20 years old. First post. My porn addiction

[Greg1994]

I started watching porn at around 12 years of age. I remember watching it daily into high school, and during high school I watched it almost every night before I went to bed to end the night, sometimes multiple times a day. I lost my virginity at 15 years old and from 15-20 years old I have had sex with 11 girls. I currently now have a girlfriend who I love dearly. She's my first girlfriend that I've been sexually active with. Most of the other times were one night stands or casual meet up sex. At my 19th birthday I've noticed things were changing, sexually and mentally. Here are my list of problems that I have noticed since my 19th birthday:
- The onset of HOCD- I've had intrusive sexual gay thoughts. Thoughts of penis pop into my head when I don't want to have them.These thoughts are nonstop persistent thoughts I do not want to have. I feel no sexual urge or desire to do things with another male, but theirs a constant voice constantly repeating to me that I'm gay. I am not homophobic in the least, I am open minded and believe people should love who they love. But I cannot stop these thoughts. They basically tell me I want to have sex with every male I see, regardless of age or how they look. They are irrational but don't stop. I never escalated into gay porn because it never got me hard. I can't see two dudes having sex, to me it's gross. I need to see a female
- Constant social anxiety (fear that people think I'm gay, or are trying to figure me out)
- Depression
- The inability to stop watching porn. I NEED porn. I believe I use porn as a means to prove to myself that I'm not gay. I know this in turn feeds the OCD cycle, but I CANT stop or go a certain amount of time without looking at porn.
- No erection without porn or having sex. I do get an erection with my girlfriend. However I am talking about fantasy erections. I only get good solid erections with viewing porn.
- Low self esteem- I feel inferior to everybody. I have no confidence in myself. And when I do have confidence in myself in only lasts a few moments or days n than I'm back in the cycle of depression, feeling down, looking at porn.
- I just feel generally weird around everyone. I feel like my life has changed. These gay thoughts won't stop. Even though I'm clearly attracted to women and not men, they do not stop. I don't wish this upon anyone. If I was truly gay I would have no problem accepting it. But I'm not, and the thoughts just won't go away. Sometimes they don't only stop there. I just have absurd thoughts.

The last point I want to make is that: NONE of this ever happened before my 19th birthday. I was completely fine in life before this, I knew who I was, I felt confident in myself and myself sexually. I didn't have social anxiety or HOCD (gay thoughts). That's why none of this makes sense to me.

I also want to mention I was a heavy pot user from 17-20 years old. Can marijuana cause some of this as well. I just need opinions and advice on my story and how I should go about this. Thank you.

 

[William]

I think I tried to post this earlier, but...let's start at the beginning.  Take time to understand the problem.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

Peace.

 

[Greg1994]

Thank you for the video. Truly makes sense. I was wondering if anyone else on here has experienced HOCD and/or used marijuana as well as being a porn addict. Will stopping porn and marijuana help me out ? Any advice or input is much appreicated

 

[Greg1994]

Bump

 

[Cyrus]

Youre not gay. You're a straight male wondering why you get turned on by Gay porn? Bc after years of PMO abuse you Brain has adapted and needs something a bit more exciting to get that hit of dopamine. In my case, being gay, I stayed with gay porn, but it went from soft vanilla stuff to a fetishes. In your case, it's gay porn that is new and exciting to you. Again: No, you're NOT gay in the slightest and if you are determind to reboot the urges to view gay material will weaken and soon become none existent. Remember, we are addicts. It's just like a drug addict in coke and switches to heroine for a stronger high bc his body built up a tolerence to coke. I've never tried pot but I know enough about it and a lot of people who say they don't like it often are the ones who have grown to be super paranoid or had panic attacks while stoned. In your case, you're in a frenzy as it is with wondering why you're having gay thoughts. Add pot
To the mix and you're just a time bomb of nerves. Then again, some say weed chills them out and helps them cope. Everyone is different. As a gay male of 21 I can answer any and all questions you have regarding homosexuality and other sexualities so please don't hesitate to PM me with questions as I will be here for support. Good luck!

