What will your 2 questions be?

[PMOVictory]

The other day I was thinking about this whole PMO thing.
Before I joined Reboot Nation, I thought to myself where will I get support in beating this PMO Monster!
No one talk about PMO out loud in real life, it is all secret... dirty... but so many guys are doing it!!!
And to my disbelieve even more than what I could even imagine...

So here I sit thinking by myself. Should there be someone out there, let's call him the world GURU on PMO with all the answers and solutions to beating the PMO Addiction... and he only grants me two (2) questions that he will answer to my satisfaction...

What would the two questions be...?

So I want to ask my fellow Rebooters, would you consider asking those questions in response to this post...
I'm curious to see what questions fellow rebooters struggle with.

We could even pretend that we are the GURU answering it...
What do you think...?
Are you up to the challenge?

 

[Poker]

My porn addiction (and adolescent self esteem issues) escalated into (or simply started out) as bondage and rape fantasies....  It has been reinforced over the years as "everybody's into something, that's just what you're into" (as long as its consensual between partners, its all good).

Q1.  Is it all good?  Once I get off the porn and I once again have a partner......  Should I abandon role playing fantasies I've had....  truly what seem to be the only fantasies I've ever had....  or can I pursue those fantasies in a healthy way with a willing partner?

Q2.  Should I tell the woman I love that I'm really trying this time, and to give me one more chance.....  or should I just let her go and try to make a new life for herself and be happy....  (Please don't try to answer this one, because you can't.....  I already have.  I don't deserve her, and she deserves to be happy.)

That is what I'd ask our imaginary guru.....

Cheers,

p.

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi Poker

Thanx for the great questions.

Nice to see the things that bother different people.

I hope that more will join in this question asking post!

Be Blessed!

 

[olafthewise]

answer to the question of, "is it all that good without porn?" Answer; yes. the pressure to sexually perform in odd ways disappears and sex is actually more exciting, you get to enjoy the woman for many reason and not just sexual ones. Your head clears up and you can think again. You can remember things again. You begin to get mad at porn producers and girls who wear overly provocative clothing. You do household chores and enjoy them. You sleep a deep sleep. Food and nature become vivid and beautiful. In essence, you can feel again.

 

[PMOVictory]

olafthewise

Thank you for the insight. It is so true what you have said!

Do you have any questions, even questions that you had before you started your reboot...?

 

[olafthewise]

Questions about stopping the viewing of porn?
Would sex with my wife get better?
I assumed sex with my wife would get better. It did not. 2014 has been one of the worst years in porn and stopping porn, for me, ever!
in 2000 I stopped for 9 months. Then before my other kids were born in 2003, I stopped for several months, but the boring infrequent sex with my wife prompted me again.
When I was first unemployed in 2009, the porn habit was sporadic, you know?-do it for a couple of days, then stop for a couple. In 2013, I put myself on a schedule of no weekends of porn. No daytime porn. Which limited me to weeknights until midnight, nothing after midnight. I was successful!
recently, in Spring 2014, I found a web site that mostly had no advertising on its pages. Just scrolling down one nude female pic after another.
So, again I had to limit this and in August, 2014, committed to stopping the viewing of porn altogether! The next stage was to eliminate any female searches including lingerie ads and actresses of any kind.
This year (March 2014), my wife was cursed with Vaginismus, which is pain during sex, meaning no penetration, none! I assume this was a curse of God, but He doesn't necessarily work that way. So my wife is 50 and gorgeous, but in the middle of quitting porn, I get no sexual reward, none. As a matter of fact, any "sex" we do is boring and at times leaves my poor parts, injured. She is a prude.
Bottom line, I get no reward for quitting an unhealthy habit/addiction of porn (soft porn in my case) viewing.
Life is reasonably good. I am a stay at home dad. I workout, run about 18 miles per week and am studying psychology for a Grad school degree. I am technically unemployed, but get welfare for my special needs kid, which helps us financially. I am, however, tormented by the fact that I am defined as a "long term unemployed" man in which my wife works. At my age and the length of time I have been out of work, I have a less than 10% chance of ever getting hired. Porn inoculated me like alcohol. There is no other way of comforting me in my situational depression. I have to stay off porn. There are no rewards. Except that porn offers additional problems like ADD, erectile dysfunction, and other brain and sex issues. In a sense, I am alone in this, my wife does not know of my recent addiction to porn. She is no help now. Being married to an unemployed man is NOT a turn-on, regardless of her positive words. And I cannot speak of any depression as it would make me look more UNconfident than my status already shows.
In my life now and my struggle as a man, I am alone.
Again does sex get better? in my case, no.

 

[challenged]

This year (March 2014), my wife was cursed with Vaginismus, which is pain during sex, meaning no penetration, none! I assume this was a curse of God, but He doesn't necessarily work that way.

This is not a curse of God.  We live in a fallen imperfect world, where there is sin, and sickness, and death.  None of this is his idea.  C'mon, dude, you know better.  Remember that our light and very temporary struggles in this life are earning us an eternal reward beyond our comprehension. (2 Cor. 4:17)

Bottom line, I get no reward for quitting an unhealthy habit/addiction of porn (soft porn in my case) viewing.

Again, not true.  You are just not getting the short term reward that YOU want in YOUR timing.  There will be blessings from stopping this addiction, although they might not be what you want when you want it.  This is what it means to have faith, and to trust.

Being married to an unemployed man is NOT a turn-on, regardless of her positive words.

