Indiana

[indiana]

I first realized I had a problem with porn years ago, compulsivity, escalation, and an inability to stop in spite of the tolls it was taking on my life. I had PIED at times with multiple girlfriends as well as treating women like I would see in porn. I came across yourbrainonporn about four years ago, and finally started getting answers. When I was a kid, there were no resources on pornography-addiction, I thought I was just fucked up and the only one struggling, as I'm sure many others dealing with this addiction felt as well. I've been through reuniting.info message-boards, then got into SAA, then walked away from all recovery and instead felt I would do it on my own with my own combination of mediation, hiking, running, and traveling. Suffice to say, I'm still dealing with this and a couple of days ago I crawled back out of a binge that brought me to rock bottom. I feel so numb and dizzy from falling down and getting back up, only to fall down again. This addiction is ruining my life, and has taken numerous opportunities already. I need to keep fighting and I'm not giving up.

I look forward to using this group as a part of recovery and to getting involved with everyone on here. If anyone I open to an accountability partner, let me know.

I'm scared, because I need this. Any input would be greatly appreciated on my part.

Indiana.

 

[Fappy]

Ok mate, on the right path! Porn addiction is an evil demon slut that seeks to possess you and ruin your life. It even draws your family and friends into its rancid claws.
The way to banish this demon is to starve it. Dont give it what it wants, let it cry and thrash around a bit if it likes. Show it whos boss.

 

[indiana]

I've updated my initial post to make it more concise.

Indiana.

 

[indiana]

I've been all over the place, mood swings from feeling utterly suicidal to feeling relatively good. The biggest thing, the biggest change, has been a sense of peace from having some answer to all my behavior over the last fifteen years. The escalation into things that were breaking my mind, the binges that would last for weeks. I had come to YBOP in the past, but it didn't sink in, I didn't get it. I'm not saying I get it all now, but I feel like I get SOME of it, some of what has been going on.

I bought Gary's book, and I'm looking forward to getting into it on the train tomorrow. I struggle with procrastination, I got the book about a week ago, but I've had a hard time getting out of bed for more than an hour and instead spent most of my time watching Netflix. I know this isn't good, but I think I'm coming out of a pretty dark situation, and need a period to adjust. That said, I don't want to waste my life away on Netflix or anything else, it's better than porn but still not anything I want so I've taken steps to block Netflix and to limit my time on Facebook.

I love running, I have always wanted to be a great runner but this addiction has kept me from pursuing it. I've been running and I'd like to keep it up. 

Life has been hard, painful, at times excruciating, but better in every way from where I was ten days ago. Porn has taken so much from me and out of me. I have been seeing that I've been like the frog in the boiling water. The water kept getting hotter but I couldn't tell. My life kept getting more out of control but I couldn't see it. It's been so bad for so long, and it's so good to be seeing that more clearly.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Much love,
Indiana.

 

[indiana]

I read Gary Wilson's 'Your Brain On Porn' yesterday. It's a fantastic book and in one reading, along with YBOP.com and these forums, has helped to relieve a fifteen year period of intense shame and OCD. So, that's good, but equal to feeling relief I'm also feeling intense depression. I've been bouncing from feeling suicidal, to feeling relatively okay. Right now what's most on my mind; I come from a divorced family, my step dad was less than ideal to me and I ended up living with my dad, who just so happened to also have a porn issue. I'm feeling torn that I grew up in such a fucked up environment, like I had no chance. I'm not trying to be all "whoa is me" but it hurts to see all the missed opportunities. I binged on porn, I dropped out of school, but I also was in the perfect environment for this addiction to flourish, an environment where I had no parents, no guidance, no instruction, and that hurts.

My family does love me, and they will support me, I'm 27, no college degree, not even sure what I want in life other than health, sobriety, connection. It's like most at this age at least have a background in something, I have a background in jerking off compulsively and binging on porn. Whatever direction I go in will be a new adventure. It hurts to feel so far behind. Go back to college?

I am grateful, I'm so grateful to be here. It's just I'm 'feeling' things I haven't ever felt, or allowed myself to fully feel without then running to porn.

All the best,
Indiana.

