Artemus
Member
Over the years I've learned many things, the do's and do not's, the how's and why's. What works, what doesn't work. This post I guess you would say is a re-hash of my efforts, my discoveries, my failures and successes. My introduction to porn occurred in the summer of 1978, I was 8 years old. Prior to this I'd had no involvement or access to any nude or sexual material. My home was a legit Christian home, Mom, Dad, little sister and me. We went to church every Sunday and Wednesday, cable didn't exist yet in our area of the Atlanta suburbs and we barely got 3 tv channels. I guess what I'm driving at is I had no reason to avoid this material, I was 8 and sex ed was thought by my parents to be far in the future event. So when it was offered to me I actually laughed not realizing the effect it would have on me. Now before I continue I want to be clear, I'm not bashing my Church, my Parents or my community, I believe for the times they thought I was safe from having to worry about it. My church correctly taught me about sin, about redemption and about living correctly. It wasn't all hellfire and brimstone, far from it, but for me anyway I ended up stuck in a certain mindset and understanding of myself that I would describe as incomplete or at least too negatively imbalanced. This would prove to be an anchor going forward for my rebooting.
So, 1978 I'm playing in my neighbors yard, he's 3 years my junior and he offhand mentions that his dad has a magazine with a lady playing the piano without clothing. I thought this was the funniest thing I'd ever heard and didn't believe him, thinking it was a ludicrous joke. He said he could show me to prove it. So we proceeded inside and he showed me. We went in and downstairs to a fully finished basement and back to where it looked like a huge walk-in closet. Inside were 5 stacks of magazines, each one was maybe 2-1/2 feet high. The walls had centerfolds cut from the magazines and professionally mounted on wood backgrounds. After he showed me what we came to see I remember feeling dumb struck and just like pistachios we couldn't look at just one. We spent probably an hour in there and when we came out I felt what I can only describe as intoxicated. My mouth was hanging open, my feet were insecure beneath me and I was totally confused. Like I said I had no knowledge of sex or nudity, but something inside me was clicked on and from then on I wanted to see more. It was probably a month before we went back again, but soon after 3 trips I'd say I asked if I could take a few home with me and he said sure. Now at this point no adults knew what we'd been up to. So I found a bag and smuggled my stash home. Strangely something inside me said I should hide them, like part of me knew I shouldn't be doing this, but I didn't know why, I just knew I liked what I was seeing. I don't remember how but somehow my parents found out and questioned me about it and I confessed and took them to my stash. They promptly made me return them to my friends house, walked me to the front door, had me knock and hand them to my friends mom. They grounded me for 2 weeks when we got home, told me I shouldn't be looking at things like that and moved on. I guess they still weren't ready to cross the sex-ed Rubicon with me, so nothing was explained just, "say no". So for the next 4 years my new desire would only occasionally be fueled by the incidental magazine discovery behind a dumpster or in my uncles closet while I was visiting or many other out of the way places that seem to find me from then on. Then came cable television...
Now 1982 rolls around and like I stated we only had 3 channels we could get on regular rabbit ear TV, so when cable came up our street my parents jumped in and got "basic" hookups for the den and mine and my sisters rooms. Back then there was no remote just a center knob you had to get up and turn. Not sure how long it was before I made the discovery, but one night(after 8PM) because nothing was on the higher channels until after 8 PM. So I'm cruising the dial in the privacy of my bedroom when I flip past a wavvy as hell channel and suddenly for a split second it partially clears and I recognize some certain body parts and I'm dumbfounded again to the 10th power. Before it was still shots, but these images were moving and had sound as well. O to the M to the G! Soon at school people are discussing cable tv because its new and soon its mentioned how some people have gotten special boxes that show it all, but that you shouldn't mess with the screws on the back or the cable police would come arrest you. For several months I wrestled with my conscience and just watched thru waves and listened intently, careful not to let the volume get too loud... Finally one day after school, no one was home so I took my box apart, tinkered with it until I discovered how to get ALL the channels for FREE! Now all I had to do was wait until 8PM and see if it worked. 8PM came and I was a goner, I could see it all, I could hear it all and my pants were so tight I could hardly blink. Soon their after masturbation entered the nightly ritual. This was when guilt and shame entered the picture for me. On the one hand I couldn't deny that I loved what I was seeing, but on the other I just knew what I was doing wasn't in keeping with my beliefs. I struggled and struggled and even went back in the box and put it back to how it was, but I wouldn't leave it that way for long. This is where Rebooting started for me, I just didn't know what to call it. I did the usual cycle, binge for a while, feel guilt and shame, swear off for a while and then stumble back into it. This pattern continued more or less until I turned 16, got a car and found other things to occupy my time. Wash, Rinse, Repeat...
1986, I got my drivers license and even a used car and this burst of freedom was a life changer in certain regards because now I could expand my domain beyond the distance of what my legs would carry me on my bike. Anyway back to the issue of P, M and O. Like I mentioned the cable TV afforded me the opportunity to private daily viewing after 8PM and I took full advantage every single night, multiple rounds, sometimes so many times I finally was unable to achieve ejaculation no matter how vigorously I pursued it. This pattern held from 1982-1986, but didn't fully die in 1986. I found other activities, motorsports mostly since I didn't enjoy stick & ball sports. It was also in this time that I was diagnosed with ADD(Attention Deficit Disorder) I wasn't the hyper variety, I would stare blankly either at a teacher or out the window. Getting lost in my own head was one of my favorite past times. What this meant is I did pretty bad in school, nearly flunked 1st grade, 4th grade and finally did flunk the 9th. Went to summer school to catch up and graduated with an exactly average 2.0. One of the things I've learned along the way is people like me with ADD tend to have low natural dopamine levels and tend to seek out thrill seeking activities and professions, even extending into risky sexual behavior. Many become police officers, firemen, pilots and some take the flip side and become criminals, always chasing a dopamine rush from taking risk, facing danger. Others become sex addicts or choose risky partners, for me it was motorsports and motorcycles and PMO. Without these outlets I always felt muted or like being under a wet blanket. But when I'm touching 100MPH or banging doors on a race track or having glorious sex with my wife I feel awake and alive. Some other professions I considered were Highway Patrolman, Ambulance Driver, Stuntman and Fighter Pilot, but my parents were having none of it.
