Seeking Advice from Peers - Married or Long-Term Partners

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Hi Friends,

It's been one month since I last wrote something on this forum, and I wanted to seek a little more advice and guidance.

My wife's pregnancy has, in some ways, afforded me the chance to reboot more seriously since I'm not under pressure to deploy my swimmers every month . I haven't masturbated in a long time - I don't remember how long it's been at this point. I've had multiple wet dreams, some of which involved porn, but many of which involved real women, including my wife. I am putting that in the "win" column for now.

My wife and I tried intercourse once this month, but she felt a little uncomfortable given changes to her body, so penetration was limited and she gave me a handjob to completion in the shower. It was honestly a funny and enjoyable experience, and something different and out of the routine for us. Still, that's been it for us this month, and we're eager to be intimate.

The problem is, I still don't feel like my libido is where it should be. I'm not motivated to have sex, so I am tempted to masturbate just to remind my system of the pleasure involved in the hopes it can kick-start my desire for real sex. My poor wife will hear me get out of bed following a wet dream and feel bad that I'm not getting that release with her.

Thoughts on masturbating without any visual stimuli? Is there a place for this kind of masturbation in our lives where we just use our imaginations and focus on sensation?

 

[Androg]

My guess is that you should tell her you want to wait until your libido arises naturally, and that both of you should be content with the present situation. It doesn't sound like either of you is actually suffering...except to the extent you are placing artificial performance expectations on yourselves.

You're not a trained seal. You're under no obligation to force your libido to behave in a particular way...no matter what the sexology profession says.

Can you both just relax, engage in daily affectionate touch, and go with the flow? If so, that's probably your best course of action.

 

[Blondie]

I wouldn't worry too much about this @I_Love_Tuscany, it's quite normal. Also, random moments like that in shower is what it's all about. One thing you could do would be to refrain from orgasming for 90 days, even if you do have sex, doing this can really jumpstart your libido. And keep in mind, what you "think" your libido should be, and what it might actually be, could be two entirely different things. Porn really screws us up when it comes to what we think our libido actually is.

Give it time, and maybe give yourself a break from orgasming, although obviously you can't control wet dreams so don't worry about that.

Best

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Thank you. I appreciate the honest feedback!

 

[Jlied]

Thank you. I appreciate the honest feedback!

I’d like to echo what @Blondie said about where you think your libido should be and where it’s at. I battled this for a long while and in the end, what I thought was my “normal” libido was just a porn induced need to have my dopamine release. I’d get resentful that my wife didn’t have the same sex drive I did. But after cutting out porn and masturbation I realized that I wasn’t craving release like I had been. I thought at first it was just a flatline I was in but the longer that went in the more I realized this was just my normal libido. It sounds weird to say but I’m honestly enjoying the fact that I don’t have sex on my mind constantly. I’ve also found that the intimacy between my wife and I is more organics and genuine rather than her putting out as a way to compete with porn. Now the only time I reach orgasm is with her and by her. There is something romantic in that I think and I quite enjoy it compared to the alternative.

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

TLDR: I had sex with my wife over the weekend! It was spontaneous and felt great (for both). I did not have any performance issues.

How that happened...

On Saturday night, we showered together and I popped a boner. We waffled on whether to put it to use then and there, and instead got out of the shower and tried to quickly dry off and transition to the bed. Lo and behold, once we got to the bed, I was a little cold and the moment passed. My wife was SUPER COOL about it and had no disappointment whatsoever, but that moment presented an opportunity for me to open up and talk about the crazy loop that plays in my head whenever Mr. Woody disappears before showtime.

We had an amazing conversation. I shared some stories with her I'd never shared before, in particular about my first time experiencing ED/PIED in college, and how that moment was so formative because my friends got wind that I couldn't keep it up and, naturally, I felt incredibly embarrassed and ashamed.

From that moment on, I'd always have a voice in the back of my head concerning itself with the quality of my boner and staying up, even a decade plus later! Opening up about that story and my confusion about porn, masturbating and the like was a watershed moment. My wife encouraged me to leave porn behind, as I've been doing, but also to stop beating myself up about my sex drive and boners.

Point of this post: open and honest communication with your spouse/girlfriend/partner can unlock a new level of intimacy that DOES translate to the bedroom. We ended up having some fantastic sex a day after our heart-to-heart.

As always, thanks, community!