How Much To Share?

[Dharmabum]

So, here's a question I haven't seen addressed (maybe I've missed it).

I have a number of friends in recovery, most of them for alcohol-related abuses.  They are viewed as pretty heroic for sustaining sobriety, and no one seems to judge them for their past.

Meanwhile, we have an addiction that has a different stigma around it.  To say, "Yeah, I used to drink two bottles of vodka a night, and now I'm clean" sounds very different than "I used to watch 3 hours of S&M videos a day, and now I don't do that anymore." 

I guess I am asking how broad of a circle of loved ones you shared your addiction with, because sexuality is a very different beast than substance abuse, and while you want to bring your addiction into the light, you don't want to run people off.  Mostly, when I get to that point in the Steps process of making amends, I feel compelled to apologize to the female friends I have flirted with online, but I don't want to make them uncomfortable.  My other option is to just stop the flirtation and engage in healthy conversations without ever mentioning the omission of my more flirtatious comments going forward. 

For the time being, I am going radio silent on social media, and using that time to do the work and build enough success in my recovery to feel like I can maintain 100% completely healthy friendships without trying to weave intrigue into the friendship. 

But do you put cards on the table so you have a clean slate, or do you just change the dynamic and assume a clean slate moving forward?  I don't want to make people uncomfortable, but I want to stop hiding this addiction also because I think (within reason) a few people knowing about it and supporting you is good.  I don't want to share it with anyone who it will harm (who doesn't absolutely have to know).  For example, my wife has to know (and boy, she already knows).  My kids do not.  My 90 year old parents certainly do not.  But friends?.where's the line with that?

 

[sender]

I don't think there is any one right answer.  Some people (like Gabe) have chosen to go completely public with their porn addiction and subsequent recovery.  That takes a lot of courage, and willingness to accept that some people may judge and choose to distance themselves from you.

As long as you keep the details out (e.g. what you watched and how much), I think the idea of porn addiction carries less stigma than it used to, mostly because porn is considered more socially acceptable now than it used to be.  While I think that's a very bad thing for our society, it can play in your favor in this regard.  Of course, other forms of sexual acting out may carry stronger stigma; but at this point, I don't think most people would think less of you for admitting to using porn.

However, the safest route would be to share your struggles with this addiction only anonymously (like on this forum), in recovery groups under confidentiality, with therapists and maybe a few close trusted friends. 

Ultimately, it comes down to what you hope to achieve by sharing this information.  In the case of a spouse, I highly recommend sharing it completely - that builds trust and accelerates healing.  In the case of a friend, maybe you're looking for support - just be clear with the friend that that's what you're looking for.  In the case of family, I think I'd steer clear (unless there is someone who you think also has a problem and you're trying to help them). 

Hope that helps.

 

[Dharmabum]

Thanks, Sender.  Right now, the only people who know are my wife and my two best friends, both of whom are male, and both are in recovery programs themselves.  I feel comfortable with that triad of people who I can share with.

Perhaps I should leave it at that.  The desire to share is, I think, an urge to feel the same powerful release I had when I came clean with my wife.  A weight was lifted, and talking helps me sort things out.  But, yeah, even though porn is more societally "accepted" now, I still think a stigma comes with it.  I think I'll take my time and be very judicious about whom I choose to share this with.

Thanks for the input!

 

[Fappy]

I havnt shared my problem with anyone, only the fellow Floppy Brothers on this forum.
The people in my most close to me would be positively freaked out. I know their reaction without telling them.
But then if you are caught fap-handed in the process of jerking to porn, as i have from several people, then its hard not to admit it 8)
If you are having sex with two pieces of buttered bread while looking at your laptop, even if seen from behind, its still impossible to deny...  8)

 

[Chaos Mind]

I think everyone should do, as he likes. Some will find it such terrible a problem they simply cannot handle it on their own. This forum might be a bit of a support, but still it is "only" text lines by rather annonymous people who share the problem. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, do it. That is what commonly friends are there for, aren't they? They might feel uncomfortable about it, but as I said: they are your friends. I haven't had the urge to talk so far. It embarrasses me, although I know that it shouldn't.

To say, "Yeah, I used to drink two bottles of vodka a night, and now I'm clean" sounds very different than "I used to watch 3 hours of S&M videos a day, and now I don't do that anymore."

This is so very true. But I believe that this is going to change in the next few years. Because here comes the generation of teenagers who were basically growing up with always available, omnipresent porn stuff, so easy to access it's ridiculuos. Most of the problems we face today might as well only be precursors. Once only half of the 18 yo will be unable to please real women as they should, society will come to a change. The taboo weakens and we will be the ones who once will say "yes, it is possible to rewire! This is how it works: ..."

