Didgerie Journal

[didgeridude]

Hey guys,

I'm new to this site and am wanting to commence my reboot. I've been reading posts on here for the past month or so, and I can relate to many of them. I'm going to give a journal a shot, as I think that will help me be more strongly committed to rebooting, work out my thoughts, and hopefully get some good advice and encouragement.

HISTORY:

I first came into contact with a couple of magazines my brother had back when I was 13 or 14, looked at them a few times, but that was about it.  That was about the time I figured out I'm into guys more than girls, as his girls-only magazines just bored me. The internet was still quite new and hard to access, so I wasn't really able to get access to guys-only stuff. I mainly just jerked off every day or two, as most teen aged boys do, and fantasize about people I found attractive.

Fast forward to my twenties, I started downloading and streaming videos as internet got faster and my computer got better. I would occasionally let my guilt motivate me to delete the whole collection and clear my browser history. As time went on, those purges got to be less and less frequent. The material didn't get very extreme, as my preferences are still quite vanilla. So I at least don't seem to be subject to the cycle of needing more and more hardcore/depraved material to get off.

CURRENT SITUATION:

My main issues are DE, PIED, and death grip.

DE has been a source of frustration in the bedroom because partners seems to think that it's their fault or that I don't like them. My success rate at actually having an orgasm has probably been ~50% at best, but it has been decreasing over the past year. I almost always have to jerk myself off to finish. I can count on one hand the number of times someone else has gotten me off, and I have only had an orgasm from penetrating once, which had to be without a condom. I usually have to envision porn or something like that.

Over the past year, I also started to notice that I couldn't maintain (or sometimes even get) an erection with others. It seemed really strange and, frankly, rather embarrassing. It was sort of an early indicator of me having PIED, which I had never heard of. Prior to this, I had generally only had sex in a relationship and had no problem getting/staying erect. I started became less willing to have sex (even though I really wanted to). I was able to get hard jerking off to porn, and sometimes I would also get random hard during my most horny part of the day (late morning when I'm at work).

WHAT I WANT TO ACHIEVE

- Eliminate porn from my life
- Overcome PIED
- Overcome DE
- Be able to achieve orgasm while wearing a condom

I want to be able to have a healthy sex life. I want to be able to be completely in-the-moment with my partner, not having to take myself out of the picture and into a vision of watching others do what I am doing. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I will need to say adieu to porn, but I've really started to see the terrible consequences that have been building up over the years. Enough is enough. I want to change.

STARTING GOALS:

- Delete all porn from my computer (currently it's nested in some folders that I'm trying to avoid even navigating to for fear of slipping. The monster in me is telling me to put it on a second hard drive and stash that somewhere for a few months, but that would imply I actually want to keep it, and that undermines my objectives here)
- Go 2 weeks without PMO
- Go 1 week without MO

In the meantime, I'm trying to find productive ways to occupy my time. I am especially focusing on doing things that keep me active and really engage my mind. I've noticed that urges to PMO are strongest during routine times (being the creature of habit that I am), mainly when I get home from work and right before bed. Weekends are far more difficult because I have more leisure time, so I would normally PMO 2-4 times those days for probably 15-20 minutes per session (using P mainly to hasten achieving orgasm). I find that I have the most success in avoiding PMO if I have a plan for how I will spend my time, so I try to make a to-do list before I leave work. Otherwise I'll get home, get comfortable, and PMO once or twice.

I am generally pretty physically active, and I've got a really good workout routine going right now (exercise at 5am for about an hour M-F before I go to work). I plan to keep that up, as it's my favorite part of the day! Weekends are more difficult with no set routine, hence its easy to just skip the gym and PMO several times over the course of the day.

I also have been trying to eat better, as it makes me feel soooo much better and is a better use of time than spending hours at a computer. I have been trying new recipes, planning out my meals, and getting into freezing pre-made things for the busy work week. I initially got into it as an act of desperation, trying everything I could think of to address ED (thinking it was due to diet or something like that). I'm quite confident it's PIED now, but there's no harm in eating well and taking care of your body.

 

[didgeridude]

Today marks:

7 days no PMO (14 day goal)
2 days no MO (7 day goal)

Also deleted porn pics off my phone.

