Taking a big step....I hope this works

[MaseJ]

Hi All,

This is quite painful to admit but I have a porn/masturbation addiction. This addiction is the result of childhood sexual abuse that occurred around 10-12 and it seems to have forever skewed how I view sex and pleasure. This led to watching porn online and masturbating just to subside the pain of what happened, the shame I was left with and feel some kind of sexual satisfaction. In order to feel any sexual pleasure I have to watch gay and straight porn which definitely causes so much confusion for me.

I am now 48 years old and this painful way of living feels so difficult to overcome. I cannot go a day without thinking about porn or masturbating. This has caused so much damage to my personal relationships and my own self image/self esteem. My brain feels like it's in a constant fog, which I have read is a by-product of the drug-like effects of the masturbation and the chemistry shift in my brain. I feel so much shame and not sure I can ever shake this.

So I am trying to improve my life and the first step is joining a support group online. I am really hoping this may help.

Am I the only one in this kind of situaiton?

 

[Daybyday1988]

i doubt it. there are many people in the world (and im sure some on RN) that suffer from serious mental/emotional issues from abuse. Many times, people that have some type of deviance or problem sexually are those that are abused. I understand the whole part about gay/straight porn as it was a genre that i graduated to very early on in my addiction as well.

In terms of the abuse i wish i could help you there, but maybe a professional might be more helpful. I can offer support for the porn problem though, thats what we are all here for!

 

[MaseJ]

Hey Daybyday1988, thanks for your response. From what I've learned on here and through other readings, the longer we indulge in porn the more taboo topics we tend to explore. It's like we are sponges trying to absorb whatever sexual excitement we can get but it's never enough. It's like a black void. But if we are patient with ourselves things can get better.

 

[Androg]

Sorry for what you've been through. BTW, it's not all that unusual for porn tastes to diverge from sexual orientation. So, while watching porn won't change your orientation, gay men do sometimes report watching straight porn, and vice versa.

Lingering distress from child abuse is unfortunately not uncommon these days. The good news is that an increasing number of professionals are trained to help those suffering. It would be a good idea for you seek professional help.

 

[MaseJ]

Thanks Androg. It's comforting to know others have simiiar experiences with diverse porn tastes. It must come from the shock value; watching something that is considered taboo or new to us can be a big turn on. The problem is it's not coming from an authentic place, rather our brain which craves more and more stimulation. I guess it's something many of us on RN have in common.

I've been to two therapists in the past regarding the abuse. I feel like I've worked through most layers of it, now it's really up to me to make things work.

Thankfully I am 14 days porn/masturbation free. Not much but I'll take it...