We are not what we do or what we earn.  Many of us men think that way, but often our wives are much less shallow and more understanding that we think.  Don't let the lies of the world deceive you. You have got to demolish these strongholds (i.e. lies).  See 2 Cor. 10:4-5. 

But thank you for posting your comments.  These lies that you are telling yourself are often in the thoughts of many of us, or at the fringes of our thoughts.  When things are not going well, we think these things and come to believe them in our human nature.  When I see you post these things, I immediately know the proper response and what the thought process should be.  It is easier to tell others what to do.  So it is helping me to put up barriers to such destructive thoughts in my own life.

Blessings to you.

 

[olafthewise]

As I said in my last post, God does not necessarily "punish" people for repeated sin.
Also, there is no reward, for stopping sin, but really, there is inevitable disaster for some. These we can call "natural consequences."
Our world is in entropy or breaking down. As a fallen creature in a fallen world, we are destined for disaster. Sin entered the world and it is a mess.
On the subject of stopping the porn, I see how the daily exercises of house chores, cleaning, reading, watching my favorite sci fi DVD's, all contribute to a "maintenance" of not viewing porn.
Its all good. Just realize that the enemy is looking for a way to get you back.
My son (22) recently relapsed after 4 months of no drugs. He simply will not get away from people and places that do and sell drugs.

How about you guys? do you go to places that are porn triggers (non-porn marriage/sex psychology sites for instance) and keep clicking in the search until next thing you know, you're at a porn site!

I was doing that today (just information on how to be a better husband) and then suddenly the videos (u-tube) were getting racy and involved some unknown Spanish sexy dance! WTF? I just closed all the windows and went back to homework. Whew!!

 

[PMOVictory]

Thank you for all the posts.

Some interesting conversation going on. Perhaps some more guys/ladies want to join in the conversation.

Some interesting observations and statements by both challenged and olafthewise.

I'm proud of all your accomplishments and determination.

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[olafthewise]

Triggers can certainly be difficult! When in public, we see young women dressing provocatively, its a mystery why they do so. Attracting disrespectful males is not good.
I often am triggered by certain (thankfully rare) girls in the gym but for me, in the past, I was triggered by depressive things like concepts of successful people in successful careers for instance. I would dwell on this and consider my plight of unemployment and my wife working while I was not and I would later go to the porn material to "get an inoculation" to feel better. In the end I would burn several hours of porn viewing before continuing family responsibilities or sleep. 

 

[Gracie]

After some careful thought my two questions would be:

Why would my husband choose porn over me?  (beyond being the addict)

How could he not see how this affected our marriage?
(this is in reference to the withdrawl and the desire to have solitude)

 

[thimbuk2]

Great Post!!

My two questions are:

1) Will I find someone again? Someone to do things differently with? To be a good, honest, nurturing, attentive man?

2) Will my damn willy function again? So that I can feel at the very least adequate?

 

[Poker]

@Gracie...  He didn't chose it over you.  He thought he could fit both of you into his life...

Its hard to explain, but I'll try.  I like coffee. My decision to drink coffee was not me choosing coffee over my wife.  A lot of guys view porn like that. I can have a wife, drink coffee, and watch porn, and all is good.  That's how it starts...

  Thrown in the run of the mill problems most couples experience and the porn can soon become a crutch, and a lightning rod in a lot of marriages.

I know from your side of the equation, the decision doesn't look or feel like anything as simple as coffee.  But guys will think I'll just watch a few clips of this or that and don't understand the harm. (Or choose not to acknowledge it)

At least I didn't see it from my experience. 

Cheers,

p.

 

[PMOVictory]

Interesting to see all the different questions!

Thanx to everyone!

Please keep on bringing those questions. We are so diverse and receiving the questions are a reflection of just that.

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[Fappy]

Heres my two faps:

1. How do i shake the fear of not getting it up with my wife after having difficulties so much in the past? Another failed attempt at getting an erection with her would be the end.

2. She knows the above. How do i initiate sex with her in such a way that isnt a desperate attempt to prove my worth as a man? Everytime, shes like, well what if u cant get it up...?

 

[olafthewise]

Wow! erectile dysfunction!
if you are older than 40, which is where this post is, you have aging difficulties that cause erectile problems.
Other risks: obesity, sedentary life of no activity, too much porn and PMO, heart trouble and or blood pressure problems, medications (I was on an antidepressant once and it caused me to take a long time to ejaculate while having normal erections), The other problem could be too much excitement, movies, games...I m not a doctor.
As we have all been saying, weeks without PMO make your erections go back to normal.

cant vouch for much here. My former porn viewing was not to M, just view the pictures. My erections were relatively normal, but took longer to get it up.

 

[savingmysoul]

My two questions? - Simple

1)  Why couldnt I figure my addiction out on my own and save my wife the pain?

2)  Why couldnt I figure my addiction out on my own and save my wife the pain?

 

[olafthewise]

Why couldnt I figure my addiction out on my own and save my wife the pain?
like other chemical addictions, we just need help. Help comes in many forms. Wives often are no help, other times they are so valuable. Just like with drugs. My sister left her husband after discovering his alcoholism after 10 years of marriage! She knew of the alcoholism all of about a year! She is self righteous too.
remember, when your head clears after giving up PMO, you see the damage, and you have remorse, incredible remorse. Save what you can and move on to better health. Do not tell people of your recovery from porn (except here) just live out your life and show the love you got in many ways. They will see the stability and if we men all do this, there may be hope for the American male leader.