 

[didgeridude]

Got up and went straight to the gym this morning. Had an awesome workout, gym wasn't crowded, and am setting some new PRs. Trying to take a proactive approach to my day and fill it with satisfying things so as to keep occupied and not revert to PMO. Saturdays tend to be more challenging in that sense. I may tackle cleaning around the house and get my holiday shopping over with.

I'm noticing that I'm feeling much better today with not watching any P, but I have more of an urge to MO or have sex. I think that's the greater rush for me. P tends to just hasten achieving O, so I feel pretty confident I can get that out of my life. But I have been relying on P more and more to achieve O over the years, and the past 2 years especially. It's leaving me wondering if a soft reboot would be better? I didn't really have any ED issues until about a year ago, and I would say DE has been a far bigger issue. Hopefully I'm not too hard wired and dependent on P then.

I'm going to reassess my goals and see if just starting out with eliminating P would be a better way to focus my efforts and work toward minimal MO (without fantasy).

 

[didgeridude]

Hit a wall when I was unable to complete something on the to-do list I put together this morning to keep me busy. My workout this morning left me really horned up, which seems to happen. I got a bit too idle and ended up trying to get an erection just by touch. It worked, so ED is not entirely hopeless. Then I got too comfortable and MO-ed, but no P, so I'm not too discouraged there.

On the plus side, after the MO incident, I deleted all porn on my computer, deleted accounts at bad sites, and double checked that nude photos were gone from my phone. Although I feel a bit bad about MO, my primary focus is on eliminating P. I'm still 100% fully committed to that. I'm done with that shit for life. Good riddance!

 

[TheGuy]

Hi Didgerie,

That's great news man, celebrate every achievement.  Deleting porn and removing that presence is awesome. Keep up the great progress.

 

[didgeridude]

Day 9:

I've had a pretty good day today, all things considered. I had zero urge to look at any P, even after I came across a post with a link to NSFW material from another social site. I closed out of the site for the rest of the day and changed my focus to something else.

I woke up with a very strong case of morning wood and ended up MO-ing. MW has been getting stronger lately, and I'm not usually one to feel that major horniness first thing in the morning. There's usually a delay, though on weekends I had the habit of PMOing regardless. That would usually leave me with little energy or motivation to do anything, which would have been the theme for the entire day. Instead, I went to the gym and had a pretty good swimming workout. It didn't leave me as horny as my workout yesterday did, possibly because of the MO earlier. (Does anyone have this problem of being horned up after working out? How do you deal with that if you are avoiding O entirely?) I've been able to push myself harder and harder with my workouts, and I'm wondering if it's because of a greater strength of mind and will. Either way, I'm feeling more confident in all aspects of my life (work, personal, social) without P. It's not what I would have expected, but I certainly won't complain! I filled up the remainder of my day with cooking a few meals, doing some laundry, and reading YBOP.

I did end up having sex this afternoon. It was my first since I got rid of PMO. I didn't have to resort to any kind of fantasy or envision anything - it was just me and the other person. I did have to finish myself off, which is no real surprise (especially since I MO-ed earlier). But we both finished at about the same time, so we were on the same page and DE wasn't rearing its ugly head. I think that's a pretty good sign of progress. I will probably have to have a no-MO period to really make sure DE is resolved, but that's not my current focus.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it previously, but before dropping PMO, I had to use P to achieve O. That hasn't been the case recently. It was really hard for the first week or so that I went without P-videos, but it has been getting better. I'm able to reduce the vividness of any fantasies (becoming more generic and not based on specific people I liked from P). My goal is to be able to not have to use any kind of fantasy at all. I still sometimes get triggers from audio (thinking of key phrases from videos I enjoyed or P-stars with very sexy voices), and those tend to be the strongest triggers. Before I quit PMO, I had been experimenting with only listening to P and not watching it. That's probably why it has such a strong effect on me right now - it was still pretty fresh and new to my mind, and I find good talk to be sexy.

I'm still on the fence about cutting out MO in addition to PMO. I will probably give it a try, but for now I'm focused on keeping PMO out of the picture while I educate myself. I started reading YBOP and am burning through it quickly. It's amazing to read the accounts of people and their experiences being dependent on P. It is strengthening my resolve to be rid of that stuff for good.

