Patience, understanding&self-awareness:The key to supporting myself & my partner

[Flora]

Hello all!

I don't really know where to begin.
My partner is a PMO addict. Quite a while ago he confessed that he had an addiction but refused to tell me exactly what it was. We have been together for almost 2 years now and have had a few serious relationship issues.

It all started when we met in my home country two years ago, we fell in love and stayed in touch. Finally we decided to be in a long-distance relationship for almost 6 months, then I moved to his home country for half a year. While being in a long-distance relationship with him, I was still in touch with my ex-boyfriend of 6,5 years. I told my ex-boyfriend that I missed him (not because I missed him as my partner, but as my best friend) which maybe shows that I was not entirely over him, but I didn't feel the need to get back together with him. I just simply missed the person I spent 6 years with- which is probably very selfish, as I see it today. Back then I wasn't able to understand.
I hadn't told my partner about that and he found out by reading a chat which deeply hurt him and he lost his trust in me.
We've talked that through over and over, I made some very poor choices afterwards which I now believe had something to do with my partner's addiction. Please don't get me wrong, he didn't make me do them! But the symptoms of PMO (feeling disconnected to my partner, him being irritable and easily to upset, blowing up at me, feeling less attracted to me etc.) effected his behavior towards me which made me feel worthless, unattractive, disconnected to him and myself and also guilty. Which in return affected my behavior and decision-making. So actually it is more a circle, and I am not entirely sure if his addiction is part of our relationship issues, but it definitely  had an effect on how he behaved towards me at times.

I am from Europe, my partner is not and when we decided to move to my home country our issues just took over. He struggled finding a job and we were not aware of how difficult it was to go through visa processes. He spent most of his savings and got more and more depressed by that. I don't know how excessively his PMO was at that time, but one time I found porn on his computer. That was after he had told me that he had an addiction- he just said something like there was a connection with testosterone. But from that moment on I suspected his addiction had something to do with porn.

Anyways, I am not getting anywhere with this... We have been on and off for a while but finally we talked about our relationship issues and we have been working on them since because we love each other and we want to be together. I made mistakes and I am terribly sorry for them. I cannot undo the past, If I could I would. And my partner has been wonderful, more loving and caring than ever!

But back to my problem:
 
I know that he's been addicted to porn for almost 10 years now, but he doesn't know that I know about it.
Sometimes he would tell me he didn't feel like having sex and I. And sometimes while having sex he wanted to stop just because he didn't feel like finishing. All that confused me so much and I thought I wasn't good enough in bed. OR not attractive enough.
And then I found out about his PMO addiction because I read something he wrote on a blog himself. I know it's him because he mentioned us.
I tried to tell him in a letter that I knew about his addiction. He never reacted to that but continued behaving wonderfully. I am not sure how to deal with that situation. I cannot talk to him about it because he doesn't want to confess, nor talk to me about it.
I feel that this addiction is like a sword above our heads, a big secret that keeps us from really connecting.

I feel pathetic writing this, but I need some help. I need someone to talk to, this drives me crazy.

When my partner told me he had an addiction and that it was the reason why he treated me badly at times, he asked me not to tell anyone because he was ashamed. But because I couldn't deal with it I told my best friend. And of course he found out. He understands why I did it though but of course is even less willing to tell me more about his addiction.
But I believe that we have to open up to each other because not talking about it was what caused me talking about it to my best friend in the first place.

I want to do the right thing by him, I am not going to tell anyone about the connection to PMO. But I need to talk to someone. I feel that I am losing my self-confidence because I think I am not good enough for him, why would he turn to porn otherwise? On the other hand I know that he's been addicted for 10 years, so actually it has nothing to do with me.
It drives me crazy that we cannot talk openly about it because I am willing to support him, with all my heart. But I cannot because he won't open up to me and I need support myself.

I am not blaming my partner at all. He is a wonderful person and I love him very much. I am just desperate and I feel alone with my thoughts and feelings.

