Ready to Take the Plunge and Need Accountability

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Timmah

Member
Well,  having battled this for the last 7 years or so, I'm ready to fight and get my life back.  I'm in my early 40's, married, have a beautiful family and a great job.  Somehow, I have fallen into the trap of being totally addicted to porn and sexual fantasy.  My problem is a unique one as that I spend 2 to 3 nights a week in hotels on the road working for an airline.  When I'm home I have almost no urges to look at porn whatsoever, but as soon as I get to my hotel room, and I know I have a lengthy layover, I robotically start hitting the porn.  I get a bottle of wine or a 6 pack of beer, sit down and enter the fantasy world of porn.  I've tried using blocking software on my smartphone, with some success, although I enjoy the challenge of trying to outsmart myself and crack it.  Another source is the 24 hours of unlimited porn movies on the hotel's PPV channel.  My entire day long, I have no intention of failing and bingeing on the porn, but it seems that as soon as I get into the room, I'm triggered, and become determined to get my fix, which sometimes can be an 8 hour marathon of porn videos and pictures. 
I'm disgusted with my behavior, and long to free myself from this affliction.  Every week, I promise myself that was the last time, but low and behold, the cycle repeats itself over and over.
This madness has to stop, and I am encouraged by the successes experienced by many folks on here, and am going to set a goal to complete a 90 day reboot.  I've gone a month or so porn free, but as soon as I'm back on the road I relapse, so I think a longer rewire period is in order.
Wish me luck
 
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Timmah

Member
I've been reading info and posts on this site and others all weekend. I started the cold shower 30 day challenge, started working out again, and have tried to develop my own trigger strategy based on what many others here have succeeded with, as well as what I've learned from the video series on ybop.  I've felt great all weekend and believe I can achieve victory.  Tonight is my first big test as I am going on the road and will be in a hotel alone.  That is my big trigger.  I'll report back manana.  Wish me luck.
 
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savingmysoul

Active Member
hey Timmah,

Welcome to the nation my friend -

you have come to a place that you are not alone in your struggles, a place where you can find the support you need to be successful to beat this addiction. 

You have taken a great great first step moving forward.  Each of us has the strength to conquer this within us.  We need to find it and embrace it.

Stay strong - talk to you soon.
 
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Timmah

Member
Well, I'm about a week in and am feeling great.  I had a successful night away in a hotel and didn't really trigger or feel the urge to hit the porn.  I made myself get up early and workout every day this week, and this is giving me something positive to do to replace my dopamine from a different source.  My struggle this week has been still keeping my eyes off of all the hot women I see at the airports, hotels, and around town.  This has been a big trigger for me, and although I feel like I'm averting my gaze, it could be a lot faster and more automatic, so that is my goal for the next week (aside from no PMO).  Thanks again for all the support here.  Ciao for now.
 
lyon03

lyon03

Respected Member
Wow brother! You are indeed committed. You've identified your triggers, have changed your routine to counter, and are displaying a incredibly sense of honesty/committment. I look forward to following your journey. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 
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Timmah

Member
I keep screwing up. On the road and fell BIG TIME last night.  I become an alter ego when I get to my hotel, I dont know what to do.  :(
 
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savingmysoul

Active Member
Timmah  -

keep in mind that this journey is a marathon, not a sprint.  If you start a marathon, and fall down - they don't make you go back to the beginning.  you simply get up, dust yourself off and start again from that point.  You may have fallen behind a bit, but you haven't lost the ground you have covered.

Can I ask - do you have a battle plan for these types of situations?  I see you travel often You should try to prepare in advance for what you will do (and not do) when you are faced with these situations.  I don't know all your particulars, but I have had to travel a little bit, and yes - for me traveling was a PMO opportunity.  Limit your access to the net when traveling when possible, try not to unpack your computer or tablet.  Have a plan, get to room, get some dinner, read, and bed by a certain time.  I read somewhere that simply calling the front desk to restrict your access to the adult channel can have a great affect on your ability to stay clean.  Small thing, but perhaps a little nudge from your inner self affirming your committment to stay true.

Cold shower could help too.

I would suggest that you know what you will do, schedule your time - stick to it and get to bed.  I know it sounds over simplified, but one night of success could be your spring board to the next and the next.

You aren't alone on this journey my friend - stay strong, embrace that strength.

SMS
 
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Timmah

Member
SMS, thanks for the encouraging words, I appreciate it. You asked about a "battle plan" and I guess I would say that I do have one, but I just don't follow it.  It seems that I start triggering on the way to the hotel, or even earlier if I see some attractive women at the airport (which I regularly do). Once I get to my room, I already have my routine planned and I go on "robot mode" and set up for the porn marathon.  In my mind, I have no intention of fighting it because at that point I want to act out.  I feel like an alter ego has taken over my mind. Previously, I've had luck with filters on my phone and not bringing a credit card with me to buy the PPV TV, but now I have a new problem.  My employer just issued MS tablets for work and it gives me a whole new portal to the internet and unlimited p0rn accessibility. And unfortunately, there are no blocking software programs available for the Win RT OS at this time.  I feel trapped and I don't know what to do. I can't control my behavior, and I'm kind of out of options.  I actually thought about telling my wife about this problem, which I have always thought was out of the question. I know it would break her heart, but honestly, at this point, I don't know if I can do it on my own anymore.  I may end up having to do it.  I think she might be able to provide some level of accountability that I've proven incapable of for myself.  I just feel like I'm sinking.
 