I saw today marks day 9 without PMO, and that's the official count I'm using. I was actually on vacation for the past 2 weeks out of the country. I didn't have access to any of my videos at home, so I just jerked off to a few pictures the first few days of the trip. After probably the 3rd time, I stopped using pictures and used vivid fantasy (first person point of view with me as a participant). I may have been a bit moody during the vacation, which I think my friends may have picked up on. I am now wondering if that was me going through a bit of withdrawal. That moodiness is largely diminished, and I'm thinking that's a good sign. It could still rear its ugly head unexpectedly. I just hope that's not while I'm at work this week.

So, my current progress is 9 days without PMO, probably 12 days without PMO to actual video. Any suggestions on how to celebrate milestones? I currently like seeing my progress bar go up, but I'd like to actually reward myself to make it more meaningful and give me something to look forward to and strengthen my resolve.

Thanks for reading and for the support guys. I'm so glad I somehow came across this site.

 

[didgeridude]

Day 10 (Double digits FTW!):

I have a favorite saying/mantra that I live by, "Grab life by the balls". It's what gives me drive to stick to healthy things (working out, eating well, getting my ass out of bed in the early mornings, etc.). It's the alpha male approach to life, I guess.

I woke up earlier than normal today (3:30am vs 4:30am), despite getting to bed a bit later than usual (10:30pm). I decided to get up and do my workout early. I wanted to drop my car off at the shop and get it looked at while I was at work. I'm not sure if withdrawal from P has anything to do with waking up so early. I slept fine overall and haven't noticed any major differences in sleep patterns. I seldom sleep in anyway as I'm a morning person. No recollection of any MW, but I had some pretty strong random erections at work throughout the morning. At a few points, I had to stand up and look out the window in order for them to die down (I tend to lose them when I get up). I'm not sure if its a sign of success in my rebooting process or just an effect of working out consistently and the natural T boost I get from that.

There was a tiny bit of temptation to look at P when I got home (the monster expressing its discontent), but I quickly shot that down. I am quite cognizant of the destructive effects it has had in my life. I actually find the entire YBOP-related info and studies to be fascinating, and I feel like I'm as mentally engaged with them as anyone might be in their favorite book or TV show. As long as it holds my interest, I'm delving into it as much as possible. It seems like a good practice to find things that really engage me and my mind (provided they're healthy) and redirect my interests thusly. It helps me build up inertia in how I approach things, so I'll be less likely to hesitate and fall back into old PMO ways.

Today I was thinking about hookup apps and the kind of effect they have on me. If I open one early on in the day, it becomes a slippery slope to wasting hours refreshing it, chatting with people, and inevitably getting bombarded with selfies (including nudes). To be painfully honest, I think these apps are more addictive for me than P (they're like porn 2.0, if anything). My use of them strongly correlates with the time frame that I've experienced PIED issues. The idea of cutting them out of my life seems like a worthy goal, but it does make me feel a bit of panic. I really am addicted to them (one in particular), and there's always a rush when my phone vibrates after loading the app to tell me I have new messages. I have to recognize that fact. I didn't feel a real strong urge to MO this past weekend until I opened them up and started browsing people in the area.

P and P 2.0 (hookup apps) have a stronger influence on me than I want to admit. I deleted the apps off my phone (which I've done before in order to "take a break"). That was my goal for the day. I'm considering from this point forward, including hookup app (at least the really bad one) in the P category of rebooting. I'll give it a week going without it and think about it. In my mind, they seem to be a different shade of the same thing.

With that, here's my summary:

Did I use porn today? No.
What were my triggers? Habit - getting home from work used to be the time when I'd PMO, then get on with my day.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Didn't open hookup apps. Deleted them. Made a to-do list, played youtube videos of YBOP topics while I tackled said list.
What am I grateful for today? Being a morning person, having an awesome gym/routine, admitting that I'm addicted to hookup apps (as much as it pains me to say)

 

[didgeridude]

Day 11:

I read an interesting thread regarding what is truly needed to break out of the PMO cycle and creating meaningful change. Rather than purely rehash it, I'll share the link here:

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

The gist is that the focus should be on creating a meaningful change in your life by having a vision for what you want to accomplish and become. It's not just a matter of going X number of days without PMO and potentially becoming a serial resetter.

