Rock bottom-to big step

So I’ve been battling with this addiction for years now, with many relapses. However I suppose I never fully gave it my all. The most I have been able to achieve is two weeks. I’m currently at university and have two big exams coming up. I should’ve been studying over the Christmas holidays however I’ve spent all day every day binging, fapping and PMO’ing in my room. What a waste. I today realised I’ve hit rock bottom, I’m literally throwing my life away and blowing my chances for a successful future and will probably fail my exams. However I made a big step today and I emailed a local sex addicts anonymous support group. I realised I’ve kept my addiction to porn a secret and that’s one area I’ve gone very wrong with recovering.

even though I’m on day one today, I feel very optimistic and want to give this reboot a serious go this time round. The first goal is to go to a meeting, and get to 21 days ,which will be my longest streak in years.
If anyone on here has been to a sex addicts meeting, and tips and info will be really helpful and if it worked for you?


One of the things that made me stop going to SAA was that they follow a twelve-step plan (like AA), and step two, I think, requires you to submit to a higher power. As an atheist, I had a problem with that, so I stopped going. Someone told me that it doesn’t have to be god that you submit to, which was good advise, but I didn’t have a “higher power” that I believed in in the abstract, or a strong-enough reason. So I stopped going. My son was born two months ago, and now I understand the higher power substitute advise. At any rate, something to keep in mind in case you have a non-religious leaning like me. Best of lucks!
Thanks for the post weetakker, funnily enough it’s that exact same reason that has stopped me from joining in the past. I’m not religious either and find it hard to relate this struggle/addiction to a god or higher power. However like you said , I’m gonna try relate it more to the higher power thing as I do believe in things like fate and the whole “things happen for a reason thing”. I’ve read some of you’re posts and relate to so much of what you have said ! Especially childhood stuff. I’m trying to make this my most conscious attempt to and will try anything this time around, so I’ll at least attend one meeting and go from there. Which is a huge step for me as I’ve never shared to other people about my addiction, other than on here. Thanks again and congratulations on becoming a dad !
Day 1 and 2

Yesterday was day one off really giving nofap/nopmo another go. I’ve had streaks in the past, however I would be on my phone all day or binge watch YouTube and tv and eat junk food, and then wonder how I relapsed. I feel really stupid but it’s only just clicked how everything is linked. I’m so addicted that’ll I’ll get triggered by anyone good looking on tv, even adverts, then that will lead me to Google images or insta accounts and then few hours later back to looking up P, but I don’t even realise these innocent adverts or tv programmes are causing a trigger, and the junk food doesn’t help too. So yesterday I went for a run, worked out, drank loads of water watched hardly any tv, deleted all my social media accounts and went to bed at 10pm and left my phone in another room. I’ve gone through one of my worst ever ( and that’s saying a lot) P binges recently, I’m talking 10/12 days a every day for about 3 weeks, and binging tv and internet inbetween and living only on takeaways and junk food. And it’s fucked my sleep pattern, staying up until 5am some nights and waking up at 2pm next day. I really feel disgusted by this. So made the decision to force myself back into a normal sleep pattern. Easier said then done. I felt like a drug addict last night which in a way I am, I was wriggling everywhere couldn’t stop moving I felt like my skin was crawling. My mind was racing and trying to find ways to convince me to bring my phone back to my room to look at YouTube or other stuff , telling me it will help me sleep. I thought of the urges, but was so fucking tough, I think I fell asleep around 12:30 am which is good for me, earliest night sleep in months and months.

Day 2

Woke up at 6:30 am and was so shocked but so pleased I’d done it. Felt like I’ve finally done something positive with my time. Although had a bit of headache, guess it’s a withdrawal thing. Sat in bed hardly on my phone, other than to come on here and read threads , had a coffee and vaped, and felt good. Got out of bed half 7 and drove down the beach for a run. And planned to do a whole day of studying for my exams, which I have done practically no studying for. However I came back to my car and it wouldn’t start. I can’t call breakdown as my MOT is overdue so technically driving illegally. But this is how scattered my brain is, I put everything off and avoid things, I get anxiety about even taking my car to a garage. I do have a battery pack jump starter so don’t even need another car to jump start it, but I stupidly left the power on, so it’s drained. As I sat in my car I started feeling triggered and stressed. But I quickly noticed it and calmed myself down, which is something I can’t normally do. I walked home, cracked on with studying I did about 8 hours. Then walked back to the car this evening, picked up the battery pack and walked back home and charged it. I’ll go back down tomorrow evening after uni and jump start it. It’s not ideal but telling myself to not get worked up or upset, because as soon as I get upset I want my security blanket back and to burry all my problems and anxiety with P, fapping and pmoing.