 

[ntg2978]

Meanwhile, we have an addiction that has a different stigma around it.  To say, "Yeah, I used to drink two bottles of vodka a night, and now I'm clean" sounds very different than "I used to watch 3 hours of S&M videos a day, and now I don't do that anymore." 

I think this is not just because it deals with P, but because it is a sexual topic.  Society in general does not like to talk about sex, which is a lot of the problem to begin with, and why sexual matters are therefore kept behind closed doors.  It's like we're not supposed to have desires, or if we do, as long as we keep them from other people, we're accepted by society.  I find this is all changing though, because people are becoming more bold, and risking rejection or embarrassment in order to make themselves known.

For myself, I am not ashamed of my struggle with P or MO, because it just means I'm a normal, healthy person, because we are SUPPOSED to have these desires.  If society were not as closed-lipped about sexual matters, how many of us would have had to resort to a magazine, video, or the internet to begin with?  I think everyone recognizes that there is a disconnect in this sense, but no one wants to talk about it.  What I mean is that the typical family usually does not discuss sexual matters at the dinner table; only in private one-on-one (which makes one think it's supposed to be kept a secret).  If you go to your church and say in front of the congregation that you deal with P or some other sexual matter, how fast would it take before you're shushed and rushed into a private room?  But if you were to say you are an alcoholic and need help, not the same response, I'm sure.  It all subtly sends the message that you keep sexual matters private, sex is not ok to be talked about, seen, etc. in public.

I would say that if you need support, talk about it with whomever you would like to share with, but just be sure that there are some people that will probably ostracise you because you no longer fit the mold of "normal" by society's standards.  Personally, if someone drops you that quick, I wouldn't want them as a friend anyway.  If it's a family member, that's more difficult.

 

[miomio]

Clearly, sharing your problem is part of recovery. I totally agree with the stigma problem and truthfully, I didn't feel that sharing my problem would find much acceptance. The problem is that we are handling an addiction.

I have started to tell my friends that I have stopped porn because I feel that it completely irritated my view of women and that it nothing but a waste of time. Accompanied by signing off from social media, everyone accepted my view and I received more recognition than rejection.

 

[Dharmabum]

yes, it's the signing off of social media that will raise questions with people who don't need to know.  Truly, I just feel like my wife, a handful of close, understanding friends, and anyone who was directly hurt/affected by my actions should be in-the-know.

I'm just telling people who ask about my stepping away from Facebook that it was starting to scramble my brain and consume too much time and positive energy.  That is very true.  I needn't mention the particulars.  Most people will concur as to the timesuck and negativity it can create, so it's not like it raises a lot of questions, i guess. 

 

[miomio]

Maybe we are being to harsh on ourselves... How do you feel about changing perspectives! If I tell someone that I quit porn for the above mentioned reasons, the majority has to accept that decision, because they must feel similarly. Now don't get me wrong, maybe I have just been living behind the moon for the last 20 years, but porn has become an essential part of our lives. Ask any guy if he can honestly state that porn has change his life to the better and represents a fulfilling way to spend his time! Many will deny the ugly truth, but deep inside they can't deny that we are on the right track.

Now, facebook? Same problem. How have people communicated 20 years ago? Probably by phone. Is Facebook really necessary to stay in touch? Isn't it much more fulfilling to meet an old friend by chance and not search engine? To me, fb is nothing but a source of people trying to create a better self. Alone setting up a profile is so far fetched... Show me one honest profile that depicts a person how they really are. Okay, this is becoming a novel. To sum it up: I used to be on fb 24/7, now I'm gone - nothing has changed.

 

[Feetfirst]

Dharmabum, this is something that has tormented me over the years. For a long time, sharing with no one and carrying the secret alone. Very painful and damaging. Generating self loathing and low self esteem which just perpetuate the cycle. I've now, like you, opened out to my partner who is very supportive and a few close friends. I too have friends in AA and their approach is be open where it is safe to do so, which is what you are already doing. You don't tell your boss, your children or your grandparents because it's not safe for you to do so.
I can see the attraction of wanting to be completely open to world about it but what does that really mean? Even when we tell everyone we know "I'm a recovering porn addict" there is still a world of people who still don't know. Do we keep telling every new person we meet? I once slept with my friends girlfriend. I felt terribly guilty about it. I spoke about it quite a lot to make sense of it all. Now 30 years on I almost never mention it. The need is no longer there. I have forgiven myself for my foolishness in the moment. Ultimately what we need to do is forgive ourselves and the need to seek it from elsewhere will be diminished. As for girls you have flirted with on FB. I wouldn't bother putting that right just stop doing it if it doesn't feel right. I do find that seeking virtual forgiveness is helpful in some cases. Where you have harmed someone but talking to them is not the wise option. In meditation or prayer, bring them up and make your apologies. I find this helpful. Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. All the best. FF