I'm 32 years old and I've masturbated to porn since I was 16. I was popular in high school - meaning I had a lot of friends. No girlfriends though. I was obese and had no self confidence whatsoever. But I was funny, charming, and just outgoing enough to make friends easily.
Then I discovered porn. It was the best thing ever. I'd get it any way I could. Even watching the scrambled channel on the TV. My only problem then was I couldn't watch it often enough because of those pesky family members also living in the home. That was, of course, until I went away to college. Hello, high speed internet!
I wouldn't say porn got in the way of things when I was in college. I still went out and did things, made friends, and did well in school. But I would be late on purpose to classes and such because I knew if I waited until I got home, my roommate would be back and I'd have missed an opportunity. I'd skip out on parties - even when a girl I was completely obsessed with would be there - because I could just watch videos and insert her into my fantasies. I remember watching porn just because I felt like I was bored and wanted to kill some time. That's when my edging began. With a library of downloaded videos at my disposal, I could spend hours on what became a pastime.
It was around this time that I remember my parents noticing changes in my personality. I remember my dad asking me what college was doing to me and remarking about how he never saw someone go from being as self-conscious as I was to being so filter-less, sarcastic and anti-social. I didn't know what to say. To me, it was just being me. Maybe I was changing; becoming more confident. Whatever it was, I couldn't shake porn. A couple times, out of shame, I'd delete my entire library and say I needed to stop watching it because I was a loser. Within a day I'd be back online replenishing my supply. I'd shake my head the first time I chose to redownload one of my favorite videos, but that voice in my head was little more than a whisper.
After college I got a job, and worked hard. I didn't watch porn as much, but instead would binge on the weekends or on days off when I was alone. I was still a virgin, but didn't care. Girls didn't interest me beyond being nice to look at. I'd tell myself what I wanted to do with them, but of course I'd never do it outside the confines of my fantasy.
Then came the game changer: a girl came along I felt strongly about. Funny, energetic, and beautiful. She motivated a lot of changes in my life. Over the course of a year and a half I lost 140 lbs, I got accepted to grad school, and was moving in the right direction. I thought I knew what I wanted in life, and went for it. I asked her out. And got shot down.
I continued on with grad school and kept getting in better shape, but I found comfort in porn. Rejection hit me like a truck and nobody in those videos ever said "no." I was in control. Throughout grad school, I'd edge like no other. Miss classes, delay assignments, skip parties and other get-togethers. I continued working out and actually did well in grad school, but I started noticing problems with even PMO performance. For the first time, I noticed that I couldn't finish unless watching porn. Even if I brought myself to the finish line while watching it, if I got up and went to finish in the bathroom, I couldn't. I'd not only lose the O, but I'd go soft. Until I sat back down at my computer. Within seconds of hitting the play button, I'd be hard enough to cut glass.
If I had a working dick, I'd probably have cleaned up in grad school. While all of the above issues were going on, I was now in shape, attractive and more confident. Girls paid attention to me, asked me out, and for the first time an attractive girl called me "hot." Well this is easy, I thought. Time to give it a shot with a real girl. What a disaster. About the only thing that worked on my was my tongue. When it was all said and done, I thought for sure she'd never want to talk to me again. It's a good thing no sharp objects were near at the time. Shockingly enough, she said "it's ok. I could tell you were nervous." Yeah. Nervous. That must have been the problem. Won't happen again. Then it did.
I had a few other real-girl experiences after that, and they varied greatly. I learned that if I edged for a bit the day I was going to have sex, I'd be able to finish with the girl. Sometimes I would actually be able to maintain an erection, but would not be sensitive at all. Armed with my favorite porn fantasies, I'd last sometimes up to an hour without even feeling like I was going to finish. It's a different look entirely when a girl is asking herself why she couldn't make you finish. A couple times a girl told me I was disturbing during sex because I seemed disinterested, was completely silent and had what one girl called "dead eyes." I can only imagine that was when I'd fantasize with my eyes open - to not be rude, of course.
