Unusual circumstances - Same Result - My Journal

[Beachy]

I became the caregiver of my sick wife a few years back. Up until then I'd been a regular porn user but at that time my porn use went into overdrive. I couldn't sleep so I used to PMO to help me sleep. The issues became so bad that I'd PMO twice a night, PMO once before bed and once in the middle of the night. I then started watching porn during the day and...you get the idea.
TOO much Porn, too little sleep, more porn, PIED. The PIED became so bad I couldn't get an erection without porn, in the end I only had half an erection when I masturbated. When I couldn't get erect with my wife I got so embarrassed that I gave up porn instantly. Only PMOed once in 10 months. But unfortunately severe ED remains.
My wife and I are now separated due to complications from her illness (she had an affair while I was her carer) and I've struggled through a few relationships and have climaxed once only without a pill. With cialis I have made it there a few times but it's so frustrating.
So here I am on day 1 of my reboot. I'm single again after stepping away from my girlfriend to do this. I can't do it with her as I know I'll just take pills to keep her happy. Let's see how we go.

Day 0: Tried to have sex but failed miserably. I apologised to my girlfriend and said I'll call in a few months when I get my sh*t together. I finally have the motivation to do a reboot.
Day 1: Planning the next few months. Gym, mountain biking, lindy hop dance classes (haha, you've got to try new things) bronze medallion to become surf life saver at our local club. I'm going to make the next few months really challenging and fun!
Day 3: This is probably easier for me than most on this forum as I'm already off P and M. I'm just stopping O altogether to get rid of the ED. I'm simply organising activities every night to prevent me calling girls I know will end up sleeping with me. This is my challenge. For some reason the planets are aligning as two of those girls become unavailable in the last 2 days (I did text them for dates mind you). It's as though the world understands what needs to happen and is helping me out. I'm also focusing on exercising like a mofo.
Day 7: Still look at girls and still want to have sex with them so no flatline yet. I get feeling downstairs that says go get em tiger but I know if I did that I couldn't get erection so that's no use is it. So one week down and lots more to go
Day 11: Had some temptation and was helped by some advice by icanbeatthis. Feeling fortified by the knowledge that I'd be guaranteed 100% regret if I do give in to temptation. This forum rocks. So the choice is now easy - take the hard route to stay the course and live a long life in the future without ED
Day 14: Flatline is in with a vengeance. Where I was fantasising about everyone I met a few days ago, today they can walk safe from my thoughts. Not a pleasant feeling I gotta say but it makes this process easier in a way, no fear of fapping now.
Day14b: OK, something weird happened. Ex wife came over and jumped into bed with me. Second O I've had in 12 months without a pill and this after I posted this morning about how if a girll jumped into bed with me they'd be safe. I'm counting it as a positive as it was as far away from porn sex as is humanly possible. Wasn't fully hard but still got there.
Day 23: Over 3 weeks through and it is getting easier. The only issue I have is regular fantasies that just pop into my head. It usually takes me a few minutes to work out I'm fantasizing and then stop. I often find myself fantasising again a few minutes later and have to stop it again. Happens every morning when I wake up and various times during the day. They're not porn fantasies but are very distracting.
Day 27: Still no major issues although temptation to MO is getting stronger. I'm going through marriage separation and the temptation is strongest when times get stressful or when I'm lonely. Still, I'm seeing improvements so what the hell, onwards we go.
Day 36: Seeing definite progress. Had sex with ex a few days ago. Woo hoo, no cialis required and I came. I feel more settled, less anxious and now quietly hopeful the ED will pass. I've got another 5 weeks now with no hope of sex unless I go searching (it came to me a few days ago) so my plan is to go the 5 weeks and reassess.

 

[Beachy]

As I mentioned earlier my circumstances are unusual in that I was addicted to porn, stopped watching it 10 months ago but continued having sex with the help of pills, which was successful some of the time. Sex without pills just means no erection at all or not for very long. I also can't get fully erect masturbating.

I'm now on day 5 of no sex/orgasm, which I know isn't long but given I'm off porn for so long I guess I've had some healing and I wanted to check if others experience what I am. I see a gorgeous girl and get this amazing buzz around my crotch. Feels great. But there's no penis movement at all. It is the same feeling when I want to have sex. The sensation is down there, it wants to do something, except my penis doesn't. Does anyone else get this sensation?

 

[olafthewise]

quick correction, that's caretaker.