 

[ntg2978]

Hey man, welcome to the forums!  We have to just start wherever we are.  If you have to watch Netflix or play video games or something in order to not let yourself do PMO, then go for it.  The biggest thing is don't feel guilt or shame about what you choose to do, because that will only increase the likelihood of a relapse, because you're trying to feel better.  Getting involved in exercise is a great idea, and something I've been doing myself and am really enjoying.  You'll find that you won't be able to just ignore feelings by replacing them with P, but this will be good, because it is only through facing things that we grow.

I know for me, when I started having to sit with my feelings, it really helped with my motivation as well, because I had intense feelings that I could use to get myself motivated to change things.

Stay strong, and keep going brother!

 

[indiana]

Hey Nate, thanks for the input. I know I'm way to hard on myself, and that in effect is really harming me. I think that I'm so scared of not changing that I don't give myself much room.

Earlier today I was stressed out, and instead of going for a run, I just slept. When I woke up I was disappointed with myself, and hoped on instagram. I didn't go to any questionable places, but I thought about it, about how easy it would have been to go. My higher brain chimed in and I finally got myself out for a run and felt much better.

I get that this is addiction, this is what it is all about, but I feel disappointed and scared, scared that I even thought of going back. I resisted and moved forward, so I should look at this like a victory but it scares me.

God, I'm 27 and terrified..

Well, anyway, thanks again Nate, it really means a lot to have people respond.

 

[ntg2978]

What really helped me when I was in a similar place was to setup realistic goals for myself ahead of time, such as, "I'm going to go running for 10 minutes tomorrow".  To try to setup a goal like, "I"m going to start working out 3 times per week" when you're currently not doing anything, can seem daunting, but anyone can go run for 10 minutes, and that's the point, it's an easy goal to accomplish, and starts building some momentum.

You'll notice that you felt bad, so you turned to Instagram, which is the addiction cycle at work - to feel better, we turn to something that makes us feel better (we get our fix so to speak).  When you start doing other things to feel good (ie: running, going out with people, etc.) you'll notice these cycles get less and less frequent.

 

[indiana]

Yes, I was starting the addiction cycle, I could feel it. I didn't look at any P or any women, just pictures friends had posted, but I did it as a way of escape, and in the past, instagram has led to pictures of models, to models in lingerie,  to P, to full on binging and to very low places.

What has upset me most isn't that I didn't get my initial run it, it's that I considered going back to P... Now, I've been trying this for years, so I get that craving is very real and can be insane, but this was the first real craving and it shook me up, it scared me.

But, I'm awake, it's a new day, I'm still feeling less than balanced but this is all a part of REAL life, this is what I need t learn to handle, because this is where I am right now.

 

[indiana]

It has been a while since I got on here and journaled. I have been boncing aroud some various recovery forums in the Pornography Addiction sections, but letting this part go because I figured noone would read it. And very likely few will, but I guess that's not the point.

I've really been struggling wth depression. It's been rough as I keep finding myself in these very low places and I'm trying to find healthful ways of dealing with them but sometimes the lack of motivation over takes me.

One the the biggest things going on for me right now is eeing the toll of this addiction. Looking back on some of my actions, the less than obvious ways this cost me.

Time
Money wasting money on tuition then withdrawing
hospitalized for depression from PMO addiction (I didn't connect the dots till now)
Strained and lost relationships with family and friends
my self view... I've just been so torn from myself.

I could go on and on, and maybe I will soon, as an exercise. I'll list out everything that this had done to me, how deep the hurt goes. Anyway, that's where I am right now. Just feeling low, no motivation, no friends to go hang out with.

All that said this is better in every way than the pain of being in active addiction.

I figured out what I'll do tonight. I'm going to watch Silver Linings Playbook. That sounds good.

Oh and I'm doing a water fast.... about 30 hours into a three day fast..

all the best my brothers and myself.
Indiana.

 

[ntg2978]

You're not alone brother, what I've been learning and posting lots of places is that this is not an addiction to porn per se, but an addiction to feeling good, by using anything to not feel the painful emotions that porn has been used to mask.  The fact that you're going through depression is a good thing, because it means you're feeling the pain and dealing with it (not running away from it), and so you're conquering it little by little.  Stay strong man, you've got this!

 

[indiana]

Thanks NTG, it sure hurts like hell.


All the best brother.

