36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs

[chiefmitch88]

You're the easiest accountability partner ever NTG. You pump out the motivation and rarely require anything in terms of encouragement yourself.  You know how to take a goal and roll with it and I really admire you for that. What more can I say than keep up the great work.

If I ever need to form an elite fighting team of extraordinary gentlemen I'm coming knocking on your door first.

 

[ntg2978]

Thanks bro, I'll keep my guns ready!  ;D

 

[ntg2978]

Been doing stuff around my house today, browsing a lot of forum sites as well, and something I read really struck this "a ha!" chord in me, and something clicked.  For a while, I have been stating how I was feeling more confident and women seemed to be approaching me more and more from this feeling.  This has slowed down quite a bit, it was very noticeable when I was about 12-15 days into my reboot approximately.  I think it's slowed down more now because my sexual urges slowed down a bit, but now they are starting to resurface again, and with them the cravings...but I'm getting off track of why I'm posting.

So, for all of us that have noticed some kind of difference in the way women (in general) relate to us and respond to us, I offer one simple explanation, which I don't know if it's true or not, but seems to make sense.

Women are emotional creatures, and when men do a reboot, it's basically forcing them to learn to deal with their emotions and not run away from them.  What I suspect is that on some level, this changes men (the vibe they give off maybe) and women pick up on the fact that this particular man is more emotionally healthy than other men in comparison, and something draws them to that particular man, and they seem to open more easily when approached, or even feel drawn to talk to this particular man by sitting next to them (possibly even on an unconscious level).  Possibly, the reason that I have not noticed this type of reaction most recently, is because I have not had to deal with any of these emotions most recently; when I was having to deal with them, this is when I did find this was the case in relation to women.

Anyone else who has any experiences in relation to this, I'd be interested to hear what you think about this idea.  If your experiences seem to contradict what I'm saying or if they seem to agree with what I'm saying, post regardless, I think it's a possible explanation, but maybe not the whole picture or maybe not even in the real image, but I'm interested in trying to explain this phenomenon that many men seem to be describing.  Also, any females that want to comment, please do, I'd be very interested in getting a female perspective on this as well.

 

[Leon]

It makes sense what you say, NTG. It seems that women have a built-in radar, where they can sense a 'healthy-male', which would better propagate the species. When we're 'on the prowl' for womenfolk, they can sense the lack of control, and they sense that as weakness, and they run (unless they're also needy in that sense).

There's a truth that's found in Proverbs 31, where a son is told to '...not give his strength to women, nor his ways to that which destroys kings'. It's really true, that when we chase after the beauty of a woman, and are controlled in a sense by that, or rather, by our own passions, it bleeds strength from us.

Most women are instead drawn to strength and not weakness.

 

[JeyEss]

NTG, that is the same EXACT way I view sex. I'm not nervous, but I just don't feel ANYTHING from it. I'm working on that myself. I imagine you're in the process of rebooting.

I'm sorry to hear about your past. My cousins I think dealt with the same situation... but your past should still not reflect on your sexual performance.

Every kind of sexually explicit material can put you in the wrong state of mind, and can also affect the way we think of sex. Example---bringing up nastier thoughts to get the same pleasure. 

I imagine it's gona take some time for you to recover, but you'll get there. In the meantime, reach out for support.

 

[ntg2978]

Yeah Leon, I totally agree man.  Women are drawn to strong men, and when men are wasting their energy and time to porn and masturbation, they are giving away their strength to that; in addition, they are also usually running from emotions at the same time, so they don't have anything to give women, just become takers.

Hey JeyEss, welcome to the forums man!  Thanks for the kind words man; I'm actually doing fairly well now.  I view sex as a natural part of life, so as long as I'm feeling those emotions and it's real (meaning I'm not indulging in it with women that are not there - porn, chatting, etc.) then I'm fine with it.  To me, this is a reboot to stop all the fake shit, that's what we're talking about, getting a dopamine release from something that is not physically present.  If your experience of sex is anything like what I talked about in my first few posts, then take heart man, recently, I've been able to be much more present when I'm with a woman, and I don't find myself disassociating from the experience anymore.  I'm not fully recovered from my PIED, it's sporadic, and it still depends on some visual stimulation on the woman's part, but it's getting much better.  Many guys run from the cravings; I take a different appraoch - I embrace them, because anytime we feel STRONG emotions that are pleasurable, our brains are re-wired much faster (a principle in NLP).  So, when I have cravings, I visualize myself with a real woman, if being with a woman is not possible at that time.  I hope this helps you on your journey man.

