New to this: 90 days challenge

[nD86]

Hey, let me introduce myself. I'm a 28 year old guy, studying to become a high school teacher.

A friend introduced me to a "nofap" video on YouTube, and the guy talking struck a chord. I wouldn't say I am addicted to PMO; it has been a bigger part of my life in the past. I have a number of personal growth projects - set myself high personal standards (which I don't always live up to), and I have found that as I grow as a person, my need for porn diminishes. It is at a point where I would say I use it maybe once a week; twice at tops. Thing is, I have known for some time it is not something I should do...

PMO has become a methodical, somewhat melancholy activity. It's like the force created by the understanding of its negative side has become stronger than the force of that used to be my motivation, but I still do it, robotically. Every now and again, a quick "let's get it over with" release - knowing full well what how I will feel afterwards. It used to be a big issue: a big personal struggle: "why do I it knowing the ethical implications, knowing how empty it makes me feel?" There was a lot of guilt and shame. Now there's more acceptance. I get my shot, in-and-out, and I wrap up. No hours of searching, no particular preferences...

I feel like I am at a cutting point. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I don't need the control it used to give me; I don't need its reassurance anymore. I am not interested in the superficial, fleeting connections it provides, can barely even find anything I find remotely interesting when I browse, but I find myself struggling against the neural coding of fifteen years of habit. Put simply, it's a habit. Just something I "could do" when I have a moment, and I realize I haven't in a couple of days. "Hey, it's out there - it's for free, right? Why not?" I stuff my face with food, smoke from time to time, drink; this is just another one of those things you get to allow yourself to do every once in a while; a quick dopamine boost.

So... a cutting point. I feel like I am close to stopping entirely; like it's continued existence in my life has become an absurdity. By continuing, I invite absurdity in my life; I invite a divide into my personality. Enough with the methodical release every few days. This site has shown me that there is a different way, and that there are others expressing ideas I have always intuited and at times expressed, but lacked the willpower to actively pursue.

I start today. 90 days. Sex, fine - PMO off-limits. Goal: a post a week - a bit of a log - but knowing me, there will always be psychobabble undertones.

Started! Boom!

 

[cutty]

Hey Bro. I started today also after just finding this site. If you've read the accountability partner thing http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=359.0 then you know that it might be best to have someone to bounce ideas and feelings off of. Let me know what you think. I could use someone to talk to that i know I can trust but can also remain completely anonymous with. We seem to have similar goals in place and also the same sort of issues in the past. Let me know what you think my journal page is http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2650.0

 

[nD86]

Day 3.

I'm starting to realize what a draining effect PMO has had on my life. Giving away my sexual energy to anonymous internet transactions. Growing uncomfortable with the realities of normal social interactions; the guilt. The guilt.

I am ready to break this connection. I am grateful I have found this site and this forum. It helps me to know I am not in this alone; that there are others out there who see PMO for what it really is: clogging up our sexuality, our roots, our sense of home.

PMO has made me into someone I don't want to be. My mind is polluted, but more and more, I have learned to observe. I am no longer adding to the pollution. What remains are remnants of an old lifestyle. A lifestyle I thought, like many others, was normal, but always knew, wasn't.

I am excited to break with this habit.

 

[nD86]

Day 5.

It's nearing that point now where usually I start to feel it's about time to "get active" - I'm sure you know what I mean.

I cannot say that I have been triggered or tested a lot lately. Like I said in my first post, PMO had become a methodical, melancholy activity for me. The last time I PMO'd I had such a strong sense of ridiculousness. Not the heart-wrenching existential line of questioning of old that always came after the act, but an internal dialogue before, during and after the act, yet still, despite knowing what the outcome would be, and not really enjoying the process because of this inward conversation, the act. In the end, I just accepted it was something I had to do and got it over with. A done deed, and not thought of much afterwards.