 

[little179]

Enjoy the feeling mate! I had issues with Ed so bad even looking at porn wouldn't give me a hard on....I would still mo though and thought  what a fkin waste of time that was.  It will get better. I am 4 monts pmo free....no porn at all . I.still have wandering thoughts but. Also need to curb my dangerous nude beach activities.  But getting better.  Hang in there,mate

 

[Beachy]

I had same problem Little179. In the end PMO with half a hard on and the smallest O that was hardly worth it. Your nude beach activities do sound like they might set you back but we all do it our own way. Good luck.

 

[Beachy]

Damn it, still going strong but temptation is everywhere. I had a coffee with a friend who said she liked me a lot. I told her that her timing was off and she'd need to wait another couple of months. It helps to know that I'd just embarrass myself with my ED if we did get together anyway. We both agreed to keep going out and just flirt heaps, which from what I've read on this site does help reprogram the brain given she's real and not pixels. Not sure if it's true but I'm going with it. Any thoughts??

I'm glad that despite the temptations I'm still staying strong to my goals. This site helps a lot so thanks everyone.

 

[little179]

Temptations will always be there for the likes of us! We just have to think about what we lose by giving in to those temptations....

Have a read of this maybe

1) MOST IMPORTANT REALIZATION
   
            We are only young for a short period of time! LIVE A GREAT AWESOME LIFE !
                YOUTH IS FLEETING, If you haven't noticed by now, time runs FAST! Man it really does!

                  THE TIME IS NOW! WHEN WE GET OLDER LET THERE BE NO REGRET
                      REALLY THE SADDEST OF ALL EMOTIONS!
                        LIVE FULLY CONFIDENTLY PURELY , BE DISCIPLINED, FIGHT FOR GOOD,
                            DENY THE BAD, BE FOREVER WATCHFUL , BE VICTORIOUS , BE FREE, PURE,
                              HEALTHY, BRIGHT AND LOVE ALL THAT IS GOOD!




2)THE FOUNDATIONAL QUESTION:

HOW BAD IS IT TO RELAPSE JUST 1 MORE TIME?

OUR MINDS WORK VERY SUBTLY: "Ah, I'll just do it this time.. I've done it many times before,
this is just 1 more.. let me just do it now, and sometime later I will really stop.. etc.. "
     
      SO , 1 RELAPSE.
      Can't be that bad right?
      Just 1 RELAPSE. What is it?

        1 RELAPSE = creates a spiral of 1 relapses , where you can not stop! Because you always justify it as just 1 relapse
        1 RELAPSE = CAN LEAD TO YEARS OF ADDITIONAL STRUGGLE! 1 relapse is not just 1 relapse.  IT CAN WASTE YOU YEARS!
        1 RELAPSE = it destroys much of your progress. It is wasting time. it will take weeks or months to get back to that level.
                          And it will happen again and again. Time is the most precious thing you got!!!! AND IT IS LIMITED!!!!

                            TIME IS THE KEY! IT RUNS FAST!
                            1 relapse is all it takes to waste years repeating the same mistake..
                        Let's say our best years are from 18 - 35 (in terms of energy, dating, life excitement, building character...)
                      So many men flush all of their best years down the toilet! Don't "ENJOY STUPIDLY" YOU ARE DIGGING A HOLE! STOP!
                   
          TREASURE YOUR LIFE! TREASURE YOUR TIME!
      1 RELAPSE = What this is all about. Just take care of that 1! DO NOT DO IT! 



3) RULES TO OBEY


1)  CURIOSITY IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE ACTED UPON!
"Let me look just a little" is NOT ALLOWED!
Practicing this will make your mind stop being curious automatically
after you've successfully done it a couple of times.

NEVER DO ANY CLICK ON YOUR COMPUTER THAT IS IN THE DIRECTION OF LUST.
The little clicks of curious wondering are deadly. Don't! Just ignore your curiosity. Let it go.


2) When you feel LUST / TEMPTATION TO PMO IMMEDIATELY DENY IT! SAY NO! 
Say it with POWER! Imagine  throwing that lustful ugly feelings out.
You will never beat porn if you don't do the difficult!  Deny it!
This is YOU, YOUR LIFE, wake up! Be STRONG!

And THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT ALL OF THIS IS, WITH GOING AGAINST YOUR SELF AGAINST
"BAD DESIRES" AND CHOOSING BETTER THINGS, YOU WILL CHANGE YOURSELF A LITTLE BIT.

YOU WILL BECOME ONE DEGREE MORE OF WHO YOU WANT TO BE.
In time you change so much, PMO is the furthest thing from your mind.