 

[ntg2978]

Day 41:
It's been pretty cold here the last few days, I've been mostly a shut-in, because I don't even feel like going out.  Been working on business-related stuff, posting on forums, and relaxing a bit.  After working about a year driving trucks, usually 14 hour days, gone for 5-6 days, home for 1 or 1 1/2 days; and then working non-stop for 2 years, dealing with back & knee injuries, dealing with the divorce, my daughter, starting my own business, etc. I was really fucking tired! lol  I realized this, and this has been a nice time to be able to just put the brakes on a little bit, but it's showtime now.  Recently got a flyer created for a guy I'm working with, and they are going to go live soon, so we'll see how this goes.  When your ass is against a wall, you can't fall, and you better believe it's all or fucking nothing now!  Peace RN.

P.S. If you guys need some motivation, check out http://youtu.be/0tuK0sk_D1M

 

[Leon]

Wishing you success in your latest ventures, NTG.

 

[harpoon]

Hi ntg.

i've just noticed ur journal. I too am 36 with a 20-year porn addiction. I can see many similarities from your posts, so just wanted to say best of luck and  keep fighting.

 

[lyon03]

Best of luck with the business NTG! I'm rooting for you brother.

 

[ntg2978]

Thanks for the replies and support Leon & lyon.  Nice to meet ya harpoon, we can do it man.  Nothing much to report today, have not had a lot of challenges, been a little busy, so going to keep this one short & sweet.  If you guys need motivation, check out:

http://youtu.be/GwfhH8yDZQo

 

[JeyEss]

I embrace your words NTG. Good luck with the business! Keep fighting for yourself and only yourself. I got a long ways to go but this is gona be the turn around for me. I can already see that.

thank you for replying man

 

[ImInControl]

Brooo!! U are doing awesome as ever man!!
Keep feeding your minds with positive stuff (as I see you are doing with the YT videos   - Keep em coming!) ..

You are headed in the right direction. Keep doing the stuff that makes you happy. Keep doing what u love to do.
This is very important for all of us.. to have a sense of direction as a man.. following our passions!

and yea, I totally agree with you, that women sense, that we are doing something better for our selfes.
I wishing the best for going at your company!.. remember to work on the things you find awesome, and outsource the boring stuff!.. ( i just odesk.com alot ).

 

[nomox3]

Freedom from the sense of  shame. think that is mostly What has caused a noticeable difference in the way women react, or respond to me. The idea that before I knew I was going to the fake crap online because I thought I had to. That kills any type of confidence. Women are attracted to confident men. So the shame of knowing my depravity style that confidence no matter how hard I tried to fake it.

Knowing that you have something going on out side of yourself too. Women want to support a man who is doing something great! If all your energy is focused on getting a girl, or MO'ing to P,  Then you are self absorbed, and they can sense that. Just my thoughts on it though.

Good luck with the work! Keep on being free from P!

 

[ntg2978]

Well, my computer's monitor recently stopped working, so I was not able to get online here for a while.  Also, my business has been going very slowly, not making enough, so I'm having to start a job and work on my own PT.  I'm definitely not giving up on my dream though, and staying strong.  I hope all of you are doing well and staying strong.  Won't be able to devote as much time to this website as in the past as I won't be working from home any longer for a little while.  I'm still going strong with no PMO, and feeling really good.  Porn does not even tempt me anymore at this point.  I get cravings now (I'm at day 50), but not for porn, just for sexual intimacy, which I think is healthy.  I cannot always act on these desires, so I still workout or read or something until I am in a place where I can.

For those of you starting out, I'd like to offer a few tips that have helped me get this far:

1. Focus on your life and your goals, not on how long it's been since you PMO'd last.  Let porn become something that's in your rearview mirror of life.

2. When you're tempted to look at porn, read about the real-life porn stars who tell about their experiences when not behind the camera, at http://www.thepinkcross.org - it really has a way of dehumanizing the whole industry and leaves you with this sick feeling about porn, which is a good thing, because it really is sick - that is reality.

3. Get involved in helping others on this site, especially when you're first starting out.  I've seen a lot of blogs on here, where not many people post to them, because the people who post them don't post on others' blogs.  Reach out to others first, and they will reach out to you as well.  Get that feeling of brotherhood or sisterhood from this website and others like it.

4. Focus on meeting people in real life; go out and date, or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, then learn how to approach women.  Oftentimes, men use porn as a way of ignoring the fact that they don't feel comfortable approaching and talking with women (I"ve done this in the past as well).  Instead, be real with yourself and learn what you need to know in order to deal with your ignorances and fix yourself, instead of ignoring your limits.

