I'm looking for a guy's perspective.

[toofat]

Porn addiction has been a problem in my marriage for a little over 8 years. I didn't know that it was the case, and after I finally did see the light and address my husband about it, he was pretty receptive. To the point that he mentioned he found it funny/interesting that I was come to such a conclusion because he has recently started to wonder the same thing.

When the knowledge that this was an addiction that he's been harboring for this long first hit me I was so mad. For years I had been begging him to just stop watching porn so that we could try to regain some kind of intimacy, and continually he refused, or agreed only to lie about it. I know, I know, it's what addicts do...

Anyways, the only reason I even ventured down the path to considering porn addiction to the possibility, and ultimately learning what it really meant, is because I had finally come to the decision that I had had enough. I wanted a divorce and I wanted to finally be out of an unhappy marriage. Now however, I feel like it wouldn't be fair of me to just give up on him changing when he's never been given the tools to change before. Seeing as how he didn't know what the problem really was that is.

He seemed very receptive to trying to kick the addiction with the mindset that it was indeed an addiction, and I think that this is going to be a major game changer if it's real.

So, now that you have a little of my back story, here's the parts that I'm looking for a guys perspective on:
I really don't want to feel naive or regret not standing my ground. I am unhappy and I do not want to be in this marriage anymore if it means just a life of the same things. At the same time though, I really do... I feel like the rest of my life is dependent on this reboot. All I really truly want is a fulfilling and happy marriage... with my husband. I want this to work.

AH! I'm so torn. I had felt so good a few days ago when I told him I wanted a divorce. I felt like, "Finally! You are putting your needs before your wants." And so part of me wants to pursue at least a separation. Yet, the other part of me feels like it really wouldn't help things.

So guys, words of wisdom? Advice? Opinions? If I went ahead with a separation would that utterly ruin his chances of a successful reboot if her really means to pursue it? Would the shock of learning that I'm serious this time and actually following through with separating possibly be a motivating factor for him?

I know how I feel, and I feel torn. I really don't know what to do.

 

[OSS]

Well... One thing I can say for sure, he's damn lucky you're objective and understanding.

"Would the shock of learning that I'm serious this time and actually following through with separating possibly be a motivating factor for him?"

In my experience that's not how an addicted brain works. An addicted brain is typically hopeless and is likely to think "fuck it, I'm going to lose it all anyway and there's nothing I can do to stop it so I may as well relapse now instead of waiting for the inevitable." It's his problem and you have your own life to lead, as you said, you can provide tools for him. At the end of the day no one can do anything more than to share tools, ideas and offer support, the rest is up to the individual. But NO it would not ruin his chance of a successful reboot forever.

For years I had been begging him to just stop watching porn so that we could try to regain some kind of intimacy, and continually he refused, or agreed only to lie about it. I know, I know, it's what addicts do...

It is what addicts do.. But that doesn't make it excusable, lieing about a relapse is one thing but refusing to leave something behind at the cost of a relationship is a completely different issue.

So my advice...

Get him to read A TON of the material on "yourbrainonporn.com". If he comes back and says "well I don't have erectile dysfunction so my addiction can't be that bad" let him know that's just the tip of the iceberg for many of us, at the point I'm rebooting to save my mental heath I couldn't care less about a functional dick right now. It won't be until he actually attempts to quit that he will realize how big of an ordeal it can be. With that said, if he's not willing to commit to save the relationship or refuses to quit then unfortunately there's not a lot you can do, you've got your own life to live. Be supportive if he relapses but try not to take it out on him.

 

[sender]

You are married to an addict.  That's a tricky business.  For you to be healthy in that relationship, you will need to assert your boundaries, which includes not being responsible for his behavior.  In other words, cleaning up his act is his responsibility.  You do not need to "check on him", etc.  That will only result in your own co-dependency issues.

It boils down to connection and trust.  If you feel that you can forge a genuine connection with him and that you can trust him, then great.  He can recover; he can do it.  Many guys on here have done it.  But he has to be the one to want it.  You can't want it for him.

My advice is to lay it on the line.  Tell him how you really feel with full emotion; don't hold back.  Without shaming and blaming, just tell him how this has hurt you.  Addicts rationalize their behavior and pretend not to see the negative impact to others.  If you make that negative impact perfectly clear, then it will be harder for him to ignore.

