Moving forward

[gotta_change]

Hi guys!

This is my first time in reboot nation and I want to start my journal. My mother tongue is other than English so please forgive any grammar error or reading difficulties.

I want to tell you my history with porn, which is like saying the history of my sexuality. I started watching porn at little age, I really don't remember when but it could be age 12 or 13. I first started with DVDs and magazines and switched to high speed internet porn when I was around 20, which make the use of porn more frequent and intense.  My teenage years were not really happy as I wasn't able to relate to women and I lost my virginity at the age of 24. Before that I used to thing that porn was just filling the gap and that I will leave it when I find a girl. But that proved to be bullshit, as my use of porn increased from that moment. Nowadays I'm single and I'm not really looking for a girlfriend in this particular moment of my life.

I've been with 5 different girls and I always had same issues with sex: difficulty to reach an orgasm without thinking in a porn movie instead of my sexual partner. I could only attain an O after endless masturbation thinking in porn which really alienated my partners. That provoked frustration in both. During all this time, deeply inside of me, I knew that porn was having a negative impact in my sexual life, but I couldn't find a solution to it.

Three weeks ago I read an article about http://yourbrainonporn.com/ and I watched a video by Gabe Deem which totally blew my mind. There was an explanation of what was going on in my sexual life and how porn was ruining it. I felt very happy and I knew that a reboot was necessary in my life. And so I started it.

I spent a whole week without watching any porn and I was feeling good. Some anxiety sometimes but I was full of motivation. I kept reading about how porn affect our minds and they did inspire me. But the seventh night I woke up feeling really anxious and craving for porn very badly. So there I go and start PMOing like crazy and getting myself into a cycle of guilt, feeling bad about my relapse and then using porn again cause I'm feeling bad. I relapsed 4 times in 3 weeks masturbating up to 7 times when I relapse. Last relapse happened today and I feel so sad the whole day wanting to cry and feeling really confused.

My problem is that I can't find the strength to go on without porn. I watched Gabe's videos and I really think that's the way forward but I feel really afraid of the moment of anxiety. I can't tell my parents and I can't tell my friends cause I'm so ashamed of doing so. So that's why I decided to start my journal here where maybe I can find support. I keep an excel file with everyday without porn and the days where I relapse. But as I said, I feel a bit confused and don't know what to do next.

The most positive thing of all these days is that I'm more and more convinced that porn is the one huge factor in my sexual problems ( and maybe in some others problems such as anxiety, sadness and so on). I just need to find the way to purge it from my life.

I hope you guys help me in that way!

Best

 

[CrateDane]

There isnt much to say except go at it!
Start the PMO today, yes relapsing will be painful and feel like a defeat but every day you go without porn is one day closer to recovery. Even if you do relapse later on the days without PMO is a victory in itself.

 

[Fappy]

The cure is there mate. Take it!
A day without porn is a good day! Your brain has been wrecked by porn. So has mine. But now we know the reason and the cure.

 

[gotta_change]

Thank you guys for your support.

I have to say it was a huge relief starting the journal and getting things out of my chest. Just being open about my case and finding people with similar issues is very helpful.

I was reflecting on what are my triggers and I find many of them. Just feeling a bit bored can work. Sometimes the use of the computer is a big trigger. I found that downloading porn to my laptop automatically releases something in my body and I feel excited just thinking about it. I left my laptop at the workplace many days but I found that useless since I can use my mobile for the same purpose.

But just this diary can work as a stopper.

Will continue!

 

[CrateDane]

I have it exactly the same way, downloading files for hours (not even watching them!) would definately get me worked up and excited, almost more than actually watching the films themselves. Weird how our brains work.

 

[gotta_change]

Hi guys

Here I am in my 3rd day with no PMO in my 4rth week since I started my reboot. To be honest I'm feeling so bad. I'm sad most of the day without any reason to and my workmates and friends are freaking out a bit. I thing is normal that I feel that way since a reboot is a huge change in a lifestyle. It implies giving up a way of meeting a need and your brain reaction is to feel bad. It feels like some kind of internal mourning. A part of you that is disappearing. In the middle of all that sadness I'm capable of envisage some kind of recovery and a new sexuality emerging if I'm capable of doing a full reboot.

