In hindsight, I feel a little guilty.

[toofat]

Sometimes I think that the extreme episodes of my husbands lack of sexual desire may have stemmed from his attempts to stop watching porn for me. I really do believe that (even without knowledge of porn addiction or acknowledging he was an addict) he really did try to stop watching porn because of how it made me feel. Looking back and applying all of this new insight, I can't help but wonder if perhaps some of those episodes were actually him "flat-lining". And I can't help but to feel guilty that it's possibly he relapsed because I would nag him so much about why he didn't feel sexual needs, and therefore couldn't fulfill mine. So he searched out porn to see if his penis still worked, or to get inspired.

I know it's also just as possible his extreme periods of sexual inactivity with me could also be because he was having PIED. It's not something that I haven't experienced with him on more than a few occasions. I just wanted to get that feeling of guilt off of my chest though. I really wish I had a friend close to home I could talk openly to.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Sometimes I think that the extreme episodes of my husbands lack of sexual desire may have stemmed from his attempts to stop watching porn for me. I really do believe that (even without knowledge of porn addiction or acknowledging he was an addict) he really did try to stop watching porn because of how it made me feel. Looking back and applying all of this new insight, I can't help but wonder if perhaps some of those episodes were actually him "flat-lining". And I can't help but to feel guilty that it's possibly he relapsed because I would nag him so much about why he didn't feel sexual needs, and therefore couldn't fulfill mine. So he searched out porn to see if his penis still worked, or to get inspired.

I know it's also just as possible his extreme periods of sexual inactivity with me could also be because he was having PIED. It's not something that I haven't experienced with him on more than a few occasions. I just wanted to get that feeling of guilt off of my chest though. I really wish I had a friend close to home I could talk openly to.

First - what is up with this Too Fat name? Self blame will get you nowhere, quickly. Love your body for what it is today. Nourish yourself with good care, endorphin producing activities and think of yourself as worthy because you value who you are -  - NOT because you want his love or NEED to prove something - I guarantee "Too Fat" will turn into "Too Loved".

Listen, Porn is just the way he's getting dopamine because he has an addiction to dopamine. It isn't you. All the feelings of unworthiness and self blame you are ingesting and carrying around are so he doesn't have to feel them. Those horrible feelings you have aren't yours - they're his feelings - it is the reason things like gaslighting exists. It is why everything is pushed back on you when you try to stand up for yourself. His emotional world is in turmoil and you aren't helping by taking that part on for him. You are not crazy or emotional - you are human and deserve a life where you are valued, competent, worthy of giving and receiving love, intimacy and trust. For the dopamine addict those things are "crazy" so it gets thrown back at you. Don't accept it.

The only way through this is through this. You MUST start caring for yourself, because he cares for the dopamine hit from porn and not much else.

Love yourself first.
SORP

 

[Poker]

Hi TooFat....  You seem like a very caring person.

Have you tried talking to him?  Has he acknowledged his addiction and is he getting help. 

The future is always wide open, and nothing is ever set in stone.  I would consider telling him exactly what you wrote up top and see where he stands. Was he not your best friend? If he was, open up to him about these feelings.

However....  you still have to take care of you.  Bottom line.  Only you can answer when enough is truly enough.  He is also the only one who can take responsibility for his addictions and try to make himself better....

cheers,

p.

 

[toofat]

In response to the name I've chosen, see this post you've inspired me to make. http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2562.0

Poker,

You're right. He is my best friend. Has been since middle school. We have talked, and so far things are going well. These thoughts above, and simply me reflecting back on the last couple of years. I haven't brought to the exact the I posted about with him though. Like a said, things are going well so far, and I just don't want to push too hard too quickly, or bombard him with too much so soon. One step at a time right? I'll update/add a comment, in the future when I do bring this up though. I think it's important for my own self to address it.