Tell him that you expect him to be a good husband to you, whatever that means to you, and that you will leave if things don't improve.  If he cares about you enough to feel bad about his negative impact on you and your marriage, then he may decide to make the change. 

Then you need to give him some time to make the change.  It takes time; think like 6-12 months at least.  Then re-evaluate.  You'll know - you can always tell by how present and emotionally available he is.

 

[Mbg]

I recommend reading "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. It is a very in depth look at sexual addiction and it says a lot about the impact on families with an addict.  It also says a lot about coaddiction.  Just like a heroin addict, you can not enable his addiction or you become equally mixed up in the addiction.  His focus needs to be on recovery. Period. Salvaging a marriage or even the relationship comes after.  If your husband makes an honest change and gets the help he needs (i recommend Sex Addicts Anonymous) then what you decide for yourself should have no effect on his recovery.  You can't sacrifice your own happiness in hopes he follows through.  Remember, addiction is a disease and it's incurable.  He can work in recovery and be a healthy person again, but without a commitment to recovery the addiction will only continue to destroy his life and hurt the ones he loves. 

 

[toofat]

I wish I had the time and patients to reply to each one of you individually, but unfortunately I am taking timeout of some homework to check up.

First off, thank you to everyone who responded. Not only have your words provided me with encouragement, but also a sense of "it'll be OK" - if that makes any sense. Also, a good bit to think about and to look into.

As an overall update: it's been about a week and a half since I first broached the subject. Since then, he's given me free reign to all of his email accounts and I'd gone through and deleted everything porn related I could find. He's agreed to "reboot" (without calling it such) and the goal there was to try to remove reminders and/or temptation.

Also, I've been seeing a therapist for a while now (100% because of these problems and the depression that rose from it), and  he joined me for my most recent session. The main purpose was because I knew I was going going to talk about everything, and WE thought it would be good to hear my perspective to another person. It didn't turn out how we thought, but in a good way. He's planning to pursue counseling, but just not with the person I see. This may or may not lead to couple's counseling. We'll see.

He hasn't looked at any additional literature or other materials on the subject or porn addiction since I originally brought up the subject yet, but I'm a little scared of pushing too hard to quickly. There are a lot of positive changes so far, and I don't want to... I don't really know what I'm avoiding, but mostly I'm just worried about bombarding him and causing significant stress or anxiety.

So far things are going so well that it seems to be too good to be true. It's only been a week and half though. On the plus side, he broke his cell phone, so he's stuck using an old Nokia Music phone. He's loaded a few audio books that he's been neglecting to listen to and is almost done with the first 13 hour book.

He's also agreed to start tracking his internet usage to see where he really spends a lot of his time. My hope from this is that he will see exactly how much time he spends on the damned thing, and realizes that most of his activity had been a waste of time that he could have been using to do something productive. He had already started saying a few weeks ago things like, "I could have changed my breaks in these past 4 hours. I don't even know what I was doing".

Important to note: I feel a great sense of relief that I'm not making a mistake by giving US a chance to work past this. And I also feel a great sense of... at peace(?) knowing that I will be OK and able to make the transition to being a single adult if things don't change.

 

[jjhh]

I think the key is that he needs to understand the severity of the situation and accept the fact that his actions are the problem.
It's not the wife's fault if the husband is watching porn. It is not, but that's the excuse he will be telling himself.

Despite that all, I think he really needs support, understanding and a chance to earn your trust again.
From my own experience, I told my girlfriend I have been struggling with porn addiction in the past. You know, just wanted to get it off my heart and tell her that.  She was amazingly compassionate, understanding and at the same time made clear that she trusts me when I told her I don't watch porn anymore. By that behaviour she gained huge points in my eyes, simply made me love her more, and gave me extra motivation to keep that promise.

 

[Innocence]

I personally think it's really good that you found this site so you could help and understand him! From my own experience, (or else I wouldn't be here) a porn addiction can be very tough to over come but never impossible! Yes, he's going to need your support in it but he has to go for it because he wants to! I'd personally really suggest both reading the ebook on yourbrainonporn.com it gives a great insight on the subject and I found it to be a very good motivation too because it does not only contain information but also parts of journals from guys how their life really improved.