 

[JohnyDr]

I feel slightly depressed too, but people around me notice it, quite a few people asked me why I am so nervous lately... so it is maybe more severe than I think- bro you are not alone, and I just don't use P, with MO avoidance added- I turn into a nervous conflicting person which I am not, and I feel f*****...
Also I can relate to dropping out of faculty. but than going back, it was hard... Now I'm on phd, and I think one of the main reasons I use P is the studying, deadlines and exams... I'm a procrastinator and simply put very lazy, so I get stressed when the deadline aproaches and PMO for hours while studying. Nevertheless I think it is a great idea to get back to school.
Hold on man, be patient and not to hard on yourself!
Salutes from the Johny!

 

[indiana]

JohnyDr, thanks for your input man, it really is rough. Congrats on the Phd! That's huge. I'm 27 and only have a year of college finished, so many false starts... I'm fortunate that family will help me pay for it but I feel like I'm just so far behind and that makes me not even want to start. You know what I mean?

Again, I'm really glad to hear you're doing so well.

All my best man.

 

[ntg2978]

Focus more on what you want to accomplish than on what you've missed out on man.  This was a big one for me too, as I felt like I lost so much of my life due to just wasting it, but then I realized, I could either cry about it, or I could pickup from here and do something about it, so I chose the latter, and it's made all the difference.  Do the same man; don't cry for yesterday, yearn for tomorrow and live in the moment.  Stay strong man, I'm here for ya if you need anything.

 

[JohnyDr]

Believe me I do, I've been through it, but I think it is worth it, if anything- you'll save yourself a regret when you turn like 50... If you have the resources suck it up and go back to school and finish it. I'm from a third world country, I'm not exactly poor, but I wouldn't go into depressing details about "economy" here and job opportunities... So it's, I think, even harder here to find motivation and resources and I somehow managed to do it, so I think you could do it too..

 

[indiana]

JohnnyDr. I'm looking forward to getting back to school more and more every day. I've actually been thinking of studying Psych, maybe become a therapist for addiction, PMO especially, or something like that. If I could use my expirence to help others that would make it so much more.

NTG- "don't cry for yesterday, yearn for tomorrow and live in the moment" That was one of the most beautiful things I have read in a long time. Thank you, really. I 'know' that this is true, but I still struggle with finding myself in these slumps. I could blame it on the reboot, but I also could be working harder and being more active. Thank you man.

 

[indiana]

Still feeling very low, not a lot of motivation, but I'm happy to be here. Day 2 1/2 of water fasting, looking forward to lunch tomorrow.

While out on my run tonight it hit me that I should look at this 'depression' as a good thing. It's part of the process and I need to embrace it and be grateful to be experiencing it.

I need to work on getting a better routine, being more productive. I've spent  the majority of the last few days on youtube/facebook and that's no good. 

Still, I need to tell myself that I'm proud of myself, even if I know I can do more, I don't want to discredit what I am doing already.

Love you all.
Indiana.

 

[ntg2978]

The best way to get out depression is to move your body, do something extravagant, such as running or boxing or weight lifting, or martial arts, or stretching, or yoga - something that moves your body in a different way.  Once you are feeling a bit better, start using your energy to start shifting your thinking from what you don't have to what you can and will accomplish.  This is what works for me man, hope it works for you too.

 

[indiana]

Things have been up and down. I finished my fast and am now working on running more substantial miles/length of time, but I still get pulled into procrastination, depressive funks, wasting time on the internet. I've been sleeping till' 9am when I'd like to be waking around 5 or 6 etc... That all being said, I remember that I'm working my way 'home' and that I need to be easy on myself and give myself love and care.

My friend, who's a women, whom I'm involved with, asked me to come visit her again. I'm very excited to see her, I really like her. Flying out tomorrow.

My goals from now to then.

1)get out on a long run this afternoon and tomorrow before my flghts.
2)Re-Read Gary's 'Your Brain On Porn'
3)Clean the apartment.
4)Start a meditation practice. I've been running everyday at least 15 minutes, sometimes much longer, and I want to keep that up as long as possible, now I'd like to add in 15 minutes of meditation, and 30 minutes of reading (On my Kindle.) I read a lot on the internet etc, but specifically on the Kindle.
5)Reach out to people who've asked for Accountability Partners and Welcome people to the forums.

Hope everyone is doing well.
Indiana.