Rebooting after a long time

[recoverer]

Hi all,

First off its been a few years since I have decided to revisit this side of my life, I have been a struggling PA for about 20 years, various times I have been in meetings, joined support groups (some might remember me from various forums past).

Since I last visited this forum I have married, had a child, moved house, gone through a pandemic, for years I felt my acting out was because I had no one in my life and for a while my acting out lessened and came to a stop for a while, it only would flare when I was stressed or if something was up (like if I got into an argument or messed something up) however from 2 years ago I have been coming to rely on p too much, me and my spouse went through a really bad rocky patch and it became my go to when things really went bad, whilst it helped me cope through those times, it was a little dangerous as it helped me ignore the issue instead of confronting it. We sought therapy and are doing well now.

My addiction for the last few months has begun to spin out of control and I am looking at P almost daily, sometimes spending 3 - 4 hours a night trying to get my high and its wrecking my sleep, my productivity at work and home has started to slump. My head seems foggy most of the time, I am juggling a lot of plates at times and at other times I am not, it seems that I always get myself in that situation more and more recently.

I am happy with my life but I feel my compulsive viewing of P will wreck this, after I view p, I tend to go in a bit of a depressive low, my SO has some idea that I view P but we don't talk about it and whenever we have had, it hasn't been pleasant. I am normally a spiritual person but I have felt dead inside for close to a year now, often in my head there is a war with my spiritual side and my addiction, for now addiction has the battlefield.

I am hoping by starting journaling that I can begin recovery once again,

Well here's to day 1

 

[Androg]

Hi all,

First off its been a few years since I have decided to revisit this side of my life, I have been a struggling PA for about 20 years, various times I have been in meetings, joined support groups (some might remember me from various forums past).

Since I last visited this forum I have married, had a child, moved house, gone through a pandemic, for years I felt my acting out was because I had no one in my life and for a while my acting out lessened and came to a stop for a while, it only would flare when I was stressed or if something was up (like if I got into an argument or messed something up) however from 2 years ago I have been coming to rely on p too much, me and my spouse went through a really bad rocky patch and it became my go to when things really went bad, whilst it helped me cope through those times, it was a little dangerous as it helped me ignore the issue instead of confronting it. We sought therapy and are doing well now.

My addiction for the last few months has begun to spin out of control and I am looking at P almost daily, sometimes spending 3 - 4 hours a night trying to get my high and its wrecking my sleep, my productivity at work and home has started to slump. My head seems foggy most of the time, I am juggling a lot of plates at times and at other times I am not, it seems that I always get myself in that situation more and more recently.

I am happy with my life but I feel my compulsive viewing of P will wreck this, after I view p, I tend to go in a bit of a depressive low, my SO has some idea that I view P but we don't talk about it and whenever we have had, it hasn't been pleasant. I am normally a spiritual person but I have felt dead inside for close to a year now, often in my head there is a war with my spiritual side and my addiction, for now addiction has the battlefield.

I am hoping by starting journaling that I can begin recovery once again,

Well here's to day 1

It’s clearly time for a change. You can do it.

But find other ways to cope with your emotional swings. Are you exercising regularly?

 

[recoverer]

Certainly is

I usually go into the gym, havent been last couple of weeks due to having to do renovation work in my evenings after work, once the renovations are done, will definitely start going again.

I made it through the day and night without p, night was unsettled but I know its something that will get better as my brain gets used not having that p kick at night.

Here's to day 2

 

[recoverer]

Its been a hard couple of days, trying to keep myself away from p, its been really hard at times but managed it so far,

Here's to day 5

 

[TryingHarder]

Sounds like you have a lot of good reasons to quit porn (a wife, a child, a happy life). Porn is useless and will provide you with no lasting joy, solace, or comfort. If you haven't already, get a copy of Your Brain On Porn and read it cover to cover. It will give you a lot of good insights into the reboot process and how to break the addiction.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Welcome back from a fellow relapser. I know all too well how bad it can get before you make the decision to come here. But it really is the first step to helping yourself. Everyone here will celebrate your successes and help pick you up when you need it, and with perseverance you can get past this.

Best of luck!

 

[Blondie]

You got this @recoverer.

 

[recoverer]

I am writing after a couple of years, I am back in this dark place again, I have been constantly looking at p, getting so bad as I find my self looking it during work hours. I look at it when I am supposed to be sleeping, currently I am banished to my child's bedroom and don't share a room with the wife, I am using it as a sleeping aid to forget about my pain.

A bit about myself I can confront anything head on anymore, I often falter, I am having a long row with my wife saying she is done with me, this is more due to my reason about to resolve long standing conflicts in our relationship, I often will hide in my shell when there is a problem and wait for it to resolve itself unless its something I can easily sort. I don't desire to be intimate or physical and shy away from touch and some of it is probably down to my use of p.

My wife probably knows I look at p and doesn't really say anything to me around it, either I hide it well or she really does not care enough about me to bring me up on it.

I am in a dark place at the moment, I have registered myself for therapy, I use to be able to take this addiction head on and I know there is no cure and I used to be able to take it day by day and made some great strides. I know to start building myself up again I need to be honest about myself and to whomever my therapist is about this addiction.

Today I am at day 0 after a binging session that lasted till half 1 in the morning.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Welcome back. It’s always tough admitting you need support.

We are all here supporting each other to beat this. So you’re in the right place.

 

[Impression]

Yes, welcome back @recoverer. It sounds like you are in a difficult place at the moment, I am sorry to hear about the uncomfortable place with your wife and I hope that you’re able to resolve it.
Well done for registering for therapy as well, I am sure that will help you navigate some of these challenging situations too.

The more you know yourself, the more ammunition you have to shoot this addiction down.

 

[recoverer]

Thanks guys, about an hour after my last post I have had a mental health episode which I won't get into here but my relationship my wife is over, I have to continue to look to the future and be there for my kids. I am currently out of the family home and it was really toxic to my mental health but I need to focus on rebuilding my mental health one day at a time and recover from this mental health episode and move past it all.

I am starting to rediscover myself slowly, therapy starts next week however on the plus side I am on Day 7, the road is long and I may not post everyday but everyone thank you for your support I really mean it.