I honestly really get your point, but besides from maybe wanting a divorce also try to motivate him on the benefits of getting rid of his addiction, there are plenty! What also could be a help for him is to write journals on this site, so he can vent away! In my opinion, this forum is a really great support, nobody here is going to judge each other and will only help in a very positive way.

Since you're both together I'd like to suggest giving this link a read: http://yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-with-a-partner
It might be that you maybe want to avoid sex too, but it also depends on each person since everyone is different.

What also can be a great help is to install porn blockers! For example opendns! You can install it on your computer but even in your router so there's no way porn can be viewed in the house

I wish you both truly the most of luck and if I ever can be a sort of help, I'd be happy to.

 

[toofat]

Since you're both together I'd like to suggest giving this link a read: http://yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-with-a-partner
It might be that you maybe want to avoid sex too, but it also depends on each person since everyone is different.

What also can be a great help is to install porn blockers! For example opendns! You can install it on your computer but even in your router so there's no way porn can be viewed in the house

I wish you both truly the most of luck and if I ever can be a sort of help, I'd be happy to.

I really thank you. I will definitely look into the link you provided and encourage him to do so as well. As soon as I started to read the line about porn blockers, my first thought went to, "but he uses linux and has a degree in Computer Science". Then I read the part about installing it on the router and felt a sense of "OK, I can do that." since we have a super awesome router than can do a lot of things. I feel a little ashamed though that the original reason for that thought was that I was honestly thinking of doing this things behind his back. I thought, "If he's not looking at porn then he doesn't need to know that a blocker is up, and would never even find out." But... That's not really conducive to openness and honesty. It's as bad as how I used to sneak onto his computer when he was at work just to confirm my suspicions. Most of the time doing that did more harm to me than anything. Even though, I have to admit it's probably the only reason why the porn addiction light bulb ever went off in the first place.

This is a hard road, full of a lot of doubt, what if's, and guilt. I can't change anything that has already happened, but I am trying to make a conscious effort from here on out. Trust goes both ways. I know he hated that I would snoop on his computer and his cell phone and, even though I felt justified at the time, I know that all it's going to do here on out is tell him that I don't trust him, and that he can't trust me not to.

Thanks also to jjhh for reiterating the importance of trust.

 

[HumbleRich]

I'm not going to say too much because I am afraid of being biased.  I myself am rebuilding my relationship with my girlfriend.  We have talked about getting married and I plan on proposing.  She has said it is all up to me and making the changes that need to be made.

I don't think that separation would help, in fact I think it would make things worse. 

On the other hand, you have to look after yourself too.  You have to be true to your inner core.

Change is hard.  Hopefully he decides to change for you.  I am committing to change.  I hope he does too.

 

[toofat]

I'm not going to say too much because I am afraid of being biased.  I myself am rebuilding my relationship with my girlfriend.  We have talked about getting married and I plan on proposing.  She has said it is all up to me and making the changes that need to be made.

I don't think that separation would help, in fact I think it would make things worse. 

On the other hand, you have to look after yourself too.  You have to be true to your inner core.

Change is hard.  Hopefully he decides to change for you.  I am committing to change.  I hope he does too.

Thanks HumbleRich,
Even though you didn't say too much, the things that you did say are very valid things to keep in mind. The line about looking out for myself too really reiterates things I've already been thinking. My needs are to be happy and mentally healthy, and my wants are to stay married. Those two things are capable of happening concurrently, but that's entirely dependent on if he's successful in kicking this addiction (as well as some of the other habits that correlate to it). The only other way I feel I could look out for my own needs and yet still be married is/was at the time separation. I felt like separation might have been the path to taking care of my own needs while allowing him the chance to try to change without it eating me up in the process.

Also in reply to you, but as an overall update: So far things have been going pretty well. I know it's hardly been three weeks yet, but everything so far seems promising. I no longer feel like the only way to look out for my own needs is by being on my own.... Meaning, I no longer feel the desperate urge for separation. I feel at piece in my own home and don't feel the need to escape.

