I Need to Be Perfect before I Can Improve

Chuckles

Chuckles

Active Member
Sounds silly, right? But that's how I've felt.

"I can't start a new thread until I have my shit together. I need to have a plan in place, better starting blocks, so many days under my belt, etc."

No. This place exists to help me and all of you get our shit together, to form our plans, to put them in place, and to get more days under our belt.

I'm starting a new thread, because I need to put the past one to bed. Here is a link:

Miles to Go

Hi, I'm not sure how to start so I'll get right into it. This will probably turn into a wall of text, so the TL;DR is that I'm here to break my porn addiction, track my progress doing so, and have something to hold me accountable. The realization: A therapist recognized my porn addiction in...
forum.rebootnation.org forum.rebootnation.org

In a certain sense, I'm starting over. But I can also acknowledge that my past experience is not for naught. I learned a lot, accomplished a lot, and gained some companions along the way. But today I made the decision to re-approach my recovery, and in my head, I didn't want to do so by trying to revive my previous recovery.

Long story short, today, June 30th, 2023, is day 0.

Since (or possibly towards the end of) my last thread, I've relapsed, told myself I could break the habit again, and got back into a cycle. I've moved in with my GF. She knows I'm a recovering addict. A previous relapse, before the move in, caused some tension between us. More recently, I think she suspected my current relapse. And I think this morning she might have seen me PMing, but didn't call me out on it. She's been distant and way less talkative today. I should confess, but don't know how, or if it would be better to change my behavior and move past it. Maybe it's better left unsaid for the time being. I feel pretty shitty, and don't want our relationship to suffer, or for her to feel all the negativity associated with dating a porn addict. So for now, I'm making my commitment to recovery again. For her, for us, for myself. I know it should be primarily for me, but sometimes we do the healthy thing for others when we don't feel like doing it for ourselves, and sometimes that's okay.

As of right now, I don't want to lay out my whole plan, or even form my whole plan. I have to wait on that. We have a trip coming up, and I gotta focus on that. But I will check back in here at least once a day. I saved my RN password on my laptop and my phone, so I have access to this forum as easy as access to porn. And the one commitment I will make, is that if I feel the desire to watch porn, I will log into this site first.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
If she already knows, it may be best to talk with her about it and describe the steps you're taking.

You may also want to point out that "great sex" can set off a chaser that often causes relapse...so she learns how tricky recovery can be...even with a wonderful partner.
 
Chuckles

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 2

I didn't tell her, but it feels like things are good between us. I think I'll tell her after the vacation, or if she brings it up. Yesterday was a good day, and today has been good so far.
 
Chuckles

Chuckles

Active Member
Wow. 4 months since I logged in :(
I can't say much except I've been off the wagon, and it's definitely had a negative impact on my relationship and my overall mental state.

The first few times I quit, before 2021, before I managed to go over a year, there wasn't much of a driving force. Then I had some health issues pop up, and got really mad and really motivated, and I was doing it for me. Then I don't know why but I kind of quit caring, and let myself slip in a moment of weakness.

And now here I am. I can't go more than a few days. I've had so many periods of "I think I can actually beat this addiction," followed by "Who cares? It feels good."

I don't want to be this guy. I don't want to be a slave to this thing. I don't want it to mess up my relationship with, honestly, the best woman I've ever been in a serious adult relationship with. I'm so scared to talk about it though. I'm so scared to admit it. She already said late last year that her real issue was with me not talking about it. Why is this so terrifying?

Is there anyone out there better at confrontation and confessions? Anyone out there better at coming clean?
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
You know, this is my opinion: If someone has been doing this for years and trying to learn how to quit, there are big chances that today he knows what he has to do. If someone is still struggling with this after years (like me), I guess the question is: "Why am I still at it after all this time?" I guess this is the answer we need in order to really start, you know what I'm saying? What is the reason why we, today, still jerk off to porn after years of learning how to quit? But here is the thing: I believe there are 2 things to start with: The answer to that question and the other one is what most people don't want to hear: Suffering. Grinding. Pain. All the fuckin shit days. Because any porn addict will experience some sort of struggle/pain/discomfort etc. on this journey of quitting. A lot of people (myself included) run away from this grinding. And then we keep carrying this fuckin 500 pounds gorilla on our shoulders. That's my opinion, after 8 years of fuckin attempts to quits porn and alcohol. I'm about to turn 33 years old this month. I found out about porn addiction around 25 years old. Why am I still here? Back to the question from earlier. That's what I believe, for a good start someone needs to know why they haven't quit yet and then prepare themselves for the pain that is required by the journey asked by the answer to that question, you know what I;m saying? Good luck brother.
 