At least I can say that this is a more positive attitude towards PMO than all the pressure and anxiety it used to cause me. I absolutely know it's not healthy, and it makes me feel like a fraud, but I don't hate myself for it anymore. I'm glad I don't. But because of that, I am in a different place emotionally. If you don't enjoy something - more accurately, are bored with it - yet continue only out of force of habit, what does that make you? At least when the act was somewhat pleasurable for me, there was some justification for doing it. Now it's just full blown weirdness.

Anyway, I know there will be harder times than this; testing times. 90 days is no piece of cake. I'm confident though that I can pull it off, but it'll get much harder physically, before it gets easier. I went ten days once a few years ago on my own accord, and after that, just about anything even the slightest bit sexual would have me heating up. I guess I'll post again when I hit 10. Seems like a good point for an update.

Plan to do some research tonight. I haven't really done so much yet, and I think it'll be a good way for me to deepen my motivational foundation.

 

[nD86]

Day 8.

Had a bit of a tough day on day 7. Did a shift at work in a big storage facility and there was this nineteen year old girl looking far too good. I'm 28, so I consider nineteen off-limits, but that doesn't stop you fantasising - which, having gotten home, often leads to PMO. Having read some posts by people on the forum, I nipped the fantasies in the bud and kept my mind on the work as much as possible.

Anyway, I got home and I didn't act on it. Having set a goal and keeping this journal are a big help.

I want to experience life without PMO. It has been the largest contributor to my social anxiety and awkwardness. I mean, how could you be relaxed and at ease around women when you engage in PMO when you're alone. It's all so seedy and dishonest. I'm stoked to give up this double life. I get these glimpses of what my life could be like, and it looks good!

No major reboot symptoms, but I wasn't very active PMO-wise, so maybe there won't be any. Who knows.

 

[nD86]

Day 10.

I slipped up at day 9. Yesterday, I listened to a P-ish audio recording. I told myself, it wasn't the same as P, but I knew in my heart that it was. Anyway, I had enough control not to O and felt more assured of my sexuality later. I didn't want to create a post about this earlier; honesty is the only way though.

I think I can give myself this break, and not consider this breaking with the reboot. I have learned my lesson: any type of artificial stimulant is off-limits.

 

[nD86]

Day 11

Slipped up - MO'd, but no P. Day 10 / 11 was about testing the waters. Broke my P vow on day 10, but not in a big way. I haven't counted it, because I know it's only me exploring the boundaries of P, and afterwards, it was crystal clear that P-related audio - despite the lack of sexual images - is P nonetheless. Haven't counted the MO either. Again, it's me testing what is okay and what is not. I'm not convinced a complete lack of MO is absolutely necessary for me. Like I have said in earlier posts, I am not coming off an extreme addiction - so to cut it out completely may not be a requirement. I think it is about mindset though. I felt like I was doing everything aside from P. If I can find a way to MO in a healthy manner, I may change my counter to P only. There is a big danger here though that it becomes a gateway to P. It has definitely been that way in the past, so at the moment it is easier just not to allow any form of PMO. Some of you may disagree with the fact that I am not counting it. This is my own process though and I am increasing my understanding of this issue in my life, so I feel like these are healthy steps, and resetting my counter would just be unnecessarily rigid and destructive for my motivation. Like I said, others may disagree, but I think this is the best way to go about it.

From now on, there will be no minor slip-ups though. No P-variations; no MO, unless I make a firm and well-considered decision to allow it into my life. I will reset my counter if I have another spur of the moment MO-session.

Day 13 - 14

I was thinking a lot about the effect of dopamine in my life. I think a lot of people on here are more focused than I am. P is the big issue, and cutting that out entirely is the solution to their dopamine-related issues. I have realised that more than P being the only issue, I have six or seven other ways in which I get that dopamine fix; P is simply one of those potential fixes, but certainly the most destructive for my self-esteem. Others are cigarettes, alcohol, unhealthy food, movies / television, and still some more I won't get into here. Any single one is not a huge problem in my life, but together they have - when left unchecked - amounted to a lifestyle of almost constant dopamine chasing. I have often been very rigid in the way that I deal with these things: either I engage in them with almost reckless abandon, or I don't engage in them at all. Needless to say, I max out at about three or four days each time. That's about as far as my willpower can take me without a fix. I am learning how to deal with these things in my life. It's abundantly clear to me that it is not just P though, but a disruption related to dopamine in general.