However, while there are many ways in which things are on the up and up, we are still having some issues with communication. By that I mean when I try to bring up the subject of porn addiction and him kicking it, I never really feel a sense of closure on the subjects I broach. We talk a little and there's no fighting about it, but I feel like I'm walking a fine line with what's pushing him too much, too hard, or too fast and he's not entirely forthcoming with the conversation. He doesn't shut down the conversation or anything, he's just not really being conducive to exploring it more in depth.

This is so strange for me because we often of very long conversations when the subjects are philosophical in nature. We have literally talked for hours about things like where my path in higher education will lead me and what that means for us. Or why he keeps turning down promotions at work because he doesn't want the extra added work load and stress of being a manager. Normally when the conversation has to do with anything that will effect our future, it's something we can easily go on and on about even if it rubs a sore spot.

It's really hard for me because even though I'm trying to empathize with what he must be going through, I really just can't until he begins to open up to me about it. I'm no mind reader. Even though there are some really great resources out there for me to try to gain a better understanding, every single person is different and therefore inherently experience things like this is different ways.

This may just be me being a little selfish. I want to know what he's going through in part because I just feel like I need to know. I feel like I need to know that something is happening, that he's working on things and not just taking the passive road. I feel like I need to know that he's making this a choice everyday and is actively seeking to make a change. I feel like I need to know these things because if I don't know them then I have no way of knowing that I'm not just being a fool by sticking around. That it's not just another one of those times where he tells me he's going to stop only to "start stopping" and never finish, and just goes back to the same thing.

Even though I try so hard to understand and accept that this is his struggle and therefore his place to make the calls on what he wants to share with me, when, and what he wants to keep to himself... I keep feeling like I'm the one who was hurting for so long, and I'm the one who deserves some empathy. Again, I'm torn. I feel guilty by saying these things, but at the same time justified because it's true.

I guess what it really comes down to it that we are both having our lives changed. He's going through the struggle of quitting an addiction, and I'm going through the struggle of beginning to heal. And regardless of which of us feels like we
re having a hard time, we both are-and we've got to be each other's support.

 

[Osa]

Well... One thing I can say for sure, he's damn lucky you're objective and understanding.

"Would the shock of learning that I'm serious this time and actually following through with separating possibly be a motivating factor for him?"

In my experience that's not how an addicted brain works. An addicted brain is typically hopeless and is likely to think "fuck it, I'm going to lose it all anyway and there's nothing I can do to stop it so I may as well relapse now instead of waiting for the inevitable." It's his problem and you have your own life to lead, as you said, you can provide tools for him. At the end of the day no one can do anything more than to share tools, ideas and offer support, the rest is up to the individual. But NO it would not ruin his chance of a successful reboot forever.

For years I had been begging him to just stop watching porn so that we could try to regain some kind of intimacy, and continually he refused, or agreed only to lie about it. I know, I know, it's what addicts do...

It is what addicts do.. But that doesn't make it excusable, lieing about a relapse is one thing but refusing to leave something behind at the cost of a relationship is a completely different issue.

So my advice...

Get him to read A TON of the material on "yourbrainonporn.com". If he comes back and says "well I don't have erectile dysfunction so my addiction can't be that bad" let him know that's just the tip of the iceberg for many of us, at the point I'm rebooting to save my mental heath I couldn't care less about a functional dick right now. It won't be until he actually attempts to quit that he will realize how big of an ordeal it can be. With that said, if he's not willing to commit to save the relationship or refuses to quit then unfortunately there's not a lot you can do, you've got your own life to live. Be supportive if he relapses but try not to take it out on him.

I did not suffer any porn or other sex addiction in my marriage and I still don't understand what went wrong.
What I can say though is that I would have appreciated a year's separation before the divorce but she just wanted out for no clear reason. Going from married to divorced with no year of separation in between had actually made me suicidal at the time.

Though I do not have an addiction to porn, I do have a sex addiction mainly involving prostitutes which started not quite a year after my divorce. Strangely enough, during our marriage I was not even able to imagine SRC with another woman. How my mind and heart had changed!
Since I could not see a solution, I simply relied on will power and prayer. Recently I have learnt of the existence of the male chastity cage and am considering that once I get a custom made one and can find a trustworthy keyholder since I have no wife now). It is an extreme partial and initial solution to an extreme problem in my case.

Of course you will have to find your own solution but that is the direction I am heading in at present.