Long Term Perspective

[Exanimate]

I've been experiencing a number of problems caused by PA for years now.

This is essentially what I want to do to keep on track:
Don't think about porn/sex/sexual topics or fantasize.
Exercise daily.
Keep working towards my personal goals.
Do a few things to help stay positive every day, (very simple things).
I'd be happy for any advice from more experienced members on how to modify this list.

Even though these are seemingly simple things to do, I've failed to do them consistently. I'll try to report regularly on how I've done each day.

I find it hard to stay motivated. Getting really into pursuing your goals seems to require some sensitivity and openness to life, but I mostly wall everything out. There's sort of a rejection of the world, if that makes sense. I've been consistently, chronically depressed for so many years that most people seem to take it as just part of my character. I can't even convince myself that porn is the cause of my depression, even though it seems so from a logical perspective. Progression of porn addiction, depression, anxiety, all seem to have come hand in hand, and this is consistent with a lot of what other members have reported, but the emotional part of me won't fully accept it.

I don't even really enjoy porn, it's really disgusting, but so far I haven't been able to stop. This isn't actually surprising. As I've learned from neurology, the mechanisms behind motivation and pleasure are related but distinct. In other words, even though the actual porn session isn't enjoyable, I still feel massive needs for it. This is why people watch TV, even though they don't actually enjoy watching TV (apparently there's research that claims people enjoy their work much more than watching TV during time off.)  It has fast changing scenes, going from one dramatic event to the other, and so people sometimes find themselves watching TV when a lot of other activities would be more relaxing and pleasant. Thus it seems to be with porn, and a lot of things.

I'm apparently not too good at this (recovery), so I'd really appreciate any advice from the successfully recovered here.

Anyways, hope this unorganized mess was readable. I'm going to write a nightly summary of how I did during the day on this journal - (the purpose of this journal) - so I can routinely see how I'm doing and remind myself of my goals on PA and related things. I'm trying to improve my consistency by doing this every night.

 

[marsturm]

Hey Exanimate, Welcome to Reboot Nation! It's really great to have you here. Although I have not been a member for a long time and have only been 18 days clean from PMO, I could relate to your discussion of depression and how you feel cut off from life. I would like to share a bit of myself here:

After 3 long psychotherapies (primal scream, client-centered, psychoanalytical) I realised a few months ago that I am actually fine and have always been. It helped me tremendously to read "The Inside-Out Revolution" by Michael Neill and also "The Serenity Principle" by Joe Bailey, the latter focusing on recovery from addiction in general.

What caused the shift for me was to see that my thoughts exclusively create my reality, and when those thoughts settle down, I am fine. In psychotherapy, they always told me that I was depressive because x, y, z. Now I believe that I had depressive thoughts, that's all - it's really harmless AND it feels shitty. BIG difference though in my everyday life.

How does this relate to my reboot? First of all, I had to get away from 12-step groups. Focusing on my problems in depth does not really help, and I was never able to stay sober in SLAA. It was somehow helpful, and for me it was a big breakthrough on my journey to believe in myself and stop going to meetings. When I still couldn't get sober, I luckily found Reboot Nation and understood that my PA was in fact a dopamine addiction.

No-one had ever said that to me, and sometimes I was even greeted with comments like "That's what normal guys do, don't worry." But I still worried and I knew it didn't feel right. So viewing all the information I could get about dopamine highs was the thing for me. Also, I had a wake-up call when my suspicion of feeling lifeless under the belt will get worse  if I continue to PMO proved to be true. Then it was easy for me to install K9 without hesitating, something I had avoided before at all costs with the stupidest excuses (boiling down to one fact: I WANTED to PMO).

So I believe getting back to life involves several things:

1) Realising that my thoughts create an illusion that feels 100% real - still, it's an illusion. If I let go, there is nothing I need to do and my default setting will kick in - ultimate well-being.

2) Getting all the information I can on how dopamine rushes cut me off from life, so I can see where I am still addicted although I don't PMO (e.g. looking at guys for too long, anything that feels interestingly too hot, etc.)

