Ending my 12 year struggle with porn


New Member
Hi, I'm Chris. My first experience with porn was from a magazine my nanny masturbated to in front of me when I was 8 years old.I was curious and shamed to see her do that.I realized it was something taboo and from then onwards, I always sneaked into her room to look at those images thrilled, not sexually-but by the illicit feeling an 8 year old gets by looking at naked bodies doing these...strange things to each other. Well, I got addicted to the thrill and it was all fun and games till I hit puberty and discovered masturbation.I was instantly hooked and consumed porn copiously all through my teens.

About nine years ago, as a sophomore in college, I tried quitting pornography and masturbation when I realized that I could only go out on dates and be confident around women when I hadn?t masturbated or watched porn for over a week. Desperately wanting to date more women and get into a relationship, I experimented with abstaining from pornography for longer and longer periods. It worked, till I made a decision quit it completely. To my dismay, I couldn?t. Six years later I was still trying. Each time I failed myself, I could feel my low self esteem digging its roots deeper and deeper into my psyche.
Needless to day, my college dating experience was terrible. Longs nights of striking out ended consistently with me going online for my fix. As I experimented with drugs and alcohol, I got deeper into my addiction, requiring more and more bizzare scenes and niches of porn to satisfy my dulled senses. I read every book I could find on quitting, got counseling, confessed at church(yes,I was a Catholic) Masturbation and pornography became as common to me as taking a leak. Work, school, church, a friends house, now where was off limits. Whenever I felt stressed or let down, I knew I could count on a quick fap session to set me straight.
When I graduated and got a fulltime job at a prestigious communications firm, porn followed me. By this time, I was only sporadically trying to quit and had more or less come to terms with living with porn. Shortly after landing a job, I got into a relationship with a smart, funny and beautiful woman. As sex became routine for me, the true ramifications of my ?porn hobby? came to light. I began to see flaws in my girlfriend whom, when I first met was one of the most attractive women I?d ever been with sexually. Little imperfections were regularly under the magnifying glass of my porn trained mind. Everything snowballed from there and before I knew it, I was in bed with another woman performing the very same acts I had viewed on some website. When I came and the exhilaration of illicit sex had passed, I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. Nevertheless, I continued with this philandering behavior till I was almost murdered one night while trying to solicit anonymous sex.That was my wake up call. I knew I had crossed the line into full blown addiction and maybe even sex addiction. I resolved there and then to quit pornography for the last time.
There's a quote floating out there that says ?anyone who says pornography addiction does exist, hasn?t tried quitting.? Altogether, it took me eleven years of quitting and relapsing to understand porn addiction, come to terms with it and eliminate it from my life.  I discover a I had already lost so much inside me ,that I couldn?t bear to lose those close to me by revealing my debilitating condition. I resolved that I would apply EVERYTHING  I had learned in eleven years of struggling to quit in 30 days. There was no reboot, no technique, just a firm desire and a day by day mental plan that I followed.

Quitting pornography for a lot of men, in the long run, is a lifestyle decision. Personally, it has been one of the greatest challenges and yet one of  the most fulfilling experiences of my life. Perhaps it will be the same for you.I have been porn and masturbation free for five years now.


Respected Member
Great story Chris. I agree my first 30 days (now on day 35) were almost planned down the minute. For me porn is no longe an option. Once I'd made this decision, there was no going back...ever. I'd be interested to read how your life has changed and improved since quitting. Thanks again.