CodeTheMind
Active Member
I don't know if it is just me but my addiction is a way (a bad way) to deal with resentment and sadness. By now I realize that it is not a way to avoid resentment and sadness but a way to embrace resentment and sadness, which sounds really awful, why would anyone do that? Right now I am just thinking it could be some sort of indirect masochism.
This addiction is some sort of ritual that seems rather heroic at some points (to the addicted mind) and I assume that I relapse when I can no longer ignore sadness, resentment, and suffering. The problem is that when I am on a good streak I do not embrace resentment and sadness, and it feels like embracing them is something very personal, and like I said...heroic, but I am forbidden to do so if I am meant to recover.
I don't feel heroic by ignoring negativity, by trying to remain positive I feel like a fool. And as soon as something really bad happens, lets say I have a terrible day, I relapse. And I do so because I am used that kind of ritual of embracing the problem and making myself its martyr. Messed up stuff.
This addiction is some sort of ritual that seems rather heroic at some points (to the addicted mind) and I assume that I relapse when I can no longer ignore sadness, resentment, and suffering. The problem is that when I am on a good streak I do not embrace resentment and sadness, and it feels like embracing them is something very personal, and like I said...heroic, but I am forbidden to do so if I am meant to recover.
I don't feel heroic by ignoring negativity, by trying to remain positive I feel like a fool. And as soon as something really bad happens, lets say I have a terrible day, I relapse. And I do so because I am used that kind of ritual of embracing the problem and making myself its martyr. Messed up stuff.
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