It struck well with me, and I can relate pretty well to it. As I read through other journals, it seems that PMO hasn't nearly been as consuming of my life/free time as it has for others. I don't say that as if I'm somehow better than them, because I'm not. But it seems like I was recently starting to get to the point where it was becoming more consuming and the warning signs were flashing in front of me. I needed help and I needed to change, so I'm doing that now. I've been learning a lot from others, and I appreciate those who have come here and shared their experiences.

In my life, I seem to have been able to keep busy enough that porn was mainly just a recreational outlet for when I wasn't occupied with other things (school, work, hobbies, socializing, etc.). Some of those have dropped off, and my ability to focus and enjoy the things I enjoyed before has really started to wane. I'm hoping it will come back. For example, I used to love to just lose myself in a good book, but now I struggle to read for much more than an hour before my mind wanders. Maybe I'm reading boring material or maybe my smartphone has given me ADD. Maybe PMO just got to be too much of a time waster and so I've lost out on other hobbies. I guess I'll find out in time.

I had a great workout this morning. I truly can attest to their effectiveness. The discipline and commitment it takes to get up early in the morning and drag my ass to the gym before work gives me a confidence boost and determination that I carry with me for the rest of the day. The first few hours of the day are critical in setting the tone and mindset by which I will approach everything else. So, I'm making an extra concerted effort to maintain this routine and discipline. It is my favorite part of the day.

No temptation to look at P today - I'm not sure if I've truly kicked that urge or if it's simmering under the surface waiting to emerge and hit me hard in the near future. I hope not, as I still remain just as committed as ever to have that out of my life for good. No MO today - I felt I need to take a break. I also didn't even really have sexual thoughts today either. I'm already noticing an improved ability to control my thoughts and focus on other things. I did have to take a couple of moments to stop and breath deeply and purge potential fantasies and sexual thoughts, but they were quickly dispersed.

Summary:

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
Habit, again. I felt a bit of an urge to MO when I got home from work, but I recognized I wasn't even necessarily feeling aroused/horny. It was the monster wanting a dopamine boost. If I'm going to MO, I'd rather do it when I am feeling naturally aroused.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Tried to maintain a positive attitude and enjoyed some good laughs with my roommate. Laughter is very effective medicine at reducing stress/anxiety for me.
What am I grateful for today?
The varied hobbies and interests I have that I can fall back on to keep busy and help find balance in life.

 

[neon tiger]

Welcome Didgeridude (awesome name, btw!)

Been following your thread, and enjoyed where your reflections have taken you. Ive had workouts built in on my afternoons for years now, but what I've incorporated in the mornings with this process is 20 minute meditations. I do agree- my mornings set the tone for the rest of my day.

I havent had roommates for a couple years now, and miss that. i got great laughter relief from them as well- not to mention that my PMO has escalated since i live by myself.

I also like your daily check at the bottom of your entries.  I might adopt that as well...

Keep trucking bud

 

[didgeridude]

Day 12:

Hey Neon Tiger, thanks for the post. It's nice to be able to read the accounts of other people and get a bit of insight into their thoughts. I seem to always learn something in the process, and I hope I can help you guys as well.

I've been noticing it's easier for me to wake up in the early mornings and I've got more energy. I'm not sure if that's due to me cutting P out of my life, but it does seem to be improving along the same time frame. I certainly won't complain! As I said before, the start of my day is critical because it sets my inertia and attitude that I will carry for the rest of it.

My libido continues to be in high gear while I'm at work. I'm actually wondering if it's because I work at a computer all day, so perhaps my body feels like it should be in PMO mode. By the time the day is winding down, it usually starts to get back toward neutral. Then by the time I get home in the late afternoon or early evening, the seemingly "natural" libido that I felt is gone. I'm then left with my brain wanting me to give it its dopamine fix. It's not necessarily a push to PMO, but mainly to MO. P is honestly not even appealing to me at this point. I just feel so much happier and at peace with myself without it.

As I ponder how I got into PMO and why I have had such a difficult time breaking out of it, I realize that I honestly did not know the consequences of consuming it. I grew up in a very strict religious family, so I understand the religious perspective of why it's considered bad. But outside of that mindset, I really didn't see much harm in it other than it being disrespectful and objectifying the subjects. Once I started reading posts here at reboot, my eyes really opened. With a better understanding of the effects of P on a man's brain and life, I am quite averse to ever consuming it again. I've generally been good at delayed gratification and making sacrifices in the present in order to have a better future. It's what got me through college with good grades and, perhaps unintentionally, keep PMO at least somewhat in check for all those years. It's what I am focusing on now to change my mindset, ambition, and ultimate aspiration in life. My focus is on creating a life that won't even have room for PMO, not just white knuckling it and counting down days to an arbitrary target date. Interim goals are okay, but the objective is to not even want P because I can get more satisfaction out of the other things in my life.

