oppportunity to hangout with a good company.I wouldnt even listen.I would be in my own fantasy of thoughts,that NOW I will say something NOW I will say whats going on in my mind!!but eventually I would end up saying absolutely nothing.And people with label me as a 'LOST','DRUG ADDICT' to name a few.
All of the good company I have been with all this time,quickly flew away as they found that there is absolutely nothing interesting to know about me.
I have literally lost the ability of staying in the present.

i need external stimulation to cope with my social anxiety,Depression,low self-esteem,boredom.I am more likely to be a victim to any addiction including pornography.

I have even lost the ability to get a precise emotion at certain social situations.I am not even able to fake it.People think of me as an extremely hostile person.I had deactivated my facebook because i  have got nothing interesting to share about my stupid little life.
I dated a girl solely for abstaining from porn and having a real intimate patner.My extremely weird behaviour turned her off completely when i couldnt even flirt with her properly which eventually resulted in breaking up.

I would objectify women which made me less interactive.I still do with me peers.But since i am in a reboot I avoid stimuli.Can i live more fullfilled with girls whilst the time of rebooting?

I cant even get attracted to girls even if they showed a lot of interest in me.I still do.I no longer find any interest in meeting girls i always wanted to hang out with.Despite their constant affection i would ignore.The reason behind this is i know even they are going to kick me out of their lives when they start believing that i am a boring weirdo!

I had been to psychiatrists and psychologists for social anxiety,stress and depression.And whenever i would mention about my behaviour towards girls they would mention as a 'DEFENCE MECHANISM' which i created in a past relationship in which i was severely heartbroken.

After reading my story I would want to know if you had similar experiences and give me necessary information to cope with what i am going through.I am trying hard enough to abstain from PMO and eventually will quit pornography.Its been 14 days of no PMO.



I was wondering how long can i possibly take to reboot??Is it possible to recover quicker that 90 days??How will i know that i have rebooted??Activities to be added in my routine??

 

[tkn0]

i see a perfect picture of myself in my thoughts around women which is what i truely want to see in reality every single day.I would always fill that empty glass with porn,cigerettes .loud music.Quitting porn became extremely essential when i wanted to get my  life back on track again

I can relate so much to this, I always paint a picture in my mind when I am THE MAN around women. And then in real life, nothing seems to escalate. Or it turns out they have a boyfriend and all my energy was a waste of time... I can become interested in a girl and paint up a whole scenario about her and me. I am a hopeless romantic, I would call it my achilles heel.

I have literally lost the ability of staying in the present.

Relate so much to this too, I am alot in my head... fantisizing, planning, thinking about my life.

i need external stimulation to cope with my social anxiety,Depression,low self-esteem,boredom.I am more likely to be a victim to any addiction including pornography.

Same here, I am very weak with addictions... I can become addicted to mostly anything that makes me feel good. People like us need to pick our addictions very carefully. For us, addictions most often need to be replaced by other addictions. I am trying to quit coffee, but I dont think its a good idea when trying to get off porn, because I need the dopamine from the coffee. It will be my next quest.

I would objectify women which made me less interactive.

I can relate, I have a hard time keeping myself interested in women if they are not sexually available or have a boyfriend... I only have like, 1 real female friend. I usually dont find women worth the time if they cant put out, haha, sounds harsh, but the truth. Are you the same?



Welcome to the forums, you will find alot of support here.
Best of luck.

 

[ksempai]

Dude, I feel your pain! Your story resonates with me in so so many ways it's not funny. Wish I could hi-5 you on coming to this realisation at 19 and getting on board to fix it. I have all hope for a bright future for yourself. When I look at myself (I'm 25 now) and how far porn addiction has rippled its way out into my life and layed down its effects, I can only begin to imagine what I would've been able to achieve if it wasn't there.