although today has been ok, found myself thinking about P a few times but quickly tried to think of other things instead. I had a thought today of just how disgusting my behaviour has been and thought in way I’m like Gollum in lord of the rings, which is true , he’s this dirty troll that is obsessed with a ring and spends all his time alone in a cave, but my case it’s P and in my bedroom. Kinda made me laugh though and reflect on how dirty my habits are. I’m trying to not wallow in self pity this time round in my reboot which is something I’ve done in every other reboot and think it definitely added to the relapses. Got my exam in two days, super nervous, pretty sure gonna fail as been too addicted to porn this semester to learn anything and attention span and memory is zero. But it’s weird I’m not actually too upset, like if I fail I’m gonna try use it as a learning curve and a reason why I can’t fail another reboot as it’ll fuck up univeristy for me and make my life worse.

Moving forward goals this week is to:
Reach day7 nofap/nopmo
Get into healthy sleep pattern
Go for regular runs
Cut down on tv and phone time
Not watch any triggering tv, try watch documentaries
And take my car to the garage (really fucking stupid but probably my biggest step this week)
Focus on attention span and studying

going to try to post something everyday, like a journal for first few weeks. Think it helps to get my thoughts out of my head and prevent relapse.
now gonna try another early night sleep and hopefully not feel like a drug addict again.
Day 3 - strange day

So I tried another early night, but no success, it’s like I’m exhausted all day but as soon as I’m in bed I’m wide awake and literally crawling the walls. Got to sleep about 2:30 am had to wake up at 5:45 to get a train to uni because my stupid fucking car won’t start. I abused the snooze left it until last minute to get out of bed, had ten mins to dress brush my teeth grab my stuff and go. I really hate not showering every day, it’s a something I’m working as sometimes didn’t shower regularly during my PMO binges and don’t want to be that loser any more.

felt like a zombie on the train, which is good because P or MO didn’t really cross my mind if at all. Only had a two hour lecture this morning and it was an infection prevention one and didn’t require any interaction which was great as attention span still zero. I saw all the other students of my class, which was awkward, not really made any mates at uni which is fine, as mainly there to study, but can set off triggers for. Me. Tbh I totally get it I wouldn’t want to be mates with current me , I’m socially awkward as fuck I probably come across as weirdo to them, but I managed to calm down my inner voices, and not let it bother me that much that no was really talking to me. I do feel invisible in society but I think that’s because P has completely changed me even my body language and eye contact. Then studied for good 6 hours got train home , went to my car to go jump start it and I stupidly put the jump start on the wrong way and blew the battery, of cause stress and triggers came back but managed to press them down, which I’m seeing as win. I can’t believe how scatty my brain has become, I never used to be like that but in last year I’ve become clumsy and forgetful and struggle doing simple tasks. Normally if anything went bad in my day even something tiny I would see it as excuse to go to P and say things to myself like what’s the point might as well Fapp since nothing else in my life is going right, but didn’t do that today. The car as been causing me so much trouble and will cost loads to fix, so messaged local scrap yard and thought fuck it, which again is not like me as I put everything of until last minute and will hopefully have this car out of my life in a few days so one less thing that can cause me any triggers.

other things today, when walking home I had this crazy wave of sadness just come over me and felt like I could burst into tears, had to really fight it back, was such a strange feeling. Then after 5 mins the feeling went and felt fine. I haven’t ever felt that , feeling that sad for no reason at all. I’ve been so numb for so long, I’m guessing it’s part of the withdrawal but I never had that on the other reboots. But again trying to not wallow in this reboot so I’m actually seeing it as a positive. P has popped into my head a few times today but tried to push it out each time. Another win was I saw someone really really good looking was standing next to me at the train station. And it triggered me straight away, was really bizzare I started comparing them to porn stars in my head, so I walked further down the train station so they were no longer in my eye sight and couldn’t stare and lust over them in a disgusting way. I also had feelings of resentment today quite a few times mainly about my childhood and my parents and how a lot of my experiences have lead to this, but tried to push them thoughts out my head each time so they only lasted a few minutes each time. I will write a journal on here about my childhood and parents and failed relationships etc as think it can really help to reflect on the past and how it lead to being a P and a sex addict. however personally for me I think this early for me in the reboot to delve into the past would just trigger me to feeling too sad and then relapse. So for a few days at least just gonna do a daily journal and see if that helps.