5. Don't use other things besides porn in order to stay away from porn; don't use video games, movies, etc. because it will just keep giving your bran a dopamine fix, and will keep you in that phase where you'll keep feeling withdrawls.  Best way is to stop doing all the fake stuff, realizing that it is just that, fake, and that you must surround yourself with reality if you are to get well.  Face life, face your fears, feel the feelings you are trying to ignore and pretend do not exist, and you will no longer be subject to them.

Lastly, I have posted this URL I don't know how many times, but it really is one of the best eye-openers and pieces of advice out there, I believe, so check out this post by Underdog:

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

I will keep coming back here and posting when I can.  Everyone stay strong and keep fighting for what you want in life!

Nate

 

[lyon03]

Well done Nate! Great post and excellent advice. I think #5 (staying off porn substitutes) is very good advice and often overlooked. It's absurd to think you've given up the dopamine spikes when watching "Gigolos" for example. I myself gave up TV (forever) because it really was just soft porn. I also appreciated your point about encouraging others. By sharing and caring, we not only help others but also invite that good karma into our own lives. With regards to your business, stick with it! I remember hating my part-time job until my business could support me and that was 7 years ago. Dreams are definitely worth it. Be well my friend. PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.

 

[ImInControl]

Hey,
What a great post!..  and thank u for that link,, its been really good reading it!..
Look forward to read how everything is going with you and business. We speak up soon

 

[ntg2978]

So, this is my update.  I've been trying to find work that will help me pay bills and get out of some debt I'm in, and I had signed up for one company, and then that fell through, and now I'm signed up with another one, and we'll see what happens.  I'm also considering changing my whole perspective and maybe trying for UCBP or something similar, since I have law enforcement background as well, so I'll keep you updated on that too.  Life is a bit difficult right now, don't know what I'm going to do, not a lot of stability at all, everything is jumbled, but I'm not discouraged or down or anything.  I realize that life sometimes is vibrant and full of healthy growth and sometimes it's more stagnant, and we have to bite the bullet and hunker down for the storm.  Overall, I'm doing well, and really have enjoyed seeing my daughter on the weekends.

I'm glad you found the post and link helpful bro, I really loved it too, when I found it.

Thanks lyon, you're the inspiration bro, going strong at over 100 days!  Keep going man, that's awesome.

Alright, signing off.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing NTG. Always a pleasure reading your posts. I agree that long-term recovery from porn addiction is less interesting than the 'pink cloud' happines of early reboot. We beat addiction only to be confronted with all the problems we were running from: debts; bad relationships; sh*tty jobs. You've been a constant source of strength to me and many others here so keep going brother!

 

[ntg2978]

Thanks lyon, you too man.  We're all in this together.

So, on day 60, I guess it is now, I'm having to entirely change my focus of my life, because of some recent developments.  I had planned on doing trucking or some sort of job where I would be away from home for about 5 days at a time, because I have my daughter on the weekends.  However, I recently learned that my ex has my daughter in a state-funded day care, and because the state is funding it, she has to attend, even if my ex has a day off, and could keep her home...that is just crazy in my opinion, and very destructive for my daughter.

So, I've made a decision yesterday.  I was going to try to repay all this debt I have by getting a job where I could net roughly $4000 per month, but now I've decided to declare bankruptcy because I'm going to ask for 50% legal & physical custody of my daughter, and get rid of everything but the bare essentials, so I can work a simple job and maybe go back to school and finish my marketing degree w/ the GI bill assistance.

When I put myself in the future by 10-12 yrs, and hear my daughter ask me why I didn't try to spend more time with her, and hearing myself say it's because I had to work, I knew that it was not a valid option.  This will absolutely ruin my credit and financial standing for a while, but it is worth it if I get to keep my daughter and see her more and keep her out of a daycare where kids are fighting, biting each other, and throwing toys.

I really don't know what the future holds at this point, but I do have a place to go if I cannot rent a place, so I'm taken care of in that regard, thank God.  I've come up with another motto for myself from all this, that credit cards are not an option either.  My mindset previously was that if I didn't have the income, I could put it on credit if it was a necessity (my dog's surgery, my car getting fixed, etc.) but that has put me so far in debt, it is ridiculous.  So, my new mindset is credit cards are not an option, and everything will be paid for from income only.

My pipes in my house recently froze, but thank God I was able to thaw them out before they burst, so no major damage.  I was supposed to have been gone when it happened, but was not, because the company I was working with could not find a bus ticket for me to take due to the weather.  I'm so thankful I was not gone, because they would have surely burst and then I would have a whole new set of problems as well!

Other than these things, I'm doing great.  Still staying positive and looking to the future as being bright, and making a plan of action to get myself back in shape financially and looking so forward to seeing my daughter much more than I currently do.  No one but a parent can understand that feeling.