Thank you so much for listening to me, I very much appreciate it. 

 

[CrateDane]

You already know that the problem isn't that he no longer finds you attractive or that you are bad in bed, neither of those are true. The problem is the porn addiction!
I suggest showing him this site and yourbrainonporn.com. If you are uncomfortable bringing up the subject again, maybe just leave a note around the house with the addresses on.
He might be reluctant to go to these sites but if he is even a tiny bit willing to improve this situation, he will visit the sites at some point and learn about these issues.
Good luck!

 

[Chaos Mind]

Dear Flora (what a wonderful name!),

please don't mix up the two things:
(a) your personal relationship problems (dealing with you ex-boyfriend, acts of jealousy, long-distance relationships, etc.)
(b) his struggle with porn and implications, such as delayed ejaculation or ED

As soon as you try to explain (b) with (a) you're getting onto the wrong train and chains of logic drive the two of you in a position where you won't be able to continue. Instead I suggest you take (b) as an opportunity to get over (a). Get what I mean?

You did the right steps, informing yourself about the addiction and accepting he has a problem. Do you know how many women would simply call him a pervert and leave? You understand he did something wrong, but you are willing to help him out of this situation. Moreover you need to understand that he is not particularly eager to talk to you about it. As a representive of the male species I can tell you: the worst thing for many men is showing weakness. And this, Flora, is a complete loss over control over sexuality which makes it double complicated.

In my opinion your first action should be an attempt to get through to him. Make him absolutely sure that you are NOT mad at him. That you do NOT judge him. And that you will keep it private (which, unfortunately, you didn't - but what's done is done...just make sure he regains his trust in you). Once he is able to talk to you about it, he will feel better. Then get him to register at a site like this and encourage him to withdraw from porn. With your help! There are so many nice techniques couples can do to speed up the process. It's so much easier when you have a partner compared to being lonely.

I wish the two of you the best of luck!

 

[Flora]

Hello you two!

Thank you so much for your response, I very much appreciate them!

CrateDane, thank you for your advice. I wrote him a letter and told him what I knew about PMO and that I thought that is what he suffers from. From what I read, you are doing great, keep it up, I am sure you will beat it!

Chaos Mind, thank you for taking the time to me. I think you are right with everything you said. What I tried to tell you guys before (and I was in a very upsetting state of mind at that time): I am pretty sure my partner's PMO addiciton influenced the way we dealt with our realtionship issues. When we first met my partner was understanding, loving and caring. Then our issues appeared (and of course I took my part in them), but he became more and more a person who was easily irritable, forgetful, very frustrated, emotionally impulsive - sometimes he also cursed me and called me names.
Therefore I think you are very right and his PMO addiction played a big role in how we dealt with our issues.

My partner is already registered on a blog like this, I know that because that's how I found out.
I know that he suffers and he doesn't want to be addicted anymore. My problem is that I know about his PMO addiction and I wanted/needed to talk about it, even mentioned PMO to him, but he never replied to that. I can only imagine how it must feel for a guy to lose control over his sexual drive.
I think you are right there too, Chaos Mind. I need to show him, that he can trust me, stick to my promises and don't tell anyone else about his addiction- even my best friend doesn't know what it is. Maybe he will feel safe and comfortable to tell me about it sometime.

The last few weeks with him have been really wonderful, he is trying to beat his addiction. I've noticed through his behavior. We hardly fight, we disagree every know and then on things, but we are always able to talk about it very calmly. He is much more affectionate, hugs me and gives me kisses which in return makes me feel loved and appreciated.

I've read quite a lot about PMO and the stories of PMO addicts.
I want to tell all of you that I am very impressed by how you are dealing with your issues. To admit that you have a problem and to open up to others is the first step to beating your addiction and to start a new, wonderful and fulfilling life.
You are all doing so great and I want you to keep in mind:
You are not your addiction! You are wonderful persons with lots of qualities. You deserve every love and support. I wish you all the strenth you need to keep that in mind for the new year.