Today I feel with the strength to continue my reboot. However I'm fearful of the 6th or 7th day when the urge to PMO appears really strong.

Best

 

[gotta_change]

So here I go... I relapsed again. This thing seems to be way stronger than I. I can't believe it under the pain I've been through these days. I feel a bit confused, as I don't know what to do next... I know I need to go on and leave porn behind for real. However that task seems to be really difficult for me.

I also don't know how to evaluate these days. I definitely watched way less porn as I did before, however I relapse quite frequently so I don't know if it counts towards doing a reboot....

 

[Fappy]

What are your triggers for watching porn?
The brain will do any cheap and nasty trick to convince you to watch porn. You need to kick your brain in the face a few times before it will get scared and listen to you. Starve the little bastard of porn for a few days and see what happens.

 

[Yuri]

Hey!

Dont give up!! Work with yourself! Maybe you didn't change anything!? Try some new habits. Do something new.
Relapse should be a part of recovery. Each time You should rise your willpower and learn from your mistakes.

Be strong!

 

[marsturm]

Hello alain, You can do it!
Ask yourself if you still feel the struggle to watch porn again. If yes, your consciousness hasn't taken up the fact that PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. I've had several relapses because of this. The change of heart will come by itself from left-field. All you can do is to be good to yourself and try your best.
Stay strong!

 

[gotta_change]

Hi guys!!

Happy free porn new year!

Finally I'm back after some bad relapse and thinking about new strategies. I first thinked I needed to get shame and guilt out of the equation. Addiction is about our brain, not about ourselves. So I'm trying to learn more and more about addiction, how it works, how it affect us. I decided also to set up smaller goals and to live every day without porn as a victory instead of thinking "you will fall soon"...

Another thing I learned from my relapses is how empty I feel when I use porn. And to use that feeling to stop myself the next time.

Keep you informed!!

 

[enoughisenough]

Well done, mate, you are almost at your goal!

It's really difficult, isn't it? I'm having a tough day too. Working on it. Hang in there.

When you reach your goal, I suggest you reset the counter for another week to two ahead right away! Avoid the trap of moral licensing (when your brain says "yay, I did well, I deserve a reward"... because we all know what "reward" will call to us... )

 

[Fappy]

Enoughisenough made a great point! I am guilty of this. A while ago, before my current stretch, i reached my goal of five days. I was so happy and proud of myself! Wow, i thought. I can actually do it!
My reward was thrashing my cock to amateur porn for three hours.
What a waste...
I know now to reward myself with something my brain doesnt want. My brain is an idiot.

 

[jkkk]

Good points here.

Remember, this is dopamine addiction, not porn addiction. You're addicted to the "rush". Once you starve your brain from rush to P, your brain will show you it can rush to so many more sexually-themed stuff. Watch out for: facebook, gossip sites, news in general (unless from some conservative providers ), magazines with pics of women, oggling at girls in public places. So pretty much A LOT, but this how your addicted brain will trick you.

And the guys are right about rewards. An acting out addict finds PMO as the best possible reward - no wonder that the addiction involves alterations in the REWARD CIRCUITRY. Also, even for addicts who rebooted dopamine spikes are still a very good reward - I'm feeling that myself many times. I won't go for P in the first place, but I would go lesser spikes: a bit of facebook, bit of TV, small steps with the dopamine cravings sucking you in.

There is one solution, as Fappy wrote, starve the bastard. Starve it! Don't give it an inch of dopamine. That's why it so important to cut out not only P but everything that gives you a sexually-induced dopamine spike. Your addicted reward circuitry is just able to work out around lack of P and look for other stuff that will do the same trick for it.

I also strongly suggest reading the whole thread started by William -> it's in the addiction section, it's called "Hello Gentlemen...". I'm pretty sure you will find it. Lots of wise stuff there.

Keep it up, bro! Fight on! And share whatever comes to your mind!