Phase2

Phase2

Well-Known Member
Somehow you have to crush that hotel trigger. If it were me, I'd make a solid plan to not get into the room until 2 minutes before I had to sleep. Or stay at a bed and breakfast where the anonymity was gone. Or lock my laptop in the car's trunk. Cold showers!! Ultimately though, you are the one that look's in the mirror everyday. I don't think you've quite said to yourself 'porn is no longer an option, ever.' You keep letting it back in with negotiation. When you really want to stop, you can do it but you have to do it for good. No more negotiation, no more letting it creep in and get a foothold in your night's plans. Keep reading yourbrainonporn.com for strategies and knowledge. You sound close to making the big decision to say no for good. Don't give up, man!
 
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Timmah

Member
Yeah, you are right about me continually letting it back in. I need to discipline myself and just try to shoot for some small victories. I usually have one long layover per week and that's when I act out. I have to find the strength to get through that 24 hours. I'm going to work on writing a plan of action for when I start getting triggered.  Thanks for the helpful advice.
 
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challenged

Active Member
Timmah said:
Once I get to my room, I already have my routine planned and I go on "robot mode" and set up for the porn marathon.  In my mind, I have no intention of fighting it because at that point I want to act out.  I feel like an alter ego has taken over my mind.
Click to expand...

I can relate to this and I think many other guys can also relate.  I think the "alter ego" is the addiction or desire for that dopamine hit.  When you have that craving, it does seem like you are a different person. Logic, reason, self-control go out the window, and it does seem like there is someone else in the control center who is operating your brain.  But it is not someone else, it is something else.

And here's the thing.  This feeling that you are not yourself and that an alter ego is in control makes you think that you will not ever be able to overcome this -- because how can you fight this habit if someone else takes control of you?  But here's the good news.  The "alter ego" needs fuel to survive.  If you can get to the point where you stop giving it fuel, it will gradually lose power, and then logic, reason and self-control will rule your brain once again.

So you're got to stop giving your brain this dopamine fix from porn (the "fuel").  It seems like, for a lot of people, it takes at least two weeks to maybe thirty days to really stop being overwhelmed by what I think you're describing as the "alter ego" effect.  And then it should  continue to diminish bit-by-bit after that, even if it is still present to some degree for some time.  But you're got to give yourself that first period where you stay away as long as you can.  Perhaps try breaking your effort up into manageable chunks, like no porn for 10 days, and then no porn for 15 or whatever.  And reduce your duration of porn when you relapse.

As SMS said, it's a marathon not a sprint.  And if you stay committed, you will find that this feeling of being controlled by an "alter ego" will diminish over time. 
 
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savingmysoul

Active Member
Hey There Timmah,

I got to agree with Phase on this one.

You need to want this - all that debating in your head, all the negotiation has got to stop - you have to want it to stop.  That is the addict voince.  Porn cannot be an option period.  I also understand that it isn't a switch, you can't just wake up shut it off and go on without any issues. 

If I may make another suggestion, something I am still building into my life - and I think it might help as well.  Part of your battle plan.

Do you have a morning routine?  Do you get up every morning and go through the same steps?  Excercise, meditation, yoga, journaling - a smoothie - whatever you want to in your morning I would suggest you set something up.  Committing to a morning rountine allows you to focus, allows you to think about how you want the day before to unfold.  I do believe that there is strength to be gained here.  To be honest, I am not a morning person so this is proving difficult for me to be consistent - but I am trying.  Days when I do get up, and think about my day what I wish to do, what I know I will not do - I do feel strengthened and ready to meet the day.  On days when I don't - I am not as productive (still sober!).  This is the period of the day when repeating to yourself that porn is not an option will have the most meaning, give you the strength you need.  Review that battle plan.

This is not easy, we all know that - but  you can be successful, you can silence that alter ego, take control back.

You can do this my brother.

Stay strong -

SMS
 
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Timmah

Member
Great advice, thanks guys.  I'm working on a defensive battle plan to have in place when I start to trigger.  The crazy thing is, when I'm at home, I don't even think about it, and I tell myself that on my next trip, I won't be doing the P routine. Even during the day while I'm working, I have NO intention of acting out, but somewhere between leaving the airport, getting on the hotel shuttle and getting to my room, I transition to "alter ego" mode and start the PMO trap again.  This is the period I need to really examine myself and find out exactly what starts it and how to put a lid on the first inkling of thinking about P.  It's crazy, but I actually have a physical reaction when I know I'm going act out, even if it's an hour before.  I think my brain is so excited at the prospect of P, that my stomach turns into knots, and I get really jittery.  Once this stuff starts to happen, I kind of feel like I'm just along for the ride.  I know that once I get some victories under my belt, it will get better, but I just need to find out how to combat that critical phase when the triggers start.
 
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