Flora

 

[Melkorka]

Flora

I understand how hard it is when the person you love isn't willing to talk to you about what he is struggling with.  I am in that same boat.  My boyfriend is trying to recover, working on a forum like this one, not communicating with me much about his recovery or his feelings in that area, but still showing effort to give me the affection and love that I need.  It makes me feel good and bad at the same time.

Hang in there.  People are here for you.  Keep taking care of you, and try not to be frustrated in you attempts to be there for him.

 

[Chaos Mind]

Hey Flora,

the characteristics of his former behaviour sound very much like the typical implimcations of the addiction. Take frustration as an example. What does it mean to be frustrated? It means you don't see any options to solve a problem. The firmer your state of mind and the better your gray matter works, the easier you find solutions. He lacks of patience, because excessive porn consumption makes you feel like you can have anything you like at anytime. You can stimulate yourself with a picture or movie you desire and you get a dopamine kick sooo easily. I used to reveal unfair behaviour towards my girlfriend too, like when she came home earlier as a surprise and "ruined" the finish of my PMO. I should have been happy about it, but I was grumpy for the rest of my night. It is frustration! Because I couldn't get what I wanted. Sorry, not what I wanted...what I "needed". And it's frustrating, too, when you realize that you let porn ruin a wonderful evening with your beloved one once more.

The last few weeks with him have been really wonderful, he is trying to beat his addiction. I've noticed through his behavior. We hardly fight, we disagree every know and then on things, but we are always able to talk about it very calmly. He is much more affectionate, hugs me and gives me kisses which in return makes me feel loved and appreciated.

Hey, that's good news! I'm so happy for you
I quit just one week ago and I felt the same like it apparently did for your boyfriend. It is not necessarily due to our "rebooting brain", but the happiness about the WILL to change something. It's the enthusiasm. You might know that if you've ever dieted after long time of postponing it. Only that "eating" is not an addiction in that sense, but porn consumption is. Now is the time to encourage him and show him that he is on the right track.

Thanks for your kind words, Flora. We all wish that other people were as understanding and positive as you are. Speaking of positive...is there any way you can change the title of this thread? I think it deserves a more positive attitude, now that you're doing so great again!

 

[toofat]

I didn't read any of the other replies, so forgive me if any of this is just repeating things you've already read.


It sounds like you are looking for hope that things will travel down a path of change and get better, and that you are also looking for some words of advice to help you to get things on that path. It's completely possible for things to change. Believe in that. But in order for things to change it's going to primarily take a commitment from the person who has the addiction. He has to want to change, and commit to the struggle that comes about from quitting.


I made a point to say his commitment is primary in order to instill the idea that it's not all it will take. I strongly feel that understanding and support are also major contributing factors. If he commits, then it's important that you understand the struggles he will be facing and provide support when things get hard.


I think that the most helpful tools will be GOOD communication and a general plan. Communication is a given with any relationship regardless of the status or problems, but it becomes infinitesimally more important in challenges such as these. Part of good communication is the ability to empathize with the other individual. This means being able to put yourself in their position and trying to understand their unique perspective. Empathy and sympathy are not the same thing, and instead of breaking them down I encourage you to read more about it elsewhere.


The other tool I mentioned was a general plan. I emphasize general because it's important to understand that things almost never go exactly as planned. But, if you have some solid goals in mind when making your plans together, then when detours arise you can still keep your eyes on the prize without getting too distracted by the bumps in the road.




All these things being said, I ask you to keep in mind: though this challenge effects the both of you, it has to start with a decision and commitment made by only him. If he decides he doesn't want to change or is unable to commit himself, you need to consider your options. If you stay, you stay knowing he's chosen to continue having this addiction or at lease being OK with it. At this point if you are unhappy in the relationship the only person you can fault is yourself for staying in it.


