Behold, I'm Yours

[dantes993]

Hello all!

Feel free to call me Dantes here. I'm 20 - 29 male at the time I'm posting this, and currently a working force at creative company. Besides working I'm also studying for a degree and do love me some journals that are related to human resource. As those are my tools in improving myself from the inner aspect. Although currently I loathe my final assignments (which leaded me to PMO today), this event also led me to this journal which leads me to this forum. Although I know that public journaling exists (e.g Rewire Companion on Android), seeing this forum do make me intrigue about publicizing my journey and learning from other experiences as well. Which I hope that both I and Us can be more active here.

For me, rebooting is a process that I needed but not to be treated like worshipping some methods. I hope I can do rebooting naturally as I breath, where I don't think about rebooting but living the rebooting unconsciously. I have tried many methods in the past, and none succeeded for a long time, so this forum is a fresh start for me.

As for my thread title, it's hopeful statement and motto that I'll say it to my future spouse.
That's that and hoping to be more active with you all, see you again!

P.S Wish me luck also with this final assignment

 

[TypeN]

Welcome to the forum mate. I like the idea "rebooting as a process as natural as breathing." I think one great thing about getting clean is that, since you're taking control of your life, you get to decide what that looks like. From the short time I've been here it seems like people take all sorts of different approaches. I look forward to seeing how you tackle it.

Good luck with those finals!

 

[dantes993]

Welcome to the forum mate. I like the idea "rebooting as a process as natural as breathing." I think one great thing about getting clean is that, since you're taking control of your life, you get to decide what that looks like. From the short time I've been here it seems like people take all sorts of different approaches. I look forward to seeing how you tackle it.

Good luck with those finals!

Thank you so much for the kind response, mate! True tho, taking control of how I'm using my sexuality could be a good step to remain clear and sober. And yeah, starting now I'll also share how I feel today esp regarding to rebooting.

Once again, thank you!

 

[dantes993]

Day 1

Quite tired from the randomness of a lecturer, the final assignment, and also job expectation. But at least our holiday schedule for April has a clear target now. Certain material do tempt me before writing this, but I find it better to focus on writing on this journal thread. Anyway, that's all, that I could share for now, gotta take a bath now.

Side note, managed to contact woman that I approached before, and this type of music is also interesting for me somehow.

 

[dantes993]

Day 2

Idleness combined with perceived difficulty got me relapsed. If only I had face it sooner, instead of letting it idle around me. I do remember about this journaling process, but still I decided to let myself on relapse. Still, I don't need it wallow on myself defeat, and at least I gotta to face my assignments right now.

 

[dantes993]

Day 3

Gladly didn't relapse. By learning from yesterday experience in regards of perceived difficulties and just facing it. Another headache from the college, though it had been sorted out at least for me. Final assignment almost done, and glad that I still managed to read book. The book, esp about getting love and another thing I'm glad is to be able to produce a list for the love.

Hope you all, having a good day!

 

[dantes993]

Day 4

Relapsed again, even tho I'm supposed to be happy about free time and finished my assignment. So much happening in my mind right now, and it seemed hard to find which should I prioritize first.

I'm afraid that I have done something wrong at my work, and free time does confused me of what I really want. I will try to think creatively about this boredom as I finished this journal. Cause, I still believe that I can still do something about the free time that I have here.

 

[TypeN]

Day 4

Relapsed again, even tho I'm supposed to be happy about free time and finished my assignment. So much happening in my mind right now, and it seemed hard to find which should I prioritize first.

I'm afraid that I have done something wrong at my work, and free time does confused me of what I really want. I will try to think creatively about this boredom as I finished this journal. Cause, I still believe that I can still do something about the free time that I have here.

I definitely relate to not knowing what to do with the newfound free time; I think we all do here. Building a life in that free space is as much a part of the process as actually staying clean, so you're on the right track by thinking these things.

 

[dantes993]

I definitely relate to not knowing what to do with the newfound free time; I think we all do here. Building a life in that free space is as much a part of the process as actually staying clean, so you're on the right track by thinking these things.

Day 5

Right now, I'm even trying to use coding a game as coping mechanism. This reply might as well be my report of the day. Did a P but not MO, is it because I'm trying to it on place with less privacy or is it (I hope) because of this focusing on coding the game. I was thinking about the possibility of going back to the past, where I really enjoyed PMO, but decided it's not possible and just resulting in headache while I was trying to code. Was kinda confused about what to write here, but here I am. I just wanted this process of me coding game is not for any financial purpose, just for realizing how I really am. What I would really want is to be able produce something from this game of mine.

 

[KetchupDrool]

Day 5

Right now, I'm even trying to use coding a game as coping mechanism. This reply might as well be my report of the day. Did a P but not MO, is it because I'm trying to it on place with less privacy or is it (I hope) because of this focusing on coding the game. I was thinking about the possibility of going back to the past, where I really enjoyed PMO, but decided it's not possible and just resulting in headache while I was trying to code. Was kinda confused about what to write here, but here I am. I just wanted this process of me coding game is not for any financial purpose, just for realizing how I really am. What I would really want is to be able produce something from this game of mine.