Day 15

Went clubbing with some friends yesterday. It has been a while. Started chatting to a girl outside while smoking. I made a move, we kissed, one thing led to another and she spent the night at my house. It was wild. This would have never happened if I was still using P. The insecurity around women is starting to lift. Becoming much more assured about my sexuality. Good times.

 

[nD86]

Day 19

Made a decision. MO is not the issue; P is. Decided I will grant myself the occasional MO, but only if it comes from a healthy place. I won't engage in it if I notice I am using it as a coping mechanism; to vent frustration, feelings of powerlessness, for example. If I plan it in advance, and it is done in a wholesome way, I think it can deepen my sexuality. Don't think I will be able to for a while though. Still depend on the visual stimulation too much to be able to enjoy a P-less solo session at the moment. Hopefully that will change.

Day 20

Met up with the girl I had a night with on Wednesday last week. It was, again, amazing. I have always enjoyed sex, but knowing that I am no longer a P-user - that it is just the real deal for me from now on and nothing else - has really deepened my appreciation of female beauty. Still feels like it's shifting though. There are moments during sex when I feel disconnected from the experience; like I'm not truly there. I have also struggled with an inflated ego of late, which has made me act out in an arrogant way with the people I care about. I guess I'm just getting used to the fact that my mojo is coming back. Getting so much more attention from women, it's crazy. So much more confident in my appearance and interactions with women; like a different person. This may sound awfully floaty, but for the first time I feel like I am growing out of boyhood and into a man. Good times.

I know I'm just coming into this, but so far the impact on my life has been nothing short of phenomenal. Best decision I ever made to commit to this and join this forum. Wish all the best to all you other troopers out there and go strong.

 

[nD86]

Day 23.

Christmas. Rough time. Discovered how feelings of frustration and emotional overwhelm and low self-image caused by my family are big triggers for me. Managed to refrain. Everything feels bad at the moment, but tomorrow I will wake up with another day under my belt.

 

[Fappy]

Great work mate, nice journal writing. Yeah you can really see the fucked up effect porn has had on your brain. Scary really.
Stay strong and stay sexy!
And DONT jerk off in public if you can.

 

[nD86]

Thanks, Fappy. It's much appreciated.

Yeah, I suppose you can say it has had a fucked up effect on my brain. I hope it's clear though my family themselves are not the trigger (that would be too messed up), but rather all the emotional turbulence that they cause. It feels good not to act out and escape that emotional turbulence, but ride the waves instead. It requires me to think of new, more wholesome ways to work with my emotions instead of just running away from them temporarily, and finding myself in the same exact situation the next day - just that little bit worse off and further removed from myself.

 

[nD86]

Day 25

My self-esteem is in the dumps.

Yesterday - Christmas - I had an angry and a jealous day. My stepbrother (eight years my senior) is Mr. Perfect in my parents' eyes - especially my slightly autistic stepfather. Me, on the other hand, can't do anything right. I can easily beat my stepfather in any discussion, but it is a huge downer to have someone senior around who has such a big axe to grind with you, and is constantly trying to get you down. At the end of the day (see previous entry) I started to feel the urge. I didn't act on it though. It would just put me in a really bad place. Now I'm confronted with the family situation; if I acted on the PMO urge I'd be so down and defeated about that, that I'd be one big step removed from the family situation. Bad for my self-esteem, bad for my focus, bad for everything basically.

Today, I had a major blow-up with my sister. Like most people in my immediate family, she treats me like a self-centred, petulant child (which, c'est la vie, I often become around my family - which is pretty much the only time I see sister). Fast forward three hours and I'm having a blow-up with one of my best friends, who, for the second night running has cancelled on my only and temporary escape (a beer and a cigarette at his house) near where I am staying with my family. He is becoming a very difficult person to rely on; makes plans but is in the habit of cancelling last minute, while he knows I am having a tough time with the family.