Check out some of the information on getting ready to quit, the way people prepare themselves, and some of the difficulties you can expect to run into along the way. If you talk with him and he decides to try to quit, use those resources to help make a plan. And remember, you can't plan the way he's going to quit and expect him to follow through. It has to be a plan he can work with, and therefore needs to be a part of making. And just because you think something may really be key to quitting, doesn't mean he will feel the same way.


Good luck

 

[Flora]

Toofat, thank you so much for your kind words of support and experience.
My partner and I are working on our communication, it has been much better lately, but there is still lots of space for improvement.
Recently we had quite a fight. In my opinion, that shows that his reboot is affecting our relationshsip to some degree.
I went into the kitchen in the morning and he had not cleaned up the stove properly. I left that for him because I didn't want to clean up after him and when he came I asked him to clean up but must have said it in a way which offended him. I said something unnecessarily childish and I know that was highly unnecessary, but I felt kind of angry because he had teased me all day and I had asked him to stop that. So when he entered the kitchen asking "why haven't you started the washing yet?" He meant that as a joke, but I felt treated unfairly and unconsciously lost control about what I said. He became angry and I think when he becomes angry I become defensive - so I tried talking to him (even blocking his way because I felt the deep urge to talk) instead of leaving him alone which just made it worse. Eventually he blew up and locked himself in the bedroom without a phone or computer.
I know that I cannot blame his addiction for that fight but I noticed that every time he is on a reboot after a relapse, he is much more moody, flat and irritable. Before the relapse I I believe he would have said something like "I don't like the way you are talking to me, you know I am usually a clean person. Tell me what's wrong with you, why are you getting so upset about it?. I think we would have been able to talk about it calmly.
But this time he felt personally attacked and when he asked for the reason for my behavior he didn't take it well. He said things like "No wonder that I blow up when you talk to me like I am a child. Of course I will blow up when you stand in my way." I think I just don't understand why someone has to blow up during a discussion. Why does someone has to lose his temper? But I do understand that he felt treated unfairly.
And later that day we had another fight. On our way home I asked him if it was okay to do my studies for a few hours while he could do whatever he wanted. He felt happy about that and when we were home and I got started on my studies, he started playing a computer game. He had the sound turned up and I could not do my work because I felt distracted. Unfortunately the apartment has one bedroom only and he could not go anywhere else to play. Therefore he was reminded of situations in the past when we lived together and became flat, thinking about how it would be if we moved in together again, thinking rather negatively about it. That discussion also got kind of out of control?
Anyway, we were able so solve our issues and eventually talked everything through which I am very grateful for because  Sometimes I can behave unfairly too and sometimes I can be quite stubborn. I know that our relationship has improved A LOT and most of the time we have been really great together, understanding and supporting. He is a wonderful man, I do not want to imagine being without him anymore. It always makes me very sad how PMO could have influenced his life and how bad he must feel because of it.
I cannot help but wonder: I know his addiction is not the reason for our relationship issues. But can PMO have an influence on how he behaves in our discussions and fights? Could PMO be the reason for the way one thinks and for his point of views (being quite judgmental and being easily annoyed by others) even if it has nothing to do with P and is not related to that at all? I am really willing to support him in everything he needs, I just wish he would talk to me about his addiction. On the other hand, I also understand that he wants to deal with it himself. Maybe he doesn't want PMO to play such a big role in his life and feels if he talks about it, it makes him vulnerable and I betrayed his trust once, why would he open up to me about it?

Thank you all so much for your support!

 

[CrateDane]

I cannot help but wonder: I know his addiction is not the reason for our relationship issues. But can PMO have an influence on how he behaves in our discussions and fights? Could PMO be the reason for the way one thinks and for his point of views (being quite judgmental and being easily annoyed by others) even if it has nothing to do with P and is not related to that at all? I am really willing to support him in everything he needs, I just wish he would talk to me about his addiction. On the other hand, I also understand that he wants to deal with it himself. Maybe he doesn't want PMO to play such a big role in his life and feels if he talks about it, it makes him vulnerable and I betrayed his trust once, why would he open up to me about it?

