Just realized my issue and starting out now - my story

[jstatca]

I've had my "ups and downs" since I first started masturbating but that didn't start til relatively later in life at 23. Before I got circumcised I couldn't really masturbate as my foreskin would not fully retract. Soon thereafter, I started and I got off on the wrong foot literally.

I have a foot tickling fetish since I was a kid, and after I got circumcised all I did was look at tickling sites especially ones that showed women's feet tickled. I especially looked at those with nylons and/or black women as those type of feet are more appealing to me. I masturbated 2-3x/day to that, and sometimes I wouldn't even need to get fully erect to ejaculate.

With all my girlfriends, because they're not into that, my erections would go up and down like a teeter totter. Many times I failed to stay hard, and those times I didn't sex felt more like work because I couldn't get off on them without fantasizing about tickling their feet. There have only been a few times in my life where sex actually felt good. I've felt lots of shame and embarrassment about it and have tried to stop on and off for 20 years to no success - till now hopefully!

Ever since I learned about PIED 10 days ago, I got onto this site, and have not masturbated for the past 4 days and counting. I'm very attracted to women and am slowly realizing and accepting that pussy and other parts such as kissing and their whole body (not just their feet) can be just as erotic and pleasing.

At my current age of 44 I don't know if I'll ever get back to normal but I know physically I'm fine as my blood flow and testosterone levels are in the normal range.

I'm single and I'm hesitant to meet or date anyone else because I might fail in bed as I usually do so typing this and reaching out is my last chance to resurrect the opportunity for a real chance at a normal and healthy relationship.

Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Much thanks!

 

[fcjl8]

Welcome,

This forum has many helpful fellows that have experienced many aspects of PMO addiction in all varieties.

Getting some progress in recovery gives you a great opportunity to enjoy that healthy relationship! Give yourself a fair chance at this! Be patient!

 

[jstatca]

Thanks very much fcjl8 - really appreciate the support and advice!

Hope all is well...

 

[Jverhoye]

Welcome!  You are in good company.  Stay engaged in the Forum and I encourage you to read the beginnings of others' journals.  There are some great success stories here!  Again, welcome!

 

[jstatca]

Thank you Jverhoye - will do!

 

[jstatca]

I'm almost a week PMO free and I'm feeling somewhat empowered! I'm doing my best to resist the temptation. Reading supportive messages and other people's experiences is very helpful. I even think I might start dating again to get more accustomed to female f2f arousal.

I know I have lots of work to do and I'll try to remind myself to be patient, so I wanted to post to the forum to help me keep on track. I wish I knew about this support group sooner. I felt I had the answers in my head at various times but it wasn't until I saw the people and support that it really dawned on me what I had and what I needed to do conclusively and decisively.

Thanks very much to everyone - i look forward to reading and definitely writing more posts!

 

[Viper]

Welcome!  You are in good company.  Stay engaged in the Forum and I encourage you to read the beginnings of others' journals.  There are some great success stories here!  Again, welcome!

what he said-

 

[jstatca]

Thanks viper -appreciate the few but kind words

So I have done just over a week free of PMO - and I'm somewhat happy. I know there is a long way to go but this first mini step is good. Now to make it into a second week as my next mini -step.

I'll add another reflection here to keep the momentum going:

a) I feel I might be 'edging.' Not sure exactly what that means but I think it is when you slowly move in the PMO direction i.e., look at pictures of women or start touching yourself, etc. I have been fondling myself every now and then but nothing to the point of erection or M'ing. I'm trying to stop that. Looking at this site and reading the posts helps me, which is probably why I'm typing this message now!
b) I go to a lot of online dating sites and look at pictures of women for an hour or two. I don't fantasize about them but I think this may be a form of edging!
c) I have a date tomorrow night - it's liking going to involve dancing (latin) so there will likely be some contact - am wondering if anything 'down there' will react or if it will continue to be numb-like like it has been without PMOing in the past?

Really grateful and thankful for this site and other people's stories - it is very inspirational and it seems to be helping quite a bit.

Good luck to everyone! Let's keep this going!!!!!

 

[Viper]

I usually write a lot but I have to hold myself back from time to time.
May I ask if you see any correlation between porn and dating sites?

I'm well aware that you're single and you got to do what you got to do.
But in the spirit of rebooting and conquering porn addiction, I want
to read your thoughts on that.

