Barry's Journal

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BarryL

Member
My story is similar to many others.  I got a very late start with P.    I had a girlfriend in high school, but was never sexually active with her.  When I found someone to be in a relationship with in college, it was great at first.  We had a good sexual relationship.  After a pregnancy scare, I wanted to give up sex altogether.  However, that did not stop me from occasional porn use.  I wasn't quite addicted yet, it just filled in the gap.  While there were other things (both her issues and mine) that were causing a strain on the relationship, I think porn killed it.  Porn was filling my sexual needs while hers went unmet.  She fell in love with someone else and married him. 

I took some time off from women after that painful breakup.  I went on some dates and met some really terrific women, but never got into anything serious.  I kept making excuses as to why I did not want to be in a relationship.  I wanted to get a Master's degree, get a better job, live in a better house, etc...
At this point I re-discovered porn.  In my mind, it was okay.  I figured it would go away as soon as I was in a 'real' relationship.  In the meantime, I got lonelier and lonelier. 

Last year, I was involved in a sports tournament, and feeling both exhausted and accomplished I wanted to 'celebrate'.  I think the tourney exhausted my system and porn torpedoed it.  Immediately after, I started having sexual troubles.  Thinking I had done something physical to myself, I made appointments with doctors.  I also gave up sports (fearing making it worse and/or needing to heal).  The doctors found nothing.  Fighting depression and anxiety, I went to an acupuncturist.  For six weeks, I gave up all sex and had weekly appointments.  It worked for a while.  I felt better and 'celebrated again', this time without porn.  Again, the sexual troubles came back.  I found YBOP, and I finally gave up porn (and still have no interest in it).  From YBOP I discovered this forum and nofap.com.  After reading a lot, I have determined that I have PIED and sexual exhaustion.    I went to a naturopath and got some herbs and decided to reboot.  I made it to 45 days before I relapsed.  While I didn't do porn, I did MO.  And again, PIED has returned.  I am starting a counter, and I hope to make it to 90 days this time.  I am hoping this journal will keep me honest and help me get over the 45 day hump

This forum has given me hope, and I hope my post encourages someone else.

P-free -- 90 days
MO-free -- 3 days
 
PMOVictory

PMOVictory

Active Member
Hi BarryL

First of all welcome!

This forum defenitely is the place to be if you want to get and stay motivated giving up porn and PMO. A lot of guys make the mistake by wanting to give up PMO for the wrong reasons e.g. To cure their PIED. This should be a good motivator thoug not the best reason to do it!
Like you said...

While there were other things (both her issues and mine) that were causing a strain on the relationship, I think porn killed it.
Click to expand...

I can tell you there is nothing better to be in a relationship for the right reasons and be guilt free, with no junk of porn in your head.

Keep on journaling this is a great way to clear your mind and have tabs on your progress. Keep on reading and educating yourself...

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!
 
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thimbuk2

Member
Hey brother, hang in there. It does get better. its just the brain needs to ween itself of the Porn, and off the masturbation. Your confidence will be restored, and you will find after some time the need for those things tend to diminish a bit. This makes our desire for the real thing stronger. That is a good thing. We also get an opportunity to look at women in a different way. Imagine being a man that has integrity and can be a nurturing partner to a woman. That is what I am striving for. For the depression there's a couple of things that can help combat that. 1) exercise....this helps a ton! 2) Do something nice for another human being....you will feel good about your self 3) pray.....find some gratitude in the good things. It helps us get out of the "whoa is me swing".
We all know where you are at. There's a great journey post by another member that continues to inspire me and I would recommend reading the whole thing. Not sure how to reference it here or if it is appropriate forum practice, but PM me and I will provide that to you.
 
Dharmabum

Dharmabum

Active Member
Welcome, Barry.  Keep coming back, keep posting and sharing, and keep reading others' stories.  We are a source of inspiration and hope for each other, and together, we can keep each other empowered.

Glad you're here.  Grateful for your story.
 
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BarryL

Member
Getting better.  Thanks for the encouragement guys.  I was in flatline hell last week.  Day 6 was the worst mood swings.  This week is much better.  I am noticing the confidence that so many talk about here.

96 days P free
9 days MO free
 
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BarryL

Member
Bit of slip today.  I was listening to TV, and they mentioned a music video.  I wanted to see what the fuss was about.  It turned out to be more sexual than I expected.  Thankfully, I did not M or O, but it did get me a little excited.  I have some more work to do...

96 days P free
6 days MO free
 
Poker

Poker

Active Member
Good job Barry.  Remember, its a journey, not a destination.  No matter how far down the road to recovery we get, the ditch is always the same distance away.  And you're better than the gutter my friend.

Cheers!

p.
 
Dharmabum

Dharmabum

Active Member
Barry, do remember that there are slips in which we intentionally step into a dangerous environment.  Seeking out intrigue and fantasy are very different than stumbling upon it, especially if you recognize it.

I think we've all had situations in which we're watching television or a movie and something happens that we didn't expect that causes intrigue for us, and puts us in a state.  While our chemical reaction may be the same, it's important to realize that you didn't seek that out.  It's as if you went to the grocery store and reached for the taco shells only to find a naked model on the box. 

The important thing is, what do we do once we realize we've been unintentionally triggered?  Do we step back or do we dive in?  That's where the work comes in.

Sounds to me like you had good awareness around the situation and handled it well.  No M.  No O.  Getting excited is, perhaps, natural.  Egging that excitement on is where we become culpable for our actions.  If we say, "this isn't good for a person like me" and step away, we win.  You didn't' indulge, so consider that progress, my friend. 

Keep on sharing, and stay vigilant.
 
Poker

Poker

Active Member
Being turned on by an image is not the problem, unless its a trigger.

Watching an endless parade of shit on a daily basis is what re-wires and causes damage. 

I saw a girl at work who gave me half a boner right there...  I just didn't allow myself to go down the road to fantasize about her in some deviant way.  That was a small victory.

I also don't go looking for it.  Again, "triggers".

Cheers!

p.
 
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BarryL

Member
Last night/this morning was tough.  Strong depression.  I think it is due to hormones/chemicals being all messed up.  I am starting to realize how much I used fap and/or porn as a stress release.  I really want to see day 90.

Thanks for making me feel better about the video.  You all made very good points.  I recorded it both to remember it and in case anyone had the same struggle.
 
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BarryL

Member
Made it to 90 days.  No P (!).  4 MO relapses @45, 52, 74, 84.

Morning wood is finally coming back.  I am hopeful that it is progress.

Taking ashwaganda, magnesium, b6, b12, Gaba.

Still hoping to get to 180 days of no porn. 
 
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BarryL

Member
bad depression this week.  Could this be hormones coming back online? ,I hope so.  In a very scary place.  Flatlining, too.  Will this end soon? I am so tired of this
 
ready2go

ready2go

Active Member
Barry I've had the depression too, and I am in no way prone to depression, so thinking this is part of the recovery process.  Other men here have also mentioned it as part of their experience.  I was describing the options for ending it to my wife just a few days ago.  Then, I decided I needed a break from myself so took off for points south to the sun and to the beach. 
I don't know if you can do that, but sometimes maybe you just have to do what you need to do. 
We're here for you man.  Don't forget about using us for support and understanding.  We know what you're going through - we are all alike here, with differences at the margins.  Email me if you need or want, or private message, whatever you need.  I check in a few times daily. 
Don't go it alone because you don't need to and you're doing each of us a favor by involving us in your process.  In other words you are helping us by being with us.  Thank you dude.  You're awesome and will pass through this and on to the life you want sooner than you know.
 
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