3) CATCH THE TEMPTATION EARLY! IMMEDIATELY!! GET INTO A NEW MIND-STATE
THIS ONE IS SOOOO IMPORTANT. If you are too late,  porn will overpower you.
The urges will build , DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. RE-FOCUS your thoughts. RE-EVALUATE your life plan.
GO OUTSIDE. A walk, or jogging or prayer or cold shower or call a friend etc. Wash "bad thoughts" off of you.



4.) DONT JUSTIFY DOING IT.
If you decided to not do that, don't do it. NO JUSTIFYING! EVER! If you
fail there is 100% chance of regret.  There is no one final time to do it. There is no comparing yourself to
others.. there is no this temptation is too strong .. NOTHING! JUST DON'T DO IT.

This one is soooo snekay. Your mind will tell you well you can start this no porn thing at some other time again..
And many other tricks. Really just become aware of your thoughts and feelings and realize you are often
subconscioulsy JUSTIFYING things you WANT but logically know that are BAD.



5)  FORGET AND IGNORE WHAT YOU ARE FIGHTING AGAINST, WHEN THERE IS NO TEMPTATION
JUST LIKE IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN ADDICTION TO HARD DRUGS. YOU WONT REALLY BE THINKING ABOUT THEM TOO MUCH.
BUT THERE ARE STRONG DECISIONS INSIDE OF YOU THAT YOU KNOW YOU WON'T DO THEM IF YOU EVER HAD THE CHANCE.

IGNORE THE BAD. REDIRECT YOUR THOUGHTS. If case of dreams and images and thoughts
hitting us , do not dwell on them, but simply sort of push them aside and ignore them.
Immediately take a deep breath and direct your attention elsewhere.


6) READ YOUR LIST OF RULES REGULARLY!
READ AND RE-READ AND RECOMMIT TO THE PROCESS! Internalize the "rules".




4)

BONUS TIPS:


REMEMBER YOUR PAST. REMEMBER WHAT FAILURE DOES! HOW BAD YOU FELT! WRITE IT DOWN!
We are so quick to forget! Please do that! Don't be reminded at a relapse. Be forewarned.

One of the problems is , in the heated moments you may not want porn lust to leave you.
And if you wait, the feeling will overwhelm you and you will be powerless. The only way is to SAY NO EARLY EARLY EALRY!!!
And it helps to say NO if you know WHY you have to say NO. This is it. Have the reasons in your mind.
Once the temptation hits, they will not be found in your head, unless you have them prepared in advance.


WHEN THE URGES HIT,  THINK ONLY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOU RELAPSE
  YOU ARE LOST AND DEFEATED
AND YOU LOSE POWER , LOSE CONFIDENCE ETC.

SO CHANGE IT!  1 HOUR later, you'll be smiling and be happy that you did not relapse.

Don't look back 5 years from now in utter defeat.  DON'T DO IT. That is the only key to success. DO NOT DO IT.


RECORD YOUR BENEFITS OF SUCCESS
There will be many.


NO EXCUSES! You are choosing between REGRET and VICTORY!

You can do it.
But all the past experiences have brainwashed us into thinking
it's harder than it actually is. We remember failing, but don't remember
that we could easily have chosen not to do it. This is 100% in your control.

HAVE CONFIDENCE

 

[Beachy]

Thanks brother, that's a powerful read. I particularly like:

4.) DONT JUSTIFY DOING IT.
If you decided to not do that, don't do it. NO JUSTIFYING! EVER! If you fail there is 100% chance of regret.

100% chance of regret is absolutely right and this will be my guide from now on. What a loss of potential it would be to give into temptation and continue with this wasted life. It's a question of priorities. Do I want to choose an easy option of giving into something I know will harm in the long run and live with the guaranteed regret OR choose the difficult option and enjoy the rest of my life without the blight of ED.

Thanks again icanbeatthis!!

 

[lyon03]

Holy sh*t that's a powerful post from icanbeatthis! Well said brother. I'm early in the recovery process but may have a helpful suggestion. Stop obsessing about your dick. Heal your mind, heart, and soul. No one is going to be talking about your d*ck at your funeral but they will talk about what kind of man you were. Focus on being a better human being, and your junk will follow. If all you think about is your ED, then you're eventually going to want to test the equipment, and PMO are too closely linked in early recovery to start jacking off. So get your mind off your willy and think about your long-term goals: health; career; love. No one ever said, 'Until dick do us part' at the wedding altar. Stay strong brother. We'll all get through this together. 

