TheMonk
New Member
Hi, this is my first post on the forum.
Started porn and masturbation around 11 and continued in my teens. At the time writing i'm about to turn 19 years old. During the past two year and a half i've done countless attempts in my quest to become pornfree. I've since the past month had the feeling that "these are the last knuckles and bolts left of my porn and masturbation use" however i've relapsed during this timeframe more times than previous months. During this period i've also experienced a severe tension headache that lasted a week and half.
While i don't have anything against the act of masturbation i feel like there are negative impacts of it that affects me personally, specifically tied to masturbation to porn. After research based on: (will update with a more credible source later, right now i don't have the time to find my original source: http://www.reuniting.info/content/oxytocin-fidelity-and-sex ) i've found that solo masturbation to porn does not provoke the same bio-chemical release as sex does with a real partner, this is my main point for abstaining. Instead of promoting feelings of bounding it suppresses these feelings and invokes a space of emptiness that numbs everyday life pleasures.
In the same context pornography addiction is and endless provoker of wanting and possessing in it's way of altering dopamine responses. These are traits i don't conceive to core (read: not in my personality), and therefor want to abstain.
As my counter tells you i've "relapsed" countless of times, however these are not failures, but neither are they success or achievement. Let me explain, often talked about in terms of porn addiction is neuro-plasticity, or "the brain that changes itself", if you've seen Gary Willsons presentations you've come across this. The thing about a brains plasticity is it's power to adapt to new forms of stimulations, so be a to read or to watch pornography. This adaptation can be both a positive or a negative reinforcer (In the same way Ivan Pavlov's dog experiment back in the mid 1800's). Addiction however is a plastic brain structure that gets built up in the brain, by this very reason that "muscle" (so to speak) stays encoded in the brain. An ex-addict can thereby easily "bingie" on his/hers addiction years after abstaining it, whatever "IT" may be. This is were the brains plasticity comes back to play. As time progressed we trained a muscle that's bound to addiction, as we try to become an ex-addict we abstain from training this muscle and thereby this addiction pathway (muscle) weakens. However, and this is core, at the same time as we weaken one muscle, we train other muscles that covers up our old pathways. These newer muscles are now our focal point and these are the ones we wan't to keep trained and fit further distancing us from our old habits. However these "old habits" are there, they might be a weak muscle, however muscle's are easily trained, old patterns can therefor return in a rapid paste.
By this i would like to emphasise the point that relapsing is not something that should be taken lightly. It's neither a failure or success, but it is a setback in terms of neurological connections and how the brain wires itself.
So why do i keep "failing"? This is the more important question to me personally.
I don't believe in shame or anxiousness, these are traits i envy and despite. But this is what i've come to associate masturbation to porn with, anxiousness in terms of procrastination and delaying work that i want to get done and feel a want TO DO, but i don't. This goes back to Pavlovs dog, and classical conditioning: The easiest path is the most comfortable one. My social life in school is blossoming, however outside school it's been, in a way, like a graveyard. This is something that the act of masturbation has numbed. What you have to understand though, is that this is something i can be OK with, that is: being alone, as much as it CAN suck to be alone, it can also be the best thing in the world. However in the past few years i've never had a really close friend which is a downside to aloneness. Being alone is by me OK if you like it, however i don't think someone truly can enjoy being all alone. I for one don't and one way of filling this space is by exercising and eat healthy.
Remember failing is not failure in this context, but it is a setback. Why i do fail is due an underlying anxiousness to the result and the other side of the fence. "It feels so good to do" is what often conflicts me to spend hours clicking and searching after a picture, only leaving me empty, tired and unfocused after a session. This is an inner debate with myself, but i feel like i've hit the tipping point and come to a time to end the inner debate with myself. It's quite scary to do infact, i don't know what the result will be but that's a part of the charm of it, this is also what's been the cause to my relapses.
My longest streak to date was around a month.
A relapse for me is intentionally clicking to seek out pleasures aswell as masturbation. I do advocate nocturnal emissions and sex during the reboot, as for now though, i'm doing what you call "hardmode" which is abstaining from my hand (except cleaning) and any sexual stimulation during my "reboot". Hardmode, though, sounds "harder" than it is, at least i've found the mindset of it to be. It's not like you have sex every minute of the day when you're in a relationship, going without sex or sexual stimulation for an extended amount of time is a part of life.
This was quite a lengthy post, and it's getting late here, i would however (yes it's the 5'th time i say however (6'th)) like to leave you with some recommendations to watch and read.
Awesome Books:
The brain that changes itself - Norman Doidge
The Willpower Instinct - Kelly McGongial
The Power of Habit - Charles Duhigo
also:
Whack addicted to internet Porn - Noah B.E Church
YourBrainOnPorn - Gary Wilson
Awesome talks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTugjssqOT0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHHyt6z0osA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrkrvAUbU9Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss-fpokfn88
Pavlovs dog:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qG2SwE_6uVM
I'll keep this journal updated, whenever my brain tells me i have an urge i'll return and write a few notes down.
Stay awesome y'all reading this. You rock. (Now go outside for a walk, or at least get up from the chair and do 5 push ups!).
- I'm Kodec, and i don't do porn. Do you?
