Relapse

[tigre0077]

Here's my story...

I was a functioning porn addict from the time I was 14 until when I was 27, when I met a girl that I really liked.  I liked her so much that I became disgusted with porn and found the willpower to leave it behind.  I left porn for 7 months.  During that time, her and I were in a relationship.  We had amazing sex, things were great.  However, she cheated on me and the relationship fell apart.  Due to the stress of this, I immediately gravitated back to porn.  I held off for a good month, but I finally caved in.  I have become addicted to Chaturbate.  Any advice on how I can leave this behind?  I don't want to reveal my real name, but you guys can call me Alex.  I am posting this because this is not the type of lifestyle I want.  I know that this has a negative impact on my relationships with women and intimacy.  I need help!  I'm hoping you guys hold me accountable, and I'm writing this and declaring this in a forum because I really want to eliminate porn from my life!

 

[Mbg]

Welcome Alex!

Rather than just give you advice I would like to explain my situation and what has helped me.  Much like you, my sexual behavior was conflicting with the person I wanted to be.  I was compulsively using porn and masturbating at work and hiding it from everyone including the ones I love.  My efforts to control or limit my behavior never actually worked and I always fell back into the addictive cycle.  I finally gave in and admitted that I could not do this on my own and I needed help.  My first step was getting on this forum.  For the first time I could share my story with others who also suffer with addiction or with compulsive behavior.  I found out that I wasn't alone.  This step however was not enough.  I struggled in the beginning with maintaining sobriety for any significant length of time.  What has been the biggest help for me is going to Sex Addicts Anonymous.  At the core, it encourages one to admit that they are powerless to their addiction and could no longer manage their life.  It took me a while to admit this powerlessness but since I have I have remained entirely porn and masturbation free for close to 90 days... For some, recovery simply by staying active on this forum is enough.  For me, it was not. 

Just a little advice, I encourage you to learn all you can about porn and sex addiction.  Figure out which avenues will work best for you and start down the path to recovery.  It won't be easy and urges will be strong but I encourage you to find out what triggers you and you might be surprised to find that many things trigger an promote addictive behavior.  Also, put up barriers and protect yourself from these triggers (tv, movies, facebook, feelings such as loniless, hunger, anger, etc).  I hope the best for you.  Remember, take it one day at time.  You don't have to be sober forever, just today.  Tomorrow is another day.  Best of luck!

 

[tigre0077]

Thanks!  Honestly coming here helps me remember why I don't want to PMO, and the support here is amazing. I thought about getting therapy, but I know that in therapy they will suggest XYZ but the person has to be determined.  I was able to do this once, so my reasoning is I can do it again.  I try to think about how happy and accomplished I will feel if I don't PMO, and that helps.  I think that PMO is just a side effect of a lack of self control, with a big attraction (porn).  It is a biological need, and if we are unsatisfied in our sexual lives porn often fills that void.  Why? Because you can get what you want with porn.  Sex isn't always that easy because it takes 2. Problem is, the deeper one delves into a porn addiction, the more difficult it becomes to have meaningful sex with a partner.  I'm done with porn!!

 

[Mbg]

I agree.  For me, my sex/porn addiction was merely a surface response to much deeper depression and underlying character defects.  My self-centeredness perpetuated my addiction, in my addiction it was always about myself.  I tend to believe that all addicts, whatever the drug, are narcissistic. 

 

[tigre0077]

Interesting... I don't consider myself to be a full blown narcissist.  I do have empathy and feelings.  However, I think that underneath that I feel that I am superior to most others.  I expect people to recognize my talents and achievements and praise them.  I tend to be drawn to chaotic borderline women.  I never thought of it that way, but you're right.  It's a selfish act.

 

[tigre0077]

So far I'm one day PMO and I feel good.  This site has really helped!

 

[Mbg]

So far I'm one day PMO and I feel good.  This site has really helped!

Just remember, one day at a time.  And when times get tough, one hour at a time or one minute at a time. 

 

[Mbg]

Interesting... I don't consider myself to be a full blown narcissist.  I do have empathy and feelings.  However, I think that underneath that I feel that I am superior to most others.  I expect people to recognize my talents and achievements and praise them.  I tend to be drawn to chaotic borderline women.  I never thought of it that way, but you're right.  It's a selfish act.

I wasn't implying that anyone was a "full-blown narcissist", but the disease of addiction seems to manifest in individuals who have some self-centered characteristics.  In my addiction, I was convinced I was not harming anyone else.  I was medicating myself or nurturing myself.  When I was in my addiction it was really all about me.  I lead a double life and my secret was mine to keep.  Me, mine, my, etc.  I shouldn't speak to others stories of addiction but in the reading I've done, the addicts I've encountered, and the stories I've read on here I see narcissistic tendencies often.  For me, it was subtle.  I was set in my ways and had a good thing going.  I was in a bubble, in a surreality, where my addiction could do no harm.  Then after I would masturbate the bubble would pop and reality would sink in.  I would feel awful and shameful and the only way I knew to ease this shame was to masturbate again.  My porn use had severe consequences as it was usually done at work, in public places, the risks were great but the addiction was greater.  This may not be the case for all addicts but I only encourage anyone struggling with porn addiction to look deeply at themselves.