Didgerie Journal

[didgeridude]

Day 45:

Wow, I have hit the 45 day mark already. I'm half way to the 90-day porn free milestone. It feels incredible.

I had a somewhat sobering realization today as I was pondering why I've felt a much stronger urge than normal to watch P lately. This urge is something that has come over me unexpectedly in the past week or so. I'm currently single, and I have been for about a year. I'm not really hung up on that, as I'm naturally very independent. However, sometimes things happens in my life that cause me to feel less hope for being able to have a healthy, committed relationship and have a family. It could be external factors, social pressures, or even my own thoughts or self-criticisms. Regardless, it seems to act as a very strong trigger to PMO. It's is the biggest trigger I have identified in my life. It's basically me believing that I'm stuck in a lifetime of bachelorhood with no outlet for intimacy, so I self medicate through porn. I find a P-star person I'm interested in (most likely an amateur, as I'm more into the nextdoor-types), find a whole bunch of featuring that person, and self medicate with that. It comes and goes in cycles, and I may lose interest in that person for a while, find another person, then maybe come back from time to time.

Unfortunately, I am noticing this trigger hits when I think I am doing the right things, or making correct choices. Apparently I am either fostering an incorrect mindset or accepting wrong ideas that are hoisted upon me by people who don't know me or understand my situation. Family is a huge factor there, as is religious upbringing. I often think I'd be a much more functional human if I just gave religion the middle finger. I'm a logical thinker and a problem solver, and there are things that just don't reconcile no matter how much I study them out. That frustration only leads to more triggers as hope fades again.

Sometimes it feels like I just can't win.

Fortunately, I came across YBOP and this site (via Art of Manliness). I really appreciate the overall religious-neutral tone here. The effects of porn and PMO are clearly illustrated through real-life examples, we can share our true feelings and experiences, and we don't have to put on faces to pretend we are something we aren't. We can admit we have battled with P, it makes us feel like shit, and it has done an effective job of botching up otherwise healthy lives. This site has been so critical for me in getting to this 45-day mark, and it is honestly P-free lifeline right now. I probably would have relapsed without it, without being able to just sit here and put my thoughts into words.

I still maintain my resolve to be P-free, and I refuse to let myself slip. Whatever urges to watch P I may experience, I am striving to recognize that they aren't truly me. They are a vain attempt to self-medicate, to look to artificial sources for emotional fulfillment, or to shut out feelings I would rather not feel. I'm better than that, we are all better than that. I'm tackling this P-monster head on, and I will not back off. Some days are easy, some days (like today) are a struggle, but I am not someone who watches P. P is not an option.

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
- P: Feeling down about being single, feeling like I'll never get fulfilling sex (only hookups) or intimacy.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Kept myself busy and mentally occupied with other endeavors. Learned a new recipe, did some cleaning, ran errands, and stayed away from my computer.
What am I grateful for today?
Recognizing my most powerful trigger, and being able to think through it instead of just surrendering to it immediately.

 

[cinefile77]

Congratulations!  That is amazing.  It's awesome that you can identify triggers, figure out what's going on emotionally and move on.  I absolutely identify with your cycle of finding a person and then searching for all videos with them.  It's strange how hard it can be to get yourself out of a fake relationship. 

I'm sure you'll find someone, though.  You'll know when it's right.  It's much more fun to wake up next to someone who loves you for you.  Never settle for anything less.  Also, wanting the intimacy instead of p is an accomplishment in itself.

I'm also happy I found this site.  I had no idea this many people would've been going through the same thing.  It's harder, too, because it feels like a creepier addiction than alcohol and drugs.  I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable announcing out loud my sobriety from porn. 

 

[didgeridude]

I haven't posted on here in a while. I had been on a good streak, but like many things in life, I grew complacent. I could start a new journal, but I would rather continue with this one since it's an on-going thing and, frankly, my attitude hasn't changed. So, I'm recommencing a soft mode reboot.

I think it's fairly safe to say I don't have PIED or ED. I have been seeing someone for about 6 months now, and I have not had a problem getting hard. When the time is right, and the feeling is there, it just happens. I don't think about it, nor do I try it. That's the way it should be, so I'm okay with that. As for porn, although I've seen it again, it is not at all like it was before. I barely look at the screen if it's even playing. I'm usually lost in thought or thinking about the situation. It's certainly not ideal, but I think it is better than how it was before. Previously, I would have focused on the screen and the people on there, and that visual cue is what would have fuel my PMO session. The more recent trend has been the overall situation (I know, bad storylines) or the chemistry between the people on the screen.

At this point, my main aim to is beat DE. It still persists, much to my annoyance. With my current romantic interest, I am able to O almost every time. I'm happy about that, but it still takes a lot longer than I think it should. Another positive: I never think about porn when we are intimate or having sex. I'm purely in the moment.

So, my overall conclusion is this: I did not successfully eliminate porn from my life, as I originally planned on doing. However, I made notable improvements in that I do not depend on it to achieve O, I can still be intimate, and my consumption of it has gone down pretty significantly. It may not be the picture perfect success story, but it is enough to give me hope and well-rooted conviction that I can rid my life of P for good.

I'll try to make entries in here fairly regularly again. I've been pretty proactive in my life otherwise, and staying busy is definitely not a challenge. My current near-term goal (besides not looking at any P) will be to frame my objectives - my mindset, what I want to achieve, etc. I'll try to link that to my other major goals and find a deeper, more powerful motivation than just white-knuckling it until I hit my tracker goal.

 

[didgeridude]

Just making a post to keep myself focused on my goals. I've been staying pretty busy lately, and that is pretty critical to keeping up a P-free streak. I've been P-free for however long it has been since my last entry, partly due to that. It's also partly due to my pure desire to be P-free. I recently got back from a week-long camping trip. It was nice to get out and spend some time away from civilization, creature comforts, and just "be". Traveling in general can make for great times to reaffirm a commitment to rebooting. I find that the temptations and urges are more removed and I can get a bit of a system cleanse from all of that. I seldom PMO when traveling, so it tends to be a great time to get a few days down for a streak, and once I've got a streak going, I tend to do better at keeping it up. Incidentally, I've been P-free for a few weeks already, including an entire week O-free! I'm pretty happy about that.

Did I use porn today?
No
What were my triggers?
Habit, as usual. Idle time, stress/fatigue made it a bit of a temptation to PMO, but I decided to write an entry on here instead.
What am I grateful for today?
Traveling and shaking up the routine to keep things fresh!