After work today I felt a strong urge to MO, but I fought off (no erection was presenting itself either). Just that annoying monster making noise again. I kept telling myself that having an O would delay or even undermine my progress, which could mean I couldn't be able to have an O next time I have sex. Remembering how awesome it feels to have a natural O in sex and how much I want to feel that again - it makes it easier for me to not want to MO.

I also had a date this evening, and we ended up back at my place watching South Park and cuddling. My little guy had been in a seeming flatline all afternoon and evening but naturally sprang to life as we were cuddling. I was happy about that and enjoyed it for what it was. It was an awesome cuddling and makeout session and I felt an awesome rush from it. I don't know if I would have been able to feel it to the same extent if my mind was still getting its dopamine fix from PMO. This was far better and I didn't even need to pursue an O. I also casually mentioned that I have given up porn, which apparently came across as a surprise (apparently that's very atypical for a guy to do). Just being able to vocalize it and tell someone that I'm doing it helps further solidify my resolve.

And with that, here's my summary for the day:

Did I use porn today?
No
What were my triggers?
Habit, as usual. Maybe the way I sit at my desk at work somehow triggers my mind to feel more arousal? I'm not sure how to combat that though.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I went on a real date and just focused on appreciating the little things about the chemistry between us - kissing, cuddling, and even the little brush of a hand on bare skin. Didn't touch my junk at all despite an obvious erection.
What am I grateful for today?
Being forward and taking initiative to ask someone out on a date

 

[didgeridude]

Day 13:

I've been reading about others' experiences with flatlining. I would say I understand the basic concept and think I know what to expect with that. However, I'm curious if it's more common for it to be a more-or-less constant flatline, or if there are still slight oscillations with libido. My libido gets really high in the late morning, then starts to taper off in the early afternoon. It has always been that way, so I'm wondering if it would continue (though probably to a lesser extent) in a flatline. So far it is not, and I usually don't get as horned up in the late afternoon and evening.

I've still got zero desire to engage in PMO, which is nice. MO remains a bit of a temptation, but I'm trying to avoid that and save any O for actual sex. I've been on a bit of a natural high today after the really nice cuddling I got to do last night. It really did feel amazing - far better than any cuddling I've done before. If the cuddling is that good, I can't wait for real sex post-reboot. I'll gladly do what it takes to make that possible. The connection felt so much deeper and authentic, and the reduction in cortisol was certainly welcome as well!

Not much else to say today, so here's my update:

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
None really, just avoiding being idle. Trying to avoid having sexual thoughts about the person I'm currently interested in.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
No real stress today, but I was able to focus more on work and other tasks at hand. Being productive and proactive certainly helps.
What am I grateful for today?
Being able to put P behind me without a strong urge to relapse

 

[didgeridude]

Day 14:

I've officially hit my first goal: 14 days without PMO. It has been easier than I expected, actually. I always had a hard time cutting out P in the past, but after the first few days and learning more about how it has impacted my life and those of others on here, I still have zero desire to see it. I'll celebrate the milestone if I can figure out what kind of reward would be good.

In my time reading through other entries on here, one of the questions that seems to come up often is whether wet dreams or sex dreams could as a relapse. I figured the answer should be an obvious "no" since we have no control over either of those. However, I had a dream last night where I had PMO-ed. I was relieved when I woke up and found that I hadn't, but I felt a bit of guilt/shame regardless. I had an intellectual understanding of why I shouldn't need to feel bad about it, but it still got to me. I felt rather down, like all the enthusiasm and vigor from previous days had magically disappeared.

I had to force myself to go to the gym this morning and repeatedly give myself some minor pep talks to keep up with my workout (a challenging one today as well). I was feeling much better by the end of it though. I think the dream had messed with my head a bit (I don't even remember any details, just the feeling). I felt a bit down here and there throughout the day, but it wasn't anything that impacted my determination or commitment.