 

[Greg1994]

Well I never got turned on by gay porn. Not once. I would use it to test my HOCD however, to prove to myself that I am not gay. What this is in OCD is known as compulsion (Obsessive COMPULSIVE disorder). A compulsion is something done by someone with OCD to relieve the anxiety the obsession is causing. But what it actually does is only reinforce the cycle of OCD and the thoughts continue to persist.

So I while I never watched gay porn and while it never got me aroused, I still developed HOCD from watching so much porn. It happened because one day I noticed the dude more in the video than the women and that first thought popped into my head, "what if I'm gay?" And it has stuck ever since. It's a nightmare to live with this but I truly believe stopping all porn will rid these thoughts

 

[Cyrus]

You answered your own question: It will. Do you take any medication for your case of OCD? I believe that alone is more the issue on this matter then porn itself. You're OCD is making yourself very worked up with thoughts if you're gay or not when clearly you know you're not.

 

[Greg1994]

I don't take any medication for my OCD. I don't want to take any because I don't want to have to become dependent on them, as you always need a higher n higher dose. It also lowers your sex drive and gives you sexual issues. I just don't want to have to rely on medication.

 

[Cyrus]

I can relate bc I have anxiety (unrelated to porn and my sex drive in general) and refuse to be on medication for those reasons as well. My advice is learn to control your OCD and not let it control you.

 

[p.enlightenment]

Thank you for the video. Truly makes sense. I was wondering if anyone else on here has experienced HOCD and/or used marijuana as well as being a porn addict. Will stopping porn and marijuana help me out ? Any advice or input is much appreicated

Greg, I see your concern with what you feel are homosexual thoughts. The best thing I can suggest is stop watching porn. When you stop your brain will stop viewing everything so sexually. I used to have sexual thoughts all the time and always look at girls in a sexual way. After 6 months of no porn those thoughts are gone. After 3 months they were much much weaker. So I think if you focus on quitting porn that is the first step. Before you worry too much about these thoughts you're having see if they are just a result of watching porn and not your personal preference. Porn really effects our thoughts, especially sexual ones.

Some food for thought on this blog post: http://www.pornenlightenment.com/home/porn-vs-real-sex. If you consider the differences between porn and sex this can help to understand how porn causes bizarre sexual thoughts to enter our minds that aren't really a part of us or who we are.

 

[Greg1994]

I know it's not my personal preference. I truly believe it just stems from watching so much porn that I'm constantly viewing thing sexually and my minds just saturated with the ideas of sex. I've had sex with a dozen girls, always gotten with girls in my social life. Their beauty and body turns me on. So I know these thoughts are not real life based. Part of it possibly also stems from low self esteem. I'm skinny and feel inferior to better built men. I feel as if I'm not manly enough because I don't have muscles but I know how false that is. I have to believe in myself. I have a smokin hot girlfriend now and am lucky for that. It's just very hard to stop watching porn because of all the naked women I get to see. I have to do it for my future and for my mental health

 

[Josh.Thomas1989]

You've just got to dig in man. It's going to be a tough battle. You mentioned marijuana. Take the high off of that and replace it from your dopamine high from watching porn. Trust me man, if you finally beat this, all doors will open in your life. I'm 19 days in and I never want to go back. I know the struggle will return but I'm going to do this once and do it right. Whatever it takes. Whether it's 8 weeks or 8 months, you have to end this battle.

 

[Fappy]

Yeah mate the feeling you get from not watching porn and knowing that youve decided not to watch it ever again is so much better than the pissy little buzz you get from fapping to it.
Ride it out and know that This Is The Cure

 

[George Oh Well]

In regards to the cannabis use, everything affects everyone differently. Your experiences will be different from mine. Personally, I have found cannabis to be helpful in my fight against depression and anxiety and as an occasional user (1-2 times a week with the occasional several weeks or month without) it has helped stabilize my emotions even when I was not using it, much more effective than those damned prescription pills. My advice to you would be to stick with what works for you personally. I, for one, have an aversion to pharmaceutical drugs and I only drink socially. If you are like me, then cannabis has no withdrawal symptoms and alleviates stress and anxiety not only when you are high, but when you are sober as well.

Best of luck to you and everyone!