One thing I came to understand was that something was wrong. But what was it? Didn't have any problems when I was watching porn, and did have times when I could maintain an erection forever during sex. But it was inconsistent and I never felt truly excited by any of it. I began to fear not that I could never pleasure a woman (though I'd be very inconsistent it would seem) but that I just did not enjoy sex. For the next few years after that, I dated here and there but made almost no effort to attempt sex. I told myself I'd wait to find a girl that really interested me and then I'd prove to myself that I liked sex.
A couple years after grad school, I met another girl. We dated for a little while and I thought maybe this was the girl I wanted. She was energetic, sexy and I really wanted to spend time with her. Things went great as long as I kept my porn watching to the weekends when we wouldn't see each other. I was still wildly inconsistent, but made up excuses when I didn't have it that I was only interested in pleasuring her. Things went along pretty well and we decided to move in together. That's where it all fell apart. Now living in close proximity, she expected more frequent sex, was fairly aggressive about it and often complained that she would always initiate it. My anxiety went through the roof because it just wouldn't work often enough. I came to know that I may be able to have sex every third day, but if I tried more than that I'd end up soft and disappointing her. I'd go back to my method of edging on days I thought she'd want to have sex so I'd be able to perform, but that method did not work for very long. Even when I would look at her butt and get turned on, I'd lose it sometimes before I could even walk across the room to where she was.
For the first time, I kept looking into the eyes of a girl I cared about and saw disappointment on a regular basis. She started asking me if I still thought she was pretty, and I knew what that meant. I started to get depressed. I'd skip working out at the gym, my work performance suffered, I became irritable and some of my friends at work even commented on how miserable I was. They all thought it just wasn't working out with my girlfriend, but how could I tell them the real problem? But I know when I would feel virile: when I was in front of that fucking screen. Now armed with a smart phone, I became bolder. I'd watch porn on mute on my phone while my girlfriend watched tv in the same room. I'd watch porn when she was gone to the point where I'd be late for work. Hell, a couple times I tried to pull up a porn movie while driving - only to give up in angry frustration when the loading time was too long. I'd even leave work "sick" so I could get home before she did so I could watch.
We grew apart and fought more frequently. She'd ask me if I wanted to have sex with other women. In fact, she told me a couple times she wanted me to do just that. She'd keep telling me that she knew I cared for her but was disturbed at my total lack of emotion or real interest in my job and life in general. She knew I'd go out of my way to do anything for her, but she never felt that I was interested in a real connection. Ultimately she broke up with me and I moved out. Looking back on it, she is a good girl who cared deeply for me and I get emotional when I think about how much I hurt her. I remember her crying when she listed all of these good qualities I had, but said she just could never feel like I actually cared about her. "I know you love me, but I just don't feel that's true."
I finally turned to google. There had to be an answer out there. I found yourbrainonporn.com and read through the materials. Finally something made sense. I read through the materials for hours and much of it fit me. I watched videos, read success stories and thought I finally found what I've been looking for. Then I cried. I mean a deep, face twisting, painful, can't breathe cry. I did this to myself and never knew it. I was so mad at myself, at porn, at the world. I wanted so badly to tell my ex that it wasn't her, but these fucking pixels I never knew were messing up my life. Part of me wanted to do it because I felt like I did wrong by her - like I hurt her self confidence by acting the way I did - and I wanted to make sure she knew it was my fault. Another part of me hoped we could give it another shot when I was "better." But I just haven't been able to bring myself to tell anyone about what I'm going through until this post. Nor could I fairly ask her to hold on until whenever I think I might be "normal."
---end of long story---
I'm 22 days PMO free today.
I've had trouble sleeping since I started. I can fall asleep, but will wake in the middle of the night (usually after about 5 hours in) with a faster-than-normal heart rate and can't go back to sleep. Lately that has gotten a little better where I will still wake up but have an easier time going back to sleep after a few minutes. Sometimes I will wake up again, but those instance are rare. I've also started dreaming again, which I don't remember doing for a long time, and I've started waking up with morning semi-wood. Not often, but I noticed its disappearance and welcome its return.