On a side note, a friend of mine sometimes refers to me as being a "robot"  because my emotions can be a bit static at times. Since giving up P, it seems like I'm experiencing higher highs and lower lows. Others have mentioned similar things in their journals on here (P impacting them). For me, it's not really so much that I would expect one to notice it.

I'm super tired this evening trying to finish this entry, so I'll post it and ponder more about these things tomorrow when (hopefully) my brain and mood wont' be so impacted.

 

[neon tiger]

PMO dream- not relapse but it feels just the same.  I haven't had them while rebooting here, but i did have one while recovering from substance abuse.  I was using in the dram the same way i did when i was actively using ,and i woke up confused as to whether it had actually happened. That day was a haze, and it felt heavy.

Congrats on 14 days!  I started with the same amount of days and it was a complete confidence booster to continue on this path. 

Regarding emotions, many of us here claim that we used PMO to numb sensations, emotion, feelings. Experts say that you cannot selectively numb emotions- when you numb pain and sorrow, you also numb happiness and joy. Get ready for your emotions spectrum to broaden, but over time it levels.

Keep trucking bud.

 

[didgeridude]

Day 19.5: (a morning post)

It has been a busy time of year for me, but it also comes down to me just trying to make more out of life than working, exercising, and PMOing. I've remained committed to no P, and am doing great on that account. The libido is still all over the place and some days I feel like I'm flatlining while others ive got that pulling sensation emanating from my pelvis.

I had another date last weekend that led to sex, and I think that kind of messed up my focus on rebooting. I like how things are going with this person, so I don't want to pull away. I'm also not sure how to broach the topic of rebooting, as it seems like it will make me appear a bit cray cray (let's be honest, most guys don't want to reboot). I'll feel it out and try to focus on doing more activities that would involve less scenarios leading to sex. I may need to do a bit of a hard reboot as well, though I'm currently just going soft mode. Once P is gone (90 days), I'll assess my situation.

 

[didgeridude]

Day 23:

It has gotten to the point that I have to actually look at the counter in my last post to see how far along I am in not watching porn. The number surprises me, and not because I have had such a hard time going this long without it and feel like I could cave in at any time. It surprises me because it feels like it has been years since I've watched porn - that is how far removed from my desires and active thoughts it is. Whatever part of me once enjoyed it, basked in its glowing pixels, and used it as an outlet for my stress and anxiety is dead. I've silenced it, and it no longer can find its voice.

I don't even think about porn. I don't have a filter installed on my phone or computer and I'm not relapsing. If I see a provocative picture, I just move on. No interest at all. Why? Because it isn't real. It's ugly, it's pathetic, it's a waste of time, and it's boring.

Has anyone see the movie X-Men: First Class? There is a scene where a female telepath is in the mansion of a Soviet official and is projecting a fantasy into his mind of engaging in foreplay with her. He is there on the bed doing the motions and making the noises of a man in lust, and she is actually sitting on the chair looking at him. The only word she says is "pathetic". That's exactly what we look like when we engage in PMO. It's not real! We look absolutely ridiculous, especially when we choose to do this over actually being with someone we care about.

There's a lot more to life than sitting in front of a glowing screen in dark solitude. There is a whole world out there that we can experience and enjoy. There is an endless amount of experiences we can have that can create a rich, satisfying life and wonderful memories. I will never look back at the time I spent PMOing and feel good about how I used that time. When I'm lying on my death bed, I will not wish I had spent more time watching other people do things I lustfully wished I could have done (or even worse, things I found repulsive but couldn't look away). I want to be glad I got off my ass, deleted all that stuff off my hard drive, and actually made something of my life.

I'm not going to watch porn again. I can simply say I don't want to do it, similar to how I can say I don't want to do crystal meth. I have gotten educated, read about its effects on peoples' lives, and even experienced some of those effects myself. No way will I ever go back. Why did I wait so long to begin with? What a waste. Good riddance, and if anyone is looking for me, you won't find me at a computer staring pics or videos of naked people. You might want to try to find me at work kicking ass, hitting the slopes on my snowboard, enjoying some good food, sharing a laugh with friends and family, doing laps in the pool, setting new personal records at the gym, reading a good book, or maybe having some awesome sex.

Happy Monday all.

