Age 32 - the lifelong struggle

[aiminghigher]

Hi lpx,

Sure reads like you had some intense moments there.
This might just have been the best incentive you could wish for. Hopefully that intensity is enough to stay away from PMO like you said.

What I want to say about you and your girlfriend is less a recommendation and more my opinion. So don't be offended should it not fit your own beliefs. Take away what you want.

It is very nice to read that she turned around, and wants to give it a shot. However, if she keeps having trouble accepting that you are or were addicted, if it leads her to blame and shame you, then the question is not whether you're the right one for her. I would say she's not the right one for you.
No matter how much you want this to work. No matter how much you want to be with her. Should it remain very difficult for her to respect your struggle, then I really believe she's not the right one for you.
Why? Well, from what I read about how you take the situation, you may start bending over backwards to prove to her that you're worth it. And though that might seem the right thing to do, after a while, maybe a few years, you'll realise you've been giving a little too much of yourself to her without it satisfying her demands.

I'm not implying you should walk away right now. On the contrary. Give it all you've got. But I don't think it's a bad idea to take a step back every now and then, and evaluate how she treats you. And if she has too much trouble accepting you for who you are, if she demands from you that you become someone else, then believe me, she's not ready for a relationship with you.
Do not get that attached to her that you cannot see this any more.

Having said that, I'd like to end on a different note. I hope you guys can work through it together. Situations like this can bring you closer as well.

Good luck!

 

[lpx]

Thanks for sharing your opinion. I have been feeling a similar way, although until this point I was afraid to accept that this could be a valid scenario. Your post was an eye opener.


She is seven years younger and comes from a very conservative southern family. This was terrifying to her and seems to me that she never had to deal with anything like this before.
Since I told her, she has been supporting and now things are back to normal. She is aware of it, keeps it in mind for sure, but we still can't talk openly about it. I guess she needs more time. I feel that she accepts me and wants to continue, and wants to make it work like this too.


I must note that I have been feeling a major change in my life. She opens up doors and I'm becoming more communicative, life feels more colorful, entertaining, vibrant. I was really distant with people before, stuck on my own little planet, and now things are changing. I feel like I'm getting my life back... It is amazing. Age 32, the first real girlfriend after a lifelong addiction.


Although I'm having more trouble with my flatline. I'm almost one month clean. I'm producing no physical response for almost two weeks by now. Even the pills don't help much.
I'm getting impatient... I hope things will come back to life soon. If I don't want to create more damage in the relationship, it must...

 

[lpx]

Thanks everyone for  the supporting comments. This forum definitely helped me change my life.


I feel stronger than ever. Two months clean and I never felt so good.
I am clean and sure that I will never relapse.


I have light urges occasionally but I can handle them without any problems. I just think of the previous 15 years of my life that basically can go to trash thanks to porn. The boring and lonely years stuck in my room have ended. I will never be my old miserable self again. It is just incredible what I missed. Not a single day more, thank you. I have an incredible amount of anger against porn.


I started a new thread in the PIED section... The next thing to deal with.


Thanks again everyone! Good luck and I wish all the best to you!!!

 

[aiminghigher]

Hey man,

Thanks for letting us know!
I admire your resolve. Nice to see that it pays off as well.

good luck!

 

[vitam]

LPX,

I read your story and I commend you for your integrity and success.

I have a similar experience - after dealing with porn for many years, which worsened with business travel and such, I came clean to my wife and abandoned it.

But my problem was that I still didn't know how to deal with certain situations in life.  I have the same concern for you.  Don't become complacent.  When your relationships have crumbled porn has snuck back in.

What happens the next trauma? How will you deal with the emotions that come with the death of a loved one?  the loss of your job?  a relationship that is on the rocks?

I'm not trying to be a downer... but I went through almost two years of abstinence, but then I lost my job, my son had some major health problems from which he will never heal... things I didn't anticipate.  I was not prepared for these things and relapsed again.  But heartbrake is a part of life and a recovering porn addict needs to know how to deal with it.

Again, I commend you for turning it around.  For your motivation and enthusiasm.  I hope that you will always be able to stay on the right track.