Thank you all so much for your support!

It probably can, if he is going through the reboot and suffering from some of the nastier sideeffects such as flatlining, insomnia, stress or even depression it can definately alter his moods enough that he wont be very fun to be around. Now I dont know if this is the situation but it could very well be.

 

[Chaos Mind]

Hi again, Flora!

Do you know what's way worse than having a fight? Keeping the frustration in.
If he blows up for apparently "no reason", it means he started dealing with the frustration. He used to be grumpy but kept his mouth shot. He used to be mad, but didn't show. Instead he waited until you left, turned on the computer and PMO'd his problems away. If he is any like me, he did that for several hours, depending on how far he needed to run away. Then, when you come home again, he felt shame for himself and didn't talk. His bad emotions were gone, but nothing had improved.

Today, this putative outlet is now gone, so he vents his anger right away. Love and hate are so close togehter! So close! Those we love are the quickest to make us mad. Maybe he overreacted. Maybe he was too sensitive or irritable. But he did the right thing. His anger was quick. He cooled down in the bedroom and when he came out, he was another person again. If you want it: he learns to get along with feelings. 

I cannot help but wonder: I know his addiction is not the reason for our relationship issues. But can PMO have an influence on how he behaves in our discussions and fights? Could PMO be the reason for the way one thinks and for his point of views (being quite judgmental and being easily annoyed by others) even if it has nothing to do with P and is not related to that at all?

Still you have to be carefull not to blame his PMO for everything he does which you don't like. We all have our habits. You do not PMO, but still you have your weak spots and he has a right to dislike them. People can be assholes, with or without porn. People can be judgemental, easily annoyed....with or without porn. In my opinion we have no right to make others change for us. And that holds for the two of you. You cannot forbid him to be angry. But he cannot forbit you to be sad about that. This is the principle of every relationship. You do as you like, but you need to face the other's consequence. And you accept that.

Be patient, Flora. Do not put up with everything. There are more reasons for men to behave strangely than just porn and if you don't like something, say it. You may defend yourself and show him what hurts you. But silently you need to be patient with him.

 

[Flora]

Thankyou CrateDane, I very much appreciate your opinion. Neither can I be certain how much of an impact his reboot can have, but I feel it has an impact on how understanding or moody he is.

Chaos Mind, I agree with you, regarding what you wrote about voicing ones anger and frustration. Of course I'd rather have him telling me about it than practicing PMO. Sometimes I am just scared by his (in my opinion) very strong reactions. He becomes so angry that I don't know how to deal with it and it leaves me felling anxious. But anyways, that doesn't happen frequently any more, but when it happens it just throws me off track. Nevertheless I am glad he voices his feelings and you are right, love and hate are close together.

Still you have to be carefull not to blame his PMO for everything he does which you don't like. We all have our habits. You do not PMO, but still you have your weak spots and he has a right to dislike them. People can be assholes, with or without porn. People can be judgemental, easily annoyed....with or without porn. In my opinion we have no right to make others change for us. And that holds for the two of you. You cannot forbid him to be angry. But he cannot forbit you to be sad about that. This is the principle of every relationship. You do as you like, but you need to face the other's consequence. And you accept that.

I think you are right, I noticed that I have been thinking about how much his PMO could have effected our relationship and therefore have been focusing on it. And of course I don't want to forbid him anything. He is a wonderful, smart man with lots of visions for the future. It just makes me very sad to see how PMO effects him, he loses track, becomes very negative in his thinking and irritable. That certainly doesn't make him happy and I sometimes feel desperate because even if I try to tell him how I meant what I said, he has to bring it up again and again, explaining it several times because he cannot see it from my point of view. But I noticed as longer he stays away from PMO, as more empathetic and understanding he becomes.