 

[didgeridude]

I came across a good post from YBOP that seems to have been circulated pretty widely. It does a great job of explaining what my attitude toward porn has become. I Am posting it here so I can access it in the future and not have to hunt it down, and maybe it will help someone else who reads it.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/im-going-reveal-you-1-secret-overcome-pornography-addiction

 

[neon tiger]

Hey didgeridude,

I just read your previous post.  I saw a movie recently that revolves around a few guys overcoming sex addition. One scene shows one of the characters engaging on PMO, and it is so pathetic indeed. Sad actually, and to me, it stroke a particular chord because i remember trying to use that strategy to dissuade myself from PMO- to picture myself PMOing as i would look to someone walking in on me.

I know as well as you do that i don't want porn in my life ever again, and i want to be found exactly in the same places you want t one found (skis for me, and add skydiving to the list); but i honestly cannot imagine myself having made it a few years from now porn free.  And its not that i don't intend to give it my very best, but rather a sense of healthy fear- of the intensity that overtakes my brain around certain triggers (last saturday night clip for example). All i really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. That is fine- i felt the same way about crack and cigarettes nine years ago... (yes, still free of both  )

Thank you for reminding me why it matters, and congrats on the 20 something days!

 

[didgeridude]

Day 30:

I've had a few minor urges to look at porn the past few days. I say minor because I quickly dismissed them. My resolve to be free from it remains firm, so I will not let down my guard. Compared to some other accounts I have read, it seems pretty easy for me to just say no and move on. A few things I have found helpful are:

Education: read as much as possible about porn and its effects on peoples' lives. Know that indulging in it means that I am playing with fire, and the negative consequences that impact other people could very feasibly take place in my life as well. I am not special, I am not an exception, I am not immune.

Reread previous journals: I strive to be honest with myself when I write. I note whatever things I observe, even if their relevance seems questionable with the battle to eliminate porn and reboot. I have written some entries when I was feeling awesome, and it's nice to have those words of encouragement. I also have some that weren't quite so positive, and I can remember the negative feelings as well. I need reminders of where I have been and where I want to be to motivate me and help keep things in proper perspective.

Have something to look forward to: Whether it is rewarding myself with a nice warm beverage, some relaxation time in the hot tub, socializing with friends, a date, or even losing myself in some project/endeavor, I find it is critical and healthy for me to have something to look forward to. This helps me in those moments when I may be more susceptible to triggers or just healthy life advice in general. I am less likely to feel down or depressed when I have something I actively am looking forward to.

Understand my motivation: I'm not giving up porn because of external pressure (wife, family, religious reasons, social pressure, whatever). I am doing it for me, and I need to remember why I am doing this. It would be easy to have a brief moment where I forget why I am doing this, and then I might quickly cave to previous habits and have a quick relapse. Having a solid understanding and reason for giving up porn that can quickly be brought to mind is important when snap decisions with near instant consequences can derail months of conscious effort to change.

Be accountable: I have mentioned to a few people that I have given up porn. I didn't make it a huge deal when I brought it up; I just casually mentioned it in conversation. Helping frame how people see me helps reinforce that very image for myself. I don't want to see myself as "someone who has gone 30 days without looking at porn", as if I'm counting days until I'll eventually relapse. It's a losing mentality. Instead, I try to see myself as someone who doesn't look at porn. It doesn't matter that I did in the past, I don't do it now. That's not me. Day counts are largely irrelevant in this mindset (I only note them in these entries as I look at how the reboot/change is affecting my life).

These are my main thoughts about what I am finding most important in the reboot process and successfully keeping porn out of my life. I will continue to ponder and note other things I observe. And finally my summary:

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
Morning wood, idleness, being a bit too lax on controlling my thoughts (I really could benefit from the no arousal approach)
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Got out of the house and spent some time with a romantic interest. I also played some games - something I seldom do except in vacay mode. I am trying to keep gaming in moderation as it could also be a trigger from being so sedentary at a computer.
What am I grateful for today?
Hitting 30 days without porn, a seemingly heightened awareness of appreciable things like music since my mind is not so focused on porn as a source of my dopamine fix, and a chance to be going back to work after the holiday weekend. I do much better in almost all things when I have a more structured schedule. Vacays are nice, but I don't want them to go to my head or make me slothful.