Initially my performance in the gym suffered greatly. I felt weaker and had far less physical endurance than I was used to. Lately my endurance is better and my strength is back fully. I also find myself performing better at certain exercises than I was before being PMO free with no real explanation as to why.
Earlier this week I started to finally feel awake. I'd always felt like I never got a good night's sleep and would walk around tired all the time. Now I actually feel awake and have energy throughout the day. My work performance has improved dramatically and people have noticed that I look and act differently. For a while, people at work said my battle cry was "meh." I hope to change that soon.
In terms of struggles, my brain constantly throws flashbacks at me. Some of them stay with me for a couple of minutes while others I can get rid of just by focusing on something else. The ones that tend to linger are the ones I get when my head hits the pillow at night. Additionally, when I take notice of a pretty girl, that seems to be my mind's cue to try and get a flashback in.
Also, a lot of my dreams now involve sex or violence. Initially it was entirely sex - sometimes involving a porn star and others involving people in my life - but only recently have I had violent dreams as well. In the first week or two, I'd wake from a sexually charged dream with a strong temptation to masturbate. I even tried it one time, but when the fantasy went away so did the tool. I woke up hard as a rock and couldn't even make it to an edge without that fantasy.
Other than that, I feel like I'm going strong. I feel like I'm in a flat-line period right now, but I'm ok with it because I know that's part of what I need to do to get better. And even though I have flashbacks, I think I'm still too angry to be tempted to look at porn. I watch a tv show with a romantic scene and I actually feel disgusted. I turned off one of the youtube videos from yourbrainonporn.com because the guy explaining what the porn scene contained pissed me off. It's like I feel betrayed by a close friend. I don't hope to hold on to that kind of disgust or anger because I don't think that's healthy either, but I'll take the help I can get at the outset.
I lost a lot because of this garbage. I wasted a lot of time I can't get back and ruined chances with some really great people. I don't know how things will work out for me, but I know they will work out PMO free.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Then I discovered porn. It was the best thing ever. I'd get it any way I could. Even watching the scrambled channel on the TV. My only problem then was I couldn't watch it often enough because of those pesky family members also living in the home. That was, of course, until I went away to college. Hello, high speed internet!
I wouldn't say porn got in the way of things when I was in college. I still went out and did things, made friends, and did well in school. But I would be late on purpose to classes and such because I knew if I waited until I got home, my roommate would be back and I'd have missed an opportunity. I'd skip out on parties - even when a girl I was completely obsessed with would be there - because I could just watch videos and insert her into my fantasies. I remember watching porn just because I felt like I was bored and wanted to kill some time. That's when my edging began. With a library of downloaded videos at my disposal, I could spend hours on what became a pastime.
It was around this time that I remember my parents noticing changes in my personality. I remember my dad asking me what college was doing to me and remarking about how he never saw someone go from being as self-conscious as I was to being so filter-less, sarcastic and anti-social. I didn't know what to say. To me, it was just being me. Maybe I was changing; becoming more confident. Whatever it was, I couldn't shake porn. A couple times, out of shame, I'd delete my entire library and say I needed to stop watching it because I was a loser. Within a day I'd be back online replenishing my supply. I'd shake my head the first time I chose to redownload one of my favorite videos, but that voice in my head was little more than a whisper.
After college I got a job, and worked hard. I didn't watch porn as much, but instead would binge on the weekends or on days off when I was alone. I was still a virgin, but didn't care. Girls didn't interest me beyond being nice to look at. I'd tell myself what I wanted to do with them, but of course I'd never do it outside the confines of my fantasy.
Then came the game changer: a girl came along I felt strongly about. Funny, energetic, and beautiful. She motivated a lot of changes in my life. Over the course of a year and a half I lost 140 lbs, I got accepted to grad school, and was moving in the right direction. I thought I knew what I wanted in life, and went for it. I asked her out. And got shot down.