So, 1978 I'm playing in my neighbors yard, he's 3 years my junior and he offhand mentions that his dad has a magazine with a lady playing the piano without clothing. I thought this was the funniest thing I'd ever heard and didn't believe him, thinking it was a ludicrous joke. He said he could show me to prove it. So we proceeded inside and he showed me. We went in and downstairs to a fully finished basement and back to where it looked like a huge walk-in closet. Inside were 5 stacks of magazines, each one was maybe 2-1/2 feet high. The walls had centerfolds cut from the magazines and professionally mounted on wood backgrounds. After he showed me what we came to see I remember feeling dumb struck and just like pistachios we couldn't look at just one. We spent probably an hour in there and when we came out I felt what I can only describe as intoxicated. My mouth was hanging open, my feet were insecure beneath me and I was totally confused. Like I said I had no knowledge of sex or nudity, but something inside me was clicked on and from then on I wanted to see more. It was probably a month before we went back again, but soon after 3 trips I'd say I asked if I could take a few home with me and he said sure. Now at this point no adults knew what we'd been up to. So I found a bag and smuggled my stash home. Strangely something inside me said I should hide them, like part of me knew I shouldn't be doing this, but I didn't know why, I just knew I liked what I was seeing. I don't remember how but somehow my parents found out and questioned me about it and I confessed and took them to my stash. They promptly made me return them to my friends house, walked me to the front door, had me knock and hand them to my friends mom. They grounded me for 2 weeks when we got home, told me I shouldn't be looking at things like that and moved on. I guess they still weren't ready to cross the sex-ed Rubicon with me, so nothing was explained just, "say no". So for the next 4 years my new desire would only occasionally be fueled by the incidental magazine discovery behind a dumpster or in my uncles closet while I was visiting or many other out of the way places that seem to find me from then on. Then came cable television...
Now 1982 rolls around and like I stated we only had 3 channels we could get on regular rabbit ear TV, so when cable came up our street my parents jumped in and got "basic" hookups for the den and mine and my sisters rooms. Back then there was no remote just a center knob you had to get up and turn. Not sure how long it was before I made the discovery, but one night(after 8PM) because nothing was on the higher channels until after 8 PM. So I'm cruising the dial in the privacy of my bedroom when I flip past a wavvy as hell channel and suddenly for a split second it partially clears and I recognize some certain body parts and I'm dumbfounded again to the 10th power. Before it was still shots, but these images were moving and had sound as well. O to the M to the G! Soon at school people are discussing cable tv because its new and soon its mentioned how some people have gotten special boxes that show it all, but that you shouldn't mess with the screws on the back or the cable police would come arrest you. For several months I wrestled with my conscience and just watched thru waves and listened intently, careful not to let the volume get too loud... Finally one day after school, no one was home so I took my box apart, tinkered with it until I discovered how to get ALL the channels for FREE! Now all I had to do was wait until 8PM and see if it worked. 8PM came and I was a goner, I could see it all, I could hear it all and my pants were so tight I could hardly blink. Soon their after masturbation entered the nightly ritual. This was when guilt and shame entered the picture for me. On the one hand I couldn't deny that I loved what I was seeing, but on the other I just knew what I was doing wasn't in keeping with my beliefs. I struggled and struggled and even went back in the box and put it back to how it was, but I wouldn't leave it that way for long. This is where Rebooting started for me, I just didn't know what to call it. I did the usual cycle, binge for a while, feel guilt and shame, swear off for a while and then stumble back into it. This pattern continued more or less until I turned 16, got a car and found other things to occupy my time. Wash, Rinse, Repeat...
1986, I got my drivers license and even a used car and this burst of freedom was a life changer in certain regards because now I could expand my domain beyond the distance of what my legs would carry me on my bike. Anyway back to the issue of P, M and O. Like I mentioned the cable TV afforded me the opportunity to private daily viewing after 8PM and I took full advantage every single night, multiple rounds, sometimes so many times I finally was unable to achieve ejaculation no matter how vigorously I pursued it. This pattern held from 1982-1986, but didn't fully die in 1986. I found other activities, motorsports mostly since I didn't enjoy stick & ball sports. It was also in this time that I was diagnosed with ADD(Attention Deficit Disorder) I wasn't the hyper variety, I would stare blankly either at a teacher or out the window. Getting lost in my own head was one of my favorite past times. What this meant is I did pretty bad in school, nearly flunked 1st grade, 4th grade and finally did flunk the 9th. Went to summer school to catch up and graduated with an exactly average 2.0. One of the things I've learned along the way is people like me with ADD tend to have low natural dopamine levels and tend to seek out thrill seeking activities and professions, even extending into risky sexual behavior. Many become police officers, firemen, pilots and some take the flip side and become criminals, always chasing a dopamine rush from taking risk, facing danger. Others become sex addicts or choose risky partners, for me it was motorsports and motorcycles and PMO. Without these outlets I always felt muted or like being under a wet blanket. But when I'm touching 100MPH or banging doors on a race track or having glorious sex with my wife I feel awake and alive. Some other professions I considered were Highway Patrolman, Ambulance Driver, Stuntman and Fighter Pilot, but my parents were having none of it.
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