Hello Everyone,
I was debating if to post this thread for a long time, hopefully people will not judge me/ laugh at me, because in my head it will always feel very embarrassing.
But i came to a point where i don't know what to do anymore.
***MILD TRIGGER ALERT***
My story :
I'm 27 years old. I was first exposed to porn when i was 9. I have a twin brother (not identical) and a cousin and we were all really good friends. I was more naive and innocent i guess from them, they started watching porn and wanted to show me too. I didn't want to at first, but eventually i was exposed as well. Of course, it was amazing. My brother masturbated Infront of me once (didn't ask for it, he was an annoying kid...) and that's how i figured out that you can watch porn and also touch yourself. I went crazy on porn, watched it every second i had, when my house was empty from people, it was the best time, masturbated 5 times a day and even more... just non stop porn watching as a very young kid. I remember telling myself i really wanted to be one of these guys in the videos, to have sex with so many hot girls. An addiction was born. A pretty usual addiction in my mind. my thoughts became very sexual instantly, about girls in my class, older woman from me... it started to fuck me up in that way very fast.
Here's where the problem starts. Me and my brother are twins, and although we didn't have the best relationship, we were doing a lot of stuff together. watching porn together sometimes, talking about porn, talking about it with my cousin also, everything revolved around porn and having sex with women. but of course not in a normal way, in a pornographic way.
Shortly after i was exposed to porn, me and my brother took a shower together, as twins/ young siblings do (also used to take baths together, not something unusual). i don't remember how it happened, but i think he encouraged me to masturbate for the first time, so i did. it was mind blowing. Unfortunately, as i was masturbating, he started humping my leg. of course, we are naked. It was annoying and i didn't want that, but it happened.
It started a snowball. we would find ourselves play-acting porn. We sometimes watch porn together, and then right after it will go and play act. sometimes just out of nowhere. the thing is everything we knew about sex was from porn, so we were play acting what we saw. the thing is... most of the times we had no clothes on, it was some sort of, or pretty much full on - sex. there was no real penetration or oral activity, but we were trying to mimic the positions, the moves, and the things we saw online.
It was a lot of sexual rush. i'm not saying i wanted this or was thinking of doing it with other boys, i was obsessively drooling over girls and objectifying them and just wishing the day i could have sex with so many girls like i saw on porn, and do it the same way as i saw. This whole play acting lasted for around 2 years, between ages 9-11/12. as the years progressed, it became more similar to the real thing.
At some point, at 12 years old, i was hit with something - this can't continue.. we can't do this anymore. The last time it happened, i freaked out completely. i was sure that were both gay, and was extremely ashamed of it. although there were urges after, i swore i will never do it again. i tried telling my mom a day after, because i was shocked and scared, but she didn't really noticed or understand.
From that day on, until i went to therapy for the first time when i was 22, i had to daily tell myself that i'm not gay. It was insane... at the same time of course, watching porn like crazy. hoping i will just have sex with a lot of girls and it will make all of the thoughts and memories go away. I believe i developed something called HOCD, which is Homophobic Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Porn made me have intrusive thoughts that last until this day. imagery of penis, women with a penis, penis trying to penetrate me... all kind of terrible stuff.
In 2018 i went to a CBT psychologist, read Your Brain On Porn, did a reboot (9 months of nofap and even more of no porn), was accepting my HOCD thoughts and felt better. i felt like the days of me battling daily if i was gay or not were gone, just history. Felt like i really understood what happened to me with porn. I stopped watching porn completely, and although there were relapses since, i'm not watching porn any thing close to before.
in 2020, i met my girlfriend (i had 4 other relationships/sexual encounters before). it was a great love, that really really opened me up sexually and getting to know myself in that way. we were together for 3 years, and i started school as well. for the first 2 years - everything was great sexually. my mental health started to deteriorate and i relapsed with some pornographic pictures and masturbating in a pornographic way i believe. i was also starting to doubt our relationship.
BOOM - the HOCD came back like crazy. a year went by, and i was still battling on and off if i was gay or not, mildly exposing myself to porn/pornographic pictures (mostly pornographic pictures).
Right now the situation is that i'm again not sure what my sexuality is. ive been with my gf for 3 years, we had a little relapse together this week of sleeping with each other, and although im taking lexapro (which messes with your sexual desires), it was hard for me to feel excited and attracted and all of that.
I don't know what to do anymore. i went to therapy, i tried some CBT, trying to do ERP (if anyone knows what it is), but i feel that porn just fucked my sexuality completely.
I want to rediscover my sexuality in a healthy way. A way that i would discover it if i was not exposed to porn at such an early age, not doing all of these things with my brother.
Anyone has some good advice regarding how to do that? even if it means that i'm gay eventually, so be it... i just want to be happy, i just want to feel like myself, my authentic self, i can't with this confusion anymore, with the doubt... it's so hard to live like this. I know it's not a therapy forum, but if someone went or goes through something similar and can recommend what to do, i just want to have a healthy sexual life, what ever side of the ball game it is.