so overall weird day, ups, downs one minute happy then really sad, but seeing it all as signs that this reboot is finally doing something to my scattered brain that the other reboots couldn’t, I think not binging tv or being on my phone constantly has also helped.

anyways gonna try sleep (empathise on the try) got the exam tomorrow , and it’s a physical exam so it’s in person with a patient and an examiner ( I’m doing a medical degree, probably the worst fucking degree to be doing right now) so really nervous I’m gonna just freeze or not know the answers and look like a complete idiot as didn’t study and just binged P for ages but gonna try be positive and not let it trigger me.
Thanks @searching4good, just read some of you’re posts hope you’re reboot is going well! And deffo relate to the comments you’ve said about sleep, something I’m struggling with atm and seems to make all the difference during a reboot hope your sleep pattern gets back to normal soon, keep at man.
Day 4

so had another awful night sleep , got just under 4 hours and have felt a mixture of wired, anxious and zombie like all day. Kept hitting the snooze again so only had 15 mins to rush and get ready again. So felt bit dirty at moneys throughout the day. Exam was today and it went as badly as I thought it might, I kept stuttering, was extremely anxious couldn’t give much eye contact to the examiner and only knew two of the answers to the questions. So pretty sure I failed. During the exam I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. However after the exam I felt fine and still feel about it now, and hasn’t really bothered me. of course I would rather I did well but deffo seeing this exam fail as a side effect of my addiction and it’s to be expected I’m only day 4 of reboot and only studied for 3 days. If I’ve failed I’m allowed to resit the exam in august, so I’m seeing it as another motivation to keep rebooting as I’ll have almost 7 months to revise and if I’m still rebooting successfully in 7 months I’m certain I’ll pass this time and not be such a wreck. I only get one more chance at retaking the exam if I fail that I don’t get to go onto second year at university so that’s also major motivation. I want to turn up to the exam room in 7 months time and ace the exam and have the examiners think wow who’s this guy he’s good.

other wise P crossed my mind much more today, caught myself fantasising over P stars I used to like. Had refocus my mind a few times until it eventually passed. This gonna sound fucked up but at times during really bad binges and relapses I’ve not wanted to change and actually kind of liked being addicted to porn as I felt comfort in the porn stars like they were familiar and apart of my life and like friends almost and preferred them to other people in my life. Which is really messed up, but I couldn’t separate that it’s not real and it’s not real sex. I cringe about how I used to feel about P stars now.

positives Are I have had moments today of not feeling anxious or numb and felt kind of ok. I’m sure there’ll be many more moments of anxiety coming up but have to remind my self that the temporary anxiety is temporary and will ease.

think im in for another bad night of sleep I currently feel wide awake despite having 3 awful nights sleep in a row. Meeting a mate tomorrow for lunch which will be good however but nervous as gonna tell her tomorrow that for her birthday night out next week that I won’t be drinking. Im sure she won’t be pleased and I really don’t have the courage to tell her about my addiction I fear she’ll view me differently , Im Dr Jekyll and hide, I show a different self to my family and friends they have no idea about the type of P I’ve watched or fetishes I’ve tried or hook up apps I’ve used and seedy one night hook ups that have been awful. But drinking has made me relapse more than I can count, so really don’t want to drink for a while not at least until around 90-120 days mark just really hard to avoid drinking in social situations. Gonna have to think of some excuse to give her tomorrow and lie. I don’t want to lie to my family and friends anymore but not brave enough yet to admit everything. I’ve lied to family and friends countless times about why I can’t attend things because I chose to stay at home and have P binges instead, so I deffo want to go still and change my habits and get back out in the world but just not drink. If any one has any tips about drinking and rebooting that would be great. Time for early night sleep attempt number 4 🙄
Day 5

So didn’t get the early night sleep I really needed last night. Worst night yet, only had 4 hours, and didn’t get to sleep until 4:30 am. I’ve had mild insomnia for quite a few years now due to the PMOing but nothing like this. This is a new level. I’m trying to be positive as much as possible during this reboot so just seeing the insomnia as sign it’s working and it will soon pass. I feel like I need to take the biggest sleep of my live but my brain just won’t let me.

