I Wish I Had Never Seen Internet Porn!

[SoberRich]

This occurs to me, and is how I really feel now after my first relapse since I started a few days ago. I will update my journal with this relapse. It is just that the pain that this addiction has caused me over almost 20 years is awful, and the drama it has caused me in lost friendships with women around me in school, with causing issues in romantic relationships. I am just so over it, and done. I wish I had never seen my first porn. I feel almost violated. Like it was forced upon me, which might be a bit silly since obviously no one is forced to view porn. I just feel like no alternative was provided to me. If someone had come to me when I was 15, and first saw Sports illustrated and porn sites, and said "you can look, but it will alter your life, and make it more difficult from this point forward", I would say no. There is nothing wrong with being a heterosexual man, and there is nothing wrong with finding women attractive. But it is the obsession, the objectification, the disempowerment, just all of the horribleness.

I don't want any of it. Starting over.

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Editing this to add; It is difficult for me to remember when I saw my first porn image, but I think it was my early teens. I remember I was about 15 or 16 and I was noticing the girls in school (when I was also 15 to 16; this ISN'T me looking back, just my memory), and noticing they had boobs and stuff. I had never seen a woman naked, but I remember opening my sex ed book and wondering if that was what my peers looked like. At this point, I would say this was all normal and healthy.

But then at some point, I think that I started to look online because I saw images there and that was how it turned for the worse. I wish I had never gone that direction and just stayed curious until I started dating in university.

Rich

 

[Blondie]

Hey @SoberRich, I get this. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but it's something we all do, I know I do it.

I remember the first time I saw porn, I was twelve at the time, and we had just got the internet in our house. I was completely innocent at the time, had no clue about anything, especially women. Well, after my older brother had used the internet for literally the first time, I got on it because it was my turn. Those were the days (1995), and the internet was a big deal and exciting. Well no sooner had I set down to have fun, I pushed the back button in Explore or whatever, and happened to see what my brother had just looked at. I was both shocked and intrigued. So this is what women look like without clothes? I remember instantly turning it off and never looking at again for many months, but eventually my curiosity got the better of me and I returned once more.

Yes I wish someone, preferably my dad, would have instructed me on my sexual curiosity, and told me everything I was thinking was okay and even healthy. However, what I received (if anything) was that sex was this taboo thing, and always something that no adult in my family was able to talk about, much less talk about freely and comfortably, thus, I had to keep it to myself and eventually, this bad habit of peeking from time to time, became ingrained in me, and the rest is history as they say.

I wish we could change our past, however, we can change our future, by becoming the men we wish to be. We can in some sense, return to those innocent kids who didn't know any better, and were just curious about women, and life in general.

Best

 

[amaze99]

Porn is a drug, but you should be glad that it's a drug that you can quit, unlike heroin, meth, which you can't quit, and I was a victim of porn addiction, but I recovered, and I found the good in my life while I was sober, and I spent all my time finding and building the good in my life, and now I feel happy, Instead of anhedonia, this joy comes from the bottom of my heart, not ecstasies. I used to waste a lot of time watching porn. It was a pure waste of time. If I had focused on studying when I was younger, I would be a better person now