First: Welcome to RN @dantes993

My question is about finding a sense of purpose. You appear to know where you are headed and have a clear goal toward April, but what's your purpose? Take some time to think about what is most important to you and what you enjoy doing. This can give you a sense of direction and help you identify your passions and goals. Look for ways to contribute to something bigger than yourself. Remember that discovering a sense of purpose is a personal journey, and what motivates one person may not motivate another. It's critical to be patient and kind to yourself as you discover your own sense of purpose.

I wish you the best of luck on your path to success to NOFAP.

 

[creativenothing]

I second @KetchupDrool on having purpose. It's helping me a lot this time around in my recovery to have a positive drive to pull me foward. Personally, I have my Buddhist practice that gives my life purpose, helps me to transform my mind, and gives me something outside and beyond myself to value. I see a lot of successful rebooters who are moving toward something meaningful for them, whether that be a relationship, their career, or their faith.

 

[dantes993]

Day 6

Thank you for the responses! As for finding purpose, I'm still quite struggling for it since I feel that kind of purpose would be changing on daily basis. It's hard to make something as a true purpose even just for a week. Although at some terms, I do understand why I do certain things, like working and reading.

Got relapsed, at first I wanted to PMO but decided to MO instead. I thought I could make myself to enjoy the P, esp the ones with my taste but somehow feeling it got bored. So I just decided to MO instead, still not feeling good tho even after that. Still glad that I managed to continue reading my book and listening to some music (which is quite hard for me to enjoy actually). Regarding books, I mostly buy the ones with non fictional content, so I decided this time to get myself the Hobbit book and we'll see how it goes. Felt good when exercising with resistance band and the air climber, even almost decided to skip dinner for "diet" lol.

I'll be hopeful that I'll keep on journaling like this in the future, even if the day is just mundane.

 

[dantes993]

Day 7

I wanted this journal to be more than just relapsed or not report. In short, I'm glad that I can relaxing for hours in simple manners also managed to meet up with friends online. I need to brave myself up more to approach a girl that I don't know of in mall or churches.

 

[dantes993]

Day 8

I wish for a good fortune for all of us in the new year ahead.

 

[dantes993]

Day 9

Gonna have a BBQ at my friend's house, so I write early here. I have decided to get myself some methods to help myself in unthinking of my clients. The bigger problem with them is not the content, but my urge and fear to reply to them quickly so I decided to go on slower this time. One noticeable think also, that I managed to being idle productively. It's like I am free to accept that I don't really wanna do anything besides relaxing while also keeping my mind aware instead of astray. It might also thanks to the yellow book I bought before as I need to assert my value once again, and while visiting a mall I do count how many females than I'm attracted to based on my list, still zero approaches tho lol.

I hope one day, that approach could at least get one number, even if it's at a Church.

 

[dantes993]

Day 10

First day of working at 2023. Still not used doing my old job while at the same time handling other for doing the job as well. The Hobbit book actually is a good change of pace, since the intro of it filled with home atmospheric. Tried playing Cossack from GOG and surprisingly it's fitted with me due to simple mechanic and less sound effects. Have also been thinking about how I should use my nakedness in the wise ways and the yellow book is actually that I hope can be my lasting value.

 

[dantes993]

Day 11

Have been many times interested by cheese making and type although can't put myself doing it for living. Just put my air climber outside, so I can exercise more freely instead of in my bedroom. Finally got myself a tablet and hopefully it arrive safely here, been looking for it for sometimes.

Was thinking about going outside to get me some unusual snacks, but decided to be idle productive for tonight. So far my mental is better with delayed responses on messenger apps.

 

[dantes993]

Day 12

Got tempted but managed to get myself together by remembering the yellow book. I begin to realize that at some point the idle productive don't really hold up. Gotta find some activities that I wanted to do, without forcing myself of it. As of now, still using the air climber for just a bit of workout. Even the Cossacks game, my love for cheese doesn't seem to hold up now. But journaling like this does help me in this kind of time.

Story Time

This might be one of my ways, to keep this journal is not all just about me. I'll be writing here story of objects that I found interesting.

Tulip is a species of flower that the Dutch loves. Turns out, Tulip's color does have meaning attached to it. For example, white represents the purity of love and marriage even though it is also used at funeral ceremonies, while orange represents good luck. At least here, it's rare to see the white ones at both wedding and funeral. I still wonder if a bouquet of Tulip even exists in a event such as wedding.

 

[dantes993]

Day 13

Wring this from my new tablet, and sometimes the relapse does make wonder if I should just give it up. But decided instead of finding something that I like (gaming or anime), I would try to focus on something that could give me a sense of self care, like food, selfie, holiday trip. It would be great if I could fully enjoy those things, instead of chasing something because of looks.