Anyway, the whole thing has got me feeling shit about myself. It seems like so many of the people I have in my life are impossible to communicate with, or I have gotten into such deep and unhealthy relationship patterns that spending time / talking with them just seems to revert into the same old shitstorm every time. I am truly very tired with the whole thing.

But hey, I didn't PMO, so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

 

[nD86]

Day 29

The whole of last week was rough. The emotional turbulence of being around family made me crave a release for much of the week.

I have been seeing this girl over the past few weeks after we hooked up at a night out. At eighteen, she's very young for me (I'm twenty-eight), but at the moment, I just can't stop myself. She's very wild and willing between the sheets; cannot get enough, which suits me just fine at the moment. Knowing that we would meet up later in the week had me feeling like a bull in heat.

On the one hand, I feel like it's a step in the right direction to be having steady sex again instead of seedy solo-sessions, jacking it to moving images of girls I don't know and probably wouldn't find appealing in any other way than their bodies if they were real. I mean, at least my sexual energy is being spent where nature intended it to be spent, so there's none of that "what the f*ck did I just do?" type of stuff that P brings out. On the other, an eighteen year old girl with a twenty-eight year old guy seems almost like a porn reenactment. I mean, she's cute and enjoyable company outside of sex too, but lacks any of the depth of personality and  life experience I feel I should be going for in a woman. Am I kidding myself that she is appealing to me in any other way than her body because I want the steady sex? My sex life, so often, seems to centre around women who I am certain I can impress; low risk - same as porn; little real emotional connection - same as porn.

I don't quite know what to make of it at the moment. Guess I'll update later.

 

[nD86]

Day 32

More than a month off P now - I'm pretty stoked. I cannot say my life has radically changed yet, but there are certainly a lot of changes in progress. I think being P-free has given me more energy in certain ways and made me more assertive in others. I broke off an old friendship a few days ago - well, suggested a 6-month break - which I don't think I would have done had I been PMO-ing. Being P-free has set a lot of balls rolling for me socially. I am clearer what my emotional wants and needs are and taking steps more actively to improve my social life.

I don't believe quitting P will radically turn my life around. Definitely though, it is changing my life in positive ways, something I am very grateful for.

A lot of intimacy issues have been coming up of late. I think holding back from intimacy also lies at the root of this problem for me.

Anyway, just wanted to report that I'm still going strong. Things are a little easier now that the festive period is over.

 

[nD86]

I have started another challenge - no more hot showers. In other words, cold showers from now on. Ten days is the aim for now.

I have been reading a lot of good things about it and think it ties in with breaking the P habit.

 

[nD86]

Day 34

To be frank, I don't really know why I'm writing this journal entry. I guess I want to keep up the good habit, but there's nothing really happening on the P-front. The desire to look at it has severely diminished; in fact, I feel repulsed by the idea of engaging in PMO. Maybe the space created by the fact that I haven't for longer than I can remember has allowed me to reflect on my true feelings about it. I've known for some time it's something I shouldn't be engaging in, but there's none of the self-condemnation wrapped up in there, complicating matters emotionally, because I no longer am.

I don't want to make any grand claims and say this is all over now.

Something I've struggled with a lot in the past is negative, bluesy moods. I wouldn't call it a depression; more bluesy because I felt so out of control; at the whims of my dopamine-craving brain. That's settling down now. Big triggers for me used to be strong emotions on either side of the spectrum: elation / exuberance, but also sadness / depressive feelings. That, and boredom; that was a big one too. Now, I'm just sort of moving through these emotions in a different way. I feel quite drained at the moment (spent a long day behind the computer doing work for university), which used to get me feeling like I'd deserved some kind of reward. It's like now I'm more okay with being in a drained sort of emotional state. It's there - so be it - it'll end, and I'll feel different again tomorrow.