3) Checking myself for signs of "It's OK to PMO again because ..." That's a sure sign for a relapse.

Hope this helps a bit. Keep strong and you can do it!

 

[Exanimate]

Well, here's what I was planning to do each night:
This is essentially what I want to do to keep on track:
Don't think about porn/sex/sexual topics or fantasize.
Before I made this topic I had relapsed this morning, but since then I think I've done good at not perpetuating sexual thoughts.

I'm only going to fill this out if I actually had some kind of trouble with it, 'cause no point in thinking about not thinking about it if you didn't think about it.

Exercise daily:
Did some push-ups but didn't run.

Keep working towards my personal goals:
Pretty bad in this area-Christmas form a distraction.

Do a few things to help stay positive every day, (very simple things):
I did take a little positivity exercise recommended by Psychologist Shawn Achor-just writing down three things you're grateful for or optimistic about on a habitual basis. Couldn't hurt, and could help in an easy way. Anyways, I spent time with a friend I haven't seen in quite a while today, so that was good.

I'll probably find a better method of keeping inventory tomorrow but I must sleep so this'll have to do for now.

 

[Exanimate]

Hey Exanimate, Welcome to Reboot Nation! It's really great to have you here. Although I have not been a member for a long time and have only been 18 days clean from PMO, I could relate to your discussion of depression and how you feel cut off from life. I would like to share a bit of myself here:

After 3 long psychotherapies (primal scream, client-centered, psychoanalytical) I realised a few months ago that I am actually fine and have always been. It helped me tremendously to read "The Inside-Out Revolution" by Michael Neill and also "The Serenity Principle" by Joe Bailey, the latter focusing on recovery from addiction in general.

What caused the shift for me was to see that my thoughts exclusively create my reality, and when those thoughts settle down, I am fine. In psychotherapy, they always told me that I was depressive because x, y, z. Now I believe that I had depressive thoughts, that's all - it's really harmless AND it feels shitty. BIG difference though in my everyday life.

How does this relate to my reboot? First of all, I had to get away from 12-step groups. Focusing on my problems in depth does not really help, and I was never able to stay sober in SLAA. It was somehow helpful, and for me it was a big breakthrough on my journey to believe in myself and stop going to meetings. When I still couldn't get sober, I luckily found Reboot Nation and understood that my PA was in fact a dopamine addiction.

No-one had ever said that to me, and sometimes I was even greeted with comments like "That's what normal guys do, don't worry." But I still worried and I knew it didn't feel right. So viewing all the information I could get about dopamine highs was the thing for me. Also, I had a wake-up call when my suspicion of feeling lifeless under the belt will get worse  if I continue to PMO proved to be true. Then it was easy for me to install K9 without hesitating, something I had avoided before at all costs with the stupidest excuses (boiling down to one fact: I WANTED to PMO).

So I believe getting back to life involves several things:

1) Realising that my thoughts create an illusion that feels 100% real - still, it's an illusion. If I let go, there is nothing I need to do and my default setting will kick in - ultimate well-being.

2) Getting all the information I can on how dopamine rushes cut me off from life, so I can see where I am still addicted although I don't PMO (e.g. looking at guys for too long, anything that feels interestingly too hot, etc.)

3) Checking myself for signs of "It's OK to PMO again because ..." That's a sure sign for a relapse.

Hope this helps a bit. Keep strong and you can do it!

Yeah, habitual thoughts seem to be the most important factor in someone's life trajectory. The trouble's with acting on this information - trying to suppress or eliminate a certain thought usually just makes it reappear more often than before. I'm just trying to develop a certain kind of detachment - neither fighting nor accepting a certain thought. It helps to know that perceptions are hardly trustworthy: for example, research claims that employers who believe that people primarily work for profit tend to hire nothing but people who fit this view, and employers who believe that people work for more socially acceptable motives find themselves with employees who work for those motives. Anyways, I've come to think my specific problem probably originates neurologically and chemically, not psychologically, but the psychological is what makes it much worst.

Thanks for commenting, your post was really interesting.