I continued on with grad school and kept getting in better shape, but I found comfort in porn. Rejection hit me like a truck and nobody in those videos ever said "no." I was in control. Throughout grad school, I'd edge like no other. Miss classes, delay assignments, skip parties and other get-togethers. I continued working out and actually did well in grad school, but I started noticing problems with even PMO performance. For the first time, I noticed that I couldn't finish unless watching porn. Even if I brought myself to the finish line while watching it, if I got up and went to finish in the bathroom, I couldn't. I'd not only lose the O, but I'd go soft. Until I sat back down at my computer. Within seconds of hitting the play button, I'd be hard enough to cut glass.
If I had a working dick, I'd probably have cleaned up in grad school. While all of the above issues were going on, I was now in shape, attractive and more confident. Girls paid attention to me, asked me out, and for the first time an attractive girl called me "hot." Well this is easy, I thought. Time to give it a shot with a real girl. What a disaster. About the only thing that worked on my was my tongue. When it was all said and done, I thought for sure she'd never want to talk to me again. It's a good thing no sharp objects were near at the time. Shockingly enough, she said "it's ok. I could tell you were nervous." Yeah. Nervous. That must have been the problem. Won't happen again. Then it did.
I had a few other real-girl experiences after that, and they varied greatly. I learned that if I edged for a bit the day I was going to have sex, I'd be able to finish with the girl. Sometimes I would actually be able to maintain an erection, but would not be sensitive at all. Armed with my favorite porn fantasies, I'd last sometimes up to an hour without even feeling like I was going to finish. It's a different look entirely when a girl is asking herself why she couldn't make you finish. A couple times a girl told me I was disturbing during sex because I seemed disinterested, was completely silent and had what one girl called "dead eyes." I can only imagine that was when I'd fantasize with my eyes open - to not be rude, of course.
One thing I came to understand was that something was wrong. But what was it? Didn't have any problems when I was watching porn, and did have times when I could maintain an erection forever during sex. But it was inconsistent and I never felt truly excited by any of it. I began to fear not that I could never pleasure a woman (though I'd be very inconsistent it would seem) but that I just did not enjoy sex. For the next few years after that, I dated here and there but made almost no effort to attempt sex. I told myself I'd wait to find a girl that really interested me and then I'd prove to myself that I liked sex.
A couple years after grad school, I met another girl. We dated for a little while and I thought maybe this was the girl I wanted. She was energetic, sexy and I really wanted to spend time with her. Things went great as long as I kept my porn watching to the weekends when we wouldn't see each other. I was still wildly inconsistent, but made up excuses when I didn't have it that I was only interested in pleasuring her. Things went along pretty well and we decided to move in together. That's where it all fell apart. Now living in close proximity, she expected more frequent sex, was fairly aggressive about it and often complained that she would always initiate it. My anxiety went through the roof because it just wouldn't work often enough. I came to know that I may be able to have sex every third day, but if I tried more than that I'd end up soft and disappointing her. I'd go back to my method of edging on days I thought she'd want to have sex so I'd be able to perform, but that method did not work for very long. Even when I would look at her butt and get turned on, I'd lose it sometimes before I could even walk across the room to where she was.
For the first time, I kept looking into the eyes of a girl I cared about and saw disappointment on a regular basis. She started asking me if I still thought she was pretty, and I knew what that meant. I started to get depressed. I'd skip working out at the gym, my work performance suffered, I became irritable and some of my friends at work even commented on how miserable I was. They all thought it just wasn't working out with my girlfriend, but how could I tell them the real problem? But I know when I would feel virile: when I was in front of that fucking screen. Now armed with a smart phone, I became bolder. I'd watch porn on mute on my phone while my girlfriend watched tv in the same room. I'd watch porn when she was gone to the point where I'd be late for work. Hell, a couple times I tried to pull up a porn movie while driving - only to give up in angry frustration when the loading time was too long. I'd even leave work "sick" so I could get home before she did so I could watch.