 

[gotta_change]

Many thanks to all of you for your advice.

My question here is:  is there any moment during the reboot where the craving for porn ceases? It comes all the time, whenever you're not occupied (sometimes even when you're busy). I know I have to keep myself busy, but there are some moments (specially at night) when I'm necessarily not busy. Is that what 'flatline' means? What exactly is the flatline? I kept reading about it but I don't completely undertand it. Is just a plateau after the withdrawal when you don't feel any sexual needs and you feel depressed?

 

[gotta_change]

Some good things of the reboot are (in my case and in this particular moment 5th day with no PMO):

-I don't look at women as possible porn stars.
-I feel atracted and interested about women where before I wasn't.
-Less anxiety about flirting. Surprisingly I'm assuming that I'm going through a period without any form of sex, so I don't feel anxious when talking to women.
-More time for me. Porn really used to took such a long time for me. Downloading films, browsing the web for porn sites, masturbating for hours. Now I can invest that time into much more interesting stuff.

Just some random stuff that crossed my mind today.

 

[gotta_change]

Hi everybody.

My reboot seems a bit stalled since I can't manage to go for more than 5 days with no PMO. The good side is that I'm still convinced that porn is a big problem for my sexuality and never consider not doing a reboot. So now I use much less porn that I used. Previously I used to masturbate around 4-5 times a day at least, with some days doing around 7 or 8 (some days with hangover I reach more than 10 I swear!). Now I relapso to porn every 5 or 4 days.

But still I can't manage to do a full reboot. I can resist the cravings the initial days but around the 5th day I will wake up at night completely out of control, and I fall into PMO with no willpower to stop it. Interestingly, a similar thing happened to me with my ex-girlfriend. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and have sex with her while I wasn't completely waken up. I never understood why that happened to me. But now I'm starting to link that with my porn addiction.

I don't know what's next. As I said I'm a bit blocked since my willpower is really weak at this moment. On the other hand I'm a bit optimistic since I'm more aware of what happens and what is the cure. I read somewhere that every time you resist a crave for porn that neuro pathways get stronger. So maybe I can have some hope there.

Keep going!!

 

[gotta_change]

Many things happened since the last time I wrote

I was able to beat my previous 7 days without any porn and I'm now on my 9th day with any P. However I did some masturbation using just fantasy. The first time was nice as I was remembering previous sexual experiences and I was able to reach an orgasm quickly, no porn fantasy or edging whatsoever. Today I did some MO but I was kind of projecting my porn fantasies (more violent and nasty) over previous sexual experiences, so it was not so nice. It wasn't a relapse however. I found that some MO in this stage might be not bad as long as porn is not an ingredient at all.

I told my psychoanalyst about my addiction and he's helping me a lot. Not just in a psychoanalytic way. Just having a real person listening to you is really beneficial.

Keep going!

 

[Perseverance]

I told my psychoanalyst about my addiction and he's helping me a lot. Not just in a psychoanalytic way. Just having a real person listening to you is really beneficial.

That?s awesome Having a real person to speak to must be priceless. I'm thinking about opening up to someone about this to get support as well, it should help but it?s difficult to choose the right person I'm finding.

Congratulations on the nine days though! Stay in there dude, you can do this  ;D

 

[gotta_change]

I failed one more time! 

Yesterday night I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night feeling so out of control and with my mind decided to consume porn. And I did. I felt so bad afterwards.

The days before relapse I was feeling so sad and a bit depressed. Everything looked so dull and the road ahead so long. However, now is even further away!!

The only thing clear for me is that I'm not giving up I will defeat this addiction. Sometimes is like deep in my soul I'm not commited to this. Maybe I need to reflect deeply about it. I think I have some self-esteem issues I need to tackle in order to get out of the addiction.

I'm still leaving my laptop at my workplace and I'm gonna start leaving my phone in the living room during the night, not to have it in my bedside table, just so close to me when I woke up in that state of mind. I'm even considering getting rid of it for a period of time and just having one older terminal with no internet, and therefore, no porn.

I appreciate all your support and comments, I'm really learning a lot.

Best