 

[maledictis]

        Hey! gOOD REading. Yeah you're doing the right thing. Havent pmo in 3 months now and 'm not sorry for all the hours of watching other people getting paied to perform sexully i've missed. Still there is the temptation for just a one... After all this time it would be explosive! Fantastic! .... No it wouldn''t. In the first five minutes i'd get a big adrenaline rush, i'd turn red flusshed and my heart would start pumping really hard and heavy, i'd be quite  aroused by anything i'd see. Then it would start to numb. Within 30 minutes i'd be where i was 3 months ago. Angry, fed up with it all, looking for an exiting clip and finding none (it's never enough), and , at last but not least, WANTING TO STOP AND NOT BEING ABLE TO. So no, i havent missed anything in this time. More i'm finding myself more loving and interested in love between people. I'm getting warmer. I had stopped beliving in love and goodness somewhere along the line. I'm starting to belive again.

 

[little179]

Great to read all your posts. i cannot take credit for what i posted, i found it near the beginning of my journey and thought it useful, i read it now and then to remind myself. I started this journey on 14 July this year and have been PMO free since then. I wont lie and say the temptations are all gone, they arent. But they are managable now. I find that i am tempted every now and then. Yesterday I thought of going and cancelling my user name stuff on my old porn sites. I didnt do it because i know i would see somehting and be back to square one. I love my wife, my kids and myself too much to do that. Another thing i thought it what if my kids were standing behind me while i am online, what would i look at then........no question about that.
I have MO four times since 14 July, mostly recently for some reason. I know what it is, i havnt been here enough. Make this place your habit and addiction, i intent to ...........best wishes all. Thanks for your comments lyon, appreciate it. be strong people, when you think about it, i dont want to be ruled or judged by my c**k, but by who i am deep down. Life is too short, it aint a dress rehersal. When they are screwing the lid on the box we all end up in, i dont want to be thinking about whether i deleted my search history or will the family find my stash of filth, do you?

 

[Beachy]

Nice thoughts icanbeatthis. When I imagine what I could be, PMO, MO or PIED doesn't rate a mention (who would of thought) so it's good to focusing on the things that do. Kids, friends and greater family are everything to me.

 

[Beachy]

Well someone came last night and stole my libido. Flatline in with a vengeance. In a way it makes the process easier as temptation feels irrelevant now. I reckon a glorious girl could jump in bed with me and be safe right now.

 

[lyon03]

Enjoy the flatline brother. It's your body cleansing/healing. This isn't a simple, painless solution. It took me years to develop my terrible addiction, and just 30 days to rebound (I'm 42). While my flatline lasted just a few days, I feel for younger guys who experience weeks and months of flatline. Be strong and keep posting. We're all here with you.

 

[Beachy]

Bizarre thing happened the night I posted about the start of a flatline. I said that it wouldn't matter if a gorgeous girl came over because they'd still be safe. Well my ex wife came over that night and jumped in bed, wtf, and for the second time in a year I was able to perform, although only just. Not fully erect. I'm counting it as a positive as I didn't take any pills and it was tender and un-pornlike. Still, I'm back on the wagon now. Small chaser effect afterwards but not too bad.

One thing that did happen though, my O wanted to arrive almost immediately which is very unlike me. I've been doing a lot of kegals so I might back off on those.

 

[lyon03]

You're a beast! That's terrific. Funny how you get your confidence/mojo back and the ex comes calling. I'm sure you rocked it, now just don't rock your c*ck solo in front of a screen. Thanks for sharing and stay strong!

 

[Beachy]

Day 18 and weird stuff continues to happen. I have barely looked at porn (twice during particularly bad days during marriage separation) and yesterday I kept getting urges to go and have a look. Didn't feel like MO, just to look at porn.  I thought I was over this crap but apparently not. Anyway, I stayed strong and off we go into another day!

 

[lyon03]

Well done. Now hit the gym and make your body so irresistible your ex-wife will be begging to take you back!!! I enjoy your posts. We're in this together and I'm rooting for you brother. Stay strong. 

 

[Beachy]

Cheers Lyon. Was in gym 6:30AM this morning and off on mountain bike weekend tomorrow so I'm fitter than I've ever been. Taking dance lessons twice a week, life is good on many levels. Thanks heaps for your support.

 

[lyon03]

Rocking body + dancer = angry ex wife. You're firing on all cylinders my friend. Stay strong. I'm off to the gym myself then lunch with a good friend. Life w/out porn is so much better. Cheers.