We grew apart and fought more frequently. She'd ask me if I wanted to have sex with other women. In fact, she told me a couple times she wanted me to do just that. She'd keep telling me that she knew I cared for her but was disturbed at my total lack of emotion or real interest in my job and life in general. She knew I'd go out of my way to do anything for her, but she never felt that I was interested in a real connection. Ultimately she broke up with me and I moved out. Looking back on it, she is a good girl who cared deeply for me and I get emotional when I think about how much I hurt her. I remember her crying when she listed all of these good qualities I had, but said she just could never feel like I actually cared about her. "I know you love me, but I just don't feel that's true."
I finally turned to google. There had to be an answer out there. I found yourbrainonporn.com and read through the materials. Finally something made sense. I read through the materials for hours and much of it fit me. I watched videos, read success stories and thought I finally found what I've been looking for. Then I cried. I mean a deep, face twisting, painful, can't breathe cry. I did this to myself and never knew it. I was so mad at myself, at porn, at the world. I wanted so badly to tell my ex that it wasn't her, but these fucking pixels I never knew were messing up my life. Part of me wanted to do it because I felt like I did wrong by her - like I hurt her self confidence by acting the way I did - and I wanted to make sure she knew it was my fault. Another part of me hoped we could give it another shot when I was "better." But I just haven't been able to bring myself to tell anyone about what I'm going through until this post. Nor could I fairly ask her to hold on until whenever I think I might be "normal."
---end of long story---
I'm 22 days PMO free today.
I've had trouble sleeping since I started. I can fall asleep, but will wake in the middle of the night (usually after about 5 hours in) with a faster-than-normal heart rate and can't go back to sleep. Lately that has gotten a little better where I will still wake up but have an easier time going back to sleep after a few minutes. Sometimes I will wake up again, but those instance are rare. I've also started dreaming again, which I don't remember doing for a long time, and I've started waking up with morning semi-wood. Not often, but I noticed its disappearance and welcome its return.
Initially my performance in the gym suffered greatly. I felt weaker and had far less physical endurance than I was used to. Lately my endurance is better and my strength is back fully. I also find myself performing better at certain exercises than I was before being PMO free with no real explanation as to why.
Earlier this week I started to finally feel awake. I'd always felt like I never got a good night's sleep and would walk around tired all the time. Now I actually feel awake and have energy throughout the day. My work performance has improved dramatically and people have noticed that I look and act differently. For a while, people at work said my battle cry was "meh." I hope to change that soon.
In terms of struggles, my brain constantly throws flashbacks at me. Some of them stay with me for a couple of minutes while others I can get rid of just by focusing on something else. The ones that tend to linger are the ones I get when my head hits the pillow at night. Additionally, when I take notice of a pretty girl, that seems to be my mind's cue to try and get a flashback in.
Also, a lot of my dreams now involve sex or violence. Initially it was entirely sex - sometimes involving a porn star and others involving people in my life - but only recently have I had violent dreams as well. In the first week or two, I'd wake from a sexually charged dream with a strong temptation to masturbate. I even tried it one time, but when the fantasy went away so did the tool. I woke up hard as a rock and couldn't even make it to an edge without that fantasy.
Other than that, I feel like I'm going strong. I feel like I'm in a flat-line period right now, but I'm ok with it because I know that's part of what I need to do to get better. And even though I have flashbacks, I think I'm still too angry to be tempted to look at porn. I watch a tv show with a romantic scene and I actually feel disgusted. I turned off one of the youtube videos from yourbrainonporn.com because the guy explaining what the porn scene contained pissed me off. It's like I feel betrayed by a close friend. I don't hope to hold on to that kind of disgust or anger because I don't think that's healthy either, but I'll take the help I can get at the outset.
I lost a lot because of this garbage. I wasted a lot of time I can't get back and ruined chances with some really great people. I don't know how things will work out for me, but I know they will work out PMO free.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
