occuPIED
Member
Or in this case, the C.A.T.T (COCKS ABILITY TO TRIGGER) when I'm with a real person.
WELCOME
Day 34 (since PMO)
-Penis has shrunk
-No real physical withdrawals yet
-Have had intense porn cravings beginning 2 days ago. Have been 'schizophrenic' with this ever since making seconds seem like minutes, minutes like hours and hours like days.
-I peek now and then at videos or images of women for example, I watched Tim and Eric sketch about Ball's Insurance which featured a beautiful actress at the end of it. I knew who she was but didn't remember her name, but found it easily in the youtube comments. Youtubing her name I found she had an instagram account which somehow I knew there would be half naked shots of her. My predictions were correct and there I found a video of her almost naked and watched as my brain fed off her body like some perverted black hole absorbing the mass of a nearby star, but I knew what I was doing and stopped myself from watching the whole thing immediately after the whole thing had finished...
But I'm getting better at training myself at killing my curiosity, BEFORE IT KILLS ME.
I can say I'm ready to go through hell, the anxiety attacks, the shaking, brain fog, depression etc. I don't care if I'm walking down the middle of town and then suddenly out of nowhere begin screaming and shouting, throwing my limbs about profusely, then take my clothes off and start beating and banging on the window of passing by cars and buses, then collapsing into fetal position (shaking like those gents from Scottland who went there on their second trip Antarctica and decided to sleep there (forever)) in front of 100's, possibly 1000's of confused or possibly horrified or just amused faces.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I think a large part of it (lack of patience) is that I don't actually know what it is I'm actually heading towards to or why I'm giving up exactly.
I'm 24. I've never had a girlfriend. Very little sexual experience I grew up with porn, like growing up with a box on your head with naked images attached on the inner walls of the box.
Am I ready to grow up? to have real relationships? to have a real life?
I'm afraid of living a real life.... And if it were not for writing in this journal thing I wouldn't of realized it any sooner.
That poses that question am I ready to live one?
God, I hope so. If not now, then when?
In 6 years I'll be 30. And in 7 years I'll be 31...
I'm realizing now that porn isn't so much the source of my problems, but is definitely a branch of the "oh god look at my joke of a life now!" tree.
Lack of connection with people would definitely be a thick branch, if not the root source of all problems in my life, and maybe even many other people. Imagine if connecting with others were a part of our educational upbringing into adulthood? What kind of world would that be? Food for thought..
I'm definitely thankful for everything I have, loving family, friends, this forum, you amazing people, and for my life for which I hope this journal will help in some way.
Until next time.
Sorry for the nonsense.
WELCOME
Day 34 (since PMO)
-Penis has shrunk
-No real physical withdrawals yet
-Have had intense porn cravings beginning 2 days ago. Have been 'schizophrenic' with this ever since making seconds seem like minutes, minutes like hours and hours like days.
-I peek now and then at videos or images of women for example, I watched Tim and Eric sketch about Ball's Insurance which featured a beautiful actress at the end of it. I knew who she was but didn't remember her name, but found it easily in the youtube comments. Youtubing her name I found she had an instagram account which somehow I knew there would be half naked shots of her. My predictions were correct and there I found a video of her almost naked and watched as my brain fed off her body like some perverted black hole absorbing the mass of a nearby star, but I knew what I was doing and stopped myself from watching the whole thing immediately after the whole thing had finished...
But I'm getting better at training myself at killing my curiosity, BEFORE IT KILLS ME.
I can say I'm ready to go through hell, the anxiety attacks, the shaking, brain fog, depression etc. I don't care if I'm walking down the middle of town and then suddenly out of nowhere begin screaming and shouting, throwing my limbs about profusely, then take my clothes off and start beating and banging on the window of passing by cars and buses, then collapsing into fetal position (shaking like those gents from Scottland who went there on their second trip Antarctica and decided to sleep there (forever)) in front of 100's, possibly 1000's of confused or possibly horrified or just amused faces.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I just want there to be some progress.
I think a large part of it (lack of patience) is that I don't actually know what it is I'm actually heading towards to or why I'm giving up exactly.
I'm 24. I've never had a girlfriend. Very little sexual experience I grew up with porn, like growing up with a box on your head with naked images attached on the inner walls of the box.
Am I ready to grow up? to have real relationships? to have a real life?
I'm afraid of living a real life.... And if it were not for writing in this journal thing I wouldn't of realized it any sooner.
That poses that question am I ready to live one?
God, I hope so. If not now, then when?
In 6 years I'll be 30. And in 7 years I'll be 31...
I'm realizing now that porn isn't so much the source of my problems, but is definitely a branch of the "oh god look at my joke of a life now!" tree.
Lack of connection with people would definitely be a thick branch, if not the root source of all problems in my life, and maybe even many other people. Imagine if connecting with others were a part of our educational upbringing into adulthood? What kind of world would that be? Food for thought..
I'm definitely thankful for everything I have, loving family, friends, this forum, you amazing people, and for my life for which I hope this journal will help in some way.
Until next time.
Sorry for the nonsense.