 

[didgeridude]

Day 31:

I've been doing some pondering and a bit of reading regarding the rebooting process. I have decided I'm going to go for hard mode for 30 days. Although MO may not be excessive, I do think it would be beneficial to abstain for a while as I address DE. PIED does not seem to be an issue overall, but DE is a different story.

To be honest, I have been dreading giving up MO. Growing up it was an outlet for pent up frustration at being different from my peers, and I didn't do it to excess. I probably averaged 3-4 times per week through high school. I completely gave it up for a few years in my late teens/early twenties, then I turned back to it. It was a few years after that it changed from MO to PMO (initially just with a few pics or short video clips). I didn't feel like MO really had any significant negative consequences, and the stress relief (dopamine) was a welcome effect. Now that I am learning about how the reward zones get triggered with it, I can see it has likely impacted how I achieve O. I almost always have to finish myself off - I can't O inside my partner most of the time. I've just gotten used to my hand giving me pleasure rather than the experience of sex. That's messed up.

I may have a bit of a case of death grip as well, though I can't really say because I don't know how firm other guys' grip is on their own members. DE would seem to support the suspicion. I'll do more research on that front.

So, here it comes. I'm going to try to go hard mode. I'm still committed to a life free of P - that stuff is gone forever. MO will be a bit more challenging since I have a tendancy to be single for extended periods (6mo+) when a relationship ends. Perhaps this will help me have more motivation and determination to settle down and make a life with someone. In the meantime, I will be employing the "no arousal" strategy to combat urges to MO. My main MO triggers are:

- Habit: Getting home from work is a natural time for me to do my thing
- Thoughts: My libido kicks up to its peak in the morning and after workouts. If I don't stop arousing thoughts, they very well may build over the course of the day until I succumb and seek relief when I get home.
- Conversation: This is particular when it comes to FWBs, so I will need to cut off communication with them or keep discussion from going in the direction of arousing subjects.
- Apps: Mainly hookup apps or dating ones where it is easy to arrange casual encounters, discuss preferences/interests, etc.
- Hands: This may seem silly, but if I am at my computer behind a desk, my hand sometimes wanders down and starts fondling myself a bit. It's nothing so significant that it would cause an erection, but it still is a gateway. I'll need to have a plan for keeping my hands where they need to be.

And on to my summary:

Did I use porn today?
No.
Did I MO today?
No.
What were my triggers?
- P: None really. Desire is not there, so I don't think about it.
- MO: Allowing my mind to ponder arousing thoughts without promptly changing focus. Urge to MO wasn't particularly strong, but no arousal mode is going to be my strategy.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Worked out, focused on positive conversation with friends and coworkers, keeping my thoughts focused on interests/endeavors, seeking to learn about effects of MO so I would have a better understanding of it and a stronger motivation to give it up.
What am I grateful for today?
Being back at work and into my normal routine. I do much better with a somewhat structured schedule. Being willing to give up MO, and knowing I can do it because I have done it before.

 

[didgeridude]

Day 42:

With a new year come all of those ambitions and pondering that accompany the holiday. I'm not always prone to set new year's resolutions, per se, but I do believe in striving toward objects that help shape me into the person I want to be or reinforce habits I have, want to maintain, or want to improve. I have been trying to keep up my habit of listing out things I want to accomplish for the day, and I've been trying to add a reward mechanism to the system. Hopefully this will allow me to condition myself to see more benefit in maintaining self discipline. Keeping porn out of my life is just one of those things.

The urge to see P has been growing, which I find a bit surprising. I'm not sure "urge" is the correct word for it, because there is no desire there for me to seek it out. It almost feels like an alien part of me that is clamoring for it. That alien part isn't me and isn't what I want, so I desperately want to do whatever I can to keep it silenced or, even better, completely get rid of it so it has no influence on me whatsoever. Maybe that's the dopamine-addicted part of my brain screaming for a fix, but I cannot give it any heed.

I've been pretty quiet on here recently because I have felt less of a need for it. However, I may have to start jumping on here more frequently again and reading/writing entries to keep my focus. I don't want to let any P back into my life, so I'm using this site as my lifeline for the time being. When I need a sobering reminder of the consequences of P, I can always come here. I am quite grateful for that. And I'm also grateful that I've been able to be free for P for well over a month now!

It's morning at the moment and my day just started, so I'll skip the daily summary for now.