I do love this man. And I love myself too. I will support him as good as I can and will have to make sure that I do not lose myself in the process. That means I also have to look after myself. As I mentioned in another post earlier, the past few weeks have been really wonderful and he has been a loving partner (even if we had a few more intense discussions).
I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason- he and I were supposed to meet. I am confident that there will be a way out of his misery and I wish all of you the strength to beat your addiction! You are far more than that! Believe in yourselves and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. You all are much stronger than you think.

Flora

 

[Chaos Mind]

Hoping to hear how you guys are doing out there!

 

[Flora]

Hello!

It's been a while and there have been a few ups and downs.

My SO has been P-free for almost three months now and I am very proud of him. I can definitely see a change in our fighting pattern. I know he and I are both emotional people, so if we are having a fight we both usually raise our voices and it becomes a bit intense- sometimes too much in my opinion. But our fights have become less intense nowadays and if it happens we are able to give each other enough time to calm down and we talk the issue through, understanding each others' point of view and getting over it pretty quickly. I was very surprised that after our last fight I didn't feel it was hurting our bond. We just talked about it. Done. He is in a much better mood most of the time, he smiles more and it is easier for him to be positive. I am very grateful for that.

I decided to see a counselor. Not (only) to talk about PMO, but because I noticed that I am lacking self-esteem. Somehow I got to the point that I think my feelings and thoughts wouldn't be okay to have. I feel like I wouldn't have any right fo feel the way I do (especially when my SO and I have a disagreement). That can bring me down and sometimes I feel so sad that I cannot encourage myself to get out of my pyjamas and take a shower. I want my self-esteem back and I want to feel like a valued person again. But in order to feel like that, I have to view myself as precious and valuable. I am working on that.

How are you guys doing? I hope you all had a good start of the year! Keep it up!

Flora

 

[Chaos Mind]

Are you having sex during his reboot? The most significant change I have experienced while recovering was the quality of our time spent behind closed curtains.

I wonder why you think your feelings are not okay to have. To me that's a question simply not raised. You feel them, so they are real in your consequences (which is called the "Thomas Theorem" by the way).

 

[Flora]

Yes, we are having sex, quite infrequently though. Which is fair enough, I don't expect that during his reboot.
The other week we had sex and it has been the same pattern for a couple of years now. I like foreplay and petting, he doesn't at all. I brought it up on that day because he wondered why I didn't orgasm. So I told him that I missed kisses and the "whole-body-experience" while having sex and that for me it was not just about having intercourse. His response: "Okay, foreplay doesn't do it for me. You like it, I don't. In the future I will do some more of it then." I wasn't happy with that but didn't want to upset him- he didn't want to talk about in anyway.
Sometimes in the past he told me that I was tiring for him because I wouldn't be easy to satisfy. That hurt a bit.
But  I have noticed a slide change in his behavior. Previous I felt like I was just I thing he used for his orgasm, but last time we had sex I actually felt like a person who was desired and cherished. That was nice.

 

[toofat]

What are you in school for? I hope that's not too personal of a question, but I'm curious if an interpersonal communications class may be a required coarse, or possibly even an option in the future as a elective class. I know that sometimes it's hard to commit time to reading and studying up on things when you already have a reasonably big work load.


I also mention the interpersonal communications class specifically because it's all about how two people communicate with one another, what good strategies and tools are, as well as some of the destructive ways people communicate. I had to talk the class for my nursing degree, and I'm thankful every single day because of it. The required text for us was "Looking In/Looking Out" and you can easily get an older edition from Amazon for super super cheap.


I will say this: I've recently learned that having the tools to good communication can also be frustrating when only one of the two people doing the communication knows them. I've recently learned this because I see a therapist regularly, and when I finally got to the point where I could put real words to my frustrations and emotions, he wanted my husband to come in so we could work on me getting them out to him in a way he could receive and really understand.