On a sidenote, I have been uncharacteristically productive over the weekend. Two full days of academic work. Usually, I'd get so worked up with anxiety over having so much to do that I'd jerk one out, doubling or tripling the anxiety and angst within a few minutes. I think the cold showers are really helping with that too. I know this isn't stricly a PMO-related challenge, but there are enough links in my life for me to be able to justify having it in there as a challenge. I guess someone reading this might feel like it's a stretch to link the two so strongly. I don't think it is. I think taking cold showers (it absolutely sucks to do but has you feeling amazing and energetic afterwards) is pretty much the opposite of what PMO is (short-term gratification that wrecks your energy levels and emotional comfort).

 

[nD86]

Day 40

Going strong. Haven't really felt much desire to engage in pornography. I have been discussing my situation with my therapist, and we both agree that stopping pornography has made me clearer about the other issues in my life. P, for me, is escapism; it inserted an element of control in my life in situations where I felt emotionally out of control.

A lot of angsty emotions have come up of late. I've had moments where I've felt weepy for what seems like no reason whatsoever. Luckily, I have enough self-control to only let go in situations where I feel absolutely comfortable doing so.

I'm still struggling with intimacy. For more than ten years now, I've suffered from halitophobia - an irritational fear of having bad breath. It has been detrimental to my social life, and the more insecure and defeated it made me feel, the stronger my gravitation towards P. The girl I'm seeing now has no difficulties with being close to me, but I still find it quite difficult to do; am always afraid she will "discover" that I have bad breath - definitely quite paranoid. Anyways, I am working on this too, and the next step is to open up to her about this issue in my life. I am scared about doing that though, opening up like this; don't really want to let down my mask for fear of condemnation; prefer to keep up appearances and exercise all manners of avoidance behaviour. P was always a coping mechanism to deal with the intensity of emotions that feeling worthless had me feeling. It's odd - for someone who is so verbally open about so many areas of his life, I have real difficulties actually allowing situations to really reach me. It's like rationalising my situation, by analysing excessively, is yet another way to cope with being too afraid to actually confront my fears and be intimate with the people in my life. It disconnects me from the terrifying knowledge that others can bring out intense emotions in me; it makes me feel weak and at the mercy of others.

 

[nD86]

Day 49

Still solid. I'm getting that "this is no longer an issue feeling," which means I should be one the lookout for a slip-up. I don't want to though. Lately, I haven't thought about P much at all.

My mind is, I think, "back to normal." It's not constantly bombarding me with sexual images in situations. I have become more relaxed around women because of it. It's also easier to verbalise my thoughts because there isn't that layer of shame and guilt making everything I say feel fake because all I can really think is what a perve I am.

Lots of other stuff going on in my life. It's a great feeling to think I can overcome this nonsense. Definitely more confident overall.

 

[nD86]

So....

I made it to 90 days, and fapped.

I don't know. My brain did a number on me. Since I stopped posting actively on this site, porn felt like it had gone away. Over the past couple of weeks though, I've been feeling this urge. It started off with trying to find ways to excuse fapping in some shape or form. For three months, I had a girl I was seeing and fapping really wasn't on my mind. We ended it, and suddenly I'm without sex, which, when you've been getting it regularly for a couple of months, really blows.

So here I was, looking for ways to release - p-free, in a sense, but not really finding any. Anything I landed on - I didn't really land on much besides porn - was just a no-go: clearly P, so no... That lasted for a week or two. Then a few days ago, release nr. 1; today, release nr. 2.

I don't really feel much of anything about it now. I mean, I'm not extremely worried this is going to come back into my life; I feel I have beaten it once, I can beat it again. I just find the idea that I will never have a release like this again very challenging. 90 days was okay, posting and keeping up to date and reading things that other people were posting going through the same thing as me, but when that sort of faded a little, and the sex I was getting disappeared, well...

I don't really know where to go from here. Restart? Succeeded at 90 days; 180 days now?

I can't come to grips with the idea that this is just never going to be a thing ever again in my life. It's like the weight of forever weighs too heavily upon me.

Fapping to P was obviously the wrong choice, but I did it with full consciousness. I knew all the while what I was doing...

The experience itself was, well, disappointing. I mean, the build-up is so immense; you get this psyched feeling like it's going to be amazing, but it really isn't. It's just looking at moving pictures and releasing some kind of built up energy.

What next?