I feel like a tourist.

[SubjectA]

Or maybe I am in denial?

I have started posting here because Marnia Robinson bullied me into doing so.

I'm a 34 year old guy, I've dabbled in PMO, but when I read Peace Between the Sheets it made too much sense to me and so I felt I had to stop, and I've cut down over the years and I was doing well - I guess about 100 days PMO free - until a period of turblence and stress recently triggered relapase, mostly into P, with a small amount of M and no O.

Looking through these forums I feel like a tourist as if my addiction was ever as bad as the kind of things many people are outlining here then I can't really remember it... maybe it was?

I think at the moment I'm struggling with motivation, you see I'm autistic and basically that means that many of the things that people feel PMO addiction has robbed them of I've never really 'had' as such in the first place (extremely active social life, complete confidence socially, desire for massive amounts of social interaction and so-on).

People might tell me to be less negative, but I resent that... I'm comfortable with my autism and don't see any reason to attempt to conform with 'normality'.

So that's kind of why I feel like a tourist. I don't feel as though I'm struggling in the throes of an intense addiction, I feel like I am extremely lonely and that part of this relates more to issues socialising, meaning that even without PMO it is so difficult to initiate a relationship that it feels virtually impossible.

That's demotivating... and given my natural tendency to prefer my own company anyway, it further brings the sense of just having a PMO habit and living with it.

But yes, I just thought I'd share my story.

I've had 4 in person relationships, 3 of which lasted a matter of months, and one which lasted two years - it was before being aware of my autism, and to my mind meant that I was in a relationship with somebody I was happy to have as a casual, informal 'carer' of sorts... although she, understandable wasn't happy not to have her sexual side fully satisfied.

I've never had any kind of sexual dysfunction as far as I'm aware.

At the moment my habit such as it is basically involves going to sites which are full of P but with social elements, and I'll go and chat in the chat rooms. I would find it hard to quit this as it feels so innocuous.

I guess I should just find other stuff to occupy my time.

 

[ntg2978]

I actually decided to give up online chatting as well as PMO, just because I think it must, in some way, rob me of the real intimacy that I could feel around other people.  Not that all friendships are really intimate (you don't find true friends that often unfortunately), but I think physically relating to people is better than feeling all those emotions while looking at an electronic device of some sort, be it a computer or a phone.

This place is all about bettering ourselves, and one thing I've learned from my short time here, is that people are generally going through some shit themselves, even when you think they may not be, and wouldn't understand your situation.  It is such an awesome feeling to be vulnerable to people, and have them still accept you for who you are, and then get to know the real them in return.  Strange as it may sound, this is one of the things I enjoyed most about parties where we all drank a lot, because at the end, we all felt so close, because you would just tell each other shit that you normally wouldn't talk about, and that closeness lasted even when we got sober later, because we shared a moment or two.  I think people would accept you more than what you think they would.  Maybe it would be difficult on both parties, you and them, as there would be some learning and growing that would have to go on, but overall, I think that a lot of people would accept you for who you are, if you're willing to give it a shot and be real with them, and accept them for who they are.

I know I work with a guy who has ADHD, and he all the time is telling me about how life has been unfair to him, and how people have always treated him poorly.  I have told him I understand where he's coming from, and I try to help him, but in the end he just wants to bitch and complain, and not actually help his situation at all, which I'm not down for at all.  We all have our own shit we have to deal with, and believe me, everyone has shit to deal with, so we all can help each other and learn and grow, and that's what friendships are all about.  I think this site can be more than just about PMO, it is a resource to get support and help, and get encouragement that a lot of people are going through tough times, and you're not alone.  Everyone feels alone, but truly, no one really is, unless they isolate themselves; it just takes facing down your fears and just doing stuff a little at a time in order to conquer them.  Do something tomorrow that makes you a little nervous, and you'll love how good it feels, and I bet you'll get a bit addicted to taking life by the horns and making it what you want it to be, not what it tries to hand you.  Good luck man, I'm really rooting for you, and will help in whatever way I can.