TL
R
look at my counter.
Started porn and masturbation around 11 and continued in my teens. At the time writing i'm about to turn 19 years old. During the past two year and a half i've done countless attempts in my quest to become pornfree. I've since the past month had the feeling that "these are the last knuckles and bolts left of my porn and masturbation use" however i've relapsed during this timeframe more times than previous months. During this period i've also experienced a severe tension headache that lasted a week and half.
While i don't have anything against the act of masturbation i feel like there are negative impacts of it that affects me personally, specifically tied to masturbation to porn. After research based on: (will update with a more credible source later, right now i don't have the time to find my original source: http://www.reuniting.info/content/oxytocin-fidelity-and-sex ) i've found that solo masturbation to porn does not provoke the same bio-chemical release as sex does with a real partner, this is my main point for abstaining. Instead of promoting feelings of bounding it suppresses these feelings and invokes a space of emptiness that numbs everyday life pleasures.
In the same context pornography addiction is and endless provoker of wanting and possessing in it's way of altering dopamine responses. These are traits i don't conceive to core (read: not in my personality), and therefor want to abstain.
As my counter tells you i've "relapsed" countless of times, however these are not failures, but neither are they success or achievement. Let me explain, often talked about in terms of porn addiction is neuro-plasticity, or "the brain that changes itself", if you've seen Gary Willsons presentations you've come across this. The thing about a brains plasticity is it's power to adapt to new forms of stimulations, so be a to read or to watch pornography. This adaptation can be both a positive or a negative reinforcer (In the same way Ivan Pavlov's dog experiment back in the mid 1800's). Addiction however is a plastic brain structure that gets built up in the brain, by this very reason that "muscle" (so to speak) stays encoded in the brain. An ex-addict can thereby easily "bingie" on his/hers addiction years after abstaining it, whatever "IT" may be. This is were the brains plasticity comes back to play. As time progressed we trained a muscle that's bound to addiction, as we try to become an ex-addict we abstain from training this muscle and thereby this addiction pathway (muscle) weakens. However, and this is core, at the same time as we weaken one muscle, we train other muscles that covers up our old pathways. These newer muscles are now our focal point and these are the ones we wan't to keep trained and fit further distancing us from our old habits. However these "old habits" are there, they might be a weak muscle, however muscle's are easily trained, old patterns can therefor return in a rapid paste.
By this i would like to emphasise the point that relapsing is not something that should be taken lightly. It's neither a failure or success, but it is a setback in terms of neurological connections and how the brain wires itself.
So why do i keep "failing"? This is the more important question to me personally.
I don't believe in shame or anxiousness, these are traits i envy and despite. But this is what i've come to associate masturbation to porn with, anxiousness in terms of procrastination and delaying work that i want to get done and feel a want TO DO, but i don't. This goes back to Pavlovs dog, and classical conditioning: The easiest path is the most comfortable one. My social life in school is blossoming, however outside school it's been, in a way, like a graveyard. This is something that the act of masturbation has numbed. What you have to understand though, is that this is something i can be OK with, that is: being alone, as much as it CAN suck to be alone, it can also be the best thing in the world. However in the past few years i've never had a really close friend which is a downside to aloneness. Being alone is by me OK if you like it, however i don't think someone truly can enjoy being all alone. I for one don't and one way of filling this space is by exercising and eat healthy.
Remember failing is not failure in this context, but it is a setback. Why i do fail is due an underlying anxiousness to the result and the other side of the fence. "It feels so good to do" is what often conflicts me to spend hours clicking and searching after a picture, only leaving me empty, tired and unfocused after a session. This is an inner debate with myself, but i feel like i've hit the tipping point and come to a time to end the inner debate with myself. It's quite scary to do infact, i don't know what the result will be but that's a part of the charm of it, this is also what's been the cause to my relapses.
My longest streak to date was around a month.
A relapse for me is intentionally clicking to seek out pleasures aswell as masturbation. I do advocate nocturnal emissions and sex during the reboot, as for now though, i'm doing what you call "hardmode" which is abstaining from my hand (except cleaning) and any sexual stimulation during my "reboot". Hardmode, though, sounds "harder" than it is, at least i've found the mindset of it to be. It's not like you have sex every minute of the day when you're in a relationship, going without sex or sexual stimulation for an extended amount of time is a part of life.
This was quite a lengthy post, and it's getting late here, i would however (yes it's the 5'th time i say however (6'th)) like to leave you with some recommendations to watch and read.
Awesome Books:
The brain that changes itself - Norman Doidge
The Willpower Instinct - Kelly McGongial
The Power of Habit - Charles Duhigo
also:
Whack addicted to internet Porn - Noah B.E Church
YourBrainOnPorn - Gary Wilson
Awesome talks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTugjssqOT0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHHyt6z0osA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrkrvAUbU9Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss-fpokfn88
Pavlovs dog:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qG2SwE_6uVM
I'll keep this journal updated, whenever my brain tells me i have an urge i'll return and write a few notes down.
Stay awesome y'all reading this. You rock. (Now go outside for a walk, or at least get up from the chair and do 5 push ups!).
- I'm Kodec, and i don't do porn. Do you?
TL
Rlook at my counter.