In theory, it was a great idea, and he seemed to get a few of the important points. But there was a struggle during that session and especially afterwards when no therapist was present to play mediator. The struggle was that he just couldn't understand the importance of validation, and how to do it. Well, maybe it's a lie to say he didn't get the importance... He does acknowledge that it's at least important to me. The real problem lay in that he wasn't good at it. I still don't really know if it just doesn't understand how to validate, doesn't think it's necessary, or just struggles with the fact that true validation comes at the cost of saying simply, "I understand what you are feeling, why you are feeling that way, and how what I may have done could have caused this." WITHOUT going into "...But I disagree" or "...But, I don't understand why this lead to that."

It was like he struggled with the fact that he too wanted to be validated, but was trying to achieve that before first validating my words. In successful communication, there is ever only one person sending a message at a time. That message should be received before either that first person sending another message that may tack on, or the original receiver sending a message of their own. You go out of order... Syntax... they things get all fowled up.


Anyways, long story short: Learn more about interpersonal communications, I think it's very valuable. But also encourage your spouse to as well so you are on a level playing field.

 

[Flora]

Thank you for your advide toofat. I very much appreciate it. I attended quite a few communication classes during my nursing studies too, but sometimes it is more difficult to put it into practise in your private life.
My partner and I are communicating well lately. I feel my partner's occasional blow ups make it a little bit more difficult at times to keep our conversations on a productive level. I understand that he has good reasons to become angry and frustrated at time, but I feel miserable when he overreacts.

Today was such a day and we solved the issue. He got upset with me about some kitchen stuff and the whole thing took off when I said "it doesn'T fu***** matter". He got really upset with me when I actually tried to calm the situation down. I shouldn't have said it. I just feel so useless and worthless at times because when he overreacts, he says things that bring me down. Anyway, we both apologised. He said maybe he was overreacting because he had too much testosterone in his body. That was when I mentioned that we don't have sex anymore. He agreed and I asked what was wrong. (He doesn't (want to) know that I know about his PMO addiction, I tried to talk to him about it but he never replied to the letter I wrote to him and never wanted to talk about it in person). He said I wouldn't make any attempts to have sex which is not true. I told him about the times I tried and he just didn't say anything. Then he admitted that he just didn't feel like having sex but didn't know why. That he doesn't want to be pressured (which I don't do and he said he appreciated that) and when I feel like I don't get enough sex he would understand if I broke up with him. That made me really sad. I would rather have him talk to me about his PMO and that he is having a flatline.
There is always that little whisper in my ear telling me that he doesn't find me attractive enough because he doesn't want to talk to me about the real reason.

I think I am just a bit sad and desperate at the moment. And please excuse me for my grammar and spelling, English is not my mother tongue.

Flora

 

[Flora]

Hello again.

I am feeling very low at the moment. The whole discussion about not having sex got out of control last night.
I know my story is taken out of context now and I can only tell you bits and pieces about what happened, but I feel desperate.

Of course I got started on it again and asked him about his flatline. First he said he didn't know why- I am really trying to believe that, but I am quite certain it is PMO which causes it. Of course he won't talk to me about it. I know he's been addicted for around 10 years but has not PMOed for the last 65 days. Anyway, that's when I asked him about his past relationship. He must have had the PMO addiction back then so I just wondered about his sex life. And he said in his past relationship he had a very healthy and regular sex life. That made me feel even worse. So, I actually start to think it is me. I am not good enough in bed and not attractive enough to him- those thoughts occur to me now. So I asked him, if it was me.
First he said no and became upset. I coudln't believe him, I really tried but I coudln't. Of course this is all taken out of context know but he said things like:

- Because I had 13 sexual partners before I met him, he doesn't feel attracted to me and it is a mood killer for him
- Me talking to my ex-boyfriend without him knowing about it (I wrote about that stuff earlier) which happened 18 months ago, is a mood killer for him because he doesn't trust me
- My low self-esteem nowadays, which I kind of developed in this relationship, would make me unattractive
- Sex would just be not important to him and he thinks it has something to do with age. He is 27
- He believes it is natural for a couple that they're having sex less frequently ( I could believe that but we haven't even been together for 2 years, 6months of that without even seeing each other because of distance). And having sex once a month is not enough for me
- And then he said if sex was so important to me and he cannot give it to me at the moment, I should go and look for someone else