besides from that I’ve generally had a really productive day. Sold the car, went for long walk down the beach, meet my mate for lunch and got lots of life admin stuff done. Felt happy throughout the day and not so numb, first time in years I’ve not felt numbness. And the brain fog is clearing . Which is really good. Bought some over the counter sleeping tablets , they’re nothing to strong and think mainly herbal but hopefully they’ll work, so I’m putting steps in to over come the problems. Which is something I never normally do. Also was watching tv earlier and a sex scene come on during the show I was watching, was pretty innocent and didn’t show any private parts, but still I know this would be massive trigger so turned over straight away which I feel really proud of, thoughts of P popped in my head straight away , but I pushed them down.

Even though trying to be positive I still want to reflect on the negatives and be aware of them but just not let them cripple me like I normally do. Negatives of today are, killed me waking up this morning and felt really grumpy for first hour of the day and unmotivated, but it did pass. Also saw lots of couples as walking down the beach which did make me feel bit lonely. Not been in a serious relationship for 7 years, and made me think of my failed ones and the awful sexual encounters I’ve had over the years. But I know P ruined my chances at relationships and if I carry on rebooting I can hopefully have the chance of walking down the beach with a partner one day but if I carry on watching P there’s a good chance it will never happen. To be honest I wouldn’t want to date me either with how I am at the moment so why would anyone else. I want to work on myself, make self the best version I can be and then hopefully I’ll one day be dateable. Other negative is my let’s say my “private part” down stairs is completely shrivelled up it looks horrible. I caught a glimpse of it in mirror today and never seen it look like that, it looks lifeless and tiny like a fucking walnut . Didn’t want to look at it too long, I don’t think I’m in flatline yet I’m guessing by looking at my member that I could soon be reaching flatline, read a lot of threads on here and a lot peoples flatlines seem to happen from around day 7, so it’s just around the corner. Gonna try attempt number five of a decent night sleep I’d even settle for 6 hours at this point.
Day 6

I’ll keep this posh shorter than the others ! Finally got a decent night sleep got 8 hours !! 😄 felt really good waking up this morning. I connected with people for this first time at uni today since I started in September 2022. They even invited me for a beer in the university bar after lectures. I only stayed for one as dont want to drink much during this reboot but was really nice to be included and mix with people. Overall been a good day with only a few down sides.

Good night sleep.
Woke up at a reasonable time today.
Productive day.
Interacted with others more.
Took care in my appearance and hygiene today.
Ate healthily and drank lots of water.
Writing this journey.
And above all reached day number six ✅


Still feel tired a lot throughout the day , despite catching up on sleep.
Attention span still zero.
P popped in my head a few times still.
Penis is still lifeless.
Still have some feelings of anxiety and loneliness.

Gonna have a read through some threads on here then go to bed. To everyone posting on here its helping me loads to know others have similar stories and experiences to mine, so thanks to everyone for sharing their reboot journeys, hang in there guys!!. Even if we keep relapsing before we finally succeed at least we’re on the right track by keep trying.
Day 7

overall today as been ok, I’ve been a bit unproductive, should’ve been studying all day for next test on Monday but just couldn’t focus much today, I did try sit at my desk but just couldn’t concentrate , my attention span has been so fucked over from all the binges over the last couple of years. Thinking back to it last year was probably my worst year of addiction , pmo was at least 2-3 times a day longest reboot was 14 days but I did edge a few times during that reboot. So this is my longest proper attempemt in years so think my brain is really rewiring this time. Woke up this morning and two separate dreams, which I remembered as waking up, one was of two random people having sex, was strange I wasn’t even in the dream and didn’t know these people and it wasn’t any P stars I used to fantasise about. The other was of an ex of mine, Who dumped me 7 years ago but was one of the reasons for plunging very deep into my addiction and pmo’ing (I was addicted before the relationship but got much worse after break up). When we broke up I didn’t have anything from holding me back so went from Pmo once or twice a week to daily, as a way to numb the break up, and other past traumas. So didn’t feel too great having memories pop into my head. But I guess that’s what P addiction does to you it makes you block out the past and bad memories and not face them. But doing nofap/nopmo brings those all back and you have to deal with them. I Felt flat a lot of the day but did have moments of feeling upbeat. I think the flatline is lurking around the corner. But I am happy I’ve reached 7 days and I’ve barely touched my junk unless peeing, which is a milestone in itself . So just need to keep going onwards and upwards and hopefully motivation and attention span will come back.
Day 28

