Big Red Journal

[RedClef88]

Today is Day 1 again.
  I've joined the site to help myself with all sincerity. My last clean stint lasted 116 days and I've been in relapse for about 2.5 weeks. I feel how I am progressively falling down an unhealthy slope.
  That clean time was hard at the beginning but became easier, healthier and more fulfilling everyday. I want that back.
As days go by, I'll post more about myself and my continuing experience. I appreciate all advice and encouragement! If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to send them my way.
-One Day at a Time-

 

[RedClef88]

  I guess I'm at the end of Day 3 right now. Thanksgiving and a long work day have helped keep me away from the internet.
A little more about me: I am officially 17 months drug and alcohol free. I am also tobacco free now for almost 13 months. These achievements give me great confidence that I can abstain from my most difficult addiction.
  Honestly, I've been viewing as much porn as possible since I was about 14. The internet wasn't around for the beginning of my teens. Hell, it was still dial-up for me until my early 20's. The super speed of the internet has been such a big factor in my growing abuse. I'm pretty sure it is much the same for all of us.
  A lot of the knowledge I've gained from months of recovery programs, therapy, 12 step meetings of all kinds, and endless literature will all help me get more clean time. Porn gives me a similar feeling to my drug and alcohol use. Feelings of disassociation, shame and detachment. It was always felt better to abuse than to be present with my emotions. Porn helps me get off and feel satisfied, but at a progressively huge cost.
-One Day at a Time-

 

[neon tiger]

Hello Red,

Welcome back to the PMO freedom saddle- and congrats on your accomplishments recovering from the ties of addiction. My first exposure to the 12 steps was through SAA, a couple years before my substance use became unmanageable and ended me in rehab. That was about 12 years ago (rehab will be 9 years ago this february). At the time, my acting out had escalated from PMO (which i had been doing since i was 14 years or so to VHS), to anonymous sex/hooking up. It was spiritual bankruptcy. After rehab, I have managed to stay drug and tobacco free for 7 1/2 years now.

With PMO on the other hand, I gave it up while in rehab because i had no options- no computer, no smart phone, semi privacy 24/7.

Holy shit- i just realized that i was PMO free for about 15 months!

I was in rehab as a client for 7 weeks, but then i joined their transitional living program for 13 months. I worked for them, and in return I received food, shelter, a stipend, and stayed focused on my continuing recovery. I just now realize that i wasn't recovering just from the substance use and abuse, but from my sex and porn addiction- by far the strongest one. I was connecting to others in a more genuine way; i felt less anxious, less sex minded; i was meditating, hiking, working out, thinking clearly. Yes, i was substance free, but more importantly, i was sex and porn free.

But i didn't see it that way and when i left rehab, and once i had access to technology and a little privacy, i knew exactly what i wanted.  I've been PMO'ing non stop since 2007, through a couple failed relationship attempts, graduate and post graduate studies, three years of psychotherapy, and glimpses of desperation and reaching out to SAA and SLAA, but not sticking to it because the meeting were too far. 

This is, as it is for you, my most difficult (and destructive) addition by a lot.  I have accomplished a lot professionally and personally in the last seven years, but my soul and spirit have never felt so devastated.  Sex and porn addiction is like one of those parasitic wasps that eat their host from the inside out while the host goes on about its business, until the wasps bursts out and leaves behind nothing but the hosts carcass.

I am copying and posting on my own thread as this became so personal. But my initial reason to post on yours was to concur with you in that this is not an addiction to take lightly- i guess i made my case    Besides, you're the one that recommended me to remember what i am recovering through this process when deciding what to allow or not allow myself to do when it comes to PMO.  Thnak you for your suggestion 

 

[RedClef88]

  Day 5 is coming to a close and I'm starting to gain some clean confidence.
One big thing I recognized in my first porn-free stint was how my perception of women changed. I slowly stopped objectifying. I used to only see body parts or imagined engaging in sexual acts. That is very unfair. I can understand why some women are just stone-cold to men. I can only imagine how many ridiculous sexual advances it would take to sour there hopes on healthy interactions.
  But, I'm not here to analyze women. I'm here to open up, figure out my way through this dense forest and support others.
  PMO has always been the easiest way for me to get a dopamine rush without the risk of all the difficulties involved with an actual human being. Ha! How lazy of me. Women and relationships have always been a juggernaut for me. Yet I've realized that my ex-girlfriends weren't necessarily the only 'psycho' ones in the relationship.
  Geez. If I could only stay on one topic. Regardless, another healthy, shame-free day.
-One Day at a Time-