I don't want to go and look for someone else, that's not the point!
Eventually we apologised to each other. He said he felt pressured by me because I was desperatly looking for answers he cannot give me. He said he is having a flatline (which I definitely believe) and he cannot promise if we would have sex again sometime, that he needs to work it out by himself. And he said I was a lovely person and other nice things- but I also have trouble to believe that. I don't believe that I am a good person anymore, I feel responsible when he get's upset, I feel responsible that he lost his trust in me and other people and that he becomes angry and frustrated with his life. 

I never imagined it would be so difficult to know about his PMO add and not to be able to talk about it because he just woudln't admitt it. It makes me angry. I know I have made mistakes, but seriously, I feel like I don't have a chance against PMO. I hate Porn! I really do. I beginn to hate myself for not being able to deal with it. I hate myself for feeling unloved and miserable and unsatisfied. That effects my self-esteem even more. I don't know what to do.

 

[toofat]

As I read the last two posts you made here, I felt for a moment like I was reading something I wrote a while ago and just forgot about. I want to tell you that I know how you are feeling, but that would be a lie. We are different people and our situations are our own. But... I do know that I've felt the same as you in at least many of the things that you have said here. Hell, read about why I chose my username.

I wish I could tell you all of the things that would make you realize all of the negative things you feel about yourself right now are all founded by lies.... That the things your partner is saying that hurt so much are all because he just doesn't understand what's going on with himself... That they are the easiest answers to his problems and that he's simply too scared or ashamed to face and admit the hard truths...

I wish I knew the words to say so that you could believe all of this. And mostly... I wish I knew for a fact that they were true, so I could confidently assure you of their truth... But I can't.

All I can say is: don't look to him for validation of your own self worth.  All of those things you are looking for, they are subjective. If it really is true that things about you are unattractive to him, then know that that is just him. It doesn't mean you are unattractive, it means he's not something you want right now. Because I know without knowing you that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you attractive. The hurt isn't worth it.

Besides..  It's more likely  along the lines of what I said earlier. It's more likely that it's easier for him to blame you for his struggles than to face the fact that his confusing and probably very conflicting feeling are rooted in the bigger issue of how porn has effected his brain and body.

Be patient. Be understanding. Be empathetic and know that right now he doesn't know what's causing what, and as long as he's on the path he's on and trying, this hardship will come to pass... But it will be hard. For both of you.

I said it in another post and on my blog... Quitting porn will be the hardest test you will ever face. But if you want the end result, then stick to it.

You can do it, and you won't be alone

 

[Flora]

Thanks toofat for your sympathy.
That feeling of being unattractive and not loved is just disgusting.
I wonder all the time what I did wrong in my life to deserve that. I know I have my mistakes and flaws but I always thought that I was a warm and good hearted person who has lots of love to give.
But I don't believe that anymore. I feel like I am a horrible person who is responsible for what my partner does to himself and to me. If I was a good influence he wouldn't need to blow up, be flat or depressed or have negative thoughts about himself and others.
I wonder why he is still with me if he feels umcomfortable with my past and if I annoy him so much that he feels the need to become angry and frustrated while "dealing with me".
I am grateful that you, toofat, think I can go through this but I am actually not sure if I want to go through this. I do not know if I am strong enough. I lost my direction in any possible way. I don't know what to do with my life anymore because I've been focusing so much on my partners needs. We don't go to bed at the same time, we don't sleep in the same bed, he needs lots of time to himself because he claims himself to be an introvert. He is not as much a physical person as I am.
I love him because I can see all his positive personality traits too, but it becomes more and more difficult for me to see them when he thinks so lowly of himself. I just lost myself, I don't know what I want for myself and my life. I feel alone. And sometimes I think everything would be better if I just disappeared.