Zero to One -Daily journal

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Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 1

This isn't my first journal on this site, but I wanted to start a fresh one. I'm trying to develop a new habit where I start each day with a post and read a few of the journals that I'm subscribed to.

That's all for now, nothing crazy

Don't let it control you

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 3

I actually look forward to writing these entries in the morning. I feel like it sets me up positively for the rest of the day.
No issues with PMO to write about

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 4

I accidentally found porn on my computer yesterday while looking for an old document. It was stuff from like 6 months ago that I apparently hadn't deleted properly. Anyway, it didn't lead to a relapse, I just went ahead and deleted it so I'm proud of myself for that

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 1

Some cousins from out of town visited the area. I haven't seen them in a long time and we got together to hang out. They are big time partiers, so we ended up going out and partying Friday night and Saturday night. I rarely ever party, so when I DO party, I go all out. On Sunday afternoon after everyone had left, I relapsed. I had let my guard down over the crazy weekend and didn't stop myself

I'm not mad at myself, I'm just annoyed at resetting back to day 1

Onward

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 3

For a while I had removed the blockers from my computer, hoping to force myself to rely on raw self control to reboot. Everyone's journey is different, but for me personally, this was not a good idea. I'm putting the blockers back up today. The extra obstacle between myself and porn is valuable

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 4

I can't really remember the specifics, but I had a dream where I was watching porn last night. I got close to O'ing but I stopped, telling myself that I don't want to go back to Day 1. After waking up, I was proud of myself for rejecting porn even in my sleep.

I was also annoyed lol. If I'm gonna have a horny dream, I might as well be DOING the porn instead of WATCHING it. What a waste of a horny dream.

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 3/30

I had to reset back to day 1 but I'm not in a bad mood about it because I made an insightful discovery.

I think I identified one of my triggers... procrastination. I had a big problem I needed to face, and the urge to relapse got SUPER strong in those moments when I was procrastinating on solving the problem.

I'm not sure yet how to use this information, but it's the first time I've been able to identify the underlying cause of a relapse.

Anyways, it's the first of the month. Here's to a porn-free August.

-Clouds&Dirt
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
My AA friends have a saying, "When in doubt...do the next right thing."

Spoiler alert: It's never "procrastinate." :cool: Next time you're procrastinating, ask yourself what "the next right thing" would be...and find something constructive to do.
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Androg said:
My AA friends have a saying, "When in doubt...do the next right thing."

Spoiler alert: It's never "procrastinate." :cool: Next time you're procrastinating, ask yourself what "the next right thing" would be...and find something constructive to do.
Click to expand...
Hmm, I'll try this next time, thanks!
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 4/30

No pmo urges to talk about here. I do have an open question though, if anyone wants to answer.
Does anyone have experience with telling someone about their porn problem? How did they react? Were they more or less understanding than you expected?

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 5/30

I had an idea that both excites and scares me. I've basically exhausted all of the "strategies" I can think of (blocking my computer, journaling, affirming, marking days on a calendar, etc). So the logical next step is to escalate my efforts. I think the next step might be to see a therapist for this.
Idk if there are addiction therapists or sex specialists who are trained to discuss this kind of thing, but I think that looking someone in the eye and vocalizing this problem aloud can help tremendously.
Still not sure about it, but if there's a CHANCE that it can help me finally defeat this problem, then it'd be worth it

-Clouds&Dirt
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Clouds&Dirt said:
Day 7/30

I had a huge victory yesterday. I straight-up overcame a huge urge to PMO yesterday. I have given in to similar urges countless times, but yesterday I just... didn't.

1 week without porn! 🥳

-Clouds&Dirt
Click to expand...
Way to build those new neural pathways!
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
DAY 9 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟨

Had a relapse over the weekend. Instead of resetting back to zero (which can cause more relapse) I'm going to continue my day counter.
During the relapse I PM but did not O. Not that it makes it any better, but at some point I snapped out of it and didnt "finish".
I'm still having urges but I'm not gonna let this "chaser effect" get the best of me.

I'm viewing this like I fell, but got right back up and kept running. I'm not out of the race, just a little behind.

Onward

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 11

Yesterday was tough. I actually attempted to relapse but couldn't break through my blockers, which I suppose is a good thing.

Anyway, I'm much more clear headed today than yesterday. Hopefully I get at least a few days of relief before the next wave of urges hits me.

Onward

-Clouds&Dirt
 
C

Clouds&Dirt

Member
Day 12

I've been doing pretty well in the gym recently. I'm always pretty consistent with working out, but I'm wondering if the extra pent up energy from not PMOing is causing me to push harder in the gym?

-Clouds&Dirt
 
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