 

[lpx]

Thanks for the thoughts!


I agree that severe conditions, depression will be triggering for sure. I am strong now, I have faith, and I hope that I will have strength enough to resist. The more time passes until something happens, the better chances I have. I think it's also a good idea to prepare mentally in advance for difficult situations, to have a sort of an escape plan.


For me the number one weapon is sport, if I have the need, I get up and activate myself, go running or rowing for example. Definitely I have to be surrounded with people and I cool down.
The more time passes, the more natural these will be I hope.


Let's believe in ourselves, that we will be strong enough whatever happens!

 

[gotet]

There is unbelievable srtrength within us brahs! We are ALL going to make it brahs! You will make this struggle within brah! For me..... it?s fucking day three brah!

 

[lpx]

Hey everyone...


I am back
I felt never so strong as before, I was sure that this addiction is over.


It is not.


I am having an emotional roller coaster in my life recently, very good and very bad things happening in parallel.


I had a weak moment and a news website triggered two days ago. I ended up hours on porn sites, full PMO. Nasty terrible stuff all evening. Today all over again.


I thought I have control over this thing. Not at all, turns out so...


This beast is much stronger than I expected... I am too weak I guess.


Now shame is back, I feel humiliated for what I did and what I looked at. Next days deep depression guaranteed.


Someone help please...

 

[lpx]

I am feeling useless, hopeless, a walking disaster.


Things were going so well with my girlfriend. My ED problem was improving too... Months of work down the drain, now starting all over again.


The worst addiction of all, a lifelong struggle indeed...


If she knew... I could cry now.

 

[lpx]

My counter was reset again today, after six weeks.


This time I'm puzzled, no clue what really is going on, why this happened. There was no trigger, nothing special happening.



Watched two hours of movies, then decided not to resist and did the mo. I wanted to interrupt halftime, stood up, but returned immediately. I couldn't even walk around, I was so into the thing. My brain was in override mode, like a real addict.


This time there is no guilt even, I'm only feeling sad. Previously if this happened, I was feeling terrible, shame and guilt. Now nothing... why?


I'm getting afraid, my pmo's are becoming more frequent. I was able to go for more than half a year before... I'll return to regular posting, let's hope this will help.

 

[aiminghigher]

Hi lpx.

It's sad to read that you're equally wondering why you seem to be incapable of staying on track.
However bad your relapses are, just don't give up.
It's the one thing I still have going for myself.

Good luck!

 

[Therewolf]

Hi lpx,

I'm relatively new here and just read your journal.

I'm sorry to hear how much of a struggle your addiction has been.

I can definitely relate to your home situation growing up.

First, don't dwell on a setback; it's part of the process of healing for many many people here.  The best thing you can do with a setback is to learn from it, in my opinion.

Each one of us has slightly different brain chemistry and emotional baggage, but I think we are more alike than different in this particular area of our lives.  So, from my experience and from reading others' accounts, I think that deciding to give up porn forever is the way to go.

One of the most important issues that I have had to confront has been, why do I see porn as something valuable?  For me, porn was my only source of comfort, for a variety of reasons, growing up.

I didn't realize how much harm I had done to myself until I started experiencing ED; after 33 years of PMOing!

I had to define a vision of what I wanted my life and relationships to be like in the future.  Now, the important part is that I had to realize that PMO and porn in general would never ever ever give me the things I really wanted.  Intimacy, trust and love with another human being.

I've tried to abstain before (before I even knew about porn's harmful effects) and failed over and over and over again.

8 days ago, I closed that chapter of my life and I will never make porn a part of my life again.  I identified what I wanted and now realize that porn prevents me from getting those things. 

You may have to do the same and you have to be okay with that decision. 

Best of luck man.

 

[dhira]

Sounds like you have alot of pain and resentment about the past, your parents etc, Im sorry to hear that.

My advice for what its worth would be to investigate all the ways people recover from sexual addiction, if one way isn't working immediately search for another. You will find a process that clicks with you if you are sincere about getting well, you sound very sincere to me.

Just refuse to give up and you cant fail.