Thank you for reading.
I was debating if to post this thread for a long time, hopefully people will not judge me/ laugh at me, because in my head it will always feel very embarrassing.
But i came to a point where i don't know what to do anymore.
***MILD TRIGGER ALERT***
My story :
I'm 27 years old. I was first exposed to porn when i was 9. I have a twin brother (not identical) and a cousin and we were all really good friends. I was more naive and innocent i guess from them, they started watching porn and wanted to show me too. I didn't want to at first, but eventually i was exposed as well. Of course, it was amazing. My brother masturbated Infront of me once (didn't ask for it, he was an annoying kid...) and that's how i figured out that you can watch porn and also touch yourself. I went crazy on porn, watched it every second i had, when my house was empty from people, it was the best time, masturbated 5 times a day and even more... just non stop porn watching as a very young kid. I remember telling myself i really wanted to be one of these guys in the videos, to have sex with so many hot girls. An addiction was born. A pretty usual addiction in my mind. my thoughts became very sexual instantly, about girls in my class, older woman from me... it started to fuck me up in that way very fast.
Here's where the problem starts. Me and my brother are twins, and although we didn't have the best relationship, we were doing a lot of stuff together. watching porn together sometimes, talking about porn, talking about it with my cousin also, everything revolved around porn and having sex with women. but of course not in a normal way, in a pornographic way.
Shortly after i was exposed to porn, me and my brother took a shower together, as twins/ young siblings do (also used to take baths together, not something unusual). i don't remember how it happened, but i think he encouraged me to masturbate for the first time, so i did. it was mind blowing. Unfortunately, as i was masturbating, he started humping my leg. of course, we are naked. It was annoying and i didn't want that, but it happened.
It started a snowball. we would find ourselves play-acting porn. We sometimes watch porn together, and then right after it will go and play act. sometimes just out of nowhere. the thing is everything we knew about sex was from porn, so we were play acting what we saw. the thing is... most of the times we had no clothes on, it was some sort of, or pretty much full on - sex. there was no real penetration or oral activity, but we were trying to mimic the positions, the moves, and the things we saw online.
It was a lot of sexual rush. i'm not saying i wanted this or was thinking of doing it with other boys, i was obsessively drooling over girls and objectifying them and just wishing the day i could have sex with so many girls like i saw on porn, and do it the same way as i saw. This whole play acting lasted for around 2 years, between ages 9-11/12. as the years progressed, it became more similar to the real thing.
At some point, at 12 years old, i was hit with something - this can't continue.. we can't do this anymore. The last time it happened, i freaked out completely. i was sure that were both gay, and was extremely ashamed of it. although there were urges after, i swore i will never do it again. i tried telling my mom a day after, because i was shocked and scared, but she didn't really noticed or understand.
From that day on, until i went to therapy for the first time when i was 22, i had to daily tell myself that i'm not gay. It was insane... at the same time of course, watching porn like crazy. hoping i will just have sex with a lot of girls and it will make all of the thoughts and memories go away. I believe i developed something called HOCD, which is Homophobic Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Porn made me have intrusive thoughts that last until this day. imagery of penis, women with a penis, penis trying to penetrate me... all kind of terrible stuff.
In 2018 i went to a CBT psychologist, read Your Brain On Porn, did a reboot (9 months of nofap and even more of no porn), was accepting my HOCD thoughts and felt better. i felt like the days of me battling daily if i was gay or not were gone, just history. Felt like i really understood what happened to me with porn. I stopped watching porn completely, and although there were relapses since, i'm not watching porn any thing close to before.
in 2020, i met my girlfriend (i had 4 other relationships/sexual encounters before). it was a great love, that really really opened me up sexually and getting to know myself in that way. we were together for 3 years, and i started school as well. for the first 2 years - everything was great sexually. my mental health started to deteriorate and i relapsed with some pornographic pictures and masturbating in a pornographic way i believe. i was also starting to doubt our relationship.
BOOM - the HOCD came back like crazy. a year went by, and i was still battling on and off if i was gay or not, mildly exposing myself to porn/pornographic pictures (mostly pornographic pictures).
Right now the situation is that i'm again not sure what my sexuality is. ive been with my gf for 3 years, we had a little relapse together this week of sleeping with each other, and although im taking lexapro (which messes with your sexual desires), it was hard for me to feel excited and attracted and all of that.
I don't know what to do anymore. i went to therapy, i tried some CBT, trying to do ERP (if anyone knows what it is), but i feel that porn just fucked my sexuality completely.
I want to rediscover my sexuality in a healthy way. A way that i would discover it if i was not exposed to porn at such an early age, not doing all of these things with my brother.
Anyone has some good advice regarding how to do that? even if it means that i'm gay eventually, so be it... i just want to be happy, i just want to feel like myself, my authentic self, i can't with this confusion anymore, with the doubt... it's so hard to live like this. I know it's not a therapy forum, but if someone went or goes through something similar and can recommend what to do, i just want to have a healthy sexual life, what ever side of the ball game it is.
Thank you for reading.