Chuckles

Chuckles

Active Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
"Why am I still at it after all this time?" I guess this is the answer we need in order to really start, you know what I'm saying? What is the reason why we, today, still jerk off to porn after years of learning how to quit?
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My gut says weakness. But IDK... beyond the animal impulse, maybe it's self destruction. Honestly most of the things in my life are going well. I have a wonderful life partner and started a pretty decent job. But there's that part of me that feels like I don't deserve it, or that like a lot of other nice things in my life, it's going to go away.
That and it's easy stress relief. Easier than putting in the effort to continue making improvements to my life.
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
But here is the thing: I believe there are 2 things to start with: The answer to that question and the other one is what most people don't want to hear: Suffering. Grinding. Pain. All the fuckin shit days. Because any porn addict will experience some sort of struggle/pain/discomfort etc. on this journey of quitting. A lot of people (myself included) run away from this grinding. And then we keep carrying this fuckin 500 pounds gorilla on our shoulders.
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That's a really good point. In the short term is easier to give in, but in the long run, all those hard days add up to something worth so much more. I kind of forgot that.
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
That's my opinion, after 8 years of fuckin attempts to quits porn and alcohol. I'm about to turn 33 years old this month. I found out about porn addiction around 25 years old. Why am I still here? Back to the question from earlier. That's what I believe, for a good start someone needs to know why they haven't quit yet and then prepare themselves for the pain that is required by the journey asked by the answer to that question, you know what I;m saying? Good luck brother.
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It *is* going to be painful. And I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of hurting my GF, of her feeling like it's her fault. I'm afraid she's going to be angry at me, or ashamed of me. Fuck it's scary.
 
Chuckles

Chuckles

Active Member
Recommit: Day 0, November 5, 2023
I honestly hope that I can say this will be the last day I've ever willingly looked at pornography.

I'll need everyone's help again. And I thank you in advance for it.

What I'm feeling right this minute is guilt and shame and fear and anger at myself. And sadness. It's dark
 
Chuckles

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 2:
I came clean to my GF two days ago. Things went well. Awkward and difficult, but she doesn't hate me. She wonders what she did wrong, which hurts to hear.

I have a hard time taking care of myself. Like trying to make Dr appointments and doing paperwork for health insurance and all that stuff. There's a lot to unpack there therapy-wise, but suffice it to say, it takes a lot to get me to do something for my own benefit. And my outward appearance of not taking this seriously has got her in a funk.

Also, I realized that this is a problem that started over 25 years ago.
I might have mentioned in my first big intro post, but when I was in elementary school, we had one of those legally grey cable boxes that got all the channels. And it was just in the living room, unsupervised, all night.
Porn became 2 things: a source of comfort and escape, and a shameful thing I needed to keep hidden. And that monster has grown and followed me my whole life. And I imagine a lot of addicts feel the same way about their chosen poisons. It's not easy to change habits that you've had since puberty. And it's not easy for anyone to learn healthy coping skills. It's like learning a new language or how to write with your other hand. Not impossible, but very easy to slip back into what you've done and known your whole life, no matter how unhealthy or destructive.

I've done it before and I know I can do it again. I think step 1 is immediate cessation, and step 2 is getting as motivated as I was the last time.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Chuckles said:
I came clean to my GF two days ago. Things went well. Awkward and difficult, but she doesn't hate me. She wonders what she did wrong, which hurts to hear.
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Nice job @Chuckles, that's one of the hardest things to do in my opinion, that is, just come clean with no bullshit. I know for me, coming clean and seeing that she still doesn't hate me, takes much of the sting and "shame" out of all of this, which is a hugh factor that drives us to it.

As you said, you've done this once before, so you can do it again.

Keep staying strong.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Chuckles said:
Also, I realized that this is a problem that started over 25 years ago.
I might have mentioned in my first big intro post, but when I was in elementary school, we had one of those legally grey cable boxes that got all the channels. And it was just in the living room, unsupervised, all night.
Porn became 2 things: a source of comfort and escape, and a shameful thing I needed to keep hidden. And that monster has grown and followed me my whole life. And I imagine a lot of addicts feel the same way about their chosen poisons.
Click to expand...
I had a similar experience. I watched a porn channel, that was available after midnight every day, until it disappeared and I'm guessing it was some sort of pirate signal from the cable company because that was a channel were you had to pay subscriptions to watch. We got it for a few months or something like that and this is where it all started for me.

It's not easy to change habits that you've had since puberty. And it's not easy for anyone to learn healthy coping skills. It's like learning a new language or how to write with your other hand. Not impossible, but very easy to slip back into what you've done and known your whole life, no matter how unhealthy or destructive.
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Yes, of course. When you start using other coping mechanisms (than what you should use) at the age of 12-13 like me, they become your way of coping with everything, I never really developed coping skills maybe that's why I was having such a hard time dealing with pain and suffering.

It's been 20 years for me with this bullshit but it can be done. It can be done for everybody, there is no such thing as lost cause.
 
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