From what I've read and understood, there's no short answer as to how long your reboot will take. I'd say, though, I'm placing bets that you can do it quicker than me as you're younger and seem so much more mature than I was at 19 to come to this realisation. It says something about your mental maturity.
The way I've come to look at it is to take my mind off the end. When you don't focus on the destination, the journey becomes so much more enjoyable and quicker. Your new life has already begun. You're already on a fresh new path, but no one knows exactly where each path in life will go.

For my advice to you on dealing with this time, I'll draw on my past and how I've managed to function with porn in my life, as, if I'd done these things without porn, I can only imagine where I'd be. I've dealt with depression, anxiety, lack of motivation, and sleepless nights (watching porn) throughout it all. I learnt to live my life around porn.
What I have achieved through it though is: graduating from uni with a physiotherapy degree, have begun my own business, and have traveled the world. Sounds great on the outside but, it's had its mighty struggles. I haven't made it easy for myself, and I feel as though I've just managed to scrape through everything.

What has kept me well enough together and I've found hugely helpful is to surround myself with people who I want to be like. A person will naturally adapt and adjust their ways so that they will fit in and be accepted. This works on all levels for the better and the worse, and has had many psychology experiments done on it. So I've found, by surrounding myself with outgoing, positive, and motivated people, I've begun to portray myself in that manner and see myself in that way as well. I'm naturally an outgoing person, but I feel as though it's been fogged over by my porn addiction, however I'm gradually peeling back those layers. I find I'm at my best when I'm forced into leading a group situation (e.g. when I'm teaching karate classes) and often get comments from people about how enthusiastic I am (I've even met girls this way, although I've crumbled when it's come to dating, much like yourself). When people first used to say this to me, I'd think "this is just a facade, you don't know what I'm really like", but as I've continued with it over the years I do more and more believe it, and am becoming more and more like that in everything I do.

I think the other big thing for me was traveling. I went to Europe when I was 19. It forced me to meet people, and get out and do things. Apart from the fact you were in gorgeous country, it was one of the least discriminatory social surrounding I've been in. Every single person you meet, is out there wanting to meet new people and to have fun and a laugh. You're forced into a situation where you have no option but to meet people and have fun. I learnt a lot about myself from that trip and just how outgoing and talkative I can be.

Anyway sorry if I just ended up blabbing, but I see good hope for you and a lot of similarities. I wish you all the best.
There's tonnes of activities you can take up. You just need to find something you are interested in. I've listed a few things on my first post which have worked for me.

 

[rebooter23]

i see a perfect picture of myself in my thoughts around women which is what i truely want to see in reality every single day.I would always fill that empty glass with porn,cigerettes .loud music.Quitting porn became extremely essential when i wanted to get my  life back on track again

I can relate so much to this, I always paint a picture in my mind when I am THE MAN around women. And then in real life, nothing seems to escalate. Or it turns out they have a boyfriend and all my energy was a waste of time... I can become interested in a girl and paint up a whole scenario about her and me. I am a hopeless romantic, I would call it my achilles heel.

I have literally lost the ability of staying in the present.

Relate so much to this too, I am alot in my head... fantisizing, planning, thinking about my life.

i need external stimulation to cope with my social anxiety,Depression,low self-esteem,boredom.I am more likely to be a victim to any addiction including pornography.

Same here, I am very weak with addictions... I can become addicted to mostly anything that makes me feel good. People like us need to pick our addictions very carefully. For us, addictions most often need to be replaced by other addictions. I am trying to quit coffee, but I dont think its a good idea when trying to get off porn, because I need the dopamine from the coffee. It will be my next quest.

I would objectify women which made me less interactive.

I can relate, I have a hard time keeping myself interested in women if they are not sexually available or have a boyfriend... I only have like, 1 real female friend. I usually dont find women worth the time if they cant put out, haha, sounds harsh, but the truth. Are you the same?



Welcome to the forums, you will find alot of support here.
Best of luck.

+1 to all of this..especially the inability to stay in the present. Always thinking about the past, and hoping for the future...I am at 6 months no PMO and I think I am reaching the bottom of the withdrawal...All you can do is distract yourself. Fill up your schedule with activities that you know you at least enjoyed at some point in your life, and truck on.