 

[jstatca]

Sure Viper,

I'm trying to take my mind off my fetish related PMO. I know it may seem initially contradictory going on dating sites and spending an hour or two on them but I've found so far that I don't get those urges. Rather, I lose myself in reading profiles, responding and messaging others, and making plans on going out and doing fun things. I don't get urges looking at mostly faces of various women to PMO. I know it's a bit of risk but I think the key is to take your mind off of tempting things and so long as I'm not bored or feeling lonely than for the most part I'm in good shape when it comes to PMO temptation. I'm hopeful that I can start dating again soon, and having extra motivation to stop so I can have normal relations again with a wonderful woman or some great and fun experiences with a number of them.

I also feel to go against the grain with video games and the like. Everyone needs to do things that they enjoy and if video games are that enjoyment then I say go for it. Everything should be in moderation regardless if its reading, working, video games or other and I think we have to figure out what moderation for us that is healthy.

Thanks for the follow up. I hope this makes sense and would welcome your and others thoughts in case you think I'm off on the wrong road.

Thanks!

 

[Jverhoye]

I think finding healthy things we enjoy is hugely important.  As for dating sites, you'll know if it becomes problematic for you, and if it does , then you can reevaluate.  Just be careful.  It's fulfilling a need of some kind.  To me what would be interesting is to ask yourself what that need is and give that some healthy self analysis.  Just a thought...

 

[jstatca]

Thanks for that Jverhoye - I will! I have some initial thoughts but I'll think about it some more and then post back in a day or two. I hope to keep the positive momentum going.

Let's see how the date goes tomorrow....

Thanks again guys

 

[Viper]

Have fun on your date.
Just out of curiosity, was it her idea to do the dancing thing on first date?

 

[jstatca]

Hey Viper, I gave her a couple of options from coffee/drink to movie to dancing. Reason I mentioned the dancing option was I can hold my own on the dance floor with the latin beats and I thought it would be fun/interactive for a first date. I've a had a few dates in the recent past where it was dry and boring so I thought this would at least spice things up a bit and even if we didn't hit it off we can still have a fun evening.

I also figure as long as I"m not PMO'ing I should be getting more closer to women and learning to rewire my brain with their touch and smell in a cool environment.

I dunno maybe I'm going about things the wrong way but that's what I know to do for fun and I don't usually get my fetish fantasy occurring in that environment....I guess we'll see.

If you have any advice, by all means, let me know..


Thanks man

 

[Jverhoye]

Have fun on the date!  You deserve it!

 

[jstatca]

Yeah man - we all do!

Cheers to us ;D

 

[Viper]

Glad you asked. I'll be happy to break it down for you.
But I'm gonna spare the readers my soapbox on this subject so you will get a message from me.
I have some aptitude in this arena.

 

[jstatca]

Thanks Viper. I replied to your message in my inbox but don't know if it got sent or not - let me know.

Either way, for everyone else reading this, I had a good first date with the girl I met online. We had one slow dance and I felt semi-aroused but still feels kinda dead down there. It was nice though focusing on a real woman and looking into her eyes and seeing her beautiful facial features. Didn't even think of my fetish all night. All in all there was some chemistry there and we're gonna have a second date - lunch this time - over the weekend, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm starting to think that if we do start dating that I'm gonna tell her that we should hold off on sex for a little. I'll probably lie and say cause I just want to get to know her first but really I'm thinking that I'll need at least 2-3 months of PMO free living and thinking before I think I can explore a sexual relationship again. I just don't want to fail in bed again you know?

Cheers to us!

 

[Viper]

Can't blame you for delaying access to the sugar walls.
I'm thinking if the two of you escalate to making out heavy, you'll have to gauge how hard
the pipe is.
I'm beginning to think that's the ultimate confidence booster. You can't go in balls deep with
a semi stiffy. I'm interested to know how this develops.

 

[jstatca]

You and me both Viper haha!

My last girlfriend I did get a hard on making out with her in the car (when I felt that we weren't going to have sex that night cause it was either our first date or the time wasn't right) but then when I'd make out with her at my place or when I knew sex was on the menu I couldn't get it up at all! She'd give me a BJ and/or handjob and it would get up, but got right back down once stopped within 30 seconds, and to be honest, it didn't feel amazing or that great, I was just really trying to be the man because she was amazing looking - really sexy!

Oh well, she stuck around for 2 failed launches and then that was it - she moved on as there was a bit of an age difference between the two of us (21 years) and she just wanted a short term fling as we were both very attracted to each other. Guess when sex wasn't gonna happen to her liking there was no further reason to stay. Risk I always take in my situation.

This is why I really want to get better, I should be enjoying myself and having lots of fun and intimacy with lovely ladies or ideally a lovely lady, whichever comes first lol!

Thanks for reading...