Quick update

Since I last posted on here in January I relapsed and fell into a really bad binge of pmo for a couple of months. I always think I’ve hit rock bottom but always find there’s more levels of rock bottom than I thought. It was all a bit of a vicious cycle, pmo was making me fail at uni but I would use again because I was failing at uni and feeling low about it. I failed my first lot of exams in January, and have to resist them this summer, all my own fault because I didn’t study and did massive pmo binges. So after failing the exams we started our next term and subjects at uni, and started revising for the next lot of exams. We had 3 weeks of holiday in April to study for these next exams. What did I do ? Study ? Nope I binged ! Big time ! Like sometimes 8/9 times a day, one day was about 15 times. I became a zombie and the depression was worse than ever. The day after I binged 15 times I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. I felt like a drug addict, I was physical weak like could bearly move and felt terrified to leave the house. I had dangerous thoughts and realised how extremely fucked up I am and that if I don’t stop then this addiction would probably kill me. Anyways 27 days ago I realised I was going to fail the exams again if I Carried on this way and that I was ruining my life. I’m now on day 28 hardmode. I finished my final exams yesterday. I feel quite positive , I know I my not pass them as I’m still behind with my learning but feel positive that I gave it a good go this time round and being pmo free would’ve definitely helped and I know I’ve done better than I did with the last exams. Studying for the last month has been extremely intense, studied for 4 exams and an essay. This was good as it was a major distraction and had so much learning to try and catch up on. I had hyper focus and spent pretty much all day every day in the library. However, the exams are now over and I’ve found myself with a lot of free time.
I now know free time is a major trigger for me. And having nothing intense to focus on could be dangerous. Boredom and loneliness is another big trigger. So I’ve decided to come back on here and post regularly. I’m also now going to focus on other areas of my life I can improve on such as fitness and mental health. Although I do feel better and concentration has improved, I still feel anxious and lonely etc and I suspect that’s because I still eat a lot of junk food and don’t exercise.
So onwards and upwards, I’m happy I’ve reached day 28, next goal is day 30 which would be longest ever streak in over a decade. I’m going to go for a run and a workout today and have arranged to see friends for the next few days to help distract me. Any tips on keeping busy would be good 👍


Congratulations both on turning things around for a personal best...and for knowing when you need additional support. Exercise seems to be the most helpful in your situation, but daily meditation helps strengthen executive control too. Socializing is great too, so it's good you're doing that already. 💪
Thanks for the message and support Androg, I’m gonna start trying some meditation soon, I think it could be a good way to calm down those inner voices lol
Day 29

overall a good day, done my first workout in a long time, have eaten healthy day and meal prepped for next the 7 days. Pmo urges still occur several times throughout the day, so I don’t think I’ve hit the dreaded flatline yet. Think that’s normal though as my pmo binges have been so bad over the years that the flatline might take a little bit longer to kick in. Some of the triggers were when I was running down the beach, which is hard trigger to avoid with it being summer and everyone wearing less. Although have decided I might start going for early morning runs down the beach instead, to avoid as many triggers as possible. Also looking forward to tomorrow and having another day of being healthy and productive, which is a feeling I’ve not had in years 😄.
Day 30

reached my first big milestone of 30 days 🥳🥳, my personal best, and feel very proud of this. next big milestone will be 60 days, however setting little ones too. So next little milestone will be 40 days nopmo hardmode. Mainly highs today with a few lows. Went for early morning run, did a work out and ate healthily all day. Did have feelings of loneliness and boredom today, tried to spontaneously meet up with friends and family but everyone was busy , so had to fight the pmo urges a bit today. Felt good though that I didn’t cave in despite having quite a few thoughts about pmo and P in general.

Weighed myself today, something I’ve put of for a while, sucked a bit seeing how much weight I’ve put on in the last few years but had to be done so can focus on getting in shape, which is a major goal of mine for this nopmo reboot. I’ve really let myself go which I believe is a result of my extreme pmoing for the last five years. When I was pmoing it kind of acted like a mask, masking all my problems. Because when I was doing pmo it made me numb like a zombie and meant I didn’t have to face any of my problems. Plus I’m a bit of a binger in general, and would binge eat after I fapped/pmo.

Anyways going to try and have another day of working out and eating healthy tomorrow, I can see what I want my